Chapter Text
Kei woke up on the last day of training camp to see Tetsurou’s smiling face, a loving look in those hazel eyes. At some point during the night their legs had gotten tangled up, Kuroo’s arms and one of his wings was still wrapped around him. As soon as he noticed Kei was awake, the older male placed a soft kiss on his cheek, before nuzzling it with his nose.
It managed to bring a smile to Kei’s lips, before he buried his face in Kuroo’s chest and clung to him. It was going to be their last day together like this, their last morning waking up to each other, and he wanted to cherish every moment. He already had begun to, the warmth that they shared together making him feel all fuzzy on the inside. It was special, Kei knew that, and he was glad that they could have that time together like this.
For a moment, a part of him imagined living together with Tetsurou and waking up like this every morning, and his heart skipped a beat from joy.
“Good morning, Moonshine,” Tetsurou whispered, so full of love that it made Tsukishima question what he’d done to deserve the other male, but only for a moment, because Kuroo had began whispering more things in his ear, innocent nothings that meant everything. His voice, deep, mellow and smooth like honey, and his words, so genuine and clearly full of love; Tadashi was extremely good at getting rid of the voices, but Tetsurou was just as good.
Technically, they weren’t dating yet, as Kei was scared about anything long distance with his already struggling mental health. They were practically already a couple, though the lack of a label was comforting to him. If it became official, then he worried that the extra pressure that he’d put on himself, to not just being a good friend, but a good boyfriend, would make things a lot harder for himself. They loved each other, and that was all Kei needed for the moment.
Tetsurou understood that, and even though it became difficult to rein in his affections a little at times (because sometimes the blond was just too cute and he really wanted to kiss him), he knew that when Kei was ready for that sort of relationship he would say.
Tsukishima nuzzled him back in return, just accepting all of the affection. Eventually though, he looked up and pressed his finger to Kuroo’s lips, getting him to be quiet before he leaned and kissed his cheek. “Thank you, Tetsu. I love you, good morning. Wait, no, that was all out of order, fuck, I meant to say good morning first-“
A soft chuckle escaped the dark haired teen, and he grinned at Kei. “I know, I get it, no need to worry. I love you too,” he said, kissing the blond’s forehead this time and guiding Kei’s head to rest on his chest. “I’m afraid you’re never going to escape my cuddles this morning, so just relax and enjoy it as best you can.”
“I- okay,” he replied, relaxing into the embrace and closing his eyes. He wanted to enjoy it wholeheartedly, he really did, but the fact remained that he would be leaving that afternoon. It lingered in the back of his mind, planting seeds of worry inside his heart. ‘He’ll be happy when you leave, he’ll move on and find someone else that he loves more’. Every time he thought about leaving, those sorts of thoughts emerged, echoing around in his mind and causing his heart to ache. He didn’t want to be a downer on their last day, he wanted their memories to be happy, yet to stay constantly happy was simply impossible. He’d probably go on another jog later, but right now he didn’t want to move nor did he want to worry Tetsurou. “Can you tell me a story, Tetsu? I don’t really mind what about, maybe one about volleyball with Bokuto and Akaashi or something,” he said, hoping that it would suffice for now without ruining the mood.
If he hadn’t had his head on Kuroo’s chest, he would have seen a look of realisation flash through his eyes. He realised what was going on, of course, they were too close and he payed too much attention for him not to notice, but the third year didn’t know whether to mention anything about it. On one hand, he didn’t want to make things worse if talking about it upset Tsukishima, but on the other hand he wanted to let the blond know he cared and that his hardships didn’t go unnoticed. He instead settled for taking his hand, lacing their fingers and giving it a gentle squeeze, hoping the message got through well enough. “Of course, I know just the perfect thing! Okay, so two months ago, Bo, Akaashi and I were all going out because there was a sale at the volleyball store, and we were just about to go in when we heard these noises from the alleyway...”
Kuroo continued to talk about what happened, Kei occasionally humming to show he was listening or commenting on it. It wasn’t really that important of a story, just a lighthearted one that Tsukishima could probably use to tease Bokuto about later if he felt like it or needed a comeback. Still, for the blond, these moments were the ones that he would remember when he was having a shitty day, or when the voices caused him to question everything he thought he knew, but also when he was having a better day and thinking back fondly on the memories with Tetsurou.
“...and that’s the story about how we temporarily adopted three baby crows, two owls and two cats. Of course, the crows and owls had to be released to the wild when they were back to full health, but Lev adopted one of them and Yaku the other, so I still get to see them sometimes.”
Kei nodded, gently squeezing Kuroo’s hand and nuzzling him gently. The third year was once again wearing the oversized fluffy black sweater, and it made the blond a little happy to know he’d have something that smelled like Tetsurou when he went back home. “You two are such dorks sometimes,” he muttered, yawning and mumbling something else almost incomprehensible through the muffling against the fabric, that sounded suspiciously like ‘but you’re cute’.
Once again, Tetsurou laughed, kissing his head and letting go of his hand so that he could run his hand through the other’s blond locks. “I’m your dorky, cute Tetsu, and you’re my smart, wonderful, adorable Moonshine. I think that’s fair enough, hm?”
