Archive of Our Own

“I am going to take you home!”

“Promise?

No matter how much she replayed it in her head, it didn't add up. She did so much wrong, so much evil. No amount of regret would ever make that right. And yet Adora came back for her. She would have been mad at Adora for coming back, if she weren’t so glad to be alive. Wait… She was?

Catra raised her head from the pillow, trying not to think about the intrusion to her consciousness. Thoughts not her own swimming in the periphery of her mind, ignoring the stinging pain at the back of her neck. It still hurt so much.

When did she start being glad to be alive? When did this wish for a life blossom in her mind again? She couldn’t pinpoint it; she had wanted to die for so long.

Her mismatched eyes focused on the door of the room she was in, the shiny metal separating her from the rest of the crew on this ship – Adora and her friends. Sparkles… No, Glimmer. Bow. Entrapta . She shook violently, trying not to let her mind rewind, claws digging into her short hair, almost pulling whole strands out.

Her hair. Such a stupid thing. Such a vain, stupid thing, but it hurt nonetheless. He cut her hair, stripped her mask from her, left her washed out and broken in, like a proper pet. Whipped into shape, like a disobedient child; chipped, like a slave. The invasion into her head, her space, her body… She wished to claw at all of it, wipe it away and go back to nothingness.

Yet Adora did something to her – healed her body, for sure, but something more. The vast, empty pit in her stomach was gone – she no longer wanted to die. But she still couldn’t make it right. She had nothing worthwhile to give anymore. Why did Adora go back for her then?

Was there anything she could do? Was there a way for her to go back to who she was?

No.

She didn’t want to go back to past Catra. In the past, she was equally hurt, equally afraid. Completely alone. 

Always, it had seemed, when she got back close to Adora, Adora pulled away. So why had Adora come back for her this time, when Catra had told her not to?

She didn’t matter to anyone, whatever Adora said. But she mattered to herself now.

Maybe a change was in order. She ran her hands through her hair again, frowning. Maybe she could find some scissors.

She stood up, legs still shaky, and walked over to the door. The blinding light of the hallway assaulted her senses as she stepped out into it. Her ears perked, checking for sounds of anyone coming. They didn’t bother her in the room that was given to her – none but Adora, of course, so she’d taken to pretending to be asleep for the last few times. She could not bear to see anyone, least of all her. But she also wished for her presence. So similar to the last few years, the feeling she tried to run away from when Adora found the sword. Always, always longing for Adora to come back, to choose her , to stay with her . And over and over, Adora chose the Rebellion, chose her new friends over Catra; chose She-Ra.

Her clawed hand pressed onto the cold metal wall and she traced the engraved line as she limped towards the restroom, her other hand pressed tight over the chip on her neck, as if that would stop all her vulnerabilities from showing. She had given up, she had decided there was nothing else left, nothing else that mattered.

“Adora, I’m sorry! For everything!”

She pressed that switch and sent Glimmer away, so Adora would have a chance. That was what she wanted right? She didn’t need Catra.

But Adora came back. For her. And now Catra wanted to live again. How could Adora do this to her?

The door to the restroom opened and she moved to the sink, looking up at the ancient mirror that hung above it. The reflection looking back at her was not her own. She blinked and the green eyes disappeared, but not the current that still coursed from the chip. Not the haunting laughter and the pain.

“Aaaargh!” She heard the mirror breaking as sharp pain coursed through her fist, pieces digging into her fur and skin, blood dripping onto the pristine sink. She gripped the sides of it, head down, holding back the tears threatening to wash over her. Catra was still holding a piece of the mirror as someone’s hand fell on her shoulder and she froze.

Her whole body shook violently, the staccato of the hive mind thrumming in her bones. She crumbled into herself, making herself smaller, hopefully unreachable. The broken glass clinked into the sink. The hand was gone the moment she shrunk.

