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Virgil’s fingers fiddled at his side, skimming gently over the rough fabric of his jeans. Nervousness needed itself into a ball in the pit of his stomach, uncomfortable and heavy. He tried his best to ignore the dull irritation that it brought on. The sensation was nothing new, after all.
He sat across from someone he hadn’t seen in such a long time, an old friend, his very favorite nerd, a past lover… It had been three years since Logan and Virgil had spent time together. It was an impressively long time apart considering how inseparable the pair had been when they went to school together, “the best of friends” as people often said. Friends didn’t feel like a comfortable word to describe them now though, it hadn’t for a while. A friend wasn’t someone you hardly spoke a word to for years, right? And the things that Virgil felt for Logan, all the complicated, messy, distracting things he felt for Logan…well, those weren’t things one felt for a ‘friend.’
“Virgil? Virgil, are you quite alright?” Virgil’s eyes went wide as a breath caught in the back of his throat. He bobbed his head in a nod, clenching his fist under the table.
“Yes – yeah. For sure. I’m fine. Just…zoned out for a second there – sorry, dude.”
The words came quickly, slightly jumbled as Virgil’s eyes darted around the crowded restaurant, all too aware of just how many people were nearby, how many eyes might be on him. He must’ve missed the last minute of whatever Logan had said…come to think of it, what had he been talking about? God, he needed to get a grip! But his heart was beating so fast and it was hard to breathe and…
A knowing look shinned in Logan’s pale blue eyes from behind his glasses; their time apart had done nothing to hinder Logan’s knowledge about his friend and his tell-tale signs of when he was uncomfortable. The sound of Logan’s chair scrapping against the floor as it was pushed out from under the table made Virgil flinch.
“Come on, let’s go.” Virgil blinked slowly, like a frightened animal.
“But…but we haven’t even ordered yet?” Logan sighed, standing up and walking to Virgil to place a hand on his shoulder. A shiver ran down his spine as Logan bent down, his lips to Virgil’s ear.
“I know you’re feeling anxious, we can eat something back at my place if you would like. Why don’t we go on a walk before that? There’s a park nearby.”
Logan spoke in a whisper so soft it felt like he was sharing a secret meant just for Virgil. He bit his lip and nodded, ever-impressed with how well Logan was adapt to his signs.
“Y-yeah. Okay.”
Virgil got up from the chair slowly, greeted with the warmth of Logan’s hand pressed into his as they left the restaurant together. Virgil’s heartbeat quickened at the sudden touch. He didn’t shy away like he thought he might, and although holding Logan’s hand – Good God it had been so long since he’d held Logan’s hand – was nerve-racking and prinked up goosebumps on his skin, the contact was also comforting, grounding. It made Virgil feel safe, and in all honesty, he hadn’t felt very safe today.
Virgil and Logan walked through the bustling city in silence, the sound of passing cars whirring somewhere in the back of his mind, feeling distant. Logan held his hand tightly as they walked, a welcoming feeling coming from the green of the trees Virgil could see up ahead. He didn’t think he’d ever be so relieved to see trees.
As the two approached the park Logan’s pace slowed slightly, a tentative look in his eyes as he turned to Virgil, running his thumb slowly over Virgil’s knuckles, almost caressingly.
“Are you feeling better? Any less overwhelmed?” Virgil nodded.
“Yeah,” he breathed out, “Still a little shook up, but I’m okay. Sorry man, I didn’t mean to fuck up our plans and all that…I just…there were a lot of people, y’know? And – well, it’s been a while since we’ve seen each-other and I guess…”
“It’s alright, Virgil,” Logan interrupted, an interruption Virgil welcomed with open arms, “There’s no need to justify yourself. I understand.”
Wow. It felt good, hearing that. It had been a long time since someone had put Virgil’s worries to rest with such ease.
The two old friends walked through the park hand and hand, a noticeable silence having fallen over them. It was nice, though, Virgil thought to himself, a content feeling. Eventually, the pair wandered over to a bench and sat beside each other. Virgil looked out at the clear blue sky, littered with only a few puffs of clouds slowly drifting across the skyline. It was a nice day, nice enough to momentarily distract from how conflicting Virgil’s emotions had been.