The blush that Kei tried to hide was answer enough for the both of them.
x-X-x
After another half an hour of cuddling, it was well and truly time for them to get up since everyone had to pack and load the bus before breakfast time, so they could just play volleyball for the rest of the day before it was time to leave. The reality of it all had began to set it, that this really was the last day, and the ache that he’d been able to suppress by focusing on Kuroo had come back. He was silent as they packed, trying to keep on taking deep breaths and stay calm. A run sounded really good, but at the same time he didn’t particularly feel like moving around at all. He just wanted to curl up somewhere and drown out everything, which wasn’t exactly an option, because his mind was his own worst enemy, so sitting around doing nothing wasn’t the most beneficial thing either.
On a day when all he wanted was to feel happy and enjoy time with his friends, all the things that usually worked to improve his mood or comfort him just seemed wrong. It was as if all that he was left with was the option to do nothing. He hated the days when he was like this the most, because the whole time he felt so hollow and empty.
If he’d been able to cry, that would have been more than welcome, but no tears could fall even despite the intensity with which he willed them to. At home, he would still have Tadashi, Hinata, Akiteru and Suguwara, he wouldn’t be completely alone. Yet, the prospect of not having Tetsurou, Koutarou and Akaashi there as well was so horrible, even when he’d been able to make it through last time without them. He would even miss Kenma and Lev, and the times they spent together as a group. This was their last day together, and he felt like this, which only caused more pain as he felt guilty that he would ruin their moods. He would make everyone worry about him, he would impose on them playing volleyball and actually spending the training camp like they were meant to.
Kei bit his lip, not caring about the pain from where he’d caused it to bleed last time, and with shaking hands he continued to fold up his clothes and pack them neatly inside his bag. When had he started shaking?
The way his breathing changed, the way his heart beat too strongly and too fast in his chest, his hands becoming clammy; he hadn’t registered any of it until it became too much for him to bear on his own, his mind too overcome by thoughts and feelings.
Hinata and Kenma, the only other people in the room at the moment had been facing the other way and in deep conversation about something that he couldn’t quite hear through his own thoughts. Kuroo was having a shower, Tadashi had gone to see Yachi, and Bokuto was off somewhere with Akaashi, probably spiking up his hair. Everyone was busy, they were happier without him burdening them and ruining their day.
He didn’t even attempt to finish packing, and curled up under the blankets of Kuroo’s futon, which was not yet packed up. Even if he wasn’t there, at least he had Tetsurou. Tetsurou hadn’t left him for something else, just to shower, so it was all going to be okay. ‘But you’re leaving him, Kei, not the other way round. You’re only going to be hurting him’.
Was that right? Of course it was, he would be ruining their day in the end anyways, just by leaving and going home. He was the one that was always going to ruin it all, it was just the way that things had always been.
Tsukishima took a deep breath, wiping the blood off his lips and sitting up. What was sitting there doing nothing going to achieve? Nothing, obviously. He was still shaking, yet he got back to work, silently finishing his packing and packing up some of Tetsurou’s things as well by folding up the futon and some of the clothes. He was okay, he just had to hold it together for a little longer, so that he didn’t ruin anything else like he’d already done the entirety of the training camp.
“Kei, Kei? Moonshine? Is everything okay, Kei?”
He blinked and yelped, whimpering softly and backing off a bit before realising who it was. It was just Tetsurou, and yet Kei had been afraid. His heart sunk, and then it clenched painfully seeing the confused and concerned look on the older male’s face. The blond, still shaking, leapt into his arms and clung to him tightly. “I’m sorry, I’m ruining everything again,” he whispered, his breaths shallow and frantic.
“No, no, you’re not ruining anything, Moonshine. I’m here now, and it’s going to be okay. I’ll look after you, I promise, but you gotta tell me what’s wrong. Why do you say you’re ruining everything, did someone tell you that or was it something else?” Tetsurou held him gently, his wings wrapped around him in a protective embrace as he stroked his hair again. “You can trust me, love, nothing you say will ever be stupid.” The other question was left unsaid. ‘I want to know what it was that caused you to be scared of me. Please tell me?’ Tsukishima nodded a little, but glanced to the direction of where Hinata and Kenma had been. “They got me and brought me here, but it’s just us in here now.”
He let out a shaky sigh and loosened his grasp on Kuroo, looking up at him with guilt and sadness. “I’m leaving training camp today to go back home, meaning I won’t be able to see you, Koutarou, Akaashi, Kenma and Lev anymore. It’s meant to be a happy day to spend time together and make the most of what we do have, and instead of enjoying today I’m ruining it for everyone. All I’ve done is be a pain and ruin this camp for everyone, all I’ve done is cause trouble and stop you all from getting involved because I can’t take care of myself. I’ve been doing it this whole time, someone has always had to be there to make sure I don’t go and do something stupid, because I’m weak and can’t deal with the fucking voices in my own head.
