Chapter Text
If nothing else, Catra had to give Scorpia points for trying. At the moment of their victory, with Adora at her mercy and the sword in her grasp, suggesting giving up on it all and running away took guts. Her first instinct had been to attempt to discover some way to tell Scorpia that she was fucking crazy and her idea was terrible without crushing her fragile, tender soul, but something in Scorpia’s tone made her hesitate. And then start to listen, a little more intently than she wanted to admit.
“Forget Hordak. Forget Adora. Forget all of them!” Scorpia’s enthusiasm (and her general lack of ambition, beyond befriend everything that moves) was the only thing that kept Catra from suspecting some form of manipulation. Any other member of the Horde would almost certainly be using this as bait, one way or another. But Scorpia… wasn’t like the rest of them.
“We could rule the Crimson Wastes together, just the two of us! We could… y’know… be happy? ” Catra felt herself blush. The suggestion was tempting, but she had responsibilities. And this would finally show Hordak…
But then again, Scorpia was right. Why did she care what Hordak thought of her? She was running the Crimson Wastes! She’d beaten the gangs and become their undisputed leader in under a day. What the hell did she have left to prove to that bat-faced, self-inflated wannabe conqueror? She bit her lip, then looked back up and met Scorpia’s gaze.
The look in her eyes was something that Catra didn’t recognize. It wasn’t hostile, it wasn’t judging or vindictive, it was… warm. Hopeful. Kind. It was good, just like everything else about Scorpia.
And it scared her for some reason.
“I… have to go check on the prisoner. Be right back.” Just before Catra shut the door, she turned back to Scorpia. “I think… you might be right.” Without waiting to see Scorpia’s response, she allowed the door to close behind her.
===
Adora started yelling before Catra was even all the way into the room. She rolled her eyes and motioned for the guard to leave before actually tuning in to whatever her former friend was saying.
“Catra! You can’t do this!” The righteous fury thing was really getting old. Ever since she’d found that stupid sword… the sword. Catra looked it over in her hand. It was a strange weapon, heavier than it had any right to be by its dimensions but still somehow light enough to swing with one hand. A part of her still wanted to see if that transformation would work for her, but she knew it wouldn’t. Adora was always the special one, not her. Of course it wouldn’t work. And yet, despite all her power and her constant victories and her stupid golden hair and her smile that seemed like it was stopping the world-- No , Catra thought to herself, you can’t think about that -- despite always being the special one, Adora was the one tied to a post. She couldn’t resist a smirk.
“Are you even listening? This is serious!” Apparently she’d allowed herself to be distracted by the sword for too long. Best to get this over with. Catra kneeled down so that she was on eye level with Adora, using the sword as an armrest and propping her head up with her fist.
“Well, hello to you too. Now, what exactly can’t I do? ‘Cause from where I’m sitting, I’m the one holding this magical piece of junk and you’re the one tied up in a cave.”
“You don’t understand! Hordak wants to use the sword to--”
“Hey. Shut it.” Hordak, Hordak, Hordak. It wasn’t enough that she’d beaten Adora, it still had to be about Hordak . Catra had had enough.
“What? ” Adora sounded surprised. Clearly, not many people had told her to ‘shut it’ since she’d become She-Ra. About damn time.
“I said shut it , you idiot.” The playful edge had completely gone out of her voice. “I’m still making up my mind, but if you keep driving me up the damn wall about how you know so much better than me I swear I will… I don’t know, break this fucking thing instead.” Her determination was slowly turning to cold fury. Months worth of feelings were spilling out, and she felt powerless to stop it. Adora, mercifully, seemed to take the hint. Catra stood back up and started pacing.
“I’m done with all of this bullshit. The war, the Horde, the Princesses… you. Out here, I’ve made a name for myself already. I run this place now. The gangs all answer to me. I don’t have to take orders from a Hordak, or a Shadow Weaver, or… or… or worry about what you think of me.” Catra watched as Adora’s jaw slowly dropped. It seemed like she’d had some kind of ever-important world-saving hero speech primed and ready to go, and Catra was letting the air out before she could use it. It was more than a little satisfying.
