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She probably should have just stayed in bed and waited for them to stop fighting, but she didn’t. She got up and made her presence known to the both of them, most likely looking the way she felt, which could accurately be the equivalent of being run over by a garbage truck seven times. But whatever, it's not like she would let them talk about her while she was in the room next door anyways.
“Don’t you see that she has problems.”
“What does that mean.” The offence was clearly evident in Eliott’s voice. “Since when do you judge people without knowing them? I too have problems. If one day I feel bad, you wouldn’t like someone to do the same?
“Exactly! Because I wish it was me who took care of it and not let…”
Okay, yeah, maybe she should have stayed in bed. But the way Lucas paused to look at her, it was something she couldn’t place. Lola thought the anger and annoyance that he was showing Eliott would also be directed towards her, but it wasn’t; It seemed to fade away and was replaced by something else once his eyes left Eliott’s and fell onto hers instead. Well whatever that something was, Lola was just glad it wasn’t pity.
But when Lucas left the room, she didn’t know if she would rather him stay or not. Lola could feel herself trying to say something as he walked by, but nothing came out and she stayed silent. She wouldn’t have known what to say either, and she was glad that she stopped herself from possibly making the situation worse. She probably caused enough problems as is, but even apologizing right now felt wrong. And yet, as much as she wanted to leave Lucas alone, she also felt like she should say something to him.
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Half an hour later and Lola wished her brain would actually function at full capacity. Eliott left her to go shower a few minutes ago, and she wished she had something else to do besides awkwardly sit at the kitchen table swirling her now empty glass of water when Lucas came back into the room. Most people might make themselves at home by exploring the house, picking up picture frames and smile fondly at the love and happiness displayed in said photos, but Lola wouldn’t let herself do that. Her circumstances wouldn’t allow her to anyways. It would be too intimate, too comforting. So instead, she avoided eye contact with Lucas while keeping herself from diverting her eyes away from him at the same time, just to make him know that she wasn’t uncomfortable, even if she really did fell awkward.
“Are you hungry?” Lola watched Lucas pour himself a glass of water before leaning against the kitchen counter to face her. He seemed too nonchalant for someone who just yelled at his lover because of her. It’s not like Lola was ever uncomfortable around Daphné’s friends before; she never really cared enough about them anyways. And yet here she is, sitting at her sister’s friends' kitchen table after unexpectedly crashing and burning the night before. Lucas always seemed blunt, like someone who would speak his mind before he could realize what he was trying to say. Someone who couldn't stop himself from showing others how he felt, yet could perfectly hide all his feelings at the same time. Lola could remember the Monday back to school when everyone was whispering about her slapping Tiff. If Lola allowed herself to think about it, she wouldn’t know if Lucas was trying to defend her or if he just told others to mind their own business simply because he was annoyed that people were eyeing their group. How does Lucas see her? What does he even know of her, if Daphné ever complained to her friends about Lola anyways. She doesn’t doubt that Lucas would be wary of her, and although she understood that he had good reason to be, she would hate it all the same. She supposed that Lucas would see her as an acquaintance, but at this current moment in time, Lola couldn’t gauge if Lucas would call her a welcomed guest.
With what happened last night… she was grateful that Eliott didn’t give any details about what took place, but now she was at a loss for what she could say to Lucas. He seemed to sense that she was hesitant to come up with a reply and continued himself. “As much of an angel as Eliott is, his cooking is the most evil thing on the planet, so I suggest you eat something now before he comes back and decides to fuck up your cereal somehow.”
Huh… seeing Lucas chuckle into his mug while joking about Eliott despite yelling at him not too long ago was… pleasantly surreal. It wasn’t like Lola was surprised about the ability to love someone despite being mad at them, but it was just a concept that Lola wasn’t sure she'd be able to see or experience. She had eventually come to accept that an unconditional love would be the hardest thing she would ever be able to obtain, if not impossible. It just wasn’t for her, what with her problems and who she was. If she was an outsider to her own family, how could she ever expect anything more with mere strangers?
Despite the spark of hope in her everytime Lola thought she and Daphné made progress in understanding each other a bit more, there was always something that would distinguish that spark soon after. As much as she knows that Daphné would still care for her after everything she’s done, that she still does care, Lola always told herself that it might be better to push Daphné away— or at least purposely do so herself before she accidentally fucks up so bad that it ruins the both of them for good. If she willingly did it, it would be an excuse that she would latch onto forever. Even if she and Daphné are on okay terms, or at least they were before her birthday, every fight with Daphné always felt like 10 steps back, and every step forward felt like an unstable baby deer not even knowing if it was going in the right direction.
Before she knew it, Lola could feel herself exaggerating a loud sigh, forgetting that she hadn’t even responded to Lucas yet until he let out a sigh himself. She would have thought it was in mockery, directed towards her until he saw a distant look in his eyes. At least that was something familiar to her. So it seems they both were tired from trying to fight back against whatever has been growing in the back of their minds. Perhaps for Lucas it was a losing battle, just as much as it is for her. She steeled her eyes in his direction.
