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When Wade wakes up in an unfamiliar setting, he isn’t alarmed at first. He wakes up in unfamiliar settings all the time. What makes him jolt into a sitting position with his mask’s eyes blown comically wide is the unfamiliar people that are walking down the street, avoiding him like the plague. There are people with cacti for heads-- which makes his mind whirl with the insult possibilities-- people with arms the colour of coconut oatmeal cookies, people with eyes the size of flying saucers, people with claws like Wolverine’s.
He’s not in Kansas anymore, motherfluffers.
“Ahh shucks not again,” is all he can think to say. Then he pauses, brain chugging along like a train with one wheel. “And this universe doesn’t even allow swears? …fluff. Shizzlesticks. Fluffing motherfluffing pattycake. Mountain Dew, I swear by thy name.” He bolts to his feet, causing everyone around him to edge back warily and scurry off. “Hey! That’s not even canonically correct! I’m allowed to swear in English, you motherfluffing chuckeroo with a nose the size of a fluffing mountain! Stop censoring my beautiful fluffing mouth!”
Men and women alike cast Wade nervous looks as they shuffle past. There is no answer from the skies.
Wade huffs. “Fine. You win this time, author.” He shoves a finger towards the sun. “But you’d better bring me back to somewhere I can swear soon… or I’ll… uhh…” His arm drops. “I’ll get back to you on that. But yeah! Swearing’s like, half my personality. I need it to live!”
Silence.
He crosses his arms and sulks for a bit, but, of course, that achieves nothing. “You’re annoying,” he says to the Wall, pouting. He stands in the middle of the sidewalk for a moment longer. “Where am I, anyway?”
He looks up at the buildings, slowly turning around. Picking up speed, he spins like a ballerina, earning himself some odd glances.
He trips, pinwheels, then promptly falls on his buttocks. “Ow.” A pause. “Oh, we’re in Japan, but we’re speaking English for plot convenience. That makes sense.” He perks up. “Since this isn’t my universe, can I--”
An elbow hits the back of his head, cutting him off.
“Oh, I’m s-so s-sorry!” A voice stutters from above him. “I d-did-dn’t s-see you there! I w-was distracted, sorry…” They devolve into a stream of mutters where Wade only catches one or two words out of ten. Something about ‘notebook’s and ‘mom’s and ‘stupid deku’s. Not very important. (The muttering actually kinda reminds Wade of Peter, with his mumbled science-y tangents and lectures on ethics. God-- it hasn’t even been a day and Wade misses the kid.)
He looks up to see a child with dark green hair standing over him. “That’s alright, kiddo!” he chirps, rising to his feet. The kid hardly reaches his chest. “My head’s as hard as my--” He coughs against his will. “Anyway--” Stupid author. “Where’ you going in such a hurry?”
“Oh, I, um…” The kid looks over his shoulder nervously. “... m-my mom… wants m-me h-home… right now…”
“You’re a terrible liar,” Wade announces. “There was someone chasing you, wasn’t there?”
Not answering was enough of an answer.
“Welp!” Wade trills. “You want them dead?” Peter would tell him not to kill anyone, but he isn’t here, is he?
To his disappointment, the child waves his arms like windmills, shaking his head vigorously. “N-no! Th-they’re going t-to be am-mazing h-heroes one d-day!”
Wade tilts his head. “But.. they’re chasing you to hurt you, right?”
“W-well, maybe, but--”
“Then how are they going to become heroes if they’re hurting you?”
“Aahh… I’m-- I’m i-in their way… I’m n-not ver-ry imp-portant-t…”
“What’s your name, kiddo?”
“M-midoriya Iz-zuku, s-sir.”
“I’m Deadpool, but keep the ‘sir.’ I like it. Now, little Midori~” He pronounced ‘little’ like ‘lee-tle.’ “Just because you’re not important doesn’t mean they get to hurt you, especially if they want to be heroes. Heroes, (as my super-bud Spidey always tells me), do not unnecessarily insult, hurt, or unalive anyone that isn't trying to insult, hurt, or unalive them back. Were you trying to insult, hurt, or unalive anyone, little Midori?”
“N-no, but--”
“Uh-uh! No buts! Not until you’re married. Now~ since you weren’t trying to unalive anyone, they shouldn’t try to hurt you, should they?”
Midori fiddles with his thumbs.
“Midori?” Wade prompts.
“Oh, l-look at th-the time!” he diverts. “S-sorry, D-deadpool-san! I-I’ve got to g-go!”
Wade watches leettle Midoriya hustle down the street, glancing over his shoulder all the way.
