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Kisumi was the type of person who never let anyone see him cry. That was how Asahi knew he wasn’t just anyone.
The first time it happened was in middle school, when Asahi told Kisumi he was moving away. It was nothing new to Asahi. He was used to starting over. They’d moved because of his dad’s work a couple times before, so Asahi was good at making new friends. But in all the schools he’d gone to, he’d never had the kind of friend who would cry when he told them he was moving away. That was when Asahi knew. Kisumi was his best friend.
He’d never even seen Kisumi upset before, let alone crying. He usually let everything roll off his back, a quality which both irked and awed Asahi. They were opposites in that way. Kisumi was carefree where Asahi was melodramatic, good-humoured where Asahi was hot-headed. Which was why tears looked wrong falling down his cheeks, and Asahi had no choice but to wrap his arms around his friend and stroke his wavy locks until his sobs turned into soft hiccups.
He’d been comforted in the past, when he had to transfer schools, but he’d never had to comfort someone else.
His other friends reacted about the way Asahi had expected. Haru said his stoic goodbye and Makoto wished him luck and promised to tell Ikuya goodbye for him once his family returned from their vacation. Kisumi made him promise not to tell them that he’d cried. Not that Asahi would have done that anyway. He may have been a loud mouth, but that moment was sacred. A private exchange that could only be shared between best friends.
~
Part of him thought they’d drift apart after he moved away, but it never happened. It happened with Haru and Makoto eventually, and Asahi didn’t hear from Ikuya at all after he moved. But, somehow, he and Kisumi remained close as ever, even from far away.
Kisumi was still Kisumi. Still easy-going and still smug when he was able to goad Asahi into one of his emotional outbursts. Now it was just over the phone instead of in the school hallways.
“Are you sure you two are friends?” his sister asked him one day, when Asahi hung up on Kisumi mid-conversation, red-faced and fuming.
“What a dumb question, Akane,” he responded.
His phone buzzed and a picture of Kisumi popped up on his screen. He was pouting in the photo, but his eyes were still laughing like always.
“What a jerk,” Asahi muttered, calling Kisumi back.
~
They were halfway through their second year of middle school when Kisumi called him crying one day.
“Kiss me!” Asahi greeted him with a chuckle, but as soon as he heard Kisumi’s shaky breath, he flew into a panic. “Kisumi, what’s wrong?”
“I have to tell you something.”
Kisumi’s voice was almost a whisper.
“Tell me,” Asahi urged.
Kisumi was silent. He wasn’t the kind to clam up, which only made Asahi worry more.
“Kisumi?”
“I think...I’m different. From other guys.”
Asahi wasn’t sure where he was going with this. “Yeah, you’re definitely different from other guys.”
“No, I mean.” Kisumi’s voice hitched. “I think I like boys.”
“Oh.”
Asahi wasn’t particularly surprised by this admission. After all, Kisumi was always telling him how cute he was, something none of Asahi’s other friends ever did, not even his girl friends. It wasn’t so far-fetched to assume, based on that, that Kisumi was attracted to boys on some level. He didn’t see it as something to get all worked up over. Though maybe that was over-simplifying things. Asahi himself hadn’t really taken a romantic interest in anybody yet, so maybe this kind of thing was just beyond his understanding.
“Is someone giving you trouble?” he asked.
“It’s not that. You’re the only person who knows.”
“So why did you make it sound so serious? You really scared me, you know. Did you think I wouldn’t be your friend anymore or something?”
“The thought crossed my mind.”
Anger bubbled up in Asahi’s chest. “Well don’t let it cross your mind again!”
“You don’t...think I’m weird?”
“Kisumi,” he said flatly. “I’ve always thought you were weird.”
“...Okay.”
“You’re my best friend. This doesn’t change that. So if anyone gives you trouble you tell me. I’ll be on the first train to Iwatobi and I’ll beat the crap out of them!”
Kisumi laughed. “Why would I need you to defend me? I think I’m bigger than you anyways.”
“You are not!”
“I had a growth spurt. I’m the tallest in my class now.”
Asahi pouted. “Well I’m tougher than you,” he huffed. “Do you know how much upper body strength it takes to swim the butterfly stroke? I’m built.”
