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Buck held the phone to his ear with his shoulder as he moved around the station house kitchen, pulling out pots and pans. It was his turn to cook on shift but had forgotten the enchilada sauce recipe that Abuela had at his place, and he couldn’t help but smile at having an excuse to call the older woman.
The phone rang almost through to voicemail, but finally Abuela answered with a cheerful, “Buck, mijo!”
Buck couldn’t help the grin that stretched across his face. “Hi, Abuela. How are you?”
“I’m good, I’m good! How are you? Why are you calling from the conference?”
Buck stilled for a moment, completely thrown. “What?”
“Your firefighter’s conference, silly. Eddie felt so bad that he had to drop Christopher off for a week on such short notice, what with Carla being out of town, but I told him to never mind it! I’ll never complain of extra time with my grandson, and when the boss says to go, you go.”
“Right, exactly,” Buck supplied; dinner completely forgotten as he glanced down to the fire station floor where Eddie was currently cleaning the truck.
“So, how are you? Having fun?” There was a pause, and then, “Is everything okay?”
Wanting to tamp down her worry, all while trying to ignore his own, he responded hastily. “Everything’s fine! We, uh, we have a kitchen, and I need you to send me your sauce recipe. For me to cook. In the kitchen. At the hotel.” He winced at his own awkwardness, thankful that no one was around to witness it.
“Of course, mijo, not a problem! I’ll send it right over. Love you, my dear, and give Edmundo my love, yes?”
“I will,” Buck replied, eyes still not straying from Eddie’s form. “Thanks again, Abuela.”
With that he hung up the phone, wondering what the hell had just happened. Wondered why the hell Eddie had lied to his grandmother, wondered why in the world he had lied to get his son out of the house, the son Eddie undoubtedly loved more than anything. If it had been for a night, Buck might have been able to brush it off as something benign, but a week? More than that, what was going on in Eddie’s life that he hadn’t told Buck about?
He was frozen, mind racing, trying to figure out when he could pin Eddie down (unfortunately, not literally, a small part of his mind supplied) and force the man to talk. He couldn’t care that there would be hell to pay for not starting the meal, not even being able to focus on his obligations.
When he blinked, trying to break himself out of his stupor, he noticed that Eddie was no longer standing where he had been. He glanced around the parts of the station house he could see, but before Buck could find him, the man in question came walking into the kitchen with Hen and Chimney at his side. Buck tried to catch Eddie’s eye, trying to see if he could figure out what was wrong with just a look, but Eddie’s head was bowed as he listened to Hen about plans she wanted to make with the kids. “What about tonight, after shift?” Hen asked.
“Sorry, Christopher and I have a movie date tonight,” Eddie replied with a tired smile, though Buck wasn’t sure if anyone other than him recognized it as being tired. The other man was a good actor when he wanted to be, but Buck had learned to read between the lines.
And what he was reading now caused Buck’s gut to clench again in worry, so much worry that he felt like his throat was closing up with it. It wasn’t just that Eddie had lied to his grandmother, or apparently even that he was lying to Hen—though both of those facts made Buck’s stomach churn—but it was the exhaustion that had seemed to drape itself over Eddie’s shoulder like an unwanted cloak. If Buck hadn’t known that something was wrong before, he would have just by seeing that.
He was frantically trying to school his expression before Eddie made eye contact with him, but before he could do anything else, before he could even plan on how to get Eddie to talk to him, the alarm rang out through the station. Saved by the bell, even when he didn’t want to be.
--
Buck wasn’t able to catch Eddie during the rest of their shift, as they seemed to hop from one call to another. Mind made up to grab the other man as soon as they returned to the station, Buck found himself at a loss even then as Eddie slipped out the station doors like a ghost. He had seen Eddie standing at his locker, and Buck had been heading that way when Hen called out a goodbye; he turned briefly to give her a wave, and when he had looked back at the changing room, Eddie was gone.
Not wanting to waste any more time, not when he knew something was wrong with his best friend (the man you’re in love with, his brain unhelpfully corrected), Buck rushed through his own end-of-shift routine so he could get to Eddie that much sooner.
When he’d been in the station, he’d been as calm as he could be, having something else to focus on, a plan to put in motion. Once he was in his Jeep sitting in traffic, though, there was nothing to stop all his anxieties from coming to the forefront of his mind, and each reason he came up with for Eddie’s lies just made him more heartsick than the last. Once his brain had worked itself up to the point of holy fuck, Eddie must be dying, he clenched his shaky hands at a stoplight, and tried to rationalize himself back to an even level.