“I know what you want me to do, now, author,” Wade states confidently. “You want me to replace little Midori’s dad, because he’s obviously incompetent. Am I right or am I right?”
Without waiting for an answer, Deadpool heads off to follow the child.
“Don’t worry, author. I’ll spoil this kid rotten.”
:<>:<>:<>:<>:<>:
“-- the author was just searching up stereotypical dad jokes! That means I’m your dad now~!” the man twitters, bouncing beside Izuku as he makes his way home.
Izuku is kind of worried that this guy is a kidnapper, but he hasn’t really done anything yet besides ramble and claim to be his new dad. Besides-- as much as it brings tears to his eyes to admit it, Izuku is starved for positive social interaction. He can’t even remember the last time someone besides his mom talked to him without the usage of insults or the occasional hit involved. Even then, his mom tends to dissolve into tears and make him feel worse about himself.
Not that he doesn’t deserve it. He really is just a burden to everyone around him.
“Nope! No self-deprecating talk, silly-willy!” Deadpool sing-songs, slinging an arm around the younger’s shoulders.
Had he just said that out loud?
“Yup, sure did!” The man leans closer, as if telling a secret. “Don’t worry though; I do that all the time! Things come right from my mind into my mouth without me even giving them permission! It’s very rude of them, don’t you think?”
“I g-guess…”
“Exactly. Anyway, I’ve got a ton of dad jokes now! You want to hear them?” And without further adieu, Deadpool-san rattles off horrible dad jokes such as “What sound does a witch's car make? Broom Broom,” and “What does a zombie vegetarian eat? GRRRAAAIINS!” and so forth.
Izuku is kind of glad, because it distracts him from thoughts about Kacchan and the others. They’re probably going to hurt him a lot more, tomorrow, because he ran away. He should know better at this point, honestly. He’s been their punching bag since they were five and he was diagnosed Quirkless. It really figures that being powerless means that those with power will abuse theirs for their own gain and your hurt…
“Oh, that’s infuriating,” Deadpool-san says sympathetically. Izuku jumps, going red around the ears. He really needs to get a handle on his mumbling. “I think it’s endearing, little Midori.” He boops his nose, and Izuku crinkles it involuntarily. “You remind me of a friend of mine, actually. He’s cute and little like you are, except he’s all science-this and science-that. Do you have a hobby, Midori?”
“Uhh--”
As they walk through an underpass, the manhole cover rattles, then bursts.
A giant slime with huge teeth and bulging eyes erupts from the manhole, towering over them with a manic grin. “A disguise! It’s okay, kid. It’ll only hurt for about 45 seconds!!!”
BANG!
The villain screams, clutching at its eye. Izuku backs away, confused, alarmed, and terrified all in one. What just happened?
“I invoke the name of the Flaming Hot Doritos! Begone, by the power of Greyskull! Avada kedavra!”
He gets his answer when he looks at Deadpool-san, who is wielding a gun in one hand and a katana in the other. He seems completely at ease, his shoulders loose and his legs casually rested in a wide yet flexible stance. “You were saying, kiddo?”
Izuku suddenly feels incredibly safe, even with the slime villain not a few steps away from him. So cool… “Oh, uh. I like to analyse Quirks. Specifically heroes’ quirks…”
“Hey! I think that’s the first time you didn’t stutter! Good job, little Midori!”
Izuku beams. He can’t remember the last time that someone praised him for something, much less something so small as speaking properly.
“I AM HERE!!!” booms a voice from behind them, then a concussive wave of wind hits Izuku, sending him flying into Deadpool-san’s chest.
Izuku knows that voice. He doesn’t even feel embarrassed being caught by a man he just met. He scrambles to turn around, bouncing excitedly in place. “All Might!!” he yelps.
“Thanks for distracting the villain, young man! I couldn’t have done it without you!” All Might strikes a pose. “I will sign an autograph, but then I must be on my way! Justice calls!” He scoops up what’s left of the slime villain with two soda bottles, tucking them in his pants pocket. He signs Midoriya’s notebook.
“Goodbye, young man! Bye… small-time hero? Vigilante? ..whatever you are! I must go!”
“W-wait! All Might!” Izuku leaps forwards to grab onto the leaving hero’s leg, but is prevented by Deadpool.
They are left in his dust.
“Ahhh. I wanted to ask him a question…” Izuku pouts, sinking in Deadpool’s arms.
“Ooo! Ask me! Ask me!” the man begs.
Izuku looks up at the man.
(Deadpool looks back and knows that this is only the beginning--)
“Can I be a hero without a quirk?”
(-- of a long and chaotic friendship)