Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

For the first few moments, there were no thoughts. Only sensations. Pain. Burning, aching, stabbing...every kind of pain you can imagine. Then came emotions. Primal fear, rage, confusion. He didn't know what was happening or who he was. He screamed. Strange thoughts started to come pouring in...this pain, he knew he deserved it. But why? The things moving on the beach...people? He knew them. He hated them. Or maybe he loved them? He couldn't remember which was which.

They were making noise, but he couldn't understand it. He turned around as best as he could in this...this body that wasn't his. He wanted to get out of this body. It hurt. It hurt so much. But it was also powerful, and he couldn't help but revel in that. He screamed again, but...it didn't sound like a scream? The pain he felt didn't go away, but he started to realize...maybe it wasn't pain? It had been at first, but it had changed. The pain was no longer in his body. It was in his mind. Emotions, overwhelming painful emotions. But he didn't have the cognitive function to fully understand the difference. He felt a pounding in his head, a ringing, buzzing, electrical hum. And it was so unbearable, and he had to make it stop, and before he knew what he was doing, he had smashed his head into... something? A person. No. A cliff. A cliff that had a person's face. A woman's face. A woman he loved. Or hated. Or maybe both? 

His body was so large and cumbersome that no matter which way he moved he couldn't get his balance. He reached out for the face cliff. He threw his arms around it and looked out past it. He once again heard the noise coming from the people on the beach, and for some reason it scared him. He had to get away. He was afraid they might hurt him...or was it that he might hurt them? The buzzing in his head got louder. He pounded his fist into the face cliff and he screamed again.

And suddenly there was something on his head and he couldn't see, and he was scared, he was so scared. He was scared and he was angry and it hurt and he had to get it OFF of him, nothing else mattered. He heaved himself backwards until he hit the side of the face cliff. The thing on his head broke free. He felt relieved for a moment, but then something struck him on the side of his head, and he was angry, he was so angry. Why were they hurting him? He wanted to hurt them back, he was a monster and that's what monsters do, right? 

Wait...monster. What...what is that word?

He couldn't remember, but he knew he was one, and he knew it was bad, and he knew he was bad. He was so, so bad. No wonder they were hurting him. He deserved to be hurt, he...he deserved to die. He wanted to die. But the primitive instinct to survive was too strong...it seemed to control his actions. He felt this...impulse, this intense drive to protect himself. And there was this energy, this...power...resonating through his body, and it felt somehow familiar. It felt wonderful. And it felt awful. It rippled through him like waves, flowing out from his...what? His, his center. His...heart? No. His brain? Maybe...he was only peripherally aware of what these things even were. Then he remembered another word, a powerful word that he knew meant something important, but he didn't know what. 

Gem 

His gem. This feeling, this electric current running through his body and mind...it was coming from his gem. Whatever that was. And it seemed to be driving him to lash out. Suddenly he was running and leaping after the thing that hurt him and-

Something reached out and grabbed him and pulled him down. He was suddenly cold and...wet? He screamed again...or...no. Monsters don't scream. The noise he was making was low...guttural. He was...roaring. And It felt so good, to roar as loud as he could, to not restrain himself from expressing the pain he was in. It was an immense relief, like something he had been longing to do for years, but he had never realized it until now. But...it also scared him. It scared him so much, to hear that noise coming from himself. He didn't know why, but he was beginning to feel a battle being waged within him. The cognitive dissonance was unbearable. He wanted to die. He wanted to live. He wanted to hurt the people on the beach. He wanted to protect them. He wanted to run away. He wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, forever.

He struggled against the thing holding him down. He also struggled against himself, these violent urges...and the people on the beach were making noise again, and there were more of them now, and suddenly there was a large shadow cast over his head, and something huge was on the beach, and then he saw...them. The big ones. He didn't remember anything about them other than...he hated them. He hated them so much he wanted to kill them, all of them. And he felt something else...guilt. Deep throbbing guilt, aching in his bones. He knew he was bad for hating them, but...but he couldn't deny the rage and loathing he felt looking at them...the fear...the paralyzing fear...

The white one. She was the one who made him feel like that...once, long ago. Suddenly he couldn't move. For a moment he was back there, in that moment, in her hand, and she was so big, and he was so small. Why was he so small? 