He wondered fleetingly whether muscular guys were Kisumi’s type.
“Fine, you’re stronger than me,” Kisumi conceded. “I’ll call you if I need anyone taken care of.”
“Jesus, Kisumi, now you’re making me sound like a hitman.”
“Are you saying you wouldn’t kill for me? I’m hurt, Asahi.”
Kisumi’s voice was back to normal now, and Asahi sighed with relief. Tears didn’t suit him. Asahi hoped that his friend never had a reason to cry again.
~
It was during their third year of middle school that Kisumi visited for the first time. He’d gotten taller, but he still looked the same. The same laughing eyes, the same wavy hair, the same cheeky grin.
Something was different, though.
Asahi had been looking forward to this visit for weeks, buzzing with excitement when he told his friends at school that his best friend was coming to spend the weekend with him. But now that Kisumi was there, sitting cross-legged on Asahi’s bedroom floor, something felt different from before.
Asahi’s heart beat so fast he feared it would fly away like a hummingbird.
He noticed little things about Kisumi that he hadn’t before. Had his hands always been bigger than Asahi’s? Had he always had a freckle on the back of his neck? Had he always had a little cowlick right where his hair parted?
“Why do you look like a love-struck teenager?” Akane asked, after Kisumi had gone home.
“Well I am a teenager,” Asahi replied, not moving from his bed. He stared at the ceiling blankly. He pictured peach-colored waves. “Is this what love feels like?”
“Oookay,” Akane said, backing out of the room.
~
He thought that maybe Kisumi could like him back. He’d already come out as gay, after all, and wasn’t every gay teenager’s first love their best friend?
Then Kisumi went and proved him wrong by getting a boyfriend, a boy from his high school basketball team who was so cute and so smart and so mature. Asahi tried to pretend not to be bitter, but he was never good at pretending.
He tried not to sound too happy about it later, when Kisumi told him they’d broken up, but he wasn’t good at hiding that either.
~
The third time Asahi witnessed Kisumi crying was in their second year of high school. He’d sounded urgent on the phone, so Asahi agreed to meet him at the train station halfway between their cities.
Kisumi was waiting for him when he got off the train, and as soon as their eyes met, collapsed into his arms.
“What happened?” Asahi asked, stroking his friend’s hair.
Kisumi’s hair was soft, and his body warm and heavy in his arms, and Asahi felt guilty for enjoying this while Kisumi was so upset.
“It’s Hayato,” Kisumi hiccupped.
“Is he okay?”
Kisumi adored his little brother. It would devastate him if Hayato got hurt, and Asahi didn’t know how to comfort him if that was the case.
“It’s my fault,” Kisumi sobbed. “I wasn’t watching him...and he...fell...almost drowned.”
“Is he hurt?” Asahi asked.
Kisumi shook his head, smearing tears and snot into Asahi’s swim club jacket.
“I’m the worst brother,” he whispered.
Asahi squeezed him tight. “No you’re not. You’re the best. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.”
“Asahi, can you stay with me for a while?”
“Of course.”
~
He leaned against the bar at Akane’s diner and read the text from Kisumi again.
I passed .
Asahi tapped out his reply.
So this is for real? We’re going to college together?
Yes , Kisumi texted back.
“Who are you texting?” Akane asked, appearing behind the counter.
She lay a hand against the diminishing bump on her belly, a habit she’d formed when she was pregnant and hadn’t yet broken.
“None of your business,” Asahi said, sliding his phone into his back pocket.
Akane rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I can tell from the stupid look on your face that it’s Kisumi.”
“Shut up.”
He was accustomed to change, and the past year had seen some of the most major changes in his life, with his sister moving to Tokyo with Kon, taking over his family’s diner, and having Tsukushi.
And now.
“He’s going to Hidaka with me,” he admitted, blushing.
“He was scouted too?”
“No, he tested in.”
Akane raised an eyebrow. “So he chose the school whose swim team scouted you?”
“Shut up, it’s not like that. He’s taking a job nearby at his uncle’s realty agency.”
“Yeah, I’m sure that’s the reason.”
Asahi rested his head against the countertop. His heart drummed in his chest. He didn’t dare to hope that Kisumi had chosen Hidaka University to be closer to him. And even if he had, it was only because they were best friends, nothing more.