“About last night-"
“Don’t. You don’t have to. I’m not mad at you anyways… you’re not the one that owes me an explanation.” Lucas took a sharp breath after finishing his last word. The way Lucas squeezed his eyes shut and ran a hand through his hair gave Lola the impression that he seemed annoyed of himself for sounding so petty.
“Look, I know we’re not friends and you probably don’t care for me all too much either, so I’m gonna skip the whole ‘Wanna talk about it?’ pretense cause I highly doubt you would want to tell me anyways.” Lola felt herself nodding as Lucas stepped forward to take a seat at the table.
“I don’t know how close you and Eliott are, and for how long, but he has a reason for what he did, even if I don’t know what that reason is exactly…” The way Lucas held her gaze was almost enough to anchor her from looking away. Almost.
“I won’t ask, and I won’t guess either. I was just… surprised is all. We don’t usually have guests, but I don’t think it’s common that you let a guest sleep in your bed. I mean, even with closest friends, if you don’t have a guest bedroom then they stay on the couch or something.”
For someone who always had something to reply, Lola’s mind was unsurprisingly blank. The entire morning, noon now, she felt like there was nothing else she could think about, nothing that she could really focus on before everything got muddled. She was surprisingly okay, but Lola knew it was only because she was even more numb than the days previous. It was the calm before the storm, and yet the storm might even wither itself out. Lola doesn’t think she will have the energy to do anything for a while, even being annoyed felt like too much. She already agreed to go to her addictology appointment with Eliott. She’d rather save her energy until then, so she just leaned back into her chair to fully give her attention to Lucas. She tightened her lips, not exactly a smile, but it was a signal that she was listening. A flash of recognition shown through his eyes.
Lucas let out another sigh as he tightened his lips as well. It looked more of a smile than hers did, but it wasn’t really a smile either. He rolled his eyes and leaned back into his chair as well, his head tilted upwards until he was facing the ceiling, and then he slightly curled towards the side and let his head loll down to look at her. Did he think she was annoyed of him? Was he annoyed by her?
“I fucking hate lectures, okay? I know, they’re the fucking worst.” Oh… okay?
“It sucks when you don’t wanna talk about something, and then it's even worse when people tell you they wanna listen. It just makes you feel shittier. And then all of a sudden everyone just seems to care too much when they perfectly minded their own business before.” Lola nodded her head. She wouldn’t admit it outloud, but it was something she agreed to 100%. Actually, she would admit it outloud, just, maybe not the part about how it made her feel.
“The whole, ‘I want to be here for you’ and ‘I wanna help because I care’ thing. I get it. Now I feel like a dick for not being able to tell them.” The change in pronouns wasn’t something that slipped Lola’s attention. She felt her eyes soften as she leaned forwards and rested her arms on the table. A small whisper of “yeah” left her lips as she began to trace the markings on the table. She could feel Lucas pause to look at her.
“But when the shoes’ on the other foot, it sucks just as much.” Her finger stopped as she looked back up to him, a quick shake of her head and twitch of her eyebrows was a sign for him to explain.
“Sometimes you feel like you should know everything about the people you love, and if they don’t tell you, then it's your fault they don’t trust you enough… or maybe it's just that they don’t think you're important enough to know.”
“When you want to do everything you can for someone, and they won't let you. Shit’s annoying. Everythings annoying, because everything sucks.” Lucas closed his eyes and let out another sigh, except his time, it sounded less exasperated. More relieved, reassured.
“But not everything sucks. Even if everything isn’t going to be okay, at least there are things that don't suck.”
Out of all of Daphné’s friends that have had something to say to her these past weeks, Lucas’ words resonated with her the most. Even when Emma seemed to confide in her about what she went through, it still felt like a warning for Lola to get herself together. His words weren't fully comforting, but they were realistic, true to her. What Lucas said, about being annoyed, feeling shitty, people asking you to talk to them only to tell you what to do (even if they were right), not feeling important enough…
Lola never outright tried to know anything about her family, but it wasn’t like she didn’t care. Did she really have to ask for people to tell her things? It was the exact reason why she didn’t feel like she had a family. How could the same people who pushed her away expect her be the one to initiate anything. She didn’t even know if they genuinely wanted to be with her. If she was too unimportant for them to talk to, then they couldn’t care less about her problems if she tried to talk to them.
It sucked, but now it sucks a bit less. Daphné… she always felt more like a chore to Daphné than anything. But Lola could understand that she wasn’t easy to… deal with. Even if Daphné wasn’t a walk in the park herself, it was admittedly more pleasant to not butt heads anymore, or as much, actually.