He was jolted back to the present by a flash of yellow light and a powerful tingling in his head. What was this? He didn't want it. He didn't want anything from her...the yellow one, and he didn't want her touching him like that...was she touching him? The pulsing in his gem got faster, the buzzing in his head louder, but it didn't bother him anymore. It was power. His power. Like hers, the yellow one. Her power which was starting to shrink his head somehow. His thoughts began to swirl around his mind, until they coalesced to a single word...NO. 

It was more a concept then a word, really. He reached inside himself, and wrapped his mind up in his power. NO. And the yellow light stopped. NO. He tried to scream it at her, but he could only roar. 

Something white and fluffy drifted towards him. He recognized it, and for a moment he wanted it. He knew it felt good, but it would also take away his anger, his pain. And he needed those...to be strong. So he wouldn't be weak and pitiful like she had said he was...

Like who said?

He took a deep breath, and roared at the thing...the...the cloud. That was the word. The blue one's cloud. The blue one...she was the one trying to take his anger and pain.

NO. THEY ARE MINE. I NEED THEM.

And the cloud was gone.

And then...it was her. The white one, walking towards him, and again he couldn't move. 

Her face...her glowing face...her terrifying giant eyes...her long black nails that poked his belly as she...as she...

He felt a sudden, excruciating pain in his abdomen. The white one was close, he could feel her...she was trying to get in. To get into his head. Or to pull him into hers? 

Get away, leave me alone!

He was so scared. He was looking up at her now, and she was holding something between her long black nails, something he needed. 

Please, no! 

The thing began to glow...

His fear boiled over into rage.

GET. OUT!!!

He roared. He could feel his gem, back where it belonged in his belly. Was it ever really gone? Was that now, or before? It didn't matter. He was still going to kill her for it. The power in the gem amped up even more, rushing into his mind and expelling her like a virus. For a moment, he could see inside her mind. He saw what she was looking for. A word. 

"Steven"

He didn't know what that word meant, but it seemed familiar somehow...it wasn't just a word, it was...it was a name. But...why did the sound of it make him so...sad ? He felt a deep sorrow, a pang of intense grief...for Steven. Whoever that was, it was someone he loved, someone he missed. Someone who was gone forever because...because...

Because I killed him.

That thought filled him with guilt, and sorrow, and fury...he...he had done more to Steven than just kill him...he had...he had let him down somehow...

He knew Steven was gone, dead, and he had killed him. Why did he kill him? Why did Steven have to die, while this ugly, evil thing got to live? 

His power briefly surged through the white one's eyes, and she collapsed as he departed her mind. He knew she had seen him in her mind, the monster that had killed Steven. And it terrified her. 

She spoke, and for the first time, he could understand.

"That's not Steven anymore!"

Any...anymore?

What did she mean, anymore? Didn't she understand Steven was dead? That the monster had killed him? 

Why...why would she say that?  

Anymore. Something about that word frightened him...but why?

Things were starting to come back to him, thoughts, emotions, memories, and it was overwhelming. They were jumbled and chaotic and they hurt, they hurt so much. 

He remembered a boat. A van. A little boy with no visible ears. A man with a suitcase. A watermelon shaped like a baby. 

A girl. She had long hair, and glasses, and she dropped something...

A man with a beard and a guitar and a kind smile, full of love.

He saw these things and he felt something...a sudden rush of...joy?

That terrified him. He didn't want to feel that. He didn't deserve it. And it seemed to almost remind him of something, something that filled him with dread.

Feelings and thoughts and memories began to swirl through his mind like a tornado.

Fear. Joy. Loathing. Love. Anger. Fear. Monster. A pink lion. A pink boy. Love. Loathing. Fear. A videotape. A woman's voice. Love. Anger. Joy. A purple helicopter with a face. A giant woman. Joy. Fear. Anger. Love. Ice cream. Yum! 

And the one thing cutting through all the rest, the most powerful thing he felt...

He was deathly afraid of a little boy named Steven. Why did that name scare him so much? 

And suddenly all those feelings erupted out of him in an enormous roar. 

"I...I can't hold him much longer!"

