Chapter Text
It was another day for Yugi Moto. He dressed himself in his school uniform, combed through his spiky hair, and looked into his mirror. “Today is going to be a good day!” Yugi smiled to himself.
Until Yami’s spirit appeared in the reflection.
“I do not think so, Yugi,” Yami interrupted. “The future is unclear”.
“Oh, no!”
“Oh, no, indeed. You better not fuck up today, Yugi, or so help me”.
“Dammit, Yami! Just trust me, okay? You don’t have to control every fiber of my being.”
“Technically, I am—“
“YUUUUGGI!!!” none other than Grandpa Moto screamed. “You’re gonna be late for school! Téa is waiting!”
“Shut up, Grandpa! I’m coming!” Yugi raced downstairs, and spirit Yami rolled his eyes before disappearing. It was definitely not going to be a normal day for either of them.
“Yugi, you really need to stop making us late to school!” Téa whined. “We could’ve missed our test this morning!”
“Blame my stupid Grandpappi,” Yugi muttered. “When I’m not dueling, he makes me work in his Game Shop. He doesn’t even pay me!”
“Really?”
“Yes! He’d rather abuse the child labor laws than actually hire someone to work in his shop. Man, what would I do to be free of him!”
That’s it! Yami thought to himself.
Yugi was in the middle of class when his phone started ringing. “Hello?”
“YUUUUUUUGGGIII—“
“GRANDPA! You don’t have to scream, I can hear you just fine!”
“Yugi! I need you to close the Game Shop tonight. I have an appointment with Massage Envy at 8 PM and I cannot miss it!”
“Ugh, that’s tonight? Can you reschedule, Grandpa? I kinda have things to do tonight!”
“Yugi, I have been touch starved for many years. It has been a long time since a woman’s hands has caressed your Grandpa, ah, yes,” Grandpa nearly moaned. “I can almost feel it now—“
Yugi hung up. “Ugh!” he slammed his phone on the desk.
“What’s the matter, Yugi?” Joey asked in his piss poor Brooklyn accent.
“My stupid Grandpa,” Yugi complained. “He’s making me close the Game Shop tonight because he has a planned orgasm at Massage Envy tonight! What a prick!”
“What does it matter, Yugi?” Tristan tilted his head. “You have no plans tonight, anyway, you anti-social, spiritually possessed loser”.
“Damn, Tristan! Of course I do! I have—I have things to do tonight!”
“Like, what? Yourself?” Joey laughed obnoxiously, until Yugi punched him square in the stomach.
“No!” Yugi blushed furiously. “I thought we had plans tonight!” He turned towards Tristan.
“No can do, Yugi-poo. My parents’ divorce lawyer is requesting we discuss custody tonight”.
“...Oh, I’m—“ he bit out the word sheepishly, “sorry, Tristan. Are they arguing over who will have custody of you?”
“No, as a matter of fact, they’re arguing over who will not have custody of me. My parents hate me very, very much”.
“...Oh,” Yugi offered no empathy for Tristan’s predicament. “Joey?”
“I—“
“I lost interest as soon as you started speaking. Téa?”
“I have a breast augmentation consultation”.
Yugi sighed. “Fuck my life”.
Yugi arrived home after school, clearly depressed and angry. He tried calling the depression hotline on his walk home from school, complaining of his Grandpappi. The hotline volunteer laughed and then hung up.
He stormed inside the Game Shop, kicking the dusty broom in front of him, which then accidentally smashed into the window. Grandpa didn’t seem to notice.
Senile old bastard, Yugi thought to himself.
“Yugi, my boy!” Grandpa smiled, seemingly unaware that Yugi was so depressed. “When I leave for my appointment with Massage Envy, do not forget to under-report our cash income to the IRS. We cannot be discovered for tax fraud, can we?”
“No, Grandpa,” Yugi agreed, absentmindedly. “Grandpa, do I have to close the Game Shop?”
“Yes! Now quite whining, and get to work! In my day, we weren’t as quite lazy as your generation!”
“But you don’t even pay me, dammit!”
“No, but did I ask for my soul to be trapped in the TV? Did I ask for an Egyptian spirit to possess my grandson? Did I ask for your parents to abandon you, because they knew how much of a bother you would be?”
“What the fuck, Grandpa!”