“So… I’m gonna let you go.” That really seemed to throw Adora.
“You’re… actually letting me go? Just like that?” Adora was, obviously, skeptical.
“Yeah, just like that.” Catra used the sword to cut the vines holding her, then threw it down at Adora’s feet. “Take that thing and leave. And tell your new friends never to come here . The Crimson Wastes belong to me, got it? If I catch any of your stupid sparkly rebels in my territory, I’ll find a particularly nasty monster to feed them to.” Catra stepped on the sword right as Adora moved to pick it up. “And if it’s you, I swear I will personally flay you alive. Got it?” Adora nodded, clearly still shocked. Catra moved her foot and let Adora stand. She was still bristling, but something about finally being able to tell Adora to get out felt good. Maybe she actually could be happy here, with--
“Come with me.”
“What?” And just like that, Adora was in control of the situation again. Catra floundered, suddenly at a loss for words.
“Come with me. Please.” Adora’s voice hitched. “Back to Bright Moon.”
“A-are you… no? ” A curt laugh escaped before Catra could cut it off. She decided to try to play it off with cold sarcasm. “I couldn’t. Princess Sparkles and Commander Crop Top would never--”
“I would. And so would they, if you gave them time.” Adora was standing right by the door, holding out a hand to her. Catra stared at it like she didn’t know what it was. Then, almost imperceptibly, her hand twitched. Adora could tell she was hesitating, maybe even actually considering it. And then she had to go and blow it completely.
“Especially with all the information you have to offer about the Horde… you could really help us out.” Catra recoiled. Of course, even this was still about the Rebellion. How useful she was.
“Right. I can go back with you and be useful , and pray that’s good enough for your new friends. Hard pass.” Something occurred to Catra.
“Or, you could stay here with me.” Adora took a step back. “Ditch the sword somewhere Sparkles will find it, or… I don’t care, anyone else, and stay with me.” She looked up and locked eyes with Adora, and it made Catra falter. There was something about Adora’s gaze. It always felt like she could see right through her manipulations, past whatever bullshit front she was putting up, and see into her. It was frightening, but at the same time she could never bring herself to look away.
“Catra… I…” The hesitation gave her so much hope, even though she knew it was probably futile.
“I… can’t." Adora looked away and bit her lip. Catra’s gaze hardened again. "The Rebellion needs me… needs She-Ra.” Of course. Adora had never passed up the chance to be a hero, to be there for anyone else. But not for her.
“Really? They need you that bad?” Catra scoffed. “Whatever. What about you ? What do you need, Adora?”
“It doesn’t matter.” Adora couldn’t meet her eyes anymore. “What I want isn’t… it isn’t as important as freeing the planet from Hordak.” The response had come with almost no hesitation. For some reason, that hurt worse than any blow She-Ra had ever landed in a fight. Catra felt like she’d been punched in the stomach.
“What you want isn’t important. Right, okay. Sounds like your new friends really care a lot .” There was bile in her voice now.
“And this is what you want?” Adora retorted. “To live out here, in this wasteland full of dead ends, with a bunch of murderous bandits who only listen to you because they’re afraid of you?”
“I know what I want.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. This is what I want.” Catra choked on the words. “I want this, and I’m not throwing it away just because you need to keep living out your stupid hero fantasy.” It felt like such a lie. “So you make the choice. Leave, stay, whatever you want-- oh, sorry, whatever you need to do -- but if you leave, don’t ever come back.” It hurt to say, but Catra tried to cover the pain in her voice.
“Fine. I guess this is goodbye, then.” Adora turned back to her, and Catra met her gaze again.