It was a flying blue girl with wings who spoke. Why was she holding him?

It was all too much. His mind churned with emotional flotsam. The only coherent thought he could muster was-

TOO MUCH. GO AWAY ! 

He had to make them go away. He had to be alone. 

Alone.

Alone was all he was good for. No one to need him. No one to leave him. No one who could hurt him. No one he could hurt. He had to get rid of them. He had to be alone. But she was still holding him there, and it enraged him. 

Let go, let go of me!

Didn't she understand? Didn't any of them understand they were better off without him? Didn't they know the one they were looking for was gone? 

I'm not Steven! I'M NOT STEVEN ANYMORE! 

Anymore...why...why was he thinking that now?

No...please...no...

He was filled with intense fear. Panic. Dread. Something exploded into his consciousness, something he realized he had been trying very hard not to remember.

He was Steven. 

Or...at least he used to be. But he wasn't anymore. They wanted Steven back, but the Steven they knew was dead. The monster had killed him.

He lowered his head in grief, overcome with guilt about what he had done to Steven. He hadn't noticed his gem beginning to glow. Unspeakable power began to surge through him. The water around him began to swirl into a vortex around him. Every nerve ending in his body crackled and popped. Bright light filled his eyes, but he could still see. The buzzing in his head was now deafening, but he didn't care. The spines on his body (had they been there all along?) began to glow and burn white-hot, but there was no pain. Or, if there was, he didn't notice. He felt only rage. Rage at himself, for not being Steven. Rage at Steven for leaving him. Rage at them, for refusing to let him go, refusing to accept that he wasn't Steven, that he couldn't be Steven anymore. 

Steven was so, so tired.

And he roared.

STEVEN...IS...DEAD!!!

Crackling pink energy shot out all around him. The water receded, and for a moment he was on dry land. They all were knocked back, knocked down. He felt a twinge of guilt. He knew Steven wouldn't have wanted this...but it was for the best. Now they would see that he was really a monster. Now they would give up trying to get him back. He knew no one could want him like this, no one could love him. They were better off without him. He would only mess up again. Hurt someone again. Maybe now they would finally leave him alone. 

The water came rushing back toward him, briefly covering his head. And he sat there, and for a moment, he felt relieved. He was almost...almost content. 

He watched the people on the beach. He still didn't remember their names. One of them tried to stand and...and something happened to her, she seemed to...split in two. He stood up. He didn't know why, but it scared him, seeing her fall apart like that. It reminded him of...something. He began to walk towards the beach. He wasn't sure what he was going to do when he got there. He just had to see...her. Them. The two. He knew them. Didn't he know them?

But before he got there, something large came out of the water behind him. He looked over his shoulder. It looked like...an arm. Did he know this arm? It seemed familiar somehow. It reached out and grabbed him. He was furious, he was trapped again! He had thought for a moment the arm was his friend. He roared in anger. He tried to fight against it, to break free, but for the time being, the arm was stronger.

The people on the beach whose names he didn't know and who had once been Steven's friends, they were talking again. The sky grew dark. They were saying words and he could barely hear them, but bits of dialogue came through...

"Steven...angry...I knew something was going on...like this forever...no...my son...like this because of us!" 

He knew the words but he couldn't quite understand their meaning. What were they saying? Why were they still there? The noises jumbled together into gibberish and wailing and he wondered how long it would take before they finally gave up and left. He kept fighting the arm. He wanted to leave. He wanted to leave because the urge to hurt them was still there, and for some reason, that scared him. He wanted to leave before he could hurt them. 

They kept droning on, making their noises. He tried to block it out, but suddenly-

"YES! IT IS!"

A familiar voice cut through the din. He knew her. He knew that voice. 

She can't see me like this! 

What? He didn't know where that thought had come from. That was a....a Steven thought.

That really scared him. Steven was dead, he knew Steven was dead, and he knew he used to be Steven but he wasn't Steven anymore because Steven was dead, but if he was having Steven thoughts then maybe Steven wasn't really dead, and if Seven wasn't dead and he used to be Steven then maybe he was still Steven, but he also knew he was a monster...and if he was a monster and he was still Steven then-

then- 

then- 

Then that meant Steven was a-

No. No. NO!

