Work Text:
Grandpa Moto woke up at 6 AM on Saturday morning to begin his routine. He obnoxiously started vacuuming, and made his way to Yugi’s room to bang on his door. The steps creaked under his massive weight.
“ YUUUUUGGGGIIIIII,” Grandpa screamed. “ WAAAAAKE UPPPP! It’s time to rise and shine. ”
“Grandpa, go away!” Yugi screeched. Then to himself he murmured, “I’m trying to dream about Joey and his dog suit again! ” Yami shivered in disgust.
“BUT YUUUUUUUUUGI, WE HAVE TO HURRY DOWN TO IHOP TO GET THE EXTREME SENIOR DISCOUNT!” Grandpa continued to screech.
“Ugh, do we have to?” Yugi hid himself under his covers, silently pleading to himself this was a nightmare. If not, at least there was the chance that he’d accidentally suffocate himself. He sighed. If only. Calmly, as if thoughts of suicide ideation hadn’t crossed through his mind, he added, “I’m not even hungry, Grandpa—“
Grandpa then busted down the door, grabbed his groggy grandson out of bed, and hurried out the door with him. Yugi was still in his baby starlight pajamas too.
“Yami, help!” Yugi yelped. His grandpa was carrying him bridal style, and he was unceremoniously smacked into the wall. However, Yami didn’t beckon to Yugi’s call. He was too busy playing with Yugi’s baby toys in his soul room. It turned out that Yugi had a Nintendo system in his room too. He’d been playing Just Dance all day. Now he’d created an audience of all of the plush toys. He’d flung his shirt into the sea of stuffed animals, imagining their cheers for his dancing.
“HAHAHAHA even Kaiba can’t beat these moves!” Yami said while he paraded around the small room.
“Bastard.” Yugi muttered under his breath.
“What did you call me?” Grandpa Moto wiggled his hearing aid.
“I said Bastard, stupid Grandpa!” C’mon, Yami, he spoke through their link, Do something! He paused, waiting to hear a response. Nothing. Hello?!
Yami clearly heard him the first time, but chose to ignore him anyway. There were far more important matters at hand. Like his status as superstar for one thing. Yugi could suffer with the fat Solomon by himself. “Let’s see what else Yugi has in his pathetic soul room…” Yami spoke to himself, while Yugi was screaming at his Grandpa again.
“I want my eggs, over-easy, Yugi! You’re coming to iHop, that is final!” Grandpa Moto waddled outside of the Game Shop with a screaming Yugi (who was still in his baby starlight pajamas), and waddled towards the iHop. Yes, he was already sweating. Profusely.
“Why do I have to come, though! Just get your eggs by yours—” Solomon smacked Yugi into a tree, successfully cutting off his protest. The bystanders who also may have been out for an early breakfast actively ignored his screams of pain.
Upon arriving at the breakfast chain, Grandpa gasped. He saw what appeared to be the most beautiful breakfast concoction to ever be made. It was quadruple stack pancakes topped with mashed potatoes, cheetos, spam, and whipped cream. He was in love and knew right then and there he had to have it.
“Grandpa, I think I’d like to go home now.”
“Hell no, Yugi!” Grandpa stormed inside of the iHop, and plopped into a booth. The booth quickly came up from the ground as he sat down. Yugi sadly crawled over, taking his place across from his greasy grandpa. “Here,” Grandpa slid a menu across the table towards him, “Remember, you’re only allowed to pick from the children’s menu!”
“ What! Grandpa, this is ridiculous! The kids’ menu is ten and under!” Yugi flushed furiously; he should have never decided to wear his starlight pajamas last night. In his defense, his Grandpappi had spilled apple juice over the first pair of pajamas he’d been wearing. Maybe it was time to start sleeping in the nude. Gosh, I hope Yami didn’t hear that thought…
I most certainly did, Yami responded through their mind link, finally joining the conversation. That probably would be for the best. Those pajamas make you look like a prepubescent child. Although, I don’t see how being naked would solve your current situation.