Akane ruffled his hair. “So when are you gonna tell him about your big crush on him?”
“It’s not a crush,” Asahi insisted fervently.
Akane always talked about his feelings for Kisumi like he was still that same middle school boy, staring into space as if the world had stopped moving around him. It was deeper than that. He was in love with Kisumi, truly and completely.
Akane laid her head on the bar so she was eye-level with her brother. “What would happen?” she asked. “If you told him?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted defeatedly. “I can’t take that chance though. He’s too important.”
Asahi had moved more times than he could count, made new friends, lost contact with old friends. But somehow he’d grown accustomed to Kisumi. Become dependent on his friendship. Kisumi was the only constant in his life.
He had heard people describe falling in love like being swept away by a tidal wave, but it wasn’t like that for him at all. Kisumi was the anchor that steadied him during the storm, keeping him from getting lost at sea.
~
“It’s not a big deal,” Kisumi said glumly. “It was just a game. What’s one more loss anyways?”
“It wasn’t just a game,” Asahi replied, wiping a tear off Kisumi’s cheek with his thumb. “It was your last game of high school.”
“Yeah,” Kisumi said wistfully.
“Don’t you want to be with your team right now?”
Kisumi shook his head. “You’re the only one allowed to see me like this.”
~
“Kisumi!” Asahi cried, pointing an accusatory finger at his best friend. “You knew Haru was here and you didn’t tell me?”
Haru lowered his head awkwardly and Kisumi barked out a laugh. “But aren’t surprise reunions more fun?”
“Is that how you’re going to explain away your betrayal ?”
Kisumi laughed again. “Makoto’s nearby too. He’s going to school not far from here,” he said, like it was a peace offering.
“I know ,” Asahi said pointedly. “ Haru told me. That’s why Haru is my new best friend.”
“You’re not my best friend,” Haru said flatly.
Kisumi laughed and Asahi swatted his shoulder.
“Will you quit that ugly cackling?”
“My laugh isn’t ugly.”
“It’s not,” Asahi conceded. “But your face is.”
“My face isn’t ugly either,” Kisumi said.
“No, it’s not,” Asahi replied.
“Have either of you ever had a normal conversation in your lives?” Haru asked.
~
Shallow waves lapped at his feet as Asahi walked across the sand, his jeans rolled up to his shins.
“This is my first time at the beach since Hayato’s accident,” Kisumi said.
“How does it feel?”
“It feels good,” Kisumi said. “I’m glad we came here.”
“Good how?”
Kisumi thought about it. “Like closure, I guess.”
It was a spur of the moment decision to tag along with Haru and Makoto to Iwatobi. The beach had been Kisumi’s idea, but Makoto didn’t like the ocean and Haru wouldn’t go if Makoto didn’t, so the two of them had split off to visit their old swim club. Asahi was okay with that. He would rather be here with just Kisumi anyways.
“Are we gonna visit your parents while we’re here?”
“I was planning on it. You’re coming with me?”
“Well yeah. My folks don't live around here. What else am I gonna do, visit Makoto’s parents?”
“My mom will be happy to see you,” Kisumi said. “She said to thank you for the kibidango, by the way.”
“That was months ago.”
“Well if she asks, I thanked you months ago.”
Asahi chuckled and shook his head, turning around and walking backwards to get a better look at Kisumi.
“What are you doing?” Kisumi asked.
“Nothing. Walking on the beach with you.”
“You’re gonna hurt yourself.”
“You won’t let me,” Asahi replied simply.
A light breeze hit them, and peach-colored waves danced around Kisumi’s head. It was the most beautiful thing Asahi had ever seen, and even if his love went unrequited forever, he’d still be thankful to have seen it.
~
It didn’t go unrequited forever. In fact, it was only a week later that Asahi found himself sitting across from Kisumi in the diner, stunned, the words I like you ringing in his ears. His heart hammered in his chest.
“You really don’t know?” Kisumi asked. He sounded timid—not like the Kisumi he knew at all.
“How could I know if you never told me?”
He’d wished and he’d hoped, but to know without being told seemed like an unreasonable expectation.
“Well you never told me either and I knew how you felt about me,” Kisumi countered.