He roared and thrashed and threw the hand off of him with all his might. He began to run towards the beach. He didn't know why he was running. Suddenly he couldn't remember much of anything, other than an overwhelming desire to take his suffering out on anyone or anything he could find. 

He thought he might have realized something a moment ago, something important, but he couldn't remember it anymore. Or maybe he just didn't want to remember it...

All he wanted now was to run. To destroy. To kill. To obliterate everything in his path. He needed to. There was nothing else left...nothing else left he was any good for. 

If he was going to be a monster, he'd be the best monster he could.

He ran and ran and he could see things moving on the beach, and they were almost familiar, and suddenly one of them was flying around his head and making a noise, and a huge wave came over him, and water got into his eyes, and he covered his eyes with his hands, and when he looked up he saw the figures from the beach running towards him. They all were familiar but...the one in the front, had she always been that big? 

They were making a noise. They were all making the same nose over and over. Or, not a noise...a word. 

It was important, somehow.

And suddenly the big one in front leapt into the air and said that word again, cried it out, and landed right on top of him. Fear surged through him as he struggled to get away from her, but she held on tight. He was so afraid...afraid of her, but...not afraid she would hurt him. It was something else. Like...he was afraid she would make him remember something he wanted desperately to forget, something awful. He roared, but it was hollow this time. He wasn't angry, he was just scared. 

Please, please don't make me remember again!

I can't go back. I can't.

And suddenly she spoke. Her voice was warm and full of love. 

"Steven-"

Steven?

No, no, stop! I don't like that word!

"When I fell apart, you were there for me-"

He wasn't sure how he could understand her words, but he could. And her voice was so calm, so soothing, so...familiar ? It made him feel something, something wonderful he couldn't identify.

When she...fell apart?

And suddenly he remembered something...

He remembered...a square pizza.

"Square pizza? what's wrong with this crazy state?"

Huh?

And he remembered a little blue girl and a little red girl and they were fighting, except they weren't really little girls...they were old, very very old and he thought   he thought maybe he...he loved them?

And he remembered slipping on ice, and the blue one crying by a fountain and the red one playing a guitar, and a wedding, and a woman with a square head holding kittens and crying in the rain because she... 

HUH...?

"I want to be there for you now." 

I know her. I know her! Who is she? Why do I know her? And, and why do I...love her?

"I'm here Steven, I'm here."

That word still terrified him but...but there was just something about the way she said it...something so familiar, and calming, and something came to him, something he had forgotten, but now desperately wanted...needed...to remember...a...another word? No, more than a word...a name...

Gar...Garnet...

Garnet?

Garnet!

He remembered her. And he remembered a song...

Take a moment and ask yourself if this is how we fall apart...

I'm here, I'm here, I'm here...

A strange noise was coming from his mouth. He felt like he wanted to cry, but he couldn't remember how. 

Garnet. She was there, she was really there, and she still loved him! She loved him and he loved her and she was hugging him and she wanted to be there for him because-

Be...because...

Because I'm...

I'm...Steven.

He was Steven. 

He was Steven! 

He knew who he was. He remembered himself. 

He remembered he was Steven and-

And...and somehow, it was...okay ? It was okay this time, for him to know that he was Steven. It was okay for him to be Steven. It was still scary, and it was still painful but...

Garnet. If she was there, it was okay. If she was there, and she loved him, he could be Steven.

And for the first time, he started to feel just the tiniest bit...safe ?

Garnet always made him feel safe.

"Is this working? Do you hear us?" 

The blue gem with wings. Lapis Lazuli. He saved her from a mirror and they were beach summer fun buddies and-

She hugged him. She was tiny, but the hug felt so big.

And then...it was them. The big ones, the...the Diamonds. He still hated them....but...he also knew they were his family. He knew they had changed everything about themselves...for him. Because he had asked them to...because they loved him. And he wasn't ready to forgive them, or to love them back, but maybe...maybe...someday he could. He wasn't sure it was likely, but...it wasn't impossible...

And suddenly they were all there, all the rest of them...his family. 

The one who had worn armor to a wedding.

The one who was an angry little slice of pie.

