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Richie was 12 and used to getting beeped, after all, they always had a good reason to beep him. He would tell very crude jokes and get beeped, he would do voices and get beeped. When he would tell an Eddie's mom joke he gets beeped, but never by Eddie. Eddie had only beeped him a few times when he actually wanted Richie to shut up, but the other losers always beeped him.
They’re 17 now and Richie's still making crude jokes and getting beeped daily, but he hates it. He’s tired of making the same jokes and how disgusting the jokes are, like how many times can you make a ‘I fucked your mom’ joke? He only makes the same types of jokes to stay in the friend group. He’s the comedic relief right?
Richie got out of bed on a Thursday morning, already feeling miserable having to put on a happy mask for school. He gets ready, putting on a hoodie to hide his arms, pulling sweats over his legs to hide his legs. To hide the scars. He goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He ends up staring at the mirror, at the person in the mirror. It’s not him, it's his mask. He doesn’t even know who he is anymore having had this mask on for most of his life. Eventually, he goes down stairs to go to school. He grabs his bag and says goodbye to his parents.
He drives his car to school just like always but he just feels off today. He wonders how long he will have to make jokes and be happy for the losers. Once he gets to school he parks and goes into the school. He sees the losers around Ben's locker talking and laughing. He puts on a fake smile and walks over to them.
“Hey guys!” Richie says faking a happy tone. Different replies of “Hey Rich” go around before they go back to the conversation they were having. Richie doesn’t pay attention to what they’re talking about but he still engages when they look at him for his reply. He spits a few mom jokes before they have to go to class. While he's walking to his first class he lets his smile drop and just focuses on getting to class.
He only has a few classes with some of the other losers. In those classes he puts his mask back up and jokes around like always. He’s only halfway through the day when he’s already drained from having to pretend.
At lunch the loser sit outside and talk. Again Richie's not paying attention but he pipes in a few times to make jokes. After a few jokes and getting beeped a lot he just stops telling his jokes thinking he's already told enough for the time being. He pulls his knees up to his chest and stares at the trees. Mind foggy, mostly empty. He doesn’t know how long he zones out on the trees but someone is calling his name.
“Richie!” It’s Eddie calling his name. “Hey, Rich you ok?” He looks concerned for him.
“I'm fine, whatcha need?” He puts on a fake smile. Smiles through the fog. “Bill just said something about sleeping over tomorrow, you in?” Richie contemplates this because he doesn’t think he can put up his charade long enough for a sleepover. “Uh no sorry, got a busy day tomorrow fucking your mom, and I can’t reschedule that again,” Everyone beeps at him. “Beep beep Richie that's disgusting” he hears Stan say. “Shut up Richie, but you sure you can’t make it?” Eddie asks, still concerned from him zoning out before. Richie nods and they leave it at that.
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He kind of avoids the losers for the rest of the day because he’s too drained to be ‘normal Richie’. Once the day ends he drives home and heads straight for his bedroom. He lays on his bed staring at the ceiling until he gets called down for dinner. He hasn’t eaten all day but he still doesn’t eat that much for dinner. Just enough for his parents not to worry about him.
He goes back upstairs and grabs a razor he has hidden in his room. He stares at it for a while before using it on his arm. He cuts a few lines on his left arm before doing the same on his right. He doesn’t really feel the pain, he's gotten used to it. He continues before he hears a knock at his window, he already knows who it is so he quickly pulls his sleeves back down to cover his new cuts.
“Hey Ed’s you need something?” He asks Eddie as he opens his window. “Just wanted to check in on you, Rich are you ok?” He asks worried. Richie doesn’t know how long Eddie was at his window, how much he saw of Richie cutting his arms. “I'm all good spaghetti, just a little tired” Eddie doesn’t seem to buy it this time but he doesn’t push it. “Alright, I also wanted to ask about the sleepover again, you haven’t been to one in a while, so can you please come to this one?” Eddie asks with puppy eyes.
Richie's never refused Eddie, because he's so in love with him and can never say no to the puppy eyes, but he has to say no this time because he really can’t put on a mask anymore. “I can’t Ed’s, sorry” Eddie looks sad and Richie can’t stand to know that he made him sad. “I’ve got stuff to do tomorrow”. Eddie just sighs and nods “Alright” Eddie leaves right after he said that, and Richie’s left alone with his thoughts.
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Richie wakes up on Friday morning getting ready for school. He puts on his hoodie, puts on his sweats, and goes to brush his teeth. He grabs his bag and drives to school. When he gets to school Eddie’s waiting for him at the front of the school. Richie walks up to him with his convincing smile. Eddie talks to him as they start walking to the other losers.