“Catra… What are you doing?” a soft voice asked. Adora’s voice. Catra still shook, her arms moving to wrap around herself, oblivious to the blood that smeared onto her garments. Her tail whipped around her midsection, as if to protect her from attack.
“What’s it to you?” she asked. She raised her gaze, looking at the shattered image in the mirror. There she was, a broken cat, tears streaking down her face. And behind her, Adora, clear gray eyes wide.
“I heard a crash, I thought… I thought you passed out or something.”
“Well, I didn’t. As you can see, I’m fine.” The blood was still trickling down her arm. She felt the sharp bit of the mirror digging into her palm. Who am I kidding? I am not fine.
“Catra…” Adora whispered, her hand slowly going back to Catra’s shoulder. This time, the feline did not shy away. “You’re not fine. You’re bleeding.”
“I’ll take care of it.”
“Let me help you.”
“I said I can do it myself!” Catra lashed out with her claw, spinning around. She stopped herself. 

In the next moment, she doubled down, her whole body writhing in pain, static blurring her vision. Adora’s hands caught her before she crumpled to the ground, clutching the cat in her lap.
“Catra, just… Talk to me! What’s going on? What were you doing?”
Involuntarily, Catra sobbed, grabbing Adora’s uniform. The same uniform she had worn when they were both cadets.
“You don’t get it Adora. I’m useless. Prime made sure of it. He… He took away everything...” Catra hissed at the admittance, burying her head into Adora’s chest. “There’s nothing left of me.”

“Oh Catra…”
“I don’t need your pity,” Catra interrupted her.
“Just shut up for a second!” Adora’s tone shocked her into silence. “I am not pitying you. I’m worried, Catra. I just got you back after so long. I’m not going to let you spiral away from me again.”
“What..?”
“I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now. I just know I’m worried to my core that something is going to happen to you again. I’ll take care of you Catra. I can help you fix this.”

Catra raised her face to look at Adora, tears slowly stopping. She gripped the blonde’s shoulder and tried to push herself back up. Her hold was shaky at best, but Adora didn’t let her move away. She was still trying to play the hero. Typical. How could Adora not understand how much that irked her?
“Catra… Please.”
“No, Adora. I don’t need your help. If anyone is going to fix this, it has to be me.”

Her chest ached, and the flashes were still in the back of her mind. Would they ever stop?

Adora let go of her then, standing up. Her ex friend sighed before taking Catra under the arms to raise her back on her feet. “Alright. I know you need time. And rest. But, what were you even doing here? You scared me to death when I walked in.”

Catra was staring down at her bloody hand, realizing how it must have looked from Adora’s perspective. “Did you… Did you think I was going to hurt myself?”
Adora closed her eyes, inhaling. “Well, I wasn’t wrong. I mean, look at yourself. You broke a mirror.” Her gray eyes traced the bloody smear on Catra’s clothes, the sink and the hole in the middle of the glass.
“Well… Yeah. But that’s not what I asked,” Catra said, hiding her arm behind her back.
“Maybe I was a bit worried over that, too,” Adora admitted.
“You don’t have to be. I wasn’t trying to do anything, I promise. I just…” Catra looked away.

“Catra.” Adora’s hand gingerly moved to rest on her cheek, similarly to how she touched her back at Prime’s ship. It sent intense shivers up Catra’s spine. If only it could stop the buzzing in her bones. “I can’t lose you again. So just... tell me.”
“Fine! I was trying to find something sharp so I could cut my hair.”
“What?” Adora’s eyes widened, mouth agape. The blonde shook her head in disbelief, an incredulous smile growing. “And you thought breaking a mirror would be a smart idea? You didn’t think to just… just ask for scissors or something?”
“I wasn’t trying to break it, I’m not an idiot. It’s these damn flashes… They keep happening, and it feels like I’m being watched. I was looking at myself and for a moment… It looked like I was back there again.”

She pulled her hand in front of her, spreading the palm. A piece of the mirror was embedded inside it still. Her tail swung behind her nervously. “I just wanted to make it stop.”
“Oh Catra…. I’m so sorry.” Adora moved in, taking Catra’s hand into hers. She leaned closer, inspecting the wound. “I can take it out for you… If you want me to?”

Adora’s eyes were so big, her eyebrows furrowed in worry; her touch was gentle and warm. Catra fought her instinct to run away screaming, knowing that what she really wanted to do this time was stay.