He tried running back through the day’s calls, trying to give himself something else to think about when his mind flashed back to a house fire they’d been called to earlier, a house fire where it had seemed that Eddie took an unnecessary risk with his own safety by turning back to look for someone inside, with a broken radio and low oxygen. Though it had turned out fine, it hadn’t felt fine in the moment. That was just piled on top of the fact that Buck had barely paid attention to the call, so consumed by whatever Eddie was hiding. Looking back at it, though, Buck felt like puking as he realized that risky behavior was all too reminiscent of Eddie during his fighting phase.
Buck hadn’t noticed any bruises, any split knuckles, and he thought he would have been the first one to notice with how often he stared at Eddie when the other man wasn’t looking, but maybe he had just gotten better at hiding them. It was the only thing Buck could figure out made any sense, the only reason he would want Christopher out of the house, the only reason he was lying about his evening plans.
By the time he parked at the Diaz house, Buck was a jittery mess. He was out of his car almost before he’d remembered to put it in park, almost running to the front door. Eddie’s truck was there, so Buck pounded on the door, wanting to make it shake as hard as his whole body seemed to be.
He was reaching up to smack the door again when it finally swung open partially, revealing Eddie standing there in just a pair of lowriding sweats. Normally the sight would make Buck ache with want, but all he could do now was trace his eyes over Eddie’s exposed chest for any injuries.
“Buck? What are you doing here?”
But Buck didn’t answer, finalizing his catalogue. When he didn’t see anything, he couldn’t help the sigh of relief that escaped him. “You’re not fighting again.”
“Excuse me?” Confusion was warring with annoyance on Eddie’s face, and if the situation didn’t feel so fucked up, Buck could have laughed. “Of course I’m not. What are you doing here? It’s late.”
“Can I come in?”
That seemed to throw Eddie for a moment, and he glanced over his shoulder for a moment, before pulling the door a little more closed and leaning on the side of it. “Now’s not really a good time, Buck.”
Buck did laugh a little at that, because if Eddie thought that Buck was somehow going to leave after the former had been that cagey—even without the extenuating circumstances—he had another think coming. “Yeah, no, I’m coming in.” Then, without leaving room for argument, Buck simply pushed past his best friend, forcing his way into the front entry of the house, leaving Eddie no choice but to move back.
“Buck, what the hell? I told you—”
He had planned to do this better, ease into the conversation, but now that he was here, he couldn’t stop himself from cutting the older man off. “How’s the conference, Eds? Going well?”
Immediately, Eddie blanched before schooling his features. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“No? So you didn’t tell your grandmother we’re at a last minute firefighters conference? I can just come in and say hi to Christopher, join in on movie night?”
“Buck—”
“Unless the next words out of your mouth are going to be telling me what the fuck is going on, I don’t want to hear it.” With that, he made his way further into the house, where shock made him stop short.
The room was a mess. Not just messy, although it was that too despite Eddie’s normal habits, but almost unrecognizable in its current state of destruction. There was broken glass on the floor, strewn about,, and the remains of what looked like a couple of plates mixed in. After a moment, Buck whirled around to face Eddie, who was studiously looking at the floor. “The fuck, Eddie. Explain.”
“It was just a bad night, okay? Leave it, just go home.”
A desperate laugh made its way out of Buck’s throat. “You’re crazy if you think I’m going anywhere. One bad night doesn’t have you lying to your son, your abuela, our coworkers, and one bad night doesn’t make your house look like the dishes went to war!” Eddie flinched back, but Buck didn’t even register it as he was looking down at Eddie’s bare feet. “I’m cleaning this up, you just…just stay there, okay? We don’t need to add blood to whatever is going on.”
Without another word, Buck spun on his heel and moved towards the kitchen, where he knew the broom and dustpan lived. He spent so much time in this house that he knew it as instinctively as his own, something that benefited him now as he moved on autopilot to clean up the shattered glass. He didn’t know how to fit all the parts of whatever-this-was into his head, his heart. Didn’t know the path to fixing it.
When he returned, Buck could feel Eddie’s gaze flit to him, linger for a few moments, and then disappear, could feel the tension rolling off the older man, but he didn’t speak. Finally, after Buck had swept up all the shards and thrown them away, he sat on the couch, and stared expectantly at Eddie until he moved slowly to do the same.