“Go to work, YUUUUGGGGGGIII ,” Grandpa began to waddle his fat, wrinkly body out of the Game Shop.
“Grandpa! It’s only 3 PM! Your appointment isn’t until 8!”
“I would rather sit in the waiting room of Massage Envy for 5 hours than listen to your bitching about closing my Game Shop,” Grandpa flicked his belly lint onto the floor. “Clean that up”. He then closed the door.
“Son of a bitch!” Yugi tore his Millenium Puzzle off in anger, and threw it, which then crashed through the window.
It was a little past 4 PM, an hour after Yugi argued with his incompetent, fat Grandpa. Yugi was truly becoming sick of working for him. He did feel bad about having his soul stuck in the TV, but technically, that was Pegasus’ fault, right?
Yami’s bitching certainly wasn’t helping either.
“I am an Egyptian spirit, a Pharaoh ! Alas, here I am, sweeping the dusty floors of your obese Grandfather’s shop. What am I, some commoner woman?” Yami, with a huff, threw the broom out of the window.
“Yami,” Yugi sighed. “You’re being sexist. Please don’t say that!”
“Oh–hoho,” Yami sneered. “I am being sexist? You, Yugi, are being a little bitch.”
“Yami!”
“Here we are, in your Grandfather’s Game Shop. Yugi, you are Duelist. You should not have to feel responsible for taking care of his pathetic shop. Do you want to know why I told you, earlier this morning, the future was unclear? Stupid Solomon Moto, that’s why! Do you not understand, Yugi?”
Yugi sighed. “I know, Yami, I hate my Grandpappi too. I’m hoping he just dies soon enough from the multitude of underlying health issues so I can sell his Game Shop and have it turn into a strip club or something”.
“Why wait till his death? We can stop being responsible for his failure Game Shop now!”
“What are you suggesting, Yami?”
“Take the cash out of the register. We’re going to Massage Envy.”
Meanwhile, Grandpa Moto was sitting patiently in the Massage Envy office. He was gently stroking his nipples, in deep thought. “Mmmm...” he moaned.
“Mr. Moto?” the receptionist called, awkwardly watching this old man caress his own nipples this entire time. “Your appointment isn’t until 8 PM. Are you okay with waiting here till then?”
“Huh?” Grandpa blinked. “Yes, I would do absolutely anything to get away from my selfish grandson”.
“...Um, okay...”
“You know, I never asked to raise Yugi myself. His parents abandoned them. I could have easily thrown him into some orphanage, better yet, an animal shelter—I am positive he and his friend, this dumb kid named Joey, are furries—anyway, now what was I saying....”
The receptionist sighed. This was going to be a long afternoon of a senile Grandpa rambling unless she intervened. “Mr. Moto, how would you like to have your massage now?”
“Oh, yes! That would work perfectly! I have had enough foreplay, time to get this geezer dirty!”
“Okay, Mr. Moto, right this way”. The receptionist led him into the massage room. “Take off your clothes, Mr. Moto, and lay on the massage bed. The therapist will be here shortly.”
“Oh, goodie!”
As soon as the receptionist closed the door (rather quickly), Grandpa Moto tore off his sweaty pants, and ripped off his shirt. He flopped onto the massage bed like a fat fish, moaning in anticipation as he tore off his tighty-whities.
The massage therapist knocked on the door. “Mr. Moto?”
“Yes, I am ready!” Grandpa smiled to himself, rubbing his nipples with a packet of warm orange marmalade he had stored in his back pocket, for emergencies. “Come in, baby. Grandpappi’s all yours!”
“Um...Mr. Moto, someone is actually in Massage Envy waiting to see you. He says it’s an emergency. Can your massage wait for a moment?”
“WHAT? Who in the hell is here to see me?”
“It’s...Yugi Moto, your grandson.”
“FUCK!” Grandpa slipped off his massage bed, like the sweaty fat mass he is, and waddled to the front door. With orange marmalade dripping down his nipples, Grandpa Moto threw open the door, bare naked. “DAMMIT, YUUUUUGGGIIII! WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
Yugi and Yami screamed in unison. “SOLOMON!” Yami screamed. “COVER UP YOUR PENIS, IMMEDIATELY!”
“NO! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?”
“I CHALLENGE YOU TO A D-D-DDDDUUUUEEELLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!”