After an extension of quiet Logan cleared his throat, his hand pulling away from Virgil’s.
“Virgil, while I'm very fond of you surprising me like this…” Logan trailed off, noticing the look of apprehension in his friend’s eyes. He’d be careful to tred lightly. “I’m just curious as to why you decided now was the best time for us to spend a moment together and not, say, before this?” Logan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “What I’m trying to ask is: Why now? Why didn’t you want to see me before this?”
Virgil’s mind reeled with Logan’s questions, the anxiety returning at full-force.
He knew this conversation had been coming, sooner or later, but now that he was finally being faced with it, it was a lot to handle.
There had been so many times before this that he’d wanted to visit Logan, or call him. They’d only texted a couple dozen times in the last few years and called even fewer. He had wanted to run to Logan’s arms too many instances to count, to feel the safe, warmth of Logan’s embrace. To feel grounded, and calm like he almost always was in Logan’s presence.
But he wanted more than that. He wanted too much.
Virgil’s mind swam with haunting memories. The feeling of Logan’s hand in his, like it had been moments ago. Logan’s lips pressed against his own, his hands gripping onto Virgil so tightly, as though he was a life-line. He remembered being pressed into the wall of Logan’s room, the sound of Logan’s breathy words, words he didn’t know the meaning of anymore. He’d said things, sweet, edging on romantic things that Virgil could never take to heart, knowing the danger.
Because nothing ever came of it, at least not what Virgil had wanted. A few, painfully wonderful nights together and they were still the best of friends. Virgil couldn’t do anything to block out the things that Logan had said, the way that he had repeated his friend’s name like a mantra meant only for him, the way he had touched him. He couldn’t forget any of it, no matter how much it continued to eat him up inside.
So when Logan moved away, Virgil let him go without a fight. He’d wanted to see him so badly…but the idea of doing so would surely only cause more misery. Virgil had decided that he had gone through quite enough heartbreak, so he kept his distance, never mind how much it slowly destroyed him.
He kept in touch every once in a while, and Logan did the same, but it was nothing substantial. At one point, Virgil had tried to date, but it ended nearly as quickly as it began. No one could calm him down from a panic attack like Logan, no one knew such a multitude of facts about space, no one was as impressively intelligent, no one was Logan.
Virgil wanted to move on, more than anything. He’d thought that distance was the best solution, but thinking back on the last three years, Virgil had been living through hell. How…how hadn’t he realized that he’d been enduring so much loneliness? So much pain?
Even in his desperation and hunger for something more, Virgil was enjoying his time with Logan more than he had enjoyed anything in what felt like a millennium. Even after such a long period of silence between them, Logan still new him better than anyone else. Maybe that was Virgil’s problem, not allowing himself to be known. Logan knew him, though. He knew every tick and fidget, every sign no matter how small. How long had Virgil been an open book with his friend and to what extent was he open? How much did Logan know? Oh god – what if he knew? What if his questioning was only to get Virgil to admit it? What if –
“Virgil?” Virgil’s head snapped up so quickly it gave him whiplash, his eyes darting to meet Logan’s. His friend’s gaze demonstrated a deep concern, one Virgil knew he couldn’t weasel out of. He’d be damned if he didn’t try.
“Uh – sorry, again. I guess my heads in a million different places right now. What was it that you asked?” Virgil prayed that he sounded believable, but fuck, who was he kidding? Still, Logan granted him the small kindness of playing dumb, something he very much wasn’t.
“I was asking why now you wanted to visit me and not any time before this,” Logan repeated, a dangerous glint in his eyes.
“Right,” Virgil gulped, trying to quell the building fear like a fire burning in the pit of his stomach, “I’ve been busy…I guess?” Logan quirked an eyebrow.
“You guess? You say that as though it’s a question.” Shit. Shit, Logan was too damn smart. He’d always been too damn smart and there was no good way to get out of this. Should Virgil not have done this? Should he not have come at all?