She couldn’t feel important to Daphné unless she let herself be. But for that to work, she would have to show that Daphné was important to her too. To think someone actually cares for her is scary. To show that she cares for them is too vulnerable. Lola doesn’t want to lose something she can finally have. It's easier to not miss something when you’ve never even had it. Despite all the shittier things that have happened, the past few weeks have provided the most genuine comfort that she’s ever experienced. All the things she’s been avoiding, family, friends, even if they do all leave her in the end, maybe it would have been worth it, to atleast feel it. She wants to be seen as important to someone. She wants others to know they’re important to her, too. Maybe it's time she finally does something about it. Everyone knows that hope is for suckers, and Lola always thought people were stupid for hoping anyways. But maybe all this time, she wasn't the only one thinking it. Everyone else also knew that they were stupid for hoping, and they just didn’t care. Lola could understand that now. If there had been glass walls that have been caging in the sense of hope that has been building inside her, it would be inevitable that the glass would chip. Wouldn't it be better if Lola was in control of herself? To be the one to break the glass entirely? She’s already hit rock bottom, even if it could get worse, and she doesn't doubt that it will, maybe she should let herself enjoy the good parts a bit more. Maybe that's how things that don’t suck, not suck at all. Lola wants good things. She wants to be good.
“Hey, that wasn’t me purposely trying to cheer you up or anything you know. I wasn’t confiding in you at all. I just haven’t eaten anything yet. Delirium, or whatever.” Lola couldn’t hold back scoff that left her, but at least her smile was genuine. Lucas’ smile back also seemed genuine, before he let out a laugh himself.
“You're lucky you know.” Lola raised her eyebrows in question, careful not to let her smile drop too much. After all she’s been through, Lucas doesn’t have the right to tell her she has it good just because he got her comfortable enough to smile. He doesn’t know the half of it. “You got a whole fucking queen sized bed. When I ran away, I had to sleep in a stupid, dingy cellar. In secret. For like a week. And the only person in the apartment complex who knew I was there was pretty annoying. I mean I was grateful and all, but damn. 0 stars on Booking.”
Lola actually started to laugh. The first time she's laughed in a few days— a week actually, since before Daphné’s birthday. So Lucas has ran away from home? Maybe she doesn’t know the half of it either.
“What, you didn’t get any room service?” Her guard had fallen completely.
“Well, there was this rat that would visit me sometimes. I named him Mickey to pretend I was at Disneyland.” Lola knew it was a stupid joke, and yet she couldn’t stop herself from laughing at the imagery it created in her head. Lucas started to rub his face and grimace at the memory of what happen, but he could stop the giggle that left him either. When they both calmed down enough, Lola’s trace of a smile didn’t leave her face even as she thought about what had happened earlier this morning.
“Ummm, yeah.” If Lola didn’t say anything about it this morning, bringing it up now just felt awkward, but she still wanted to address it somehow. “Thank you.” She looked at him to show that she meant something a lot deeper than supposed room service.
“You don't have to. I didn't really do anything… but… if i did say something…” The look Lucas gave her told her he didn’t want to finish that sentence.
“You mean about my problems?” Lucas winced, but he also gave her a small smile. It seemed as though they were both fans of not apologizing directly.
“It’s fine. I don’t really care.” She did care actually. Lucas seemed to know that too.
“Listen, maybe it’s irrelevant what I think about you, but I do care about Daphné, and I think you do, too. I might have been harsh on Eliott, but I really do mean it when I say that it sucks to hide something as much as it sucks to have something hidden from you. Whatever your problems, even if you don’t think they’ll help, the people who think you're important should know, cause they just want to know that you think they’re important too.”
Importance. Lucas is actually pretty good at this. Somehow, he’s made her look at herself from the outside in, to see everything from a perspective not her own. How was he able to bring up exactly what she had thought about earlier.
“Even if people don't understand you, it doesn't stop them from loving you. But still, even that’s not important sometimes. You don’t owe anyone shit… but you already seem to know that.” Lucas didn’t sound like he was just talking to her. It sounded like he was telling himself that too. Maybe he’s thinking about Eliott…?
“Eliott is probably almost done with his shower, so before that happens… brunch? It comes with the room service.” She couldn't help but roll her eyes when his grin reached his eyes.
So maybe Lucas didn't say she had problems to attack her this morning. Maybe he meant that her problems were something that should be solved with people important to her, people who wants to help her, people she was important to. Maybe he saw that Eliott was hiding something from him the same way Lola was from everyone else, and it hit too close to home not being able to be there for the one he loved. Maybe she was able to read Lucas back as well, they were more similar than she thought. Perhaps he was like her before, lost. But if he was able to find himself, maybe she can hope to do so too. Hope.
It's a bit nice. It's a nice feeling to know you can connect to people. Maybe nothing's really been solved yet. Last night has yet to be brought up, and she knows that maybe, she should let herself feel important for once… Maybe talk to Daphné properly again. Maybe she was a welcomed guest for Lucas now, if how good he made his pasta was an invitation that she can come back anytime. Even if Lucas had still acted a bit hesitant around Eliott when he came back from his shower, she could see that they were going to be okay.
And maybe that thought was confirmed when she saw Lucas cringe at Eliott for adding raisins into his Froot Loops from across the room. She had hope for them. They were going to be okay.
Lola hoped she was going to be okay, too.