“Ugh! Fuck off Yami!” Yugi slammed his menu onto the table. Other customers who were trying to enjoy their meals gave him the side-eye. “Grandpa, please! Let me order a short stack of pancakes!”
“No! You will order from the children’s menu only ! Grandpa barely makes money at his shop, because you and your stupid friends are out gallivanting wasting it on plane tickets to go play cards!”
“Are you serious? You’re the one who even taught Joey how to play Duel Monsters! Even though he’s a proud furry! I think he spent most of Serenity’s surgery money on his newest fursuit.”
The waitress, who was listening to the conversation the entirety of this time—including when the odd prepubescent child yelled at his imaginary friend—awkwardly cleared her throat. “Can I...start you off with some drinks?”
“I will gladly take a small orange juice with vodka—“
“Grandpa! There’s no alcohol at iHop! It’s only 6:30 AM, you don’t need vodka!”
“I most certainly do when I have to speak to your sensitive ass all day,” Grandpa rolled his eyes. “Not to mention your imaginary boyfriend.” He turned to the waitress and patted the flask in his breast pocket. “Don’t worry, just an orange juice is fine. Grandpa has the goods.”
“...Okay,” the waitress turned towards Yugi. “And for you?”
“I would like a—“
“He will have water, and water only! ” Grandpa interrupted.
“No, dammit! Maybe I want an orange juice, Grandpa!” Yugi frowned as he heard Yami laughing through their mind link. “Yami, I said fuck off! ”
“You know what? I will come back,” The waitress immediately walked away.
“Grandpa!” Yugi sent a flying kick to his Grandpa directly in the shin. Grandpa screamed in pain, doubling over the table. The table then collapsed, and the iHop maple syrups exploded.
“ Damn it , Yugi! I am not buying iHOP a new table! It’s coming out of your paycheck.”
“You don’t pay me, damnit! I’m going home.” Yugi rose from the uncomfortable booth just as the disturbed waitress came back. She swore under her breath. She bent over to fix the table. Solomon began chugging the vodka from his flask. Fortunately, she was able to fix the table and mop up most of the syrup.
“This isn’t the first time this has happened,” she said, in what was probably meant to be a reassuring voice. She eyed Yugi, who was mid-stride, and apparently there was just enough pity in Yugi’s heart to not put this woman through serving his grandpa without any intervention. He sighed and sat back down. Aha! You’re truly soft, Yugi. You are what the kids call a pussy. And not the cat kind. I would never insult my feline friends in such a manner.
“What can I get you?” The waitress asked, putting Grandpappi’s orange juice on a coaster.
“Water, please.” Yugi mumbled.
“YUUUUUGI, did you pick your children’s menu entree, Yugi? I know you like the pancakes with the smiley faces.”
Yugi glared at his grandpa before grumbling, “I will have the Funny Face combo order.”
Yuuuugi, I’m not wearing a shirt. I threw it at your baby toys.
What the—Yami! Stop sexually harassing me in public! At least wait until we’re at home.
Yugi sighed as his grandpa ordered ten entrees for himself. This was why he was so fat. And Yugi wasn’t even allowed an orange juice. Yugi wondered if his lack of growth could be attributed to the malnourishment he’d suffered under his grandpappi’s care.
No, Yugi. It has to do with your main character status. Your diminutive stature sets you apart from others and helps to make you a memorable duelist.
Who asked you? Go back to dancing like a slut to Mr. Saxobeat, Yami!
Apparently he’d said that last part aloud, because everyone in the restaurant was glaring at him. It’s less fun when you’re not here with me...
Yugi flushed. He stared at the butter knife in front of him. If only…
“YUUUUUGI, can I eat the face off of your funny face pancakes? They’re so funny and look delicious.”
“Grandpa, why the fuck didn’t you just order them for yourself, you got like every other entree on the menu…”
“UNLIKE YOU, I can’t pass for a child, Yugi.” Solomon suckled more vodka out of his flask. “MMmmmmmMm.”
“Grandpa, we talked about this. No flasks when we eat at restaurants. We’re gonna get kicked out of here like we did at Country Kitchen Buffet.”
