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The infirmary was quiet, it always was but not like this. Not this waiting, expectant hush that pressed in around Loke as he moved forward to reclaim his chair next to Gray’s bed. It was a silence that whispered of time slipping away, like sand trickling through the hourglass, of an ending lurking just around the corner. Loke shivered, and then pushed through it as he reached out to take the Ice Mage’s hand, trying not to focus on the quiet, or how fragile Gray’s hand felt trapped beneath both of his as his fingers brushed over wrinkled skin. Instead, he tried to focus on the warmth in that hand, the way the fingers twitched and curled against his hands, Gray rousing a little at the contact.
“…Loke?” Gray’s voice barely disturbed the quiet it was so soft, barely a whisper, like the softest breeze unable to disturb fresh snowfall. For Loke, it was music to his ears, another sign that Gray was still with him, and he leaned forward, making sure that he was in the range of Gray’s failing eyesight as his partner blinked and rolled his head towards him.
“I’m here,” he murmured, lifting the captured hand to his lips and pressing a kiss to the back. “Wendy chased me out to take a break.” He’d fought her every step of the way, but Wendy had learned more than healing and magic from Porlyusica, and she had banished him from her domain with a glare that had had the Celestial Lion backtracking quickly. He wasn’t even meant to be back yet, but he refused to spend any longer away from Gray’s side than necessary, especially now, with time slipping away from them.
“Good,” Gray breathed, eyes slipping shut and even though he could see Gray’s chest rising and falling, Loke couldn’t stop himself from jolting forward in alarm.
“Gray?!”
Gray startled, and Loke winced realising that he had been too loud, especially in the quiet, and he was about to apologise when the Ice Mage beat him to it. “I’m sorry…” Loke blinked at him, once, twice and then a third time, unable to think what his partner was apologising for, and unable to find an answer he squeezed the hand that he was cradling.
“Why are you, apologise?”
“For bringing it all to an end,” Gray replied, looking at him, eyes too bright, too knowing. More alive than they had been for a long time, more knowing, and for a moment, Loke couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, unable to see past the starlight in those dark eyes. The promise of what was to come, sand trickling away a little faster, and his heart twisted painfully in his chest.
“We…” He started and then faltered, the words catching on the lump that had risen in his throat. Not yet, he thought desperately. This couldn’t be happening now, but he knew, even without the knowing look in Gray’s eyes and the way Wendy hadn’t been able to meet his gaze, that no matter how he wanted to deny it, to protest the cruelty of fate and time, there was no holding this back. They’d both known that it was going to come to this eventually, that this moment, this slow descent was inevitable. It had been impossible to miss or to ignore as he had watched age lay it’s fingers onto Gray, stealing the vitality from his skin, bleaching his hair, whittling away at his life, the slow, steady march of old age. While Loke himself had remained unchanged by the years unless you looked into his eyes, the curse and blessing of a Celestial Spirit. The imbalance that they had always been aware of, that had shadowed every moment of their life together. Yet, neither of them had ever considered walking away, and even now, with the promise of loss and grief laying heavy between them Loke couldn’t regret that decision. “W-We knew it would happen someday, just…”
“Not yet,” Gray finished for him, soft and understanding, and Loke could see his own thoughts and feelings reflected in Gray’s expression, the same lack of regret shining through in the smile that tugged at his lips, bringing life to his haggard features.
They’d had a lifetime together, so many wonderful years. It hadn’t always been easy, they’d been to hell and back so many times, both together and apart. Survived more than anyone had the right to survive, and they had been stronger for it. Loke treasured those moments, as much as he cherished the softer, private moments from fleeting kisses to the lingering, tender ones, whispered promises against a sea of stars the day that Gray had told the Celestial Spirit King that he understood where their path would lead. Beautiful memories, as imprinted on him, as the heated touches, the hugs, the nights spent curled around one another when Loke had manifested himself and crossed the stars to be with the man who held his heart.
A lifetime and Loke would give anything for another lifetime.
Another year…
A month…
Even a week…
He wasn’t ready for this. They might have known that it was inevitable, that it was the only ending to their tale, but there was a difference between knowing what was coming and accepting it. And as he looked into Gray’s eyes, and caught the shimmer of tears in the corner, he realised that he hadn’t accepted it. That he couldn’t and wouldn’t until he had no choice. That time was against him, was something he refused to think about. Just as he refused to think about Wendy, her eyes filled with tears of her own, telling him that they didn’t have long when he’d rushed Gray into her care the day before when he’d found his partner collapsed at home. I’m not ready to say goodbye, he thought, grip tightening on Gray’s hand. I will never be ready.
“Loke,” Gray’s voice was quieter if that was possible, and Loke’s heart twisted further even as he leaned in to make sure that he didn’t miss a single word. Fear made his stomach churned, as he heard Gray’s breathing hitch and catch for a moment, helplessness settling like a lead weight in his chest, because he couldn’t fight this. His magic was useless, powerless when he needed it most, and he hated it. Hated that all he could do was hold Gray’s hand, lean in close and wait for him to slip away.
“I’m here,” he whispered, choking on the reassurance. “I’m not going anywhere.” He didn’t care what Wendy said, he wasn’t leaving again, not with time running out. Gray was still smiling, softer now, but his gaze was drifting to the ceiling above, and there was grief in his eyes now. As though it was too painful to look at Loke as he seemed to struggle to gather his words again.
“I’ll still be here,” he whispered finally, each word fainter than the last, each a strike against Loke’s aching heart and there were tears on both their cheeks when Gray tilted his head to look at him again. “Here…” The pressure against Loke’s hands was as faint as a butterfly brushing against stone, but he didn’t fight it, doing most of the moving and letting Gray guide their linked hands to rest over his own heart, swallowing back a sob. “And…” Gray trailed off, losing the thread of what he had been saying, that effort exhausting him, eyes flickering and threatening to close and Loke swallowed again, drawing on the courage of Leo.
“In the stars,” he whispered. When my time comes, I will join you in the stars. Even if you can’t see me, I will be there, Gray had told him the same day they had stood before the Celestial Spirit King, the one and only time they had acknowledged the Ice Mage’s mortality and what it would mean to them.
He sniffled, moving to hold Gray’s hand in one hand, reaching out with the other to brush away the tears trickling down Gray’s cheeks, ignoring the ones slipping down his own. “You will outshine them a-all,” his voice cracked and broke, and he wasn’t sure which of them sobbed first, although Gray’s was a fading, whisper of sound as the dark eyes slipped shut. “I…” Loke let his hand rest against Gray’s cheek for a moment, before letting it fall down to rest against Gray’s chest, feeling the fading heartbeat, the slowing breath. “I will always be able to find you there,” he leant in and pressed a chaste kiss to chilled lips. Distantly noting that all movement had ceased, the quiet sharp and painful against him as he then kissed away the last tears he hadn’t been able to wipe away, and then a final lingering kiss to the pale forehead. “My Star.”
I will see you in the stars…