The one who taught him to read in the back of a van.

The one who would eat literally anything.

The one who gave toilet paper to her friends.

And, oh yeah, the one who annoyed the heck out of him, but at least she hung out with the diamonds so he didn't have to.

"I'm here Stu-ball! Whatever you need, I'll make it happen! you hear me?"

Dad! 

Dad. A car wash. A road trip. A song about...about a comet? A story about a woman with pink hair. Something about pork chops. Pizza, lots and lots of pizza. Love. So much love. So many memories were crashing back into Steven's mind, good and bad, and it hurt, and it was overwhelming, but...it was wonderful.

Whatever I need...?

Steven kept making noises, he thought he might be trying to talk, but he wasn't sure what he wanted to say...

"Steven, you never gave up on me for some reason I don't understand! I'll do the same for you!"

Peridot! His memories were becoming less jumbled, more coherent. He remembered Peridot. She was such a wonderful friend. Being around her made him feel better when he was down. And she was honest. Too honest, sometimes. But he loved that about her.

And...she wasn't giving up on him. He didn't understand how, or why. But apparently...she didn't know why he did it for her, either. Steven had been ready to give up on himself, but...if she believed in him... 

Well, he knew she wasn't the kind to believe in just anybody.

"I know you feel bad! believe me, I get it! sometimes it feels like you're never going to like yourself but...it's possible, man!"

Amethyst. She was his first friend, his ally, his eternal partner in crime. She was what he always thought having a big sister might be like. She liked to tease him and prank him and he would pretend he was annoyed, but, the truth was it always made him feel so special, to have her attention like that.

He had watched her learn to accept herself, to embrace who she was, the good and the bad. Maybe one day, he could do the same...maybe she could show him how.

"Steven, I know how awful it feels to keep a part of yourself secret. you shouldn't have to hide anything from me!"

Pearl. He never had a mother, but he had always felt like Pearl was pretty close to one. She was always worrying about him, fussing over him, doing too much for him. Sometimes she smothered him, but...he couldn't even imagine his life without her.

And she was right, of course. He had been keeping part of himself secret, and it did feel awful. He felt a wave of relief, just knowing someone understood. Someone else had felt what he was feeling now, and had gotten through it. And he wanted to tell her thank you, and I love you, but he could only make a soft whimpering sound.

Something reached out of the water and took his hand. He couldn't quite remember what it was, but he knew it was his friend. He knew it lived underground and it always had his back, and he had it's back, too...metaphorically speaking, because he was pretty sure...it didn't actually have a back?

And there they were, his family. They were all there, and they all loved him, they all loved him so much. He knew because he could feel it, inside. He was pretty sure he remembered that was something he could do, sometimes. Feel other people's feelings. And the love he felt coming from all around him, it was so intense, and so complete, and so dynamic-

He didn't understand how they could forgive him after everything he had done, after seeing what he had become, after he had almost let himself forget how much he needed them...and yet, there they were. And there he was. There he was, and he was Steven. He was Steven, and he was a monster. And it was unbearable...the fact that he could no longer deny that he was both. 

What now? What am I going to do now? 

He needed...he needed a miracle.

And right on cue, there she was. His miracle. Falling from the sky, like the bits of statue that almost killed her on the day they met...

Connie!

She landed on his nose. She was so little, but he still felt small next to her...she was so much bigger inside than he was. Some days he almost couldn't believe it, how lucky he was to have her as his best friend. He knew he didn't deserve her, that he wasn't worthy of her...he didn't think anyone in the universe ever could be.

She walked the bridge of his nose to his forehead. Steven felt so conflicted. He didn't want her to see him like that. He was humiliated and ashamed and he knew he was ugly and a monster and how could she ever love him after this? But as she pressed her forehead against his, he couldn't help but be overwhelmingly ecstatic that she was there. 

"Steven-"

His heart fluttered. He had always loved the way she said his name.

"You must have been so afraid to show us this side of yourself."

Oh, Connie, you have no idea!

She wasn't just his best friend, she was more, so much more. He didn't have words to describe the way he felt about her, even when he had a properly functioning brain. And the thought of her finding out what he was really like...fearing him, hating him...he'd rather die. 

