Work Text:
EPISODE 1
DIMITRI: Is it turned on now, Sylvain?
SYLVAIN: Has been for a while now, your highness. Felix, is yours working alright?
DIMITRI: Oh!
FELIX: [grunts]
INGRID: It’s working fine, Sylvain. All mics functional.
SYLVAIN: Nice. We all set now then?
DIMITRI: I believe so! Thank you again, Sylvain.
FELIX: Why are we doing this again.
SYLVAIN: Hush, Fel. It’s too late, you agreed to it.
INGRID: Take it away, Dimitri.
DIMITRI: With pleasure. Syl-
[THEME SONG PLAYS]
[ARTIST UNKNOWN – EDGE OF DAWN]
DIMITRI: I’ll admit, that still takes me by surprise...
SYLVAIN: Oops, sorry, should’ve given you a warning.
DIMITRI: It’s fine.
FELIX: Can we get this moving?
DIMITRI: Right! My apologies.
DIMITRI: Welcome to the first episode of Azure Moon: an advice show for-
FELIX: Show, really?
DIMITRI: Er-
SYLVAIN: You can call podcasts shows.
FELIX: Last I checked, shows had to have audio and visual aids.
SYLVAIN: Well, if we have any lady listeners out there, feel free to envision any visual aids that can capture the essence of this sexy voi- Ingrid! That hurt!
INGRID: [clears throat] As Dimitri was saying, welcome to the first episode of Azure Moon: an advice show or podcast- whatever you like to call it- for regular people having not-so regular problems. I’m one of your hosts, Ingrid.
SYLVAIN: [claps] And I’m Sylvain.
FELIX: They can’t see you winking, idiot.
SYLVAIN: It’s the thought that counts. Introduce yourself, Fel!
FELIX: [sighs] I’m Felix.
DIMITRI: And I’m Dimitri! Thank you for tuning in to us.
SYLVAIN: We’re just a couple of best friends from all walks of life-
FELIX: [scoffs]
SYLVAIN: - who decided why not start a podcast? So here we are! Hope you all enjoy!
DIMITRI: That’s a rather condensed version of what happened, isn’t it?
SYLVAIN: It’s fine, Dims. Let’s save our tragic backstory for later. Now, shall we just get started? Ingrid?
INGRID: [hums] In my hands right now is my phone which-
FELIX: Do you really have to narrate everything?
INGRID: Of course I do, Felix. How else will the listeners know what’s going on?
FELIX: I don’t know- common se- mmph!
SYLVAIN: Carry on, Ingrid!
DIMITRI: Listeners, Sylvain has just clamped a hand over Felix’s mouth.
INGRID: Anyway! I’m currently scrolling through questions we’ve received from you, dear listeners-
SYLVAIN: Drop some more at [email protected]! Or on twitter at @AzureMoonPod!
INGRID: ...Right and- ah! Here we are, the first one. Dimitri, would you like to do the honors of reading our first question?
DIMITRI: Thank you, Ingrid. This was sent by Petra from Brigid- oh, hello, Petra! She asks:
I have recently moved to a new country and am having a hard time adjusting to its slang. There are terms I am not quite understanding and my friends have insisted I am better off not knowing their meanings because they “want to keep me pure.” I do not understand this either, but my question is: how can I learn the meaning of these words?
And, oh, there’s a list. Let’s see, what ar- [sputters]
SYLVAIN: Dims, you ok? Let me s- holy shit.
INGRID: Language!
SYLVAIN: Ok, first of all, Petra, you are, in fact, better off not knowing what any of these words mean. Second, I have my own question. Where the hell did you hear them in the first place?
INGRID: Is it that bad? Can I-
DIMITRI: Yes.
INGRID: ...
INGRID: Petra, I swear to you, I will end whoever let you hear these words.
SYLVAIN: Oh boy.
FELIX: Let me see.
DIMITRI: Petra, we advise you to, under no circumstances, ever look up any of these words. Please. For your sake.
SYLVAIN: Keep using your own words. Everyone loves you as your pure, sweet self. Please stay that way.
INGRID: I agree with the sentiment.
FELIX: I don’t see what’s so bad about some of these.
SYLVAIN: Are you serious.
FELIX: Yeah, what’s so bad about bel-
DIMITRI: Please don’t say-
INGRID: Sylvain, turn off his mic-
[TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES TUNE]
EPISODE 2
[***]
DIMITRI: We have decided to filter our messages in light of the events of the first episode’s first question.
SYLVAIN: I can’t believe this is because of Petra, oh my god.
EPISODE 3
[***]
INGRID: This is was sent by Lucina from Ylisse. Hello, Lucina! She writes:
My father is a busy man. We rarely have time for each other these days. We used to be close when I was a child, but I can’t help but feel we’ve grown apart now. How do I restore our bond?
SYLVAIN: Oof, a heavy one.
DIMITRI: Quite.
SYLVAIN: Want to take this, Fel?
FELIX: Why me?
SYLVAIN: I mean, among us, you have the best relationship with your father.
FELIX: That’s bulls- stupid.
INGRID: Your father would be hurt to hear that.
DIMITRI: But he wouldn’t be surprised.
INGRID: Well, true.
SYLVAIN: You’d really downplay your relationship like that, Fel? After he’s attended all your fencing matches?
FELIX: Stop.
SYLVAIN: After he’s bragged about you to all our parents?
FELIX: I said stop.
SYLVAIN: After he bought you tickets to Annette’s co-
[muffled sounds]
DIMITRI: Felix!
SYLVAIN: Fu-
[muffled sounds]
INGRID: Felix, get off him!
[TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES TUNE]
EPISODE 4
[***]
FELIX: Obviously the wyvern.