“Eddie, what the hell is going on? Talk to me.” Eddie just shook his head before staring blankly at the floor, curling his hands into fists. That didn’t stop the shaking, though, the fine tremors that Buck could see where he was sitting. Without overthinking it, Buck reached out and placed his hand over one of Eddie’s, squeezing gently. “Talk to me,” he repeated again, softer. “Please. Why’d you send Christopher away?”
Silence reigned, but Buck knew better than to push this time, could see that whatever fortifications Eddie had thought he’d needed to keep up were coming down. Finally, Eddie spoke quietly. “I couldn’t keep waking him up.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“I…” Eddie trailed off, his free hand absently reaching up and to rub at his left shoulder. “That tunnel collapse rattled some things loose in my brain, Buck. I was fine, for the first little bit, but one night…I absolutely scared the shit out of Christopher. I was screaming in my sleep, didn’t wake up until he came in and shook me awake. I could have hurt him, Buck, when he touched me, but thankfully my brain was still telling my body that I was in too much pain to move. Since then, they haven’t stopped. Unless I wear myself out to the point of basically passing out, every night I’m stuck in Afghanistan. I’ve either gotten better about screaming or he’s just not coming to wake me up, but either way, it’s taken a toll on him. He needed to get away from me for a bit.”
And fuck if Buck’s heart wasn’t breaking into a thousand pieces, from Eddie’s confession, from the broken tone in his voice, from the fact that Eddie was so trapped in his past that he felt like he had to send his own son away. It was all he could do to keep the tears in his eyes from spilling over. “What happened tonight?”
“I’ve been so tired, Buck, and I felt like I could fall asleep, take a nap, but I was only out for maybe ten minutes when it all started. Even after I woke up, I still felt like I was there, and the plate was in my hand before I knew it. Figured it was better than finding someone to hit me,” he added with a wry uptick of his mouth.
“Not funny, Eddie.” Buck paused for a moment before asking quietly, “Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“Not much to be done, and you were dealing with enough shit. With Red, and all.”
“That’s bull and you know it. You can always talk to me.” The whole time, Eddie hadn’t stopped rubbing at his shoulder, leaving a trail of red under his thumb. Suddenly, Eddie’s earlier comment about being in pain clicked in Buck’s mind. “Did you...were you wounded over there?”
Eddie nodded absently, gaze going distant as his hand finally froze. “My helicopter went down one night during transport, and I got shot three times getting everyone out.”
“Three?”
“Yeah,” Eddie replied, eyes still more vacant than Buck was comfortable with. “Shoulder, leg, wrist. Dislocated my shoulder, broke a few other bones.”
“You could have bled out,” Buck murmured, trying not to picture it in as great of detail as what his brain was currently supplying.
“If air support hadn’t have come when it did, it wouldn’t have mattered. We’d all have been dead in the next few minutes anyway.”
“Eddie—”
Something about Buck’s tone put some life back into Eddie’s eyes as he shifted to face the younger man. “Hey, Buck, it’s okay. I may not have been totally prepared for my first tour, but I sure as hell knew what I was getting into when I re-enlisted. I saw a lot of shit over there, a lot of fucked up shit, that time I just wasn’t on the sidelines.”
“Doesn’t mean it was easy,” Buck countered.
“No,” Eddie replied, voice quiet and sad. “No it doesn’t.”
“This is how you got the Silver Star?” At Eddie’s nod, he continued. “I’m sure that talking about all of that for Christopher’s show and tell didn’t really help.” Eddie didn’t respond, and Buck just squeezed his hand tightly for a moment. “I’m so sorry, Eds. You shouldn’t have to be dealing with all of this, especially not by yourself. And you shouldn’t have to send Chris away.”
“No, he shouldn’t have to see me like this, Buck. I just need to get past it.”
“Yeah, and how’s that working out so far?” Buck didn’t mean for his tone to be so sharp, but seeing Eddie so broken down was killing him. “How long are you going to keep him away?”
“I’m doing what I can, alright? I had Frank recommend a therapist that specializes in helping vets and I had my first appointment the other day, and I’m—”
“Hey, no I’m sorry,” Buck cut him off, guilt already drowning him. “I just hate this, I don’t want it for you.”
A wry grin slid over Eddie’s face. “I don’t really want it either, Buck.”
Buck’s mind was now already racing ahead, trying to find a solution, a plan, anything to help ease the pain of the man sitting behind him. “What have you done in the past to help?”
“Honestly, my nightmares haven’t been this bad in years, not since I first came back from my last tour. Generally, they’ll just be sporadic.”
