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Why you should give when you can get?
Sometimes, it seems like some of the biggest moments in our lives start with something very small, seemingly insignificant. Like a little spark on a barrel of gunpowder can ignite a big explosion. The thing is, we tend to focus on the spark, the little thing that starts it all, and forget that the barrel of gunpowder was already there, the fuel to the explosion just waiting for the spark.
That's what happened to Becky and Linda in their senior year. This barrel was there, getting filled everyday by gunpowder, and they were ignoring it, until the spark came. In their case, the spark was a small, seemingly insignificant phrase Becky said one afternoon, when they were leaving cheer practice.
"...then Tom and I are going on a date in the movies Saturday--" this was the kind of thing Linda would normally try to ignore, or pretend that she did, but something made her stop in her tracks.
"Wait, this Saturday? The same day you and I are gonna watch Titanic?" she closed her locker door and turned to look at Becky. She was hoping, against all logic, that her friend would say it was the next Saturday, that she would say anything other than what she ended up saying.
"Oh my God! Linda, I'm so sorry, I totally forgot…" her eyes went wide, and Linda could see she was telling the truth, but it somehow made things worse.
"You forgot ? We've been gushing over this for ages ! I bought the fucking tickets last week and everything! How did you just forget?" Linda didn't even bother to hide how angry she was. She's had enough of this, endured way more than she should, and this was the last straw.
"Well, yesterday Tom asked me to go, and I just said yes, I didn't even think--" the more she tried to justify, the worse it got.
"Of course you didn't think, you never think around him." her voice was cold, sharp.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Becky crossed her arms and got a step closer, looking down at her as if the height difference could intimidate Linda. It couldn't.
"That you're a fucking tool with him! You don't think, you don't look around, you barely remember there's anything else in the world other than your precious boyfriend!" Thank God they were the only ones left in the cheerleader's locker room, because Linda wasn't controlling the volume of her voice anymore. This was stuck in her throat for too long for her to care.
"Are you jealous?" Becky caught it, her eyebrows raising, and Linda's eyes went wide.
Too obvious, Linda, you can't even hide it anymore , she scolded herself, hesitating for a second before trying to remedy it.
"What? Of course not!" of course she was. So, so jealous it sometimes hurt. To see her by his side, laughing and looking at him with adoring eyes, every fucking day, it was horrible.
"You used to be a better liar than this." She was right, it was a terrible lie, her voice even trembled a little. But she wouldn't let this argument become about this, she was still mad at her.
"Don't try to make this about me, Becky. You're the one being a terrible friend!"
"But it is about you! You're jealous that I have a boyfriend and you don't." so that's why Becky thought she was jealous? Linda even let out a relieved breath, that she masked with an eye roll.
"Bitch, please! I don't need a boyfriend!" she tossed her hair back, but her eyes drifted off Becky's face, staring down for a second, hesitating. "I need you…" it went out as a whisper, her palms sweating, her eyes still not meeting Becky's. Saying it was a gamble, or maybe just a misguided impulse, but she couldn't help it.
"What?!" her tone clearly said something like 'I hope I didn't hear that right', and Linda immediately regretted having blurted that out. Fortunately, she was able to think fast and fix that.
"I need you to be a damn friend once in a while!" her eyes turned to face Becky again, letting all her anger show, and burying deep everything else. "Instead of forgetting I exist like every fucking day!"
"Oh, I get it now. You're mad 'cause you realised not everyone's world revolve around you." Becky's voice was so full of disdain it almost sounded like Linda's.
"What are you even talking about?" she furrowed her brow, not wanting to believe that the redhead would try to drift from the subject again.
"You know, that you're an egocentric brat who thinks everyone should stop their lives to worship you. You have this desperate need for attention, and you get angry and frustrated every time something shows you that you're not the center of the universe."
Linda took a step back. That hurt, mostly because it was true, and the disapproving tone Becky said it made her extremely uncomfortable.