“Virgil, I hope you know I don’t mean to interrogate you. I’m sure you have a perfectly logical reason, and it isn’t as though I’m not also to blame. I…I should’ve done more to reach out to you,” Logan said, apprehensively, his words coated in a thick, almost emotional haze, something so unlike him, “I suppose I just missed you.”
Now that was something Virgil could empathize with. He gazed shyly at his friend, his hand fidgeting at his side, itching to hold Logan’s again. Still, there it sat, and Virgil couldn’t help but smile at his friend, though the expression made him look quite sad.
“I’ve missed you too, L. I – I really have.”
For a while, the issue was dropped. Logan took Virgil back to his apartment and they ate lunch in a somewhat less comfortable silence. Logan spoke about his work as a chemical scientist and Virgil told him of how he was enjoying living in the city now and that his art was going pretty well.
That was the thing; Virgil and Logan now lived in the same city. Virgil hadn’t moved for Logan’s sake, or at least that’s what he continued to tell himself, instead coming because there was work in the area and he wanted a change of scenery. Still, he couldn’t take his mind of the fact that Logan and he were so close together again. It wasn’t as though he couldn’t avoid Logan if he wanted to, it was a big city, but there was that part of him that ached to stay connected. To allow himself to be drawn in and stay close and miserable like he had been before.
Before today, Virgil was sure that he’d be able to muscle his way through this hangout fairly painlessly. But there was a look in Logan’s eyes as he gazed across the table at him, softer than usual, painstakingly beautiful. Virgil had always thought Logan was beautiful but now, seeing him after so long, he couldn’t help but get lost in it. He wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in those arms, to bury his face in the crock of his neck and hide away from the rest of the world, to kiss him, to tell him…
Virgil had been so positive he could endure this, but now he was realizing how weak he truly was. He couldn’t be here. He couldn’t do this.
“I’m sorry.” Virgil stood up from his chair quickly, abandoning the half-eaten sandwich on his plate. Confusion crossed over Logan’s face as Virgil stumbled where he stood, his body wound up in panic. Virgil looked like between fight or flight, he was leaning much heavier on the flight side.
“What’re you sorry for, Virgil? What’s wrong?” Virgil shook his head, running a hand through his hair and swiping his tongue over his lip nervously.
“I’m sorry, Logan. I just – I can’t do this. Not anymore. I’ve…I need to go.” Virgil began to walk in the direction of the door with no real intention of returning, maybe never before he felt a hand clamp down on his wrist. “Logan! I – I already told you, I gotta go.”
“Virge, please, talk to me. I know it’s been a long time, but you can still talk to me. I care about you and I’m worried. You haven’t seemed yourself all day, but I attributed it to your nerves. Clearly, it’s more than that and I want to offer aid, if you’ll let me.” Virgil struggled to free himself from Logan’s grip, pulling hard against him.
“Logan, let go of me!”
“I only want to help you! Please, let me help you!”
“Don’t you get it?! You can’t!”
The words ripped their way up Virgil’s throat, burning and excruciating. Logan released him from his grasp, looking at him in what Virgil can only imagine in horror. He’d just yelled at him for no good reason, of course Logan was horrified. Appalled, probably. He was surprised Logan hadn't begged him to leave his home right that second.
Standing there, Logan looked at him dumbfounded. Virgil had a clear shot of the door, he could leave wordlessly and never come back. But then Logan’s voice rose him from his panicked thoughts with a gentle:
“Why not?”
Virgil’s eyes darted from the door to Logan, who stood there looking so deeply worried, his pale blue eyes burning a hole in Virgil. It would be so much easier to leave. Virgil didn’t want to face this. He wanted to curl up in his bed and cry his eyes out, he wanted to be a coward.
But seeing that wounded look in Logan’s eyes, he couldn’t help but give in. He’d always had a soft spot for Logan’s eyes, still did, apparently.
“Because…” Virgil swallowed thickly, feeling the heat rise to his skin, surely visible, “Because you don’t want me.” Logan dared to take a step closer to Virgil who shuddered, moments from stepping backward.