“Okay, so what’d you do back then?” And then, even though he didn’t like bringing her up, Buck added on, “What did Shannon do?”
“Nothing,” was Eddie’s quiet response after a moment. “She didn’t really know what to do to help, and she was going through so much with her mom being sick again. For the first couple months, while I was healing up, I slept on the couch so I wouldn’t wake her. Between all three gunshot wounds, I wasn’t able to help a lot with Chris physically when I first got back. I didn’t really think I could be keeping her up all night long just because I was stuck in my own head.”
Buck’s heart ached for past-Eddie, suffering alone and feeling like he couldn’t burden anyone else with his issues. Clearly not much as changed, he thought sadly. “Okay, well then we’re just going to have to figure something out.”
“Buck, you don’t need to worry about me. I’ll get through this, I’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, no, that’s not how this works, Eddie,” he replied quickly, hoping his tone left no room for argument.
And evidently it didn’t, as Eddie just rolled his eyes and shook his head slightly—but he didn’t take his hand out of Buck’s, he was pleased to note. The next sentence out of Eddie’s mouth made Buck less happy though. “We both have the early shift tomorrow, so you should head out.”
“I’m good here, if it’s all the same to you.”
“Buck—”
“I’m not letting you go through this alone, okay? Even if that means that you just know there’s someone else in the house with you for when you wake up.”
“Buck—”
“I’m borrowing a pair of sweats, go take a shower or whatever you want, and I’ll be on the sofa, okay?”
It took everything in Buck not to say that he was going to sleep in Eddie’s bed, if only to be a comforting presence that much closer, but he didn’t know how welcome it would be. Knew how he felt about Eddie, but not how the older man felt about him. He thought there were signals, sometimes, thought there were indications that Eddie felt the same, but he wasn’t willing to risk their friendship over a guess, especially not right now when Eddie needed his support without any confusion over romance coming into play.
So he made up the couch, settled himself in, gave Eddie a hug goodnight, and fell asleep waiting for the chance to be useful to the man who had given him so much.
--
Buck had fallen asleep anticipating being woken up by Eddie at some point, but not with a cup of coffee and a shake to his shoulder in the morning. It took him a few seconds to collect himself, but when he saw Eddie standing above him, he couldn’t help but exclaim, “You slept!” As soon as he let the words slip out, though, Buck took a look at Eddie’s face and reconsidered his statement. If anything, the other man looked even more tired than he had the night before. “You didn’t, did you? Did you sleep at all?”
Eddie opened his mouth, but Buck could tell that whatever he was about to say would have been a lie, so he just leveled a glare at his best friend. “I tried, I promise. I caught myself slipping into a flashback almost as soon as I started drifting off, so…”
Buck waited for him to finish his sentence, but when he didn’t, Buck motioned with his hand. “So what?”
“I went for a run.”
“You went for a run. In the middle of the night. Please tell me you at least came back and slept then.” Buck was cursing the fact that he was a heavy sleeper off-duty at this moment in time, hating that he hadn’t woken up.
“Sure, I came back and slept then,” Eddie responded, face carefully blank, tone carefully neutral.
“I swear to god, Diaz, you did come back and at least try to sleep, right?” Buck growled out.
“I went for a drive, okay? It’s more exhausting to be dreaming of war than to actually just not sleep. I sure as hell slept better in an actual fucking war zone than I am right now.”
Buck quickly set aside the terror that momentarily froze his heart at the idea of Eddie at war, never mind that he hadn’t even known him then, that it wasn’t something that was going to happen again. Quickly set it aside to think about at a later point, or, really truly, never, and focused back on the conversation at hand. “Eddie, you can’t go on like this. How are you even going to make it through shift?”
But Eddie just rolled his eyes, clearly brushing off Buck’s concern. “First off, I’ve been operating on completely irregular sleep patterns since I first signed up, so I’m not that worried. Secondly, see my first point.”
But Buck could see through Eddie’s glibness, could see the tired way he held himself. “You should call out.”
“No.”
“Eddie—”
“Get up, shower’s all yours.”
--
Usually a slow day at the firehouse meant plenty of downtime. Downtime meant time to relax, hang out, and most importantly, it meant time to sleep on a 24 hour shift.
Sleep that it killed Buck to know Eddie wasn’t even going to try to get.
He wanted to grab Eddie, drag him into the bunk room at a quieter moment as the night wore on, but he knew that the older man would fight him tooth and nail. Not only because Eddie wouldn’t want to even bring his issues up at the firehouse, but also because Buck knew his best friend wouldn’t even want to try to sleep and answer embarrassing, if well-meaning, questions when the inevitable happened.