His heart stopped.
“You know ?”
“Of course I know.”
Asahi felt hot under the collar. How long had Kisumi known? Had he known all along? How many years had Asahi wasted pining? If Kisumi knew how he felt, he had to know how difficult it was. And Kisumi could have ended his suffering at any time.
“It’s complicated.”
“What’s complicated about it?”
“You’re my best friend,” Kisumi said softly. “I didn’t want it to change.”
That’s when Asahi realized something about Kisumi that he’d never considered. Kisumi was afraid of change. He’d always thought Kisumi was so much braver than he was. It hadn’t occurred to him that he could fear something that was so commonplace for Asahi.
Change could hurt sometimes, but Asahi knew it was impossible to move forward without it. He was a big believer in moving forward, which was why he found himself on his feet, clutching Kisumi’s hands in his, trying to pour all of his feelings into one kiss.
Kisumi was the first to pull back. His eyes glistened.
Asahi reached up to tuck a lock of hair behind Kisumi’s ear.
“For the last five years,” he said firmly, “the only thing that hasn’t changed is how I feel about you.”
~
Akane gave Asahi a quizzical look as he floated across the room to Tsukushi’s bouncer. He scooped up his nephew and gave his head a long sniff.
“Tsukushi, you smell like baby shampoo and love.”
Tsukushi reached up and tugged on Asahi’s lower lip.
“What did Kisumi say to you this time?” Akane asked. “Your face looks even dopier than usual.”
Asahi grinned.
~
“A studio apartment would be cheaper,” Kisumi said, leaning into Asahi’s side.
“I’m willing to pay extra to not sleep in my kitchen.”
“Okay. One bedroom then. It’ll be harder to find in our price range, but it’s doable.”
“Well, luckily my boyfriend is in real estate.”
“Really?” Kisumi replied, feigning intrigue. “Is he hot?”
Asahi bumped his nose against Kisumi’s cheekbone. “You would not believe it.”
“Could you two be more nauseating?”
Asahi glanced across the table at Ikuya, who was glowering at them, arms crossed.
And yeah, maybe they’d momentarily forgotten he was there. But it was Ikuya’s own fault for volunteering to help them with their apartment search. He should have known there’d be some PDA, it was unavoidable where Kisumi was concerned.
“We can certainly try,” Kisumi replied, snaking a hand under Asahi’s shirt.
Asahi flushed. “Knock it off,” he said, pushing him away.
Kisumi laughed breezily, sitting up in his seat. “Isn’t he cute when he blushes?”
“I’m gonna kill you.”
“You like me.”
Ikuya rolled his eyes. “Realty is not sexy. You know that, right?”
“Listen, Ikuya. We all have things we like. You have sulking and being a killjoy. I have Kisumi.”
Ikuya rolled his eyes. “Why are you guys looking for a place now anyways? Graduation is only four months away. Why not wait until you have real jobs?”
“Because I want to give Akane space,” Asahi replied. “She has a growing family.”
“What about bathrooms?” Kisumi asked, leaning over the table to check his notes.
Asahi blinked. “It has to have a bathroom. That’s non-negotiable.”
Kisumi cackled. “I meant how many , doofus.”
“Who needs more than one bathroom?”
“Second one’s for deuces,” Ikuya deadpanned, stirring his coffee.
“If you’re gonna be vulgar, you can’t come over.”
“Like I want to.”
“Then why are you here?”
Ikuya sipped his coffee. Asahi gloated. Ikuya’s lack of response was a forfeit, and Asahi rarely won against Ikuya. Kisumi won all the time. Biting insults didn’t affect him.
Ikuya pointed a finger back and forth between Asahi and Kisumi. “You two pooped in front of each other yet?”
Asahi choked. “What? No!”
“Waiting until marriage?”
“More like never!”
“Then can you really call it love?”
Kisumi grinned. “It’s okay, babe. I’ll still love you if your shit stinks.”
Asahi narrowed his eyes. “I hate you both.”
“No you don’t.”
Asahi huffed. “No, I don’t.”
~
“Where’s Kisumi?” Makoto asked, sitting down next to Haru at their usual table. Or what used to be their usual table, back when they were in college and would hang out at Akane’s diner on a regular basis. These days, Asahi didn’t see much of Haru and Makoto.