I’m even doing it right now, and this is exactly what I didn’t want to do, because even if I can’t enjoy today I want you guys to, but you won’t be able to because you’ll be worried, but I can’t force myself to be happy — I can’t do it, Tetsu — and today’s just one of those days where nothing seems good, apart from being with you, but even then, even then I’m still fucking things up because I can’t steal your time because volleyball is important and you’ve put me first this whole time and I need you to be there for your team, but I’m selfish and weak and I want you to be there with me and—“
Kei was interrupted by his own need to gasp for air, taking deeper breaths this time, yet still just as frantically and unevenly. ‘You’re just making it harder for him now’ the voices told him, screaming at him to stop being so selfish and so weak and drowning out any other noises. The world around him fading out of focus, the voices taking control of his mind, and separating him from Tetsurou.
Everything that he didn’t need nor want to see flashed before his eyes, memories from long ago and recently, all tainted grey and stained with red. It was so cold, so lonely and painful, isolated and terrifying. In this world, he had wings, yet he had to suffer them being ripped out and replaced with more and more chains of burdens, cruel words and self hatred.
Through the darkness and the haze he fell, before with a jolt he shot up and the next thing he knew was that there was a splitting pain in his head. He was shaking and gasping for air, hot tears falling, and through blurred vision he could see Tetsurou’s frame infront of him, holding his head. What had he done? He scrambled and backed away once again, only to bump into Bokuto as well. Looking around, he saw Yamaguchi and Sugawara were there, and he was trapped. Normally he would have preferred to have these people with him, but after that, their presence scared him. He moved away from the ace and curled into a ball, balling his injured hand tightly, causing him to whimper.
What happened next was a blur, fading in and out of a disoriented state where he didn’t quite register what was going on around him. He was overwhelmed with emotions, it was just like what had happened the other morning, but it was so much worse.
x-X-x
The next time Kei came to a state where he was aware, it was only Yamaguchi and Kuroo in the room, the freckled boy holding him close while Kuroo just sat by. The third year was a mess, having been even more worried after what happened. He didn’t want Kei to leave, not if something like this was going to happen again. Tetsurou didn’t know what to do, whether it was best to let Kei stay longer, or to let him go home. He was going to have to leave eventually, so would having him stay make it even harder.
He’d cried three times already at seeing Tsukishima in such a state, scared of him and of Bokuto, in a place where he hadn’t been able to do anything to help him. Tetsurou felt useless, since as much as he wanted to help, Yamaguchi was the one with the experience. He had helped Kei through these before and was the person that would be helping him again, so it was better to let him handle it.
Kuroo was too afraid to even go over to him from where he was leaning against the wall, for fear that he would do something to make things worse. Twice, Tsukishima had been scared of him, so perhaps he’d done something to trigger something somehow? As much as Yamaguchi and Bokuto had assured him that he was probably just overwhelmed and was more surprised than afraid (he had banged heads with Kuroo when he sat up so suddenly), Kuroo didn’t know if he was willing to take the chances.
Kei was curled up to Yamaguchi, crying, and hadn’t even noticed he was there yet. The blond was clearly shaken up and not quite right, but was breathing better than before and wasn’t shaking so much. Tetsurou could vaguely hear him speaking to Tadashi about something, and seeming to relax at whatever the response was. Perhaps Kei would be better off without him making things worse at the moment, and Kuroo could come back later when he wasn’t upset.
More tears slipping from his eyes, he stood up, starting to walk towards the exit of the room. What use was he being when he was crying and a mess, anyways? As much as he tried to help, Tetsurou knew he was never able to always truly be there, and that killed him. He wanted to be there for Kei and never leave his side, yet he was never able to stay. Not when they were kids, and Tsukishima would suffer because of what his father said to him and how he was treated back in the other apartment, not when he was suffering that night, not during the ten years they were apart, and not even on the roof. He hadn’t even be there to stop this from occurring, and he’d probably made whatever Kei was feeling worse.
Kei was suffering, Tetsurou knew that, and it hurt so much that his beloved Moonshine whom he cared for so deeply was feeling that way. Of course that was going to be hard to see, it was going to be hard to support him when it hurt, but helping Kei was of most importance. Yet, here he was being selfish and useless, once again unable to truly help because Tetsurou too was hurting, and he was terrified. He was terrified of losing Kei, but more so of being unable to help him and that being the reason that he lost Kei.
He hadn’t even made it near the doorway when he heard a choked sob, and then another. It wasn’t until when he felt the tears begin to flood out that he realised they were his own sobs, and like the coward he was, he ran.
“Tetsu? TETSU, PLEASE, COME BACK!”
Tetsurou was scared, and he was hurting, and he didn’t know what to do. He was so afraid of making things worse that even though he heard Kei yell, he kept on running, up the stairs and to the roof, not stopping even as he unfolded his wings, jumping off and into the air.
Kei was wingless, and even as he followed him to the roof he knew there was no chasing him. He fell to a heap on the floor, crying, as he watched the man he loved run away from him and leave him behind.
It only solidified the thoughts in his mind from earlier that day about making things worse and hurting people, hurting Tetsurou. He thought he had Tetsurou, but obviously he’d ruined that too.