Chapter Text
“It’s not your fault, Buck…”
“Then why do I feel so bad?”
“Because It’s been a very long day and a longer shift. Go home, son. Rest a bit, tomorrow will be better.”
As Buck left the firehouse, he turned around and stared at Bobby in the middle of the empty and silent bay: “It’s not like this, Bobby… Sometimes I think you would have done better without me.” The younger man whispered.
A shitty 24-hours shift had just finished and Buck was knee-deep in the fresh mud after a heavy rain, vomiting the little he had in his stomach.
Hot tears trailed along the rosy cheek and mixed with the bile on his hands.
He felt like shit and he was spiraling again…
Usually, he could handle these kinds of horrible, dark thoughts, but his mental and emotional defenses - at that moment - were low and he couldn't calm down.
Of course, it was often the case that they couldn't save everyone, a firefighter wasn't God - even if, to an unaccustomed eye, it might seem that Buck thought he was Him - but losing such a young life was always a blow.
Buck had tried to take the smoking gun out of the kid's hands, but it hadn't been fast enough, it hadn't been fast enough.
And the boy's little brother had died before the paramedics even got there.
That child was just trying to protect his brother, it wasn't his fault; if someone had to be the culprit, then the parents were at fault, for leaving an 11-year-old boy alone at home, looking after his four-year-old brother, when a robber had broken into the house.
And when they arrived, they still had the nerve to blame the cops who hadn't stepped in fast enough.
To blame Buck who hadn’t been fast enough.
His protective crew had gathered around him, shielding him from the cries of the mother of the two children, but her hatred and loathing had taken root in the young man's heart.
“You bastard, you had one job!”
“My beautiful son is dead because of you!”
“I’m going to sue all of you!”
Although Bobby and Eddie had told him she'd probably be charged with leaving her underage children alone at home, Buck didn't feel reassured.
Another lawsuit in sight.
And it was his fault again.
It was starting over again.
But this time he didn't know if he had the strength to face it again.
And in his mind a question began to form, a dark and corrosive question like the self-loathing he was feeling at that moment.
Why was I born?