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Kryten was not jealous, not in the slightest. Why would you even think that? He was a mechanoid. He didn't get jealous. That was ridiculous.
It had all started last Thursday when the Wildfire had pulled into Red Dwarf and Ace had taken off his wig and asked, in a voice that sounded suspiciously reedy and un-Ace-like, whether his bunk was still free, and Lister had ran up to hug him like a wife whose husband had just returned from the war. After a lot of awkward explanations, involving Rimmer slipping in and out of the Ace voice like a failed impressionist and Lister looking at him far too lovingly considering the circumstances, it surfaced that Rimmer had never died in the first place, and had instead left to be Ace, before getting sick of 'lying to himself' and deciding to return to Red Dwarf.
Over the next week, Kryten didn't miss the way that Lister looked just a bit too engaged whenever Rimmer would repeat another daring story involving the GELF Princess of Galileo 2-5B and a genetically engineered six-foot crocodile, nor did he fail to notice that whenever Lister did something Lister-ish, whether it was adding extra tabasco to his early morning chilled curry sauce or humming Rastabilly Skank at an obnoxious volume in the corridor, Rimmer would look at him like he was the most endearing man who'd ever lived.
And Kryten certainly didn't miss the way they seemed to be touching each other at every opportunity, patting each other on the shoulder for no reason, hugging after they'd come back from salvaging a derelict, one time he'd even caught Rimmer kissing Lister on the cheek like a European ('Betelgeusian custom' he'd said, when he noticed Kryten in the doorway).
Kryten had had enough.
"You promised you wouldn't do it again after Miss Kochanski!" Kryten wailed on one particular day when, during his daily sweep of the bunkroom, he'd found one of Rimmer's sock suspenders in Lister's bed
"Kryten, what are you on about, man?" Lister said, abandoning his game of Solitare on the bunkroom table with a sigh and turning to face him
"You and Mr Rimmer! Ever since he got back you've been all over him. You've barely talked to me at all! Just 'Sorry Kryten, don't disturb us tonight, Rimsy's teaching me how to nerve grip a Psiren'!" Kryten cried
"No, Kryts, you've got it all wrong," Lister said, raising his hands defensively "He's just been gone for ages and I missed him, y'know? It's nothing more than that,"
"That's the problem! You're not supposed to miss him, he's Mr Rimmer! You know, one day I even made your favourite lager chili cocktail with one of those little umbrellas and you didn't even notice because you were too busy oggling Mr Rimmer! It's enough to make me want a head change," Kryten whined
"I'm not that obvious!" Lister laughed nervously, rapidly changing tactics
"Sir, with the deepest respect, yes you are,"
"No I'm not! Hey, Cat-" Lister said, noticing Cat walking past the door and beckoning him into the bunkroom "Have you noticed anything with me and Rim-"
"Ohh, you mean that you're diddling Goalpost Head?" Cat asked innocently
"Where did you get that idea?" Lister said quickly, turning a bit red and glancing between Cat and Kryten
"I'm a cat, we sense things," Cat grinned, before yowling and spinning out of the room
There was a moment of silence as Kryten stared at Lister, a hint of Smug Mode on his face. The situation wasn't helped when Rimmer returned to the bunkroom and, as casually as ever, rested his hand on Lister's shoulder and didn't show any signs of removing it. Kryten continued to stare expectantly at Lister.
"What's going on?" Rimmer spoke up, massaging Lister's back and shoulder in a seemingly completely unconscious gesture
"Kryten has this idea, this whacko-jacko bizaaro idea, that we're..." Lister hesitated "A unit,"
"Preposterous!" He shouted a little too quickly, nostrils flaring and hand shooting down from Lister's shoulder to resting against the table like he'd had it there all along. Lister, seemingly also completely unaware he was doing it, moved his hand up to rest on top of Rimmer's.
"You're holding hands! This is worse than Miss Kochanski!" Kryten wailed, screwing up his face
Lister sighed, putting his hands up in surrender "Alright, you caught us. But Kryten, there is one more thing I should say,"
Kryten nodded
"You should probably leave the bunkroom, Rimsy and I are planning on a rather exciting do not disturb night tonight," Lister said, smirking devilishly
"Oh, you two are disgusting!" Kryten wailed, hitting Lister with his feather duster and stomping out of the bunkroom, his whinging getting slowly fainter until the door finally slid closed behind him.
"An exciting do not disturb night?" Rimmer asked after a moment, raising an eyebrow
Lister turned in his chair "It was the only thing I could think of to get rid of him,"
"Well, it's not a bad idea," Rimmer said, pulling Lister up from his chair with his hard light strength
Lister hummed, and leant in to kiss him
Suddenly, the door slid open again with a thunk, and Lister pulled away breathlessly to see Kryten standing in the doorway
"Oh, I didn't realise you meant now! I only came back to grab my antibacterial spray!" Kryten whined, clunking back into the hall. The door thunked shut behind him.
Rimmer laughed, a genuine laugh he hadn't done in eons, and looked back at Lister.
"Now, where were we?"