But it still killed him. Buck didn’t know how he didn’t notice Eddie’s exhaustion before this, but now that it had been brought to his attention, Buck just wanted to wrap Eddie in a hug and spirit him away somewhere private and safe.
Ever since he had realized that he not only loved Eddie but was in love with Eddie, Buck pretty much wanted his hands on the other man at all times. Unsurprisingly, a lot of the time that desire came with the corresponding desire to kiss him, to lick into his mouth, discover how he tasted, but just as much of the time, it was like this. A desire to hold and protect, to simply be close. When he knew that Eddie was in trouble of some sort, it was the latter that got dialed up to ten.
But he knew that this wasn’t the time or the place to do any of the things that he wanted, he needed to. Things that he thought Eddie might want too, if he was reading the signs right. So instead, he forced himself to get some sleep so that he could be prepared for the next night—because he was going to make sure Eddie got some sleep of his own. Even if he didn’t know how yet.
He had finally decided that he would take Eddie to breakfast after their shift, spend the day doing relaxing things, before trying to help him wind down that night, but his plans immediately got derailed when Bobby pulled him aside just as he was about to follow Eddie out the station doors. His face apologetic, Bobby had let him know that someone on the upcoming shift had had to call out for the first half of the shift, and would he be able to stay, just until this evening?
Buck wouldn’t have truly argued, but any pushback died before he could open his lips when Bobby added, “I was going to ask Eddie, but it seemed like getting out of here would do him good. He doing okay?”
Buck just smiled tightly, watching Eddie’s form disappear into his truck. “Think he’s just not sleeping too well, Cap,” he responded, not wanting to lie to Bobby, but also not willing to outright tell the truth and break Eddie's confidence.
Buck’s response must not have been as comforting as he hoped, because Bobby still looked slightly troubled as he focused back in on Buck. “Okay, well keep an eye on him, will you?”
He nodded with a sigh, not bothering to tell Bobby that he planned on doing that for as long as Eddie let him.
--
Buck’s leg was bouncing in the car as he sped towards the Diaz residence. He had been texting with Eddie on and off during shift, but that neither tamped down Buck’s concern for the other man nor his need to see him.
He moved quickly when he finally pulled up, this time not bothering to knock but rather use the key that Eddie had given him so long ago. As he pushed the door closed behind him, he called out. “Eddie?”
“Kitchen!”
Buck was all set to ask Eddie how he was doing when he rounded the corner, drank in the sight in front of him at the kitchen sink, and swore the amount of skin on display removed the filter between his brain and his mouth. “Do you even own a shirt anymore?”
Eddie flushed and glanced down at his bare chest. “I spilled coffee and couldn’t be bothered to go change.”
Before he could let his libido run away with his self control, Buck focused back on what Eddie was saying. “I sincerely hope you meant coffee from like, when you got off shift this morning and you’ve just spent all day half naked, because you one thousand percent do not need to be drinking caffeine this late. It stays in your system for up to eight hours!”
Eddie had at least the grace to look a little sheepish. “Buck…”
“Eddie, you need to sleep! Caffeine this last is not going to help that.”
Eddie folded his arms across his chest and leaned back against the counter, a slight frown on his face. “That was sort of the point,” he muttered.
“Seriously, Eds?”
“I had shit I needed to get done, Buck, and a house that needed to get cleaned. I didn’t have the time, or the energy, to try to take a nap and just wake up more exhausted, okay?”
Buck held up his hands in surrender, immediately feeling guilty. “Okay, sorry.”
Eddie blew out a breath and rubbed a hand across his eyes. “No, I’m sorry. I know you’re just trying to help. I’m just not good at—”
“Accepting it?”
The older man snorted quietly. “Yeah, basically.”
“Well, you’re going to have to deal with that because Operation: Get Eddie to Sleep is a go as of right now, and you don’t really have an option.” He ignored Eddie’s raised eyebrow, and kept barreling on. “So first off, you are going to go take a relaxing shower. Hottest water you can stand and at least ten minutes, get it?” The raised eyebrow faded into an eye roll and a smirk, but he didn’t argue, just nodded and clapped Buck on the shoulder as he turned and walked towards the master suite.