Yuuugii—
That’s enough!
“It wasn’t my fault, Yugi.” Grandpa muttered. The waitress returned with a waiter, and together they placed eleven plates on the rickety table.
“Thanks.” Yugi said. He picked at his “funny face” pancakes, awkwardly. There was nothing funny about this situation.
HA!—
Shut up.
Solomon took one look at his ten entrees and instead reached over the table to Yugi’s plate. He scraped all of the whipped cream off and promptly ate it all.
“Grandpa!! What the fuck! You told me you wanted eggs over-easy this morning. Did you just use me to get this children’s menu entree?”
“Yes,” Grandpa answered. He licked the whipped cream off of his fingers, sucking the cream profusely. “Now, remember to eat your fruits.”
Those sucking noises are quite disturbing, Yugi.
Yami, do something! I didn’t even want to come here, but he was right….I DO really like those pancakes. Even if it’s demeaning.
Yugi wasn’t gonna cry. He wasn’t. Not over those stupid funny face pancakes—which no longer had a face at all. Grandpa speared the pancakes with his fork and dragged them over to his side of the table.
“WAIT! WHERE’S THE SLOPPY PANCAKE I ORDERED” Grandpa slammed his greasy hands on the table. If Yugi wasn’t embarrassed already, he certainly was now.
“Grandpa...It’s the plate to your right.” Yugi said. “No...Your other right...NO, this one.” He pointed at the dish.
“Ah, here it is,” Grandpa rubbed his belly. “I am so hungry, Yugi, I may need another order of funny face pancakes…”
Yugi groaned. Here he was, in an iHop, with his fat Grandpa (who was currently mooching off of his own food), and he was still in his pajamas. He may need an additional therapy session for the following week. Unfortunately, he and his family had no insurance to pay for such an expense.
Suddenly, a woman came up to their table. She seemed almost reluctant to even speak to the two.
“E-Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you two during your breakfast.” the woman cautiously spoke.
“PLEASE!” Yugi yelled. He groaned. Then under his breath added, “Anything to stop this monstrosity.”
“I couldn’t help but notice, are you Big Ed from 90 Day Fianc é ?” she asked.
“ No! ” Grandpa roared. “Stop comparing me to that fat, greasy, short man!”
“But, Grandpa, you’re also fat, greasy, and short.”
“ EXCUUUUSE ME? ”
Oh, Yugi. You’ve really pushed his buttons now.
Grandpa roared and smashed one of the pancakes against the window. He then threw one of the plates at a small child.
“MY BEAUTIFUL PANCAKE! NOOOO!” Grandpa screeched.
“Um…” Yugi said. “Are you okay?”
The kid nodded as he was dragged away by his mother.
“Grandpa! We’re gonna get—”
The waitress who had been so patient finally came back. “Listen...You guys are out of here. You have been disturbing our customers,” she turned towards Yugi, “you should also seriously consider seeking a therapist. Why do you keep talking to yourself?”
Yugi blushed. “Just give us the bill,” he mumbled, “we’ll be on our way.”
The waitress left the check on the table before walking away. Grandpa swiped the check before doubling over the table, yet again, in sheer horror.
“ $100?!” Grandpa screeched. “ WHAT ABOUT MY SENIOR DISCOUNT?”
“Grandpa, the discount was already applied, and it’s still $100, you fat bastard!”
“It’s because of your pancake order, I should have never taken you here—“
“You dragged me here! In my pajamas! ”
“Maybe you should sleep in the nude next time.”
Yugi, your fat Grandfather drags you to iHop almost every Saturday. It would do you well to grow a spine for once, you—
Don’t say it!
Pussy!
“Grandpa! I’ve had it with these iHOP trips. You can pay the bill since you ate all the food! You’re the one who ordered like a dozen breakfasts. All I actually got to eat was the water which was FREE. I’m leaving.”
Good job, Yugi! Now challenge him to a shadow game to restore your honor.
What? No!
“Yuuuuuuuuuuuugi, Grandpa wants to go to Payless after this to buy new shoes.” Solomon said as he pulled out his credit card.