There was something there in Adora’s eyes. It wasn’t the same as what she’d seen in Scorpia, and it was buried under layers of resentment and anger, but there was something there. It was powerful, and it called to Catra. It made her want to throw herself at Adora and apologize, admit it was all her fault, agree to go back to Bright Moon, do anything just to stay with her.
And then Adora was gone, and it felt like she’d ripped out a part of her heart and taken it with her.
Catra sat down in the cave and felt herself starting to cry. For once, she made no attempt to stop it.
===
Three Months Later
===
If there was one real benefit to living in the Crimson Wastes, it was the weather. On clear nights like this one, standing outside was almost therapeutic by itself. The wind traced its way across the dunes softly, whispering quietly to itself. Far from the smog of Hordak’s machines and the forges of war, the air smelled clean. Sometimes it carried the scents of desert flowers, scents that were easier for Catra to pick up. Even though the flowers weren’t supposed to exist she’d learned where to find them. It was one of her favorite things to do these days.
Not that there were many options. As she and Scorpia had quickly learned, the Crimson Wastes were full of dead ends-- canyons that went nowhere, paths that had faded into the desert, people with nowhere left to go and no one left to care about them.
In a way, she felt like she’d hit a dead end with Scorpia too. Their friendship was still great-- better than ever, actually-- but she kept feeling like there was something unsaid between them, a tension that made it very hard for the two of them to be alone together. So far every tactic she’d tried to get past it had been a spectacular failure. She was not looking forward to her next attempt.
An attempt that looked to be coming much sooner than anticipated. Catra heard the scuffle of Scorpia’s feet well before she actually reached her. It was immediately clear that she was once again trying to be inconspicuous and, once again, was anything but. Sneaking was never her strong suit.
“Oh, Catra! I didn’t know you were out here.” Scorpia laughed a little, a sound that Catra was admittedly pressed to find any issue with. “Boy, it’s a lovely night. Just… really wonderful. So good for walking, or standing, or… talking.” Catra felt herself grit her teeth.
“Yeah, right,” Catra said quietly. “It’s peaceful.” She was still hoping that Scorpia might take the hint and stay quiet so they could enjoy the evening together. Unfortunately, taking hints wasn’t Scorpia’s strong suit either.
“Yeah. Not to mention the aridity does wonders for my shell… Oh! Did you hear? The scouts came back from that village on the border. They said they managed to convince them to join up, and they didn’t even have to beat the tar out of anyone first.” Scorpia smiled and moved closer to Catra.
“That’s great.” She tried to smile back, but it came across a lot sadder than she’d hoped it would.
“Yeah… apparently, you’re getting a reputation. As a good leader.” Catra felt her face flush. “Someone who can fight off the Horde or the princesses, who sticks up for the people of the Wastes. Who cares about us.”
“I… didn’t know they saw me like that.” Catra had to admit the praise felt good.
“Don’t get me wrong, you’re still scary beyond all reason,” Scorpia said with a short laugh. “I mean, who knew someone who was so cute and fluffy--” Catra’s glare cut her off. “Sorry, uh, someone who… okay, you know what I mean. But they respect you for more than that. I’d say that's a reason to celebrate.” There was still the same energy in her voice that Catra had heard the night Scorpia convinced her to stay. That energy picked her up on days when she started to get down… which was getting to be more days than not.
“Yeah, I guess…” Scorpia picked up on the lack of enthusiasm. Usually, just suggesting a party was enough to get Catra to perk up.
“What’s eating you, Wildcat?” Scorpia said, a note of clear concern in her voice.
“Nothing. It just… still feels like I’m missing something, you know?” Catra turned away. She really didn’t want to trouble Scorpia with whatever feelings she was having.
Three months should have been more than enough time to adjust. Three months of living away from Hordak and Shadow Weaver and their toxic games, of victory after victory, of celebrations and parties and actually enjoying being alive. Three months with Scorpia. And three months without Adora. She should’ve been happier than ever before… but when she was alone with her thoughts, it all came back. Despite being surrounded by friends, Catra was still so lonely.