As soon as he heard the water running, Buck ran back to his car and grabbed the bag he had left in there earlier. Once back inside the house, he pulled out a candle that he had borrowed from Maddie’s on the way over. Not only had he spent much of his extended shift texting with Eddie, but he had also spent a lot of time chatting with his sister to compile a list of relaxation techniques—one of which was a hot shower with a calm balsam scent in the background. He quickly lit it and cracked the bathroom door open to set it on the counter, trying desperately hard not to think about Eddie being naked a few feet away.
He slipped out before he could be tempted to linger and risk being caught hovering (leering, in all honesty), and grabbed the sweats and comfy t-shirt that he had also brought with him. Moving on autopilot, he went around the room and collected what he knew were Eddie’s softest boxers, sleep pants and shirt, and then quietly slipped them into the bathroom too.
Once done, he quickly performed his own nighttime ritual with the toothbrush Eddie kept here for him, finishing and plopping himself down on Eddie’s bed just as the water shut off.
He could hear movement in the bathroom, anxiety ticking up just slightly as he waited for Eddie’s reaction to the next part of his plan. That anxiety lessened just slightly, though, when Eddie finally came out of the bathroom looking tired, but a little softer. “You made it more than ten minutes, good work.”
Eddie smiled at him, running a hand through his damp hair. “I don’t often get to do that, so thanks. And uh, for the candle too. And the clothes. I didn’t even hear you come in.”
“Let’s just say in my 1.0 days I got pretty good at sneaking in and out of rooms quietly.”
A quick emotion passed across Eddie’s face, one Buck might have classified as jealousy on anyone else, but then it was gone with a quirk of his lips. “Hilarious. Anyway, I’m assuming you’re staying, so do you want me to help you make up the sofa?”
“Yeah, so here’s the thing. Having someone around when you’re having nightmares can be really soothing, right? When you would stay over after the ladder truck, it helped just knowing you were downstairs if I needed you. But if I go sleep on the sofa again, you’re just going to do what you did last night because you’re you, and I know you. You might try to sleep but you probably won’t, and any longer of this and you’re going to run yourself into the ground. So we’re bunking up tonight.”
“Buck—”
Before Eddie could protest, Buck cut him off with a quiet, “Trust me on this, Eddie.”
Eddie didn’t reply for a moment, studying the floor. It was taking everything in Buck not to fill the silence, when finally a hushed, “I do trust you,” filled it for him. Buck was about to respond when Eddie continued in the smallest, most heartbreaking tone. “But I don’t know if it’ll be safe for you. I could react physically, I could hurt you, and I wouldn’t forgive myself for that. I couldn’t. The chance of me sleeping is not worth that.”
Before he could stop himself, Buck reached out and grabbed Eddie’s arm, dragging him forward to stop right in front of where he was sitting, startling the older man into meeting his eyes for just a second before his gaze dropped back to the floor.. “Eds, look at me.” When Eddie didn’t move, Buck let his hand slip down to Eddie’s wrist—the bad one, the scarred one, he could see it now that he was looking—and tugged on it gently. “Eddie.” Finally, Eddie met Buck’s gaze, but once again didn’t remove his hand from Buck’s grasp, the latter was pleased to note. Bolstered by this, Buck slowly rubbed his thumb back and forth across the section of silvery skin. “You’re not going to hurt me, and even if something did happen, it would be an accident.”
“But—”
“No, no buts. For me, helping you sleep, helping you find some peace, that’s worth everything, okay? You suffering? That’s what isn’t acceptable here.” Then without giving him any further room to argue, Buck simply stood up and pulled back the covers, pushing Eddie down onto the bed before he could react. With a stern glare that let Eddie know under no uncertain terms was he supposed to move, Buck moved around and got into the bed on the other side, turning off the light as he did so.
A hush settled over the room, the hum of the air conditioner the only noise for a moment. It was weird to Buck for a moment how not weird it was being in bed with Eddie. He had dreamt of this, but had always thought that the first time they slept in the same bed would be awkward, shyness coming from one or both of them. But it just felt normal. Normal, safe, and most of all, good.
So once more, without stopping to doubt himself, Buck reached for Eddie’s hand under the covers, squeezing it tightly. “I’ll be here when you wake up, okay?”
“Okay,” Eddie mumbled back, voice already tired, hand still clasped tightly in Buck’s.
--
“Greggs!!” It was the desperate cry that woke Buck up before he even noticed Eddie’s uncoordinated movements next to him. It took a minute to rouse himself completely, but as soon as he did, he took in his best friend’s disheveled state in seconds: sweat plastering his hair to his forehead, muscles locked painfully tight, tear tracks stark in the moonlight. “No, Greggs,” Eddie sobbed loudly again, and that was enough to spur Buck into movement.
