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Even when I heard the steps coming towards me, the almost murderer , I didn’t try to stop the tears still streaming down my face. Instead, head in my hands, I focused on my breathing when Kara called out, “Nia?” I couldn’t help but let out another whimper. As much as I desperately craved any kind of comfort, I know I don’t deserve it. How could I?
The second she realized I was crying, she stepped closer, “hey, hey,” she cooed, “it’s okay.” She did not hesitate to pull me into a hug, I immediately curled into the touch, even though I have no right to. How could she even want to comfort me, she knows what I almost did, what I would have done if she hadn’t stopped me.
Before I could even think to stop myself, I have a bad habit of that, I whimpered out, “Kara, I almost murdered someone tonight,” the word ‘tonight’ barely came out in an audible cry. Instead of scolding me and calling me a killer, like I deserve , she placed her chin on my head, holding me closer.
Letting out another pathetic sob, voice quivering, “and I still kind of want to…” God, I’m a monster, an absolute monster. How can I call myself a hero when I almost killed a man in cold blood? A regular non enhanced human? Maeve was right, she should have been Dreamer, not me.
She whispered out, “I know,” so quiet even I could barely hear it.
If I was not a bad guy before, I definitely am now. As absolutely horrible as it is, I still want to kill that man. I want him to pay for every person in my community he's hurt. I want him to be an example that Dreamer will not stand for anyone going against her community.
But that’s not what heroes do. Though, can I even call myself a hero? If it weren’t for Kara I would have ended a man's life. Would I have even regretted it? The fact I can’t answer that question only made more tears fall.
As much as it pained me to, I pulled away from her, once again leaning on the rail. Shaking my head, I cried, “I don’t wanna be a killer but…” I tried to force any air into my tight chest, but it only came in and out in short ineffective gasps, “Kara, I’m not okay,” I shook my head again.
After looking her in the eye, I could only stand it for a second before looking to the sky, “I am so overwhelmed,” shaking my head I dropped my gaze back down to my hands. The hands that would have been dripping red. “And this guy just triggered everything.”
Though she did not speak, I knew she was listening when she let out a heavy breath. How can she stand to be here with me?
I breathed out, “I had a dream flash,” I paused once again trying to force air in, “right before Yvette was attacked and I couldn’t interpret it.” Once again I looked to my friend, before turning back as another sob took over me, “I couldn’t save Yvette, just like I couldn’t save my mom.” Sob after sob took over me, but I couldn’t stop talking, or rather confessing, either, “I couldn’t stop that guy and my powers are mixed up,” Kara once again wrapped her arms around me when I spat out the last part, “and unpredictable! And I…”
I gasped in a breath, breath lowering in volume from my almost shout before, “and the one person who supported me from day one, who was always by my side,” I breathed out the word ‘always’ like it was my last breath, “who saw me for who I am and…” I tried to bite down my next sob, I gasped in a breath instead, “looked at me like I was beautiful.” I looked Kara in the eye once again, “it just broke my heart.” I barely held myself together for the word ‘heart’ before I was falling back apart, “and I don’t even know why.”
Maybe Brainy saw this coming, he's a genius after all. I wouldn’t be surprised if he predicted me becoming the villain I am. Maybe that’s why he left, he knew I would kill, or rather, almost kill a man, and he could not bare date someone like me. He could not bare to date a murderer. I deserve my heart broken if I drove him away. How could I not?
Holding me, Kara whispered, “I wish I had answers for you.” But there are no answers, not for me, never for me. “I’m so sorry,” she rubbed my back and arm, trying to give me any sort of comfort.
I pulled away once again, bringing my hand up to my sniffling nose and she let me go. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I whimpered some deeper breaths. Once my breaths were deep enough, I continued talking, “when that bastard attacked my community,” my new found composure began to slip once again, “the one thing it felt like I had left… I snapped,” I didn’t wait for her to respond before continuing, “At least this was something I could control. I could find this guy and stop him.” I looked at her once again, “Permanently!”
When she nodded, I kept talking, “I could do something to protect,” shaking my head I exclaimed, “someone!”
When I tried to get my breathing back under control, Kara, far more calmer than me admitted, “I felt that kind of pressure before, that anger…” she took a deep breath, “but I wasn’t looking at things through your eyes and your experiences. And I’m so sorry.” As much as I love Kara she could never fully understand, but at least she’s not pretending to.
Kara kept going as I stood there and cried before her, “and I know, I know, sometimes being the good guy sucks.” That is something she does fully understand and relate to. I whimpered out a cry as she talked, “especially when you know how easy it would be to just get rid of someone so vile and full of hate,” she finally looked back at me while I looked down, “but hey,” once I looked up she finished her sentence, “not doing that… that is what makes us different from them. That’s what lets us keep protecting people, and your community needs you.” She sounded so confident, so sure, “they need Dreamer.” She took a breath before going on, “and I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how much pain you were in.”
No one did.
This time I pulled her into a hug before my next sob overtook me, “oh,” she breathed out, as loud sobs escaped me. And she held me, through each and every one. She may not have always been here for me before, but she’s here now.
Even after everything, even when she can’t completely understand me, she’s here for me.