“Sometimes it feels like this whole place is full of dead ends.” She said it quietly, the words Adora had said that night welling back up when she least expected them.
“Dead ends…?” Scorpia sounded confused, and potentially a little hurt. Catra knew she was going to have to tread carefully.
“It’s nice living here. I do feel better than when I was with the Horde, but… it’s called the Crimson Wastes for a reason.” She turned back to Scorpia, but couldn’t meet her gaze. “It’s just--” Something in Scorpia’s expression made her stop.
“Hey. Can I say something?” The look on Scorpia’s face was soft, and for some reason it was making Catra very nervous.
“I know things have been weird between us the past couple days. But there’s something I need to say.” Scorpia locked eyes with her, and suddenly Catra understood. It was terrifying.
“Oh, no,” Catra said in a voice that was barely a whisper.
“Listen. Wildcat… no, Catra. These few months have been the best of my life. And I know they’ve made you happy too. I know you might not believe it yet, but you need to move on. Forget about Adora and the rest of them.” Catra could hear the emotion in her voice. Her head was spinning. She had to get out, get away , find some way to stop this before… before one of them got hurt. Badly hurt.
“Scorpia.”
“And… this is a little selfish of me, but I want you to be happy for me too.” Now Scorpia was blushing, and it was starting to make Catra freak out.
“Scorpia. ”
“I’m happy when you’re happy, Wildcat. Because I--”
“Scorpia, don't. ” Catra let the commanding edge back into her voice, and it finally worked.
“What?” Scorpia looked surprised, and it hurt Catra more than she liked to admit to continue. But she had to.
“Scorpia, listen. You’re right… about some of that stuff, anyway.” Catra took the sentence one word at a time, trying to find the right way to lay everything out without hurting Scorpia. “This is the happiest I’ve ever been. And it’s because of you.” Catra looked away, and her hesitation said almost as much as her words did. She could tell that Scorpia was disappointed, but she had to keep going.
“You’re a good friend, Scorpia. But I haven’t been a good friend to you. And I can’t keep leading you on, even by accident.” Her expression darkened. “I can’t let someone else go through that.” Not after what she’d been through. She knew the pain that kind of… feeling could cause, and she wasn’t going to let Scorpia end up like her. Better to hurt her a little bit now, all at once, rather than let her burn herself up slowly chasing something she couldn’t have.
“Catra, I…”
“I know.” She reached out and took Scorpia’s claw. “But… I can’t. Not like that. Even if I had some feelings, I’d just ruin you. I can’t give you back what you’re giving to me.” Her gaze wandered back to the horizon, to where you could just make out the very edge of the Whispering Woods as a line of green at the very extent of vision.
Scorpia watched her and said nothing, but it was obvious she understood. After a moment, she dropped Catra’s hand and turned away.
“Okay. I’m sorry.” Her voice was quiet, but Catra could feel the hurt. It broke her up, knowing she’d done that to her friend.
“You don’t have to apologize to me. I’m sorry that I can’t--”
“No. You’re doing the right thing.” Scorpia turned back to her and smiled sadly. “I’m not sorry for my feelings. I’m sorry that you… that she’s left you like this. But when you’re ready to move on… I’ll be here. By your side. Like a good friend.” Without another word, she walked back down the slope to the camp and left Catra alone again.
Catra watched her go until the white tuft of her hair disappeared beneath the rim of the canyon. The Wastes suddenly seemed very cold. She felt isolated, caught out at the edge of the world underneath the vast, empty sky.
She couldn’t stop herself from turning back to the Woods. Adora was somewhere out there. Even though it had been months, and they hadn’t seen each other, Catra hoped she felt the same way. As much as she’d denied it, tried to move on, Adora still had a hold on her, and the only hope she had left was that Adora was just as stuck here as she was. Just as alone.
If she was going to burn quietly like this, she at least hoped Adora was burning too.