"Maybe I am egocentric and all that, but I'm not… I'm not asking you to break up with him and stop your life to worship me!" as much as I wanted to , she completed on her mind. "Do I really have to say it again? You're the one being a shitty friend and letting me aside for him!"
"No, I'm not! You're just being dramatic!" she was pure indignation, and in any other situation Linda would have reveled in it, loving to get her like that, but in this moment it didn't even matter. After all, she was as angry as Becky right now.
"Do you want me to count how many times you left me hanging to stay with him?"
"Like you never done this before!" the redhead squared her chest, putting her hands on her waist like she'd gained some upperhand. "Don't you remember last year, when you left me alone in Justin's party to fool around with him?"
"I left you for like half an hour, once! And we were in a party!" Linda couldn't even believe she was making that comparison. "I'm talking straight up canceling things and… hell, we barely hang out at school anymore! Are you gonna lie to my face and say it's not true?"
Becky's eyes went to her feet, her demeanor falling, and she slightly bit her own lip before whispering a meak "No."
"Well, finally you're starting to at least acknowledge your shit." Linda opened a snarky smile by that admission. "You accused me of wanting the world to revolve around me, but your world is revolving around him ! And that's the lamest, shittiest thing to do, to forget you have friends when you get a boyfriend. " Her voice was full of disdain, one of the many tones she used to make Becky angry.
And, surely enough, it made the redhead look up at her again with her eyes fired up, her mouth opening and closing once before she found a spiteful enough answer.
"Excuse me if I like to spend my time with someone who actually appreciates me for a change!"
Linda wasn't expecting that, and she furrowed her brow, crossing her arms in a sort of defensive pose. The redhead saw her cowering and took it as a sign she was winning the argument, squaring her shoulders again and stepping closer.
"What? Are you kidding?" she was sure Becky didn't mean that, she couldn't mean it, right?
"No! Tom likes me the way I am, he's supportive and nice and he's always trying to make me smile. While you are always getting in my nerves, and calling me names, and making me angry just for sport!" she was lashing out, and every word was like a stab to Linda, whose stance became more and more defensive as she went on.
"So? We've always been like this." the blonde tired to justify, trying to sound nonchalant, but failing miserably.
"Yeah, maybe that's the problem! Maybe I deserve being treated right once in a while!" she could see Becky growing more confident at every word, more absorbed in her self-righteousness.
"Wait, so you're saying… what? You're always miserable around me? Is that how I make you feel?" her voice broke, and for the first time she felt small by Becky's side.
"Infuriated, mostly…" the ginger would just go on, but Linda couldn't bear to hear any more of that.
"So you don't want to be my friend anymore." it wasn't a question.
For some miracle, her voice sounded firm again. The words made Becky stop, widening her eyes and letting her chin drop a little in surprise.
"That's not what I said!" just now she seemed to realise the implications of what she just said, but Linda didn't usually cut her a slack, and she was too hurt to make an exception for it now.
"That's exactly what you said!" she started to look more confident again, trying not to show her weakness. "You said you rather spend your time with him than me! So why bother even talking to me, huh? Might as well spare you from the inconvenience and end it, right?"
She was putting her anger on the outside, wanting to hide how broken she really was, but not completely succeeding. Either way, it gave Becky some pause, and the redhead now looked hesitant.
"No! I… I don't…" she sounded almost confused, her eyes drifting away from Linda's, looking at anything but her face.
For some reason, this attitude made the blonde even angrier. She had acted like that for that whole argument, trying to evade her mistakes, either denying what she did or said or trying to place the blame on Linda. It's like she felt guilty, but didn't have the guts to admit it, and it infuriated Linda because it was so pathetic.
"Make a choice, Becky! Either take back what you said or fucking own it! Stop being such a coward!" she nudged, her voice a mix of anger and despise. Like always, she pushed all the right buttons to make the redhead furious.
"Fine! Go away, then!" the answer was so quick it startled both of them, and Linda took a step back, her eyes widening.
"Alright, that's it. You better know I'm not coming back." it took everything from her to avoid sounding as heartbroken as she was. It ended up sounding spiteful and pouty, almost childish.
