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Illuso craned his neck up slightly, reading the clock on his nightstand. 2:00, the middle of the night. His throat was raw from crying, his eyes being puffy and red. Illuso curled into himself in an attempt to muffle sobs that ripped out of his throat. 'He didn’t mean any harm. He doesn’t even know anyway.' Illuso tried to convince himself that Pesci didn’t mean what he said. Just a few hours ago is when Pesci said it, but Illuso’s mind wandered, making him feel like Pesci had a malicious intent with his words.
A few hours ago…...
The squad was happily laughing around the dining room’s table. However, Pesci could not stop staring at Illuso. The brunette was starting to get uncomfortable from it, but it was late, so he’d be able to leave soon. Everyone left the table a few minutes later, allowing Illuso to leave to his room. Pesci tapped his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks, he turned around. “Yeah Pesci?” Illuso almost timidly replied.
Pesci looked a little hesitant at first, before opening his mouth, letting the words fall almost rudely. “You look like a girl”. Illuso froze, the sentence sinking in almost immediately. He spun around, stomping up the stairs to his room. Pesci didn’t know what had made him stomp up the stairs, he didn’t know Illuso was born in the wrong body.
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Illuso broke off his own thoughts by sobbing. His sob echoed through his room, he stopped caring if anyone heard for just a moment, immediately regretting it. The shame rose even quicker when he heard someone open their door. Illuso covered his mouth and cried into it, hoping that the person hadn’t heard his wail. But a knock on his bedroom door proved him very wrong. Panic surged through him, but he still found himself getting off of his bed and walking to the door.
Opening the door, he saw that it was just Formaggio. Formaggio looked concerned, and didn’t hide it. “Are you...alright?”. Illuso almost couldn’t hear it, Formaggio was so quiet. Illuso trusted Formaggio, hell, he was dating him, but he felt weak being upset over something Pesci said.
Illuso shook his head, and moved to let the other in. He needed some comfort to alleviate the stress he felt, not only about his body, but about Pesci. Formaggio sat on Illuso’s bed, watching Illuso shut the door. Illuso looked in the mirror, bad choice. His eyes immediately filled with tears, he didn’t see himself, he saw a woman. He wasn’t a woman, but was cursed with the body of one. 'Why would Pesci even say that? I’m not a girl.'
Illuso hadn’t realized that he was talking out loud, and jumped slightly when Formaggio wrapped his arms around Illuso’s waist. He didn’t even need to speak for Formaggio to know that he was upset and feeling dysphoric. Illuso turned around and buried his face into Formaggio’s chest, muffling any sobs or loud sniffles from him. Formaggio rubbed his back in an attempt to comfort him. “Come Illu, we should rest.”. Illuso nodded, following Formaggio to the bed.
They both layed down on the bed, Formaggio covering the both of them. Illuso hugged Formaggio, he didn’t feel any better, but Formaggio’s presence helped a little. Illuso had known he was different since middle school. He would stare at the body he was born in with fear, maybe hatred. Everytime he was addressed as a girl, or by his birth name, he’d feel like he’d cry or get sick. His dysphoria was terrible, it ate at him everyday. Some nights he’d curl into a ball and just stare off into space. Pesci didn’t know, but Illuso couldn’t help but be angry at him. 'I’m. Not. A. Girl. I’m a man. But, Pesci thinks I look like a girl. B-But I’m not a girl. I’m not a girlI’m not a girlI’m not a girlI’m not a girlI’m not a girlI’m not a girlI’m not a girlI’m not-'
“It’s okay, you’re okay” Illuso could faintly hear Formaggio cooing at him sweetly. Illuso choked on a sob,he just wanted to forget everything that happened that day. Illuso sighed, trying to sleep. But before he slept, he heard Formaggio quietly say “You’ll always be a man, at least to me.”. Illuso smiled, feeling Formaggio kiss the top of his head gently, almost as if he’d break if he wasn’t careful. He was really grateful to be with Formaggio.
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Illuso woke up by himself. 'Huh. Maybe Prosciutto’s making breakfast, he does make good pancakes.' Illuso shrugged, grabbing a syringe and his testosterone. He pulled up his shirt, filling the syringe. Pinching some of the skin, injecting himself with the needle. He tossed the needle and the now empty bottle. He pulled his shirt down, and left his room. Sitting next to Formaggio, he ate his food silently. “Pesci. You said Illuso was acting weird last night? What happened?” Illuso heard Melone say.
“Uh-Uhm, well, I told him he looked like a girl, and he just left immediately to his room. I-I don’t know what I did wrong...” Pesci stuttered. Illuso froze, the entire table looking at Pesci, some angry, others surprised. “Illuso’s trans, dummy.” Gelato sneered, flicking Pesci in his forehead.
Pesci was even more confused now. Illuso was born a girl? Pesci gasped before apologizing. “I’m so sorry Illuso! I didn’t k-know..” Illuso shook his head. “It’s alright Pesci, don’t worry about it.” Pesci looked relieved to have the apology accepted.
Illuso was still upset, and excused himself to his bedroom after breakfast. There weren’t any missions for him today, so he could attempt to relax. He was tired from staying up late, so he steadily covered himself with a blanket that drowned his entire body, and fell asleep, thinking of his wonderful boyfriend.
“You’ll always be a man, at least to me.”