“He’s not coming,” Asahi said, bouncing his leg nervously.
“This feels weird,” Ikuya said. “When’s the last time the four of us hung out?”
Strangely enough, Asahi did see a lot of the once illusive Ikuya these days. He was the only one of them who’d remained a regular at Akane’s diner after graduation.
“Why’d you call us here?” Haru asked.
Asahi reached across the table and grabbed Makoto’s hand, flattening his palm against Makoto’s bigger one.
“What the…” Haru said, pushing against the table like he was about to stand up.
“Your hands are about the same size as Kisumi’s, right?” Asahi asked, ignoring Haru.
He turned Makoto’s hand over in his.
“Is this why you called this meeting?” Makoto asked, resigned to whatever was happening.
“Yes,” Asahi said. “What’s your ring size?”
Ikuya choked on his iced tea.
“I don’t know. I can find out.”
“Yeah, do that,” Asahi replied. “Or better yet, just come with me to the jeweler.”
“So, to be clear,” Haru said, “you called the three of us here so you could ask Makoto for his ring size?”
“Oh, shut up, Haru. We never hang out anymore. You only came this time because Makoto’s here.” Asahi folded his arms crossly. “What kind of friend are you?”
Haru sighed. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you,” Asahi said with a sappy grin.
“He’ll say yes,” Makoto said, pulling his hand back. “Before you two even started dating, Kisumi told me he was gonna marry you.”
“He would tell you before me. That asshole.”
“Do you two even like each other?” Ikuya asked.
“What a dumb question, Ikuya.”
~
He planned to do it on their anniversary. He wore a black turtleneck, because Kisumi liked him in black, tight across the shoulders, because Kisumi liked that too. Kisumi wore a light blue sweater, and he looked good, because Asahi liked him in anything.
For their first anniversary, they’d gone to a fancy restaurant with snobby patrons and tiny portion sizes. They’d still been hungry afterwards, so they’d gotten crepes from a street vendor and walked through the park together. Every year after that, they skipped the fancy restaurant and went straight to the street vendor.
This was their fifth anniversary. Asahi had been dating Kisumi for five years and in love with him for ten. They strolled alongside a small, rocky creek with their dumplings, Asahi fiddling with the small leather box in his pocket as they walked. He’d picked this park for the fountain. There was a large fountain in the center of the park that lit up with colored lights in the evening, when the sun began to set. That was where Asahi wanted to do it.
“Are you done?” Kisumi asked. “I can throw your trash away.”
“What? Oh, yeah. Thanks.”
“You’re not tired, are you?”
“No, I’m fine.”
In truth, Asahi had never been more nervous in his life. His skin felt hot all over. He wondered if he was blushing.
Kisumi discarded their trash before taking Asahi’s hand, pulling him towards the arching bridge that led to the fountain. He stopped halfway across and grabbed Asahi’s chin, tilting it to face him.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m making sure,” Kisumi said, studying his face carefully. “You’re really okay? You’re a bad actor, you know.”
“Kisumi. I’m great,” Asahi said, leaning forward and capturing Kisumi’s lips in a kiss.
“Okay, good,” Kisumi said, taking half a step back. “Because I want you to be fully present for this.”
“Present for w…”
Kisumi knelt down on one knee in front of him, and Asahi’s breath got caught in his throat. He clutched the handrail to stop himself from falling over.
“What are you doing?” he choked.
Kisumi smiled sheepishly and ran a hand through his hair.
“I had this whole speech planned out,” he said. “But I forgot the whole thing as soon as we got here.”
“Kisumi.”
Kisumi reached into his pocket and pulled out a velvet box. “So can I just tell you I love you and we can tell people later that I said something really cool?”
Asahi dropped to the ground in front of him. Kisumi reached out and stroked his cheek.
“You know you’re beautiful when you blush, right?”
“You’ve mentioned it once or twice.”
Kisumi opened the velvet box and pulled out a dark silver ring. “I hope it fits,” he said, taking Asahi’s hand and slipping it onto his finger. “I used Rei’s hand as a reference.”
Asahi couldn’t help but choke out a laugh.
“So?” Kisumi said. “I know you’re gonna marry me, but you still have to give me an answer. It’s part of the experience.”
