Chapter Text
When Cassie is young, she is happy. Her mothers golden curls bounce in the wind and her fathers laughter is contagious. She stares out the window with her parents and tries to find the stars in the smoggy night sky. Much like the child she is, she thinks that this is it. This is how life will be forever.
She's four.
Gotham isn't that kind. An older her looks back now, and remembers how she searched the sky for stars. A habit she never grew out of as even now she'll look up and hope that once, just once, she'll see a pinprick of light pierce through the darkness. The only light she has in her life now is a message that was whispered through her mothers lips. The answer to needless cruelty. It's the advice her father gave her before he left her behind. A lot of people leave her behind.
Be kind
It's the only light she has in the darkness she's found herself in.
"I'm sorry," the gun shakes in her hand.
...
Her story starts with yelling. Screaming matches that last all day and all night. Voices so loud that the volume slowly cracks the fragile layer of naivety all children are born with. Little cracks that eluded to a bigger picture. Even at four Cassie knows she doesn't want to think about it, doesn't want to see, doesn't want to understand what the picture means. She can try to ignore it. She can cover her ears. She can curl into a ball. She can hide in her room but deep down she knows that this, the yelling, won't last forever.
Be kind.
Screaming turns into hitting, turns into slammed doors, turns into mummy crying alone in the kitchen. Daddy had stormed out again and won't be back till tomorrow. Her mummy sits alone at the kitchen table with a dark bottle that hangs limply in her hand. It's from the high shelf. Cassie's four and she doesn't know what she's meant to do. Her stomach grumbles and her mouth is dry. She's hungry, and she pulls at her mummy's skirt.
"Can I have something to eat please?" she asks her very quietly.
Her mother wipes her eyes with her free hand and smiles gently down at her. Something about that smile is wrong and icky but Cassie doesn't know what she meant to do fix it.
"Just give me a minute Cassie mummy just needs a moment."
She doesn't want to say that the moment never ends. That the moment hasn't ended since the last time she said it. But she's scared. She's scared that if she pushes too far her mummy won't want to get her food. Scared that her mommy won’t look at her. Daddy comes home the next day like she expected. The dark bottle that hung loosely in her mummy's grip slips and shatters on the kitchen tiles.
The yelling starts again.
She's four and a half, and the fragile wall of naivety is cracked so badly she's scared it'll cut her when it comes crumbling down. The Gotham air is particularly cold today and all she has is her ratty jumper to keep her warm. A loud thump comes from the front of the house and she trots towards the front door. Daddy is screaming at mommy who's clutching her cheek and crying on the floor. Cassie flinches from where she's hiding behind the heater in the hallway when her daddy finishes yelling and slams the door behind him. He won't be back for a while, his trips away have been getting longer and longer. When Cassie's lonely she likes to sit in front of the door and wait for him to come home. Just like a dog. Cause she knows that he always comes home. Always. Mummy is still laying on the floor with a hand on her cheek and a distant look in her eyes. Cassie pulled on her skirt once again. She's hungry, she just wants some food, that's all...
Looking back Cassie wonders if she had let her mother be, would things have been different?
Probably not.
Her mother had given her another smile and Cassie hated how she hated this one the most. She hates how it's the last smile she'd ever see from her mother.
"Mummy just needs a nap then she'll feed you."
...
Mummy goes into her room.
...
Mummy doesn't come out.
...
The sun went down long ago and Cassie had been sitting patiently at the table waiting. It feels like she is always waiting but, what else is she meant to do? She doesn't want to wake up her mummy because she's been so tired recently, and waking up tired people isn't kind so she can't do it. But... she is really hungry. She chews her lip in thought. It isn't good to wake tired people so she can’t. With her resolution decided Cassie stops chewing her lip and opens the fridge herself. She spots an old looking apple and takes a big bite, its very soft and tastes like paper but it's more than nothing. She heads to bed happy even if her tummy rumbles for more. Besides she can't be hungry if she's asleep. She'll have breakfast in the morning. Mummy never skips breakfast.
The memory of golden curls becomes mixed with hanging feet as Cassie stares blankly at her mummy hanging from the ceiling. The wooden chair is laying on the floor a little to her mummy's left and the morning light makes her glow like an angel, and Cassie knows. She knows something is wrong. It's wrong how slack her face is. It's wrong how all she can see is the ghost of smile on her mummy's lips.
This is the first body Cassie ever see’s.
...
Her daddy comes home three days later.
He isn't happy.
Cassie's hungry.
Be kind.
...
Cassie is five today and her daddy is taking her to an amusement park. He grips the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles look like they're going to pop, but that doesn't stop the big grin spreading across her face. Since mummy had died, daddy hadn't really... done anything. He spent most of his time sitting in the wooden chair mummy had knocked over and stared where she had been hanging. In better news, Cassie had learnt how to cook! She also figured out how to get on the kitchen bench to use the sink for water. The only issue she's really had is that her daddy hadn't been grocery shopping and the last meal she had 'cooked' was peanut butter on five crackers.
"Thank you!" she blurts out, and her daddy raises an eyebrow. His grip on the wheel relaxes.
"Thank you for what?" he asked curiously.
Cassie gives him a funny look, "for taking me to the park for my birthday silly!"
Daddy blinks in confusion before his eyes widen in a realisation, Cassie ignores the sinking feeling in her stomach.
"You're welcome."
She brightens and knows that she can't stop the conversation now. This is the most they've talked in weeks.
"I've been doing what you mommy said to do!" she said quickly. Again her father looks confused.
"What's that?" he asks as he pulls into the amusement park car park.
She started to wonder if maybe her daddy had hit his head. "To be kind."
His grip on the wheel has become a bony white once more as he parks the car. He stares at her in horror and she doesn't understand why. They sit in silence for a while before she decides it's about time to unbuckle and have the best birthday ever. Her daddy grabs her arm before she can.
"Cassie. I, whatever happens you remember that alright. You remember to be kind. To be good," he tells her oddly seriously. She blinks trying to understand what he means and why he's saying it. Be kind? Be good? What did that even mean? They get out of the car and proceed to have the best birthday a five year-old Cassie would ever remember. Until she loses daddy. He's gone and no matter how hard she looks he can't find him. Tears fall thick down her face and she clutches a cute bird plushie. It's grey and has a funny yellow hat, her daddy had won it for her. After two hours a family notices her and takes her to the front desk where they call the police.
...
It's only after the sun goes down that Cassie realises that her daddy isn't coming back and so does everybody else. She holds the plushie tightly as she's taken in a police car to a grey building with a tall and spiky metal fence.
She'd been left behind.
The layer finally shatters and digs into her heart like a thousand little pieces of glass.
A woman greets them at the front door. She's tall and stick like with a bun that pulls back her wrinkles, her lips look like they’re permanently curled in distaste as though they'd just sucked on something sour. She glares at Cassie like Cassie had committed the foulest crime in all of Gotham.
Cassie sees a child sneak into the kitchen. The gangly woman also spots him and they are forced to follow her. She hits the child and scolds them for eating outside of meal time. Cassie feels the tears fall down her face. She sees how thin the boy is and looks up to the officer. He’s clearly uncomfortable but he’s not doing anything. It hits Cassie then why her father had said those words that day.
She has to be kind.
The boy was crying now too.
Has to be kind where others weren't.