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Everything is in slow motion. She watches the fall happen. The undead sweeping Sara off her feet in all the wrong ways. She’s supposed to sweep Sara off her feet, in the ways of love, in the way that Sara plants kisses up and down her neck. Not this. Not this way where Sara’s swept off her feet and she lands on the table, hard. Ava can’t hear it, but she’s sure a crack in ribs is heard. She knows it had to have hurt.
Hot tears sting her eyes. Bile slowly rising in her stomach. The acid burning in the back of her throat as she watches them tear at Sara. The scream rips through her body.
“ SARA !”
She screams it.
She’s never screamed so hard in her life.
It's the only thing she can do as she watches them rip the love of her life away from her.
She slips on the bar and they pull her down. She feels like she’s being torn in two and her whole body hurts.
“ SARA !” She lets out another heart wrenching scream.
And then everything goes black.
Her chest is heaving.
Cold sweat runs down her back as she sits up straight. She turns, and the bed is empty.
And everything hurts, again.
She blinks past the tears in the dark as she pulls Sara’s pillow to her chest. Her breathing is still erratic and there’s a damp spot, from her tears, growing increasingly bigger on the pillow clutched tightly in her arms.
And then there’s light, peaking in the room as the door opens.
And arms quickly wrapped around her shaking body.
And a voice, comforting her.
“Ava, I’m here. I’m here.” Repeated like a mantra.
And Ava can start to feel her breathing even out. She can start to feel her heart slowing down to normal. She can start to feel her body stop shaking and her brain focuses on only the voice, only the touch. The voice is the only thing grounding her through her panic attack.
“Ava, tell me five things you can see.” She barely hears the words, but she tries.
“It's dark,” Her breathing is still too heavy to be normal yet. “But I see the lights outside the ship, i–in the hall. T–The shadow of your arms around me.” She pauses.
“Good, three more.”
Three more. She can do this.
“The clock on my nightstand.”
She tries to look around the room a tiny bit. Trying to see what the darkness would let her eyes settle on.
“The light from the hall is shining on the feet of that chair over there.” She tries.
“One more.”
She can do this. She knows she can. This isn’t her first nightmare, nor her first panic attack, and she knows they both probably won’t be her last, either.
“Your eyes.” She says, looking into them.
“Now tell me, four things you can feel.”
“Your hands, right now holding me.” She thinks harder now. “The blanket covering me, your hair against neck, and—“
She concentrates hard, trying to focus her mind on coming up with a last item she can feel at that moment.
“Your heartbeat against my cheek.” She feels the light, but steady thrumming of the heartbeat against her cheek. It’s feathery and light, but it’s doing everything to keep her here , in this moment, together, whole .
“Very good. Can you tell me three things you can hear right now?”
“The hum of the ship, like always.” The answer comes easy to her. “Your breathing, smooth, steady. My breathing, heavy, erratic.” She answers, comparing the two.
“What about two things you can smell?”
She thinks about that one a little harder now. It’s even harder than before because she was doing everything but focusing on her sense of smell right at that very moment. “The laundry soap on your shirt. You used mine, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, sorry.” It makes Ava’s lips curl up into a smile. “What else do you smell?”
“Your shampoo.” She says quietly. “It’s tropical, reminds you of Aruba.”
“It does. Tell me, can you taste anything?”
“ You .” Ava whispers.
She leans in, cupping Sara’s cheeks, and taking Sara’s lips in her own. She runs her tongue along Sara’s bottom lip and Sara grants her access. It’s soft, and grounding, and it's everything she needs right now.
She pulls back sooner than she would’ve liked, but her breathing is still heavier than normal and she needs oxygen again. She takes in a deep breath and cradles Sara's cheeks in her hands. She feels the tears slip down her own cheeks as she stares into Sara's eyes.
“Baby, I—”
“You had another nightmare?” Sara fills in.
Ava can only nod.
“You weren’t here when I woke up. I–I didn’t know where you were. I thought maybe you really were gone.”
“Baby, I’m here. I am here, Ava.” She repeats again, kissing Ava’s forehead. “I was just in the bathroom, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to be right here by your side, forever, okay?”
“Forever?” Ava says weakly. “You proposing now, Captain Lance?” She tries to joke and feels Sara tense up in her arms.
“I—”
“I don’t want to marry you.” She says softly, trying to stop Sara from freaking out but it only makes matters worse.
“You don’t?”
She can hear the confusion, the heartbreak in Sara's voice and it’s not what she meant. That wasn’t how she meant it. Her heart drops into her stomach as she pulls Sara’s hands into her own.
“Baby, no that wasn’t how I meant it.” She says and she sees the tears glazing over Sara’s eyes.
She’s so grateful to be able to see Sara’s beautiful blue eyes again, but at what cost if she just makes her cry?
“I meant that I don’t need papers, documents, dresses—all the bullshit of a wedding to know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You’re it for me, Sara. I want you, and only you, for however long I live.” Ava says, leaning in and kissing her lips softly. She pulls back and continues on talking, gently squeezing Sara’s hands in the process. “I watched you die, and I keep reliving that horrible nightmare over and over again. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without knowing if you’ll be by my side, but I don’t need a wedding to prove that. I just need you.”
“You won’t.” Sara says, firmly, pulling her hands from Ava’s. Ava watches, confused, as Sara wipes away her tears with the back of her hands and stares at her hands for a moment, concentrating.
Ava isn’t sure what she’s doing exactly, but then she’s pulling a ring off of her finger and grabbing for Ava’s hand again. She feels Sara slide the ring onto her left hand and squeeze it before staring back up at her and holding out her left hand for Ava.
It takes a mere second for it to click in Ava’s mind as she pulls a ring off her own hand, sliding it onto Sara’s ring finger as teardrops fall between them.
“There.” She declares as she goes to cup Sara’s cheeks but Sara’s hand on her chest stops her.
“Not yet.” Sara’s voice is quiet but light. “Ava Sharpe, I love you. You are the love of my life, my forever.”
Ava takes the quiet lull as her turn, playing with Sara's fingers in her hands. “Sara Lance, I love you. you are the love of my life and my forever.“
“There, we’re married. Now you can kiss the bride.” Sara jokes. Ava doesn’t hesitate but pulls her in for a soft, slow kiss.
“You’re everything to me. I'm sorry you had to watch me die. I want nothing more than to take away that pain, that nightmare.” Sara says after they break from their kiss. Her forehead resting against the smaller blonde’s head and she tucks a lock of Sara’s hair behind her ear.
“I wouldn’t want that pain for you—”
“We’re married now, doesn’t that mean we share everything? What’s yours is mine and whatnot?” Sara interrupts her.
Ava laughs. Only Sara would make a joke about sharing each other’s traumas.
“Yeah, I guess so, then.” She relinquishes. “I love you.” She adds quietly, content in Sara’s arms as they readjust in their bed.
She feels Sara sink down into the bed and wrap her arms around Ava, holding her close. It’s feelings like these that ground her. The way that, even though Sara was smaller than her, she manages to tuck Ava into her embrace and hold her. The way she feels Sara's chest rising and falling as she breathes and cradles Ava close to her. The feeling of Sara pressing a kiss to the crown of her head as Ava tucks her face into the crook of Sara’s neck. The feeling of their legs tangled beneath the sheets and she’s not sure where hers end and Sara’s begin.
“I love you too, Mrs. Lance.”
She smiles at the words. She feels grounded, again, because she knows she’s Sara's forever and Sara is hers for good.