Bearing in mind what Eddie had said earlier about potentially hurting Buck, the younger man stayed as far back as he could while also reaching over to shake Eddie’s shoulder—not because he was worried about potential pain, but never wanting to leave something else weighing on Eddie’s conscience. “Eddie, wake up, come on.” When Eddie simply let out another moan, Buck shook him again, and repeated himself louder. “Wake up, Eddie, you’re okay.”
Eddie’s light sleeping habits worked out in his favor this time, because that was all it took for him to shoot upright in bed, breathing quickly and panickedly. Buck acted on instinct, and immediately pulled Eddie into a tight hug. “It’s okay, breathe, you’re okay, you’re safe.”
“I-I couldn’t get him, I c-couldn’t save him,” Eddie cried brokenly, voice muffled where it rested against Buck’s chest.
“Shhh, it’s okay, you’re okay.” He knew he was somewhat out of his depth here, only knowing bits and pieces of Eddie’s army history, even after all this time.
“I couldn’t get him, and now he’s gone, and t-they’re right, I’m just g-going to drag him d-d-down with me.”
“Eddie, babe, breathe for me, okay? You’re going to hyperventilate, it’s okay.” Buck didn’t know who he was, if they were even the same person, but for now, he just needed Eddie to calm down before he passed out. So he just pulled the shaking man even closer, impossibly closer, to his body, running his hand soothingly across his back. “Just match your breathing with mine, okay? In, two, three, four, and out, two, three, four.”
A couple of minutes went by like this, with Buck just counting slow breaths, before Eddie was finally able to come back to himself enough to start mimicking the pattern and slow his breaths down. It was almost another ten minutes before he could tell that Eddie felt like he’d gotten some control back, because the older man started to pull away, out of a misguided sense of embarrassment, Buck was sure. But he wasn’t going to let him, not unless it was what Eddie truly needed. “Just stay, okay? Unless you actually want space, just stay.” He waited a beat until Eddie shook his head and relaxed just a fraction back into Buck’s hold. “Do you want to talk about it?”
He fully expected Eddie to say no, to brush it off, to clam up, but he was surprised when Eddie actually started speaking. “When the helicopter crashed, we were transporting a few wounded back. The one who was worst off probably would have survived if we’d gotten back to camp, but he died in the crash.”
“Was this Greggs? You shouted his name,” Buck added gently, fingers not stilling in their movement through Eddie’s hair.
Eddie gave a short, tight nod. When he spoke, his anguish was clear. “He had three daughters, and I couldn’t save him.”
“But I’m guessing you still got his body?”
“How’d you know?” Eddie asked quietly.
“Because I know you, Eds. A couple of nights ago, you told me you got everyone out—I know you well enough to know by now that you meant everyone. So that stuff you were saying before, about dragging him down, it’s nonsense, okay? The army teaches some fucked up things, but I know you did everything you could for him, and it’s not your fault he died.” Eddie went dead silent, and for a moment, Buck was worried that the other man was upset that he had insulted the Army, so he hastened to correct himself. “I’m sorry if—”
“It wasn’t the army, Buck. It was my parents.”
Buck was immediately confused and angry. “They told you that about Greggs? What the hell?”
“Not about Greggs,” Eddie responded, voice almost completely flat. “About Christopher.”
If Buck thought he was angry before, he was beyond livid now. Eddie must have felt his body tense because he started to open his mouth to say something, but Buck cut him off at the pass. “Where the fuck did they ever think they got the right to say that to you? You’re an amazing father, and they had the fucking nerve to—”
“Buck, it’s okay,” Eddie’s voice was still emotionless, and it made Buck even angrier that Eddie had somehow clearly resigned himself into believing this. “After Shannon left, but before we moved out here, I was working three jobs and I didn’t see him enough, I wasn’t doing enough to be a good dad. They wanted to take him full time, and I probably should have let them, I’m not good enough, I’m too messed up, I had to lie and send him away.” He was rambling and tears were starting down Eddie’s face by this point, and Buck couldn’t take it anymore.
He pushed Eddie back just enough so that he could look at him directly, the movement startling the other man enough to force him to take a breath. “Enough, okay? That’s bullshit. I know what bad parents look like, Eddie, and you—you’re not one of them. You weren’t one back then. I know you carry a lot of guilt for not being there for Christopher when he was little, but even then you were serving your country. You didn’t just fuck off to somewhere fun to avoid responsibilities. And working three jobs to support your kid? That doesn’t make you a bad father, furthest fucking thing from it, okay?” Eddie glanced away for a moment, and Buck ducked his head to re-catch his eye.