“Whatever do you mean by that, Virgil? Of course I want you.” Virgil shook his head, feeling his vision haze with tears. Well, shit. Wasn’t that just his luck?
“Not in the way that I want you,” Virgil admitted, his voice just over a whisper. He bit his lip, trying to keep a hold on the last thread of his composure. But it was slipping, further and further. Virgil’s eyes settled onto the floor, never wanting to look up again.
"How do you want me?” The question set Virgil on fire. He was almost positive he could feel the skin melting off the bone, could smell the acrid smoke. He would burn from the inside out, standing with his arms folded over his chest and damned tears in his eyes.
“Don’t – don’t make me say it. You know what I m-mean.” Virgil was nearly on his knees, beginning for the torment to cease.
“But I don’t. Virgil, I need you to be specific. Please, tell me how you want me.” Virgil sniffled, resenting Logan’s cruelty. He couldn’t will himself to meet Logan’s gaze, not even if he wanted to.
“I avoided you for so long, Logan. I couldn’t face myself to see you.”
“Why not? Why couldn’t you face me?”
“Because I want you,” Virgil said hoarsely, “I need you more than I should.” Virgil shut his eyes tight, tensing up as he felt Logan’s hand settling on his shoulders. “Please…don’t do this…”
“I need you too, Virgil. Can’t you see that? Don’t you understand that even now I’m still so enraptured by you.”
“You – you don’t –.”
“All of those things I said, they were true, Virgil. I meant them. I need you too, I have for a long time.” Virgil felt the tears finally welling past the tipping point, running down his cheeks and no smearing his eyeshadow no doubt.
“Fuck, Logan. I tried to get you out of my head for so long. I tried to forget everything…”
“Why would you feel the need to forget?” Virgil dared to open his eyes, only to find Logan’s burning with sincerity. He was cupping Virgil’s cheeks now, the tears still flowing but he seemed past the point of caring.
“Because,” Virgil hesitated, pushing on despite the lump in his throat, “Because it never meant anything. You just wanted-wanted to stay friends. I understood, I mean, I guess I did. But I…I wanted more than you did. You never said anything after all that, I-I figured you wanted me to forget it.”
“You never said anything either,” Logan pointed out, his voice even and slow, despite his own obvious anxiety, “I was under the impression that you didn’t want a relationship beyond anything physical. I wanted too, Virgil. I still want. I want you, desperately, and now you’re here and I can’t imagine letting you go again.”
Virgil had failed to consider the possibility that Logan felt the same way. He hadn’t so much as entertained the idea of Logan repressing their sexual encounters just as he had. He hadn’t ever conceptualized both of them misunderstanding the same situation. Virgil hadn’t let himself hope for anything, but now here he was, being promised so much, being caressed with trembling hands.
“Fuck, L. I love you,” Virgil said before Logan kissed him. Virgil had been kissed by Logan many times in the past, but this was different, this was real. Virgil was still on fire, but the heat seemed to envelope both of them, licking up the walls of the apartment, casting them in flickering yellows and oranges.
“I love you too,” Logan said at one point when they had stumbled onto the couch, Logan in Virgil’s lap, kissing him sloppily and open-mouthed and so much less put together than Logan always was. “I love you,” he said again as Virgil undid his tie and fiddled with his shirt buttons, desperate and starving, “I love you,” he burned into Virgil’s mind as he rocked against him, even and deliberate, “I love you,” he breathed out as he held onto Virgil as though he was the most valuable thing on earth, kissed him like he was the only one he’d ever wanted to kiss. Touched him like he was the only person he’d ever wanted to touch.
"I love you,” he said, and it was true. Logan loved Virgil, deeply and truly and he wouldn’t ever let him slip away again.
As Virgil lay enfolded in Logan’s arms, lying in a bed he would find himself in many, many times into the future, he thought of how long he’d avoided Logan, how he’d stewed in misery. Logan had suffered too, he realized. Neither would suffer again.
Virgil drifted to a more content slumber than he’d had in a while, knowing from then on out he would wake up to everything he’d ever wanted.
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