“My mom’s trying to keep me from going to sleepover today so I'm going straight from school to Bill so I won’t have to hear her bitch and moan about why I should stay home” They reach the losers by now. “I’ll give her something else to moan about” He winks at Eddie.
“Beep beep Richie, no one wants to hear about how you fuck Eddie's mom” Stan says
“Beep beep Rich, that's so gross” Bev says.
“B-beep beep Richie,” Bill says.
“Beep beep, you should really find something else to joke about” Mike says
“Beep beep Richie, we were in the middle of a conversation before you came and ruined it,” Ben says.
He smiles through the pain of being beeped by all the losers, “But you guys know how much I lov-” he gets cut off. “Beep beep” from all the losers, except Eddie because he never beeps him, not even when it's about his mom. And they continue their conversation from before, beeping Richie every time he opens his mouth.
The bell eventually rings and they go to class. Richie lets his smile drop and pushes tears back as he walks to class. He doesn’t cry, but he gets really close to crying in multiple classes. He heads outside for lunch sitting next to Eddie. He doesn’t have food so he just sits and makes jokes, tries to at least, he's not really paying attention to what everyone’s saying.
It’s the end of the day and all the losers are walking out of school for the week talking about the sleepover. Richie's just there listening briefly to what they’re doing at the sleepover.
“That's what she said” he replies to what someone said.
“Beep b-beep Rich I'm trying to exp-p-plain something,” Turns out it was Bill talking about the sleepover.
“Do you have to make jokes at everything?” Bev says.
Richie doesn’t let the pain of that show so he smiles “Of course darling, who else would make the jokes around here?” he puts on a voice.
“Beep beep R-rich, I just want to exp-plain this without you c-c-cutting me off”
Richie just nods and shuts up walking to his car. “See yo-” He gets cut off by everyone. “BEEP BEEP RICHIE, just shut up!”. Richie just gets in his car, slams the door, and speeds away.
He’s crying and speeding home but he doesn’t care he needs to be alone right now. He gets home and runs up the stairs. He grabs his razor and runs into the bathroom locking the door behind him. He sits in the bathtub and rolls his sleeves up and starts making small cuts while he cries.
Richie starts to think of everything the losers said to him today. How much they really didn’t want him to be around. “Do it” he hears a voice say. He stops cutting and stares at his arm. “Do it, you know they don’t want you” He puts the tip of the blade at his wrist “They don’t want your shitty jokes” He starts to push it in deep “They don’t want you annoying them all day” He drags the blade across his arm cutting very deep “They don’t want a piece of trash like you” He drags the blade all the way to his elbow. He does the same to his other arm, cutting just as deep, and just as long.
He starts to zone out due to blood loss when he hears someone unlock the door and barge in. It’s Eddie. “RICHIE” he sounds scared as he rushes to his side, but Richie can’t focus on him much right now. “I love you Ed’s” he smiles as he passes out.
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Richie doesn’t know where he is but there's a blinding light above him so he doesn’t open his eyes, and someone holding his hand. He squeezes the hand in hopes to signal the person he's awake. He hears the person gasp, “Richie”. It's Eddie, and he sounds broken.
“Why did you do it?” He can hear him crying.
“Who the fuck would want a piece of trash like me, definitely not you guys” Richie can only whisper his throat being sore from his crying.
Eddie doesn’t reply so Richie finally opens his eyes and looks at him. His face and eyes red from crying, tear streaks running down his face. “Im sorry” Richie starts to sob. He looks down at his and Eddie's hand and then to the bandages on his arm. Eddie just stands up and hugs him. They’re both crying, both broken by his actions.
“I love you too Richie, I always have” Richie just hugs him tighter and cries harder. “You were so funny, so beautiful, you always knew how to make me laugh, you would care for me when I was sad, you make even the scariest situations fun just by distracting me,” Eddie pulls back and looks him in the eyes. “I love you so much Rich,” Richie stares at him smiling genuinely for the first time in years.
He leans his forehead against Eddies, still smiling. “Can I kiss you?” Eddie asks. Richie nods and closes his eyes. Eddie places his lips on Richie and they kiss. It’s better than he ever could have imagined, it’s sweet, slow, and sets off a spark in him filling him with something he doesn't recognize. It's happiness, something he hasn't felt in a while.
They kiss for a while and then there's a knock at the door. Eddie breaks the kiss smiling, to go open the door. The losers walk in one by one all looking guilty.