She turned away and started walking towards the door, wanting to get out of there before the paper thin facade she still had would fall. It wouldn't hold much longer, she was sure of that.
"Good riddance." Becky's voice sounded almost as spiteful as hers did, and her words were the final stab to her heart.
Linda stopped as she touched the doorknob, knowing that going through that door would mark the end of their friendship. But she couldn't stall just for the sake of it, she refused to look weak. She also refused to look back, so she kept staring at the door as she made her desperate attempt to have the final words on the argument.
"Just don't come cry to me when the fairytale is over." She managed to sound harsh, cold even, so she opened the door congratulating herself for the exit.
"It won't be over!" Becky yelled, also trying to have the last word.
And, for maybe the first time, Linda let her. The reason was simple: there was nothing more the blonde could bear saying without completely breaking. So her only response was to slam the door behind her as hard as she could, leaving Becky on the other side.
Linda refused to break in the middle of school, but she knew her self control wound only last so much, so she started walking faster, and in a few seconds it became running. The way to her car was a blur, and as soon as she closed herself inside it, the girl felt the hot tears running down her cheeks.
She felt so pathetic, so weak, crying alone in her car like that. She hated it, how that stupid brat made her feel so deeply, how she went through all her defenses and made her open up, just to stab her right in the chest. And that fight has escalated so quickly that she didn't even see it coming. She wasn't prepared to let her go, not at all!
Was it my fault? , she thought. Maybe if she hadn't pressured, Becky would have taken back what she said. Or maybe if she'd let the argument go after Becky admitted she was benign lousy… No! She couldn't sit there and blame herself! Doing this was even lamer than crying like she was! No way, none of that was her fault! It was Becky's.
Becky was the one at fault, since the beginning of the fight. She was the one being a crappy friend, she was the one trying to deny it at all costs, she was the one who basically spit in their whole friendship and tossed it on the trash.
It hurt too much to think about what she said, but her words kept repeating themselves in Linda's mind. All those years of friendship, and the redhead just traded it for a stupid sweet-talking boy. 'Oh, he treats me right'… Bullshit! She felt her blood boil with rage, the tears blurring her eyes, and the urge to scream or just beat something.
"I hate her! I hate her!" she mumbled, slamming her fists on the steering wheel.
She did hate her. She hated so much about that girl! She hated how pretty she was and how she had everyone, Linda included, staring adoringly at her. She hated how effortless she gained all the popularity and attention Linda had to fight so hard for. She hated that cheery, hyped up, optimistic personality she had, and that smile that shined so bright it illuminated everything around.
This smile she hated so much that she loved to irritate her and take it away, replacing it with that fiery rage that made her even more pretty, if that was even possible. God, how Linda just wanted to kiss her every time they argued… She hated that too, how her feelings were so clearly not reciprocated. She hated to be in love with the one person that wouldn't love her back.
Linda also hated that Becky was right about how she always wanted to be the center of the universe. Of course she did! But it was deeper than that, it was a burning, desperate need to feel loved. Sure, she could blame her mother or whatever crap like that, but it didn't make a difference. The thing was, all this time and energy she spent trying to make other people love her just made her lose the one person that mattered.
Linda could say she never had enough love to actually learn how it worked, but… she liked to think she was learning it with Becky. Love is a two way street, that's what people always say, you have to give it to get it. But this was bullshit! It had to be, otherwise… why did every time she loved someone, they didn't love her back? Was there something wrong with her?
No, stop thinking like that! You're not the problem, she told herself. No, the problem was this stupid idea about giving love in order to get it. It wasn't worth it, she'd just proved that! She might have been stupid enough to think it was, to think investing her love and care would pay in time, but it didn't. All it did was make her vulnerable and now it got her heart broken. It wasn't an investment, it was a gamble and the odds were crap.
No more of that, she decided, wiping her tears and starting the car to go home. Loving was stupid, and she was done with it. From now on, no more giving, she would only have the getting. Opening her heart was a mistake and Linda wasn't someone to repeat mistakes.