“Oh, hell no! I’m tired of this!” Yugi shouted. “Go to Payless by yourself, bitch! ” he then spat in his fat Grandfather’s face.
Wow! Did your balls finally drop Yugi?
Shut up!
Yugi then finally stood up from the booth, leaving his Grandpa in a state of absolute shock at his sudden display of courage. Truth was, however, Yugi was trembling like a leaf. He raced as far away from the booth as possible. Tears streamed down his face. It wasn’t even eight o’clock in the morning and this day was already traumatic.
Are you crying?
“No, Grandpa sometimes poops his pants whenever he eats too much breakfast food. He always expects me to take care of it after. The smell can bring anyone to tears.” Yugi spoke while trying to gasp for air.
That is the most foul thing I have heard in thousands of years of existence, Yugi.
Yugi began to sob. “Okay, now I’m crying.” He admitted.
I am going to mind crush your grandfather, Yugi. This is unacceptable. Only I should be making you cry, after all.
“But Yami!” Yugi yelled in the middle of the street. “I can’t go back into that iHOP. I can’t.” He sobbed into his hands, collapsing onto the sidewalk like a folding chair. “YUGIOOOOHHHHH!” He screamed.
Yugi...you don’t have to—
“YUGIOOOOOOH!”
Okay, fine….damnit, now I’m turning into a pussy.
Yami took control of Yugi’s body and stormed back over to the iHOP. He was livid. Only he was allowed to make Yugi sob on the sidewalk like that. He kicked the main entrance door, and promptly stomped over to Yugi’s fat, sweating Grandfather. He removed his (Yugi’s) pajama shirt and flung it at other patrons.
“SOLOMON. I am ready to duel! I have removed this restrictive shirt, and now I am going to remove my trousers.”
“Sir, you can’t—”
Yami mind-crushed the manager of the establishment immediately. Then he stepped out of Yugi’s stupid baby pajamas.
Yami, that wasn’t nice! Yugi scolded.
“SHUT UP!” Yami roared. The patrons of the restaurant squirmed in their seats.
Solomon Muto threw all of his plates on the floor and attempted to waddle out of the chain restaurant. However, he was too slow and sweaty. He collapsed onto the floor, breathing heavily. “Yugi! Help your poor Grandpop up!”
“No.” Yami folded his arms. “You are a fat, pathetic Grandfather. You are clearly being cruel to Yugi. OVER FUNNY FACE PANCAKES.” Yami buffed his fingernails against the wall. “Only I get to be cruel to Yugi.”
“Are you the pharaoh?”
“Is it not obvious? Pull out your deck—it’s time to duel for the right of punishing Yugi.”
Yugi screamed.
“Pharoah...you have my deck.”
Yami froze. Ah.
The police arrived on the scene and Yami fled leaving the sweaty Solomon on the floor.
“Don’t cry, Yugi. I’ll make you the funny face pancakes at home.”
As Yami fled, the police wrestled the fat Solomon to the floor, and cuffed him.
“What the? Am I being arrested? I am just a poor, senile old man! I have a heart condition! I cannot be arrested! Arrest the Pharaoh!”
The police ignored Solomon and dragged his fat, profusely sweating body into the police car. Yugi was nowhere in sight; in fact, he was blocks away from the game shop.
“Yami...why did you leave my pajamas at the iHOP I’m banned from?”
“Shut up, Yugi. I am an ancient spirit, after all. My customs...are…different—ah whatever, you didn’t like those pajamas anyway.”
“You know we have to bail him out of jail, right?”
“Let’s do it tomorrow. He did take your pancakes after all.”
“Yami...you really don’t know how to cook. Last time you nearly burned the game shop down. And I’m not talking about the time you did it intentionally.”
Yami growled. “You will get NO pancakes.”
“I’ll make us pancakes, Yami.” Yugi said, chuckling to himself. He ignored all of the strangers who were looking at him. At least he could have the rest of the day grandpa-free. He ignored the cry of “YUUUUUUUUUUGI” that could be heard from miles away as he continued on his walk.
~The end~