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It was a stupid fight. That's what Albert was thinking as he stormed away from his and Race's flat. He couldn't even remember what it was about, that's how dumb it was.
What he could remember though, was the words they screamed at each other. The hatred that was laced in Race's voice as he screamed another petty comment. Or the disgust in his own voice as he responded to them.
That was the problem with their relationship. Both got angry too quickly sometimes. And that just ended up leading to another fight. Another screaming match that ended up with them both in tears. Well, Albert didn't cry often. Only when he got overwhelmed. Anger never led to that, so Albert just watched Race cry, still finding more things to yell at them over.
Albert had known Race for too long. That was part of the problem. They'd grown up together, having been best friends since they were seven years old, and falling over on the playground.
He could still remember the first time he saw Race cry. They'd fallen off the swing - a frequent occurrence - and grazed their knee. Albert had helped them to the nurse, squeezing their hand tightly while she cleaned it up.
They only got closer after that. And Albert quickly learnt that Race cried quite a lot.
After a failed exam that they had to take home to their parents. Albert had hugged Race as they cried, knowing he couldn't do much. He understood Race's fear, since his own parents weren't much better.
Or when Race came out as genderqueer, and wore a dress in front of Albert for the first time. They had been shaking so hard, Albert had thought something awful had happened. They just about got the words out before bursting into tears. Albert held Race tightly that night, and wiped away their tears.
That was the night they realised they might not just be friends. Race cried after their first kiss too. It was impulsive, but the best decision he had ever made.
It was the day Race got adopted, and was finally out of the toxic household. The kiss was tentative. Albert was terrified of getting rejected at first, but when Race kissed back, gentle but still passionate, he felt like nothing could ever hurt him.
That wasn't true. His mum came home an hour after Race had left. But those moments they shared, curled up on a bed, talking about whatever dumb shit Race's adhd brain liked to come up with, was enough
Albert didn't see Race cry for a while after that. They seemed so much happier, and that made Albert feel so much happier.
It was only a week after his dad had kicked his mum out. Finally getting him and his two older brothers away from the abuse they had endured in the toxic household.
He got a call from Jack. Which was odd, as Jack never called him. Sure they got along well, but Jack had always been a texter. Tears immediately streamed down his face as Jack told him Race was in hospital, having not eaten for two weeks.
That was the first time Race had seen Albert cry. They saw Albert crying softly beside them, squeezing their hand tightly when they woke. It didn't take long for Race to be in tears too, as he apologised to Albert. He remembered that day all too clearly.
It changed their relationship. Getting Race to eat something every day became part of Albert's routine. They'd sit at the table holding hands, as Race tried to eat an actual meal. Albert didn't mind doing this though. The other option was inpatient, and he knew Race didn't want that.
They worked on it, and Race did get better. After a while they looked less frail, looked like they could stand without collapsing again. It was like Albert had the love of his life back again.
The arguments started during their first year of college.
Living together was very different, which was something neither of them had factored into their plans. Race stopped eating again. That was a common cause of their arguments.
All Albert wanted was to see his boyfriend not try and end his life by refusing food. But no, they couldn't agree on that one. He always tried to be patient with Race. Understood that things had happened in their past that affected the present.
The fact that Race had an eating disorder, and struggled with suicidal thoughts and ideation was something he'd come to term with.
But that didn't seem to work the other way around.
When everything got too loud, and Albert cried in the corner of his room, shaking with fear, Race wasn't around.
That was the first time they slept alone in two years. Albert in a bed, which just felt cold without another body. And Race on a bench near the bridge by their apartment.
It wasn't long after that that Albert met Finch. They got along so well straight away. Both coming from difficult households, that had caused a lot of internal issues.
Finch knew what to do when Albert experienced sensory overload. And Albert knew what to say when Finch needed reassuring. They both let each other know they weren't a burden, and that having a few issues was okay.
Albert and Race started drifting after Race ended up in hospital for the second time. He could still remember their cries as they were forced into inpatient. That was something that would stay with him forever.
Finch was there for Albert while he sobbed knowing he couldn't see Race for too long. He held him tightly, until Albert could breathe again.
That was the second time they slept alone, both doing far more crying than sleeping.
Finch started walking him to and from classes, staying over sometimes when Albert was afraid to be alone.
When Race was let out again, their closeness continued. Which sparked more arguments. Race had abandonment issues, Jack had told him that a long time ago, but Albert had never needed to understand it.
As part of Race's therapy, they both started talking about their problems instead of shouting about them. Race's other brother joined their college soon after.
Little Romeo put Race in a much better mood. Soon they were eating for Albert again, and was home every evening, just wanting to be in Albert's arms.
He knew it would only last for so long, but for the six months it did last Albert was grateful. He learnt a balance between Race and Finch, he learnt a lot about himself too.
Talking became something they were both good at. Even though they were both mentally ill stressed out students, life became okay.
Until another argument. Albert still couldn't remember what had started it. But when the tempers flared, neither of them could stop.
He knew they were both sleeping alone tonight. Race in their bed, crying all night, because sleeping just wasn't an option when the bed was empty. And him sleeping on someone's sofa probably. Just waiting for the darkness to pass so they could work out their issues.
Albert walked around the lamp lit city for hour upon hour, his mind too busy to empty. He only stopped when he reached the bridge. The water below was always calm and peaceful, and Albert could understand why Race used to stand here when they were having a bad day.
He realised then he was almost home. He didn't really want to sleep on someone's sofa again, so Albert walked the rest of the way. His bag had his key in it, so Albert quietly entered their apartment.
Race's cries couldn't be heard, which made Albert slightly hopeful. Maybe he had blown this argument out of proportions in his head, maybe Race wasn't that bother at all. All hopes were shattered when Albert saw Race's body, collapsed on the bedroom floor, a piece of paper in their hands. He called the ambulance first. Trying to keep the tears at bay as he stared at his boyfriends limp body. Then he took the note.
*
Albert
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't do this to you, not after everything you've done to help me.
But the fights are always too much. And for you to say you don't love me, I'm not sure if I can keep going.
You've been with me since day one Albie, and I couldn't have asked for a better person in my life.
You were the first person to stick by me. Even though I have a list of issues longer than my leg. And I will never forget that.
You taught me the meaning of family. Then the meaning of love.
I love you so much Albie, I always will do, but I hope you understand that sometimes life is too much.
Keep going.
Keep striving for everything you deserve in life. Because I was not what you deserved, you always deserved more. And I definitely didn't deserve you.
I hope you know how wonderful you are.
I think you forget sometimes, because I can't always express myself like I want to. Instead I cry, and wait till I can.
I don't want to say goodbye to you, so I'll say see you later.
Go and live out your life, then come and see me.
I love you Albie, Race
*
Albert was crying by the time the paramedics arrived. The argument came flooding back, and he couldn't believe he'd let himself say something so stupid.
He held on tightly to the note as he got in the ambulance. Almost as tightly as he held onto all the happy memories. All the times he'd seen Race smile. Or time where they'd both laughed so hard they had cried.
He'd never realised what a silly emotion hope was. Albert was only hoping two things right now. That these memories wouldn't be all he had left, and that he wasn't too late.
He would be sleeping alone for a long time if he was.