He couldn't see her very well, but he thought he spotted the glint of a tear in her eye. He couldn't bear the idea that he'd made her cry.

"But we're not going anywhere. We're all going to take care of you, the same way you take care of us." 

Huh?

Take...take care of him? What ?

But...wasn't he the one who always had to take care of them ? Wasn't he the one they always needed during a crisis, even if he was in the middle of having one, too? He was already fretting about how each of them was going to cope with seeing him like that. 

How could they take care of him? Why would they even want to, after what he had just put them through? After seeing him for what he truly was? He was already dumbstruck that they had seemingly forgiven him, that they still wanted him at all. 

And now they wanted to take care of him too? 

How? He was still a monster. How could he live like this?

And then...something incredible happened.

"You know what, I don't have your powers, but-"

Steven felt Connie's tiny lips gently touch his forehead. 

She kissed me!

The kiss sent ripples of emotion through his whole body. It was like a single drop of water on a calm lake, one he could almost see, almost hear. Small, but so powerful. Connie was right, she didn't have powers like his. Her power was so much greater. 

He felt...love...joy...excitement...relief...and...and something else...something wonderful, terrible, thrilling, frightening...something that floated into his mind like a message sent from Connie in her kiss  Whatever it was, it scared him, but he wanted it. He wanted it more than anything...

He thought it might be the answer he needed...what was it? It was important. Something important he'd forgotten. He remembered he was Steven, but there was still something missing. He still felt like a puzzle with a single missing piece.

He could almost reach it, almost taste it...it was a...a word. A word for something...something he used to be? Something he had thought he could never be again...but maybe...just maybe...if they were all there...if they could all forgive him, want him...see him, Steven, trapped inside this monster...

If all those seemingly impossible things could be true, then maybe...maybe it was also possible that he could be... 

That he could be-

Could be-

Human.  

His thoughts started shaking, like an earthquake inside his head. That word, that beautiful word, echoed though his mind, again and again, resonating like a gong. 

The word was like a key that unlocked a door in Steven's mind, and there was a world, a whole forgotten realm, waiting behind it.

It was the final piece of the puzzle. 

Human...

I'm.. I'm human.

I'm HUMAN!

I'm Steven. I'm Steven and I'm human.

I'm...I'm NOT a monster...I'm not! I'm human. I'm human...

I'm Steven and I'm human and...and I'm loved.

And the door was opened, and that lost world came roaring back, like an avalanche, and something in Steven's mind suddenly shifted...and he was human. Once again he had a human mind, a human heart, and a human soul, all still trapped in a monster's body. And something profoundly wonderful came back to him.. something humans do...

He remembered how to cry. 

And he cried, he cried so hard. Everything inside of him was coming out, every thought, memory, and emotion, good and bad, they were all coming out all at once, carried on a river of tears, and it was overwhelming and it was scary, and it hurt...but it was wonderful. It felt good, it felt so good to get it all out, it felt even better than roaring! An endless cascade of tears streamed from his eyes, slowly starting to wash some of his pain away. He whimpered softly. He didn't notice his tears begin to light up, glow brightly, and turn pink as they hit the ocean's surface. He didn't notice his body beginning to change...

All he knew is he was crying, and he was human, and he was Steven, and his family was there, and they loved him, and for just a moment he thought there was someone else there, too, someone else he couldn't see, but-...

And he was feeling, he was feeling everything, everything he'd been trying so hard not to feel, for almost his entire life.

He knew who he was.

He was not a monster.

He was Human.

He was Steven.

And he was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

For just a moment, he had thought...

Was there someone else there? He didn't see anyone else. But he felt something, some one. Inside. Reaching out from deep inside himself in a place he never knew existed. Emotions that weren't his. Guilt, sorrow, helplessness, remorse... and...and love . An unimaginable, unexplainable love, wrapped up in a soft hug from the inside that warmed his whole body, like nothing he'd ever felt before. 

Or... wait. He was wrong about that, he had felt it once before. He couldn't recall when, but he remembered someone was laughing...

And there was a voice, or maybe just a memory of a voice, one he recognized but couldn't quite place, a voice saying-

"... that's me. loving you, and..."