“Every single day you devote yourself to that kid, Eds, and you love him so much that he’s never in doubt of that. The fact that you’re dealing with some shit right now, it doesn’t change any of that. In fact, you took away a source of comfort for yourself by sending him away because you didn’t want it to affect him, so there is no dragging of anyone anywhere. Your parents can go fuck themselves, alright? Respectfully and—and you know what, no, no respectfully, they can go fuck right off, you’re an amazing dad.”
There was still insecurity lurking in Eddie’s eyes, and so Buck pulled him closer again, dropping a kiss onto the top of his head. “You got to trust me here, Eddie. I wouldn’t lie to you, especially not about something like this.”
Buck almost missed Eddie’s quiet whisper of, “I know,” but didn’t miss the slightly louder, “Thank you, for being here. For doing this for me. For believing in me. I’m not good at saying that a lot, or letting you know how important you are to me, and I know I haven’t always been there when you need me—“
“Eddie, no—“
“—but I want you to know, need you to know that I don’t take you for granted. I’ve never told anyone what my parents said before, and I wouldn’t tell anyone else. I wouldn’t have let anyone else be here tonight.”
It was like the dark and the high emotion of the moment had unlocked something in Eddie, letting him be more comfortable in sharing these things than Buck had ever seen before. “I know you don’t take me for granted, Eds.”
“Do you? I think sometimes we all take your support, your goodness for granted, and I just. What you said just now, I think it’s something I needed to hear for a long time and something no one has ever told me. Everything you’ve done tonight has meant the world and I just need you to know that you are just as deserving of that, okay? I just need you to know I love you, okay?”
The words took Buck’s breath away. It wasn’t that they hadn’t been thrown around before, most often after a tough shift, a I love you, man with a soft clap on the back, but this...this wasn’t that. Even without a modifier placed on the end, the tone, the intention was clear, and it was beyond anything Buck had ever been expecting and more than he could believe. “Eddie, you’re tired and out of it, you don’t mean that.”
Buck could see hurt flash through Eddie’s eyes before he looked away and neutralized his expression. “I am tired, but I do mean it. I’m not expecting anything from you, and I didn’t tell you because you needed to respond any specific way. And if you’re uncomfortable and need to leave, if you need time and space, that’s fine, I just. I just needed to make sure that you knew someone cares about you so much that if you need any of what you gave me tonight, I’ll be there for you.”
Buck knew that he needed to refute what Eddie just said, he was so much more than comfortable but it was like the shock had disconnected his brain from his mouth. At Buck’s continued silence, though, Eddie stiffened and made to pull away, and the younger man was ever so grateful that his brain was still in the driver’s seat, because he instinctively tightened his hold and pulled Eddie back in.
Finally, Buck’s power of speech came back online. “Don’t go, don’t ever go. Not ever, because I-I’m in love with you too.”
Eddie’s gaze shot up to meet Buck’s, expression stunned. He was about to open his mouth to question it, Buck could tell, because damn their combined insecurities. Before he could, though, Buck closed the remaining distance between them, pressing a kiss to Eddie’s lips.
He was going to keep it chaste, meant to have it be sweet and short, but the feel of Eddie’s lips against his wiped all of that out of his brain—and Eddie’s too, if the way he groaned and pulled Buck closer at first contact was any indication.
The kiss turned more heated, Eddie doing something with his tongue that Buck couldn’t wait to have repeated for the rest of his life. Eddie’s hands were in his hair, his own hands were running down the planes of a torso he’d never thought he’d get to touch, and it was only when air became too much of a necessity that they broke apart, panting.
A tired grin instantly broke out on Eddie’s face, and Buck couldn’t help lightly kissing the smile. “God, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
“If it’s anything as long as I have, then I think I might,” Eddie replied quietly. Buck could still see the toll this night, and those before, had taken on the older man, but there was a lightness to him now that there wasn’t before. “I’m not ever going to be glad to be having these nightmares, but if this is what comes out of it, I think I can make my peace with it.”
Buck nodded, humming in agreement, and placed a light kiss on Eddie’s lips. “Me too.” Then, with one more slightly longer, slightly dirtier kiss, he pulled back and let his best 1.0 smirk slide across his face. “And you know, for however long this lasts, I’m sure we can come up with more fun ways to wear you out before bed.”
--end