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My hands shook as I tried to put the pencil to the paper. Mother’s Day should be a happy day, I have no right to not be panicky or unhappy. It’s not like I’m even really that sad about my biological mother, I hardly knew her. And I’m safe from May. I’m safe from her, and she’s not even my mother. Dad would never let her near me again, he’ll keep me safe. Yeah, I at a time thought she was like a mom to me, but I’ve never had good judgment, have I?
I can not ruin this day for Pepper though. She’s my mom. She’s my mom and I can’t ruin it thinking about a mother who wasn’t here, even though that’s not her fault, or thinking about a woman who claimed to love me but never did.
Sitting over Pepper’s card, or rather the blank paper that is supposed to be a card, though I knew the idea I wanted to draw out, I just could not manage to even do the sketch. Every time I tried to write out the words “Happy Mother’s Day” all I could think about was all the times I made these kinds of cards for May. As much as I want to deny it, I did see May as a mother. Of course at that time I didn’t know what being a real loving mom entailed. But I know now.
No matter what blood says… well blood doesn’t even matter. May was blood and she did not love me. She did not accept me. She hurt me knowingly and continuously and said it was out of care. You don’t do those kinds of things out of care or love. You don’t shatter a glass because you just loved it so much.
Blood doesn’t mean shit.
Pepper is not blood and she’s more of a mom than anyone else ever was. Maybe that’s what I should put in the card. Put the truth. Real and vulnerable. But I’m not so good at that kind of thing. The drawing can wait, I folded the card over and began writing inside. It’s the words that really matter after all, not the drawing.
She deserves to be told how much she means to me, she deserves to be shown how loved she is. She really is more than I could have ever asked for. I scribbled down each word after word, explaining it all. I hope this isn’t overstepping…
She didn’t even have to be like a mom to me, she holds no obligation to me. But that’s the point, May was stuck with me and made sure I paid my debt back to her, Pepper chooses me even though she is not tied down to. She chooses me, to love me and be here for me. She chooses to be like a mom to me.
When I finally filled the page with my scribbled out thoughts, I closed the card again. I can’t just give her a plain piece of paper though, she deserves better. She deserves the best. I just can’t do that though, I’m not even a good artist, let alone as good as she deserves. Even if all I write is ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ I need to do something.
Is it bad to be spending so much time thinking about May? It’s not like I’m going to see or talk to her, I just can’t. Even on Mother’s Day, what’s supposed to be a good day, I just can’t see her. I can’t. Maybe this could be an okay Mother’s Day, I’ve never had one that hadn’t sucked. Every holiday would suck back then, but maybe it could be different now. It’s wrong to want a good day, but maybe a not bad one could be okay.
I finally got myself to write out the wording, not quite calligraphy level but it’s legible. I quickly drew a little flower at the bottom, using the markers she gave me. Well I suppose I should give it to her. I’ve wasted enough of the day thinking, I shouldn’t have procrastinated making the card.
Standing up, I asked, “Friday, where’s my mo- where’s Pepper?” Even if it’s just an AI, I don’t want to overstep.
She answered as if I had not stumbled over my words, “In the common room with Boss.” With a quick thank you I walked down to the common room. My hands only trembled slightly, what if she hates it? I know the drawing is pathetic, I should have tried harder on it. What if what I wrote is too much? Too personal? What if it makes her uncomfortable, I just talked about me and this is supposed to be her day.
I reached the common room before I could turn around, doesn’t mean I didn’t try though. “Hey Petey,” Tony called from his spot on the couch, of course he saw me , “where are you going?”
I turned back and entered the room, facing my parents smiling faces. I tried to hide the card with my hands best I could, I haven’t even said anything and my face is already burning red, “nowhere,” I mumbled, “I just. Mo-Pepper, um,” I fidgeted, god why am I so awkward? “I just, here,” I handed her the card.
As soon as she read it, her hand flew up to her mouth, “oh honey,” she breathed out. Is that My dad read the cover of the card over her shoulder, he looked at me with a smile. He shifted, making room on the couch between him and my mom, “c’mere kid.”
When I looked up at her, I finally noticed the tears in her eyes as she read the card. When she finished reading she immediately turned to me, she did not hesitate to pull me into a tight hug, “oh Peter I love you so much,” she whispered quieter next, so that only I would hear, “you are my son, baby. I love you so much.” Maybe today could actually be okay.
Now it was my turn to hold back happy tears.