“You never asked, dummy. That’s also part of the experience.”
“Oh, right.” Kisumi cleared his throat. “Asahi Shiina, will you marry me?”
He meant to say yes, but what Asahi ended up saying instead was, “It was supposed to be in front of the fountain.”
Kisumi’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. “What?”
Asahi slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out his own ring box.
“What?” Kisumi repeated, stunned.
The golden band was a little bit loose on Kisumi’s finger. “We can get it refitted,” Asahi said, lacing their fingers together.
Kisumi’s eyes glistened. “What?”
“Marry me?”
Kisumi laughed. “Obviously,” he said, falling forward and burying his face in Asahi’s neck. “Yes.”
Asahi felt hot tears seeping through his turtleneck. “Same here,” he said. “Yes for me too.”
“The fountain was a good idea,” Kisumi said, his voice muffled against Asahi’s shoulder. “Let’s tell people we did it there.”
~
“You told Makoto you were gonna propose?” Asahi cried in disbelief. “ When ?”
Kisumi shrugged. “Like three weeks ago?”
Asahi pointed an accusatory finger at Makoto. “You knew! You already knew he was gonna propose when I told you I was going to!”
Makoto laughed. “What was I supposed to say? ‘No, Asahi, don’t propose, Kisumi’s already planning to?’”
“Well that’s…” Asahi lowered his hand. “Fair. I guess.”
“Kisumi, are you sure you want to marry this guy? You know he’s an idiot, right?”
“Ikuya, I’m gonna kill you.”
“I know he is,” Kisumi said, snaking an arm around Asahi’s waist. “But he’s my idiot. Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of him.”
“I hate you,” Asahi muttered.
“You don’t hate me.”
“Fine I don’t,” Asahi conceded. “But I hate your sense of humor.”
“No you don’t.”
“Fine I don’t.”
Haru rolled his eyes. “Good lord, are you guys still doing that?”
“Shut up, we’re adorable,” Kisumi said, giving Asahi a quick peck on the cheek. “I’m gonna go say hi to Sousuke.”
“‘Kay,” Asahi replied, watching Kisumi’s back as he walked away.
This was the most crowded Asahi had ever seen his sister’s restaurant. Granted, it was closed for an engagement party, but Asahi was in awe nonetheless. He’d always accepted change, always expected to grow apart from people, but tonight he was amazed to see just how many people from his past had managed to find their ways back into his life. He had friends from middle school, high school and college all in one place. His college swim team captain was having an animated conversation with Kisumi’s little brother. One of his friends from high school was playing with Asahi’s niece and nephew. Akane was laughing with one of the guys from Haru and Makoto’s high school swim team, no doubt recounting embarrassing stories from his childhood, as that was her favorite subject when it came to Asahi’s friends.
“Hey, how do we always end up at this table?” Ikuya asked. “This place is packed and we still somehow ended up at the same table as always.”
“It’s our table,” Asahi replied simply. “It’s permanently reserved for us. You’re sitting in the spot where Kisumi and I had our first kiss.”
“Why would you tell me that? It’s creepy that you told me that.”
“It’s not creepy! You’re creepy!”
“Aren’t you supposed to be mingling or something?” Haru asked. “This is a party for you, right?”
“You’re probably right,” Asahi said, scanning the room for Kisumi.
“ Not with Kisumi. You’re gonna see Kisumi every day for the rest of your life.”
Asahi spotted him leaning against the bar, talking to some old school friends. “I sure am,” he said, standing.
~
Their wedding wasn’t traditional, but it wasn’t legal either, so what did it matter? All that mattered, Asahi would tell the guests later, was that all of his friends and family were there. But if he was being honest, all that really mattered was the man standing in front of him, peach-colored locks dancing in the wind, dress pants rolled up to his calves as the water lapped at their feet.
Tears rolled down Asahi’s cheeks, and he didn’t care that everyone could see him, because he’d never been happier.
Kisumi didn’t cry during the ceremony, but he’d cry in the hotel room later, when the two of them were alone together.
Asahi wasn’t afraid of what would come next. As long as Kisumi was with him, he knew he could handle it. Change might come in waves, but Asahi had an anchor.