She straightened her tail and inhaled. “At least you asked this time.”
Adora blinked, her lips curving into a small smile.
“Yeah. Fine. I’d… appreciate your help,” Catra finally managed.
Adora nodded. “Alright. Sit there, and I’ll get the med kit.” She maneuvered Catra to a bench with ease, now that the feline wasn’t struggling, and went to rummage through one of the cupboards. Strange metal box in hand, she returned, kneeling in front of Catra, spreading her hand to look at the palm. Catra winced but didn’t whimper.

“I wish I could heal you again. It’d be much easier but… I haven’t been able to turn back into She-Ra since we took off.” Adora sounded disappointed as she took out something that looked like tweezers and cotton pads. She grabbed a spray bottle and looked up at Catra. “You might want to get ready for this. I bet it burns something fierce.”

Catra nodded, holding the edge of the bench as Adora sprayed the disinfectant and then moved in to remove the lodged piece. It hurt, but not nearly as much as the pain she had already gone through. Still, her claws were digging into the metal of the bench before Adora finished and sprayed again, finally bandaging the wound. At least the murmurs were silent while Catra focused on Adora’s work. Adora clapped her hands together in front of her, after putting the box to the side. She looked up at Catra, fingers moving over her hurt hand lightly. 

“There, all good now.” She wore a quiet, kind smile. 

Why were her cheeks suddenly so hot? How could Adora always make her feel this way? Catra blinked rapidly, tail lashing behind her as she broke eye contact. Repressing a pout, she mumbled a quiet “Thanks.”

Catra didn’t dare look back at Adora again. It was too confusing.

“So, do you still want to cut your hair?” Adora asked, standing up.
Catra paused before answering. Her other hand moved to comb through her hair. It felt foreign, it felt - naked. “Yeah. I need to. Prime tried to make me fit his stupid ‘image.’ But that isn’t who I am. So I’m going to make my own image. I just don’t know how I’m going to  do it. At least, not now that I’ve got all these bandages on.”
Adora raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying you want my help cutting your hair?”
“No!” Catra said, turning her head. Her tail whipped furiously.

Is it that bad to let her in? For this little thing at least?

She wasn’t ready to let Adora back into her heart again. Not yet. Not fully. She was still too raw, too broken . But maybe, this would help. Maybe, Catra could still salvage something .

“Yes. I’d like your help with this, Adora.”
“Okay,” Adora said. That stupid smile of hers played on her face again. “Let me get some scissors.”

-------

Catra moved her uninjured hand through the short locks on her head. Adora had found a small hand mirror and held it in front of her while Catra took some time to gaze at the girl staring back at her.

“Does it look better?” Adora asked hopefully.
Catra turned from side to side, still not used to seeing this new reflection. Her mask was long gone, and with it, the old her. Maybe she could get used to this. “Yeah. Much better.”
“I think so, too. Besides, now I can actually see your face.”
“I bet you’re regretting that choice already,” Catra teased. It helped, choosing this for herself.
“Oh, I probably will. But not yet,” Adora replied, smiling over the mirror.
“Thanks, Adora,” she muttered, hand sliding down to cup her neck. The chip was silent for a while now, but she imagined she could still feel it buzzing. “I’m going to head back now. I need some sleep. I think.”

A hand gripped her wrist as she tried to move away. “Wait. Catra.”
“What?”
“I missed you.”

Why did hearing that hurt so much? Was this how it would be from now on? Why did Adora even have to say it? Hadn’t Catra suffered enough?
“You’ll regret that too, sooner or later.”
“No. I won’t.”

Catra turned away from her, staring at the cracked mirror on the wall. Being near Adora was like coming close to the sun. It was painful, but at the same time… it was so warm, too. How could she manage it?

She sighed and wriggled her hand free. Walking over to the automatic door, she turned back one more time to look at her former friend. Soon, Adora would remember all of the horrible things Catra had done, and she wouldn’t care anymore. It’d be better to be safe, and far away.
“Trust me, Princess, you will. I’m just saving you the trouble. Please. Let me be alone.”

The door closed behind her and she ran back to her room. Away from Adora, away from the stinging guilt and reminder of all the horrible things she had done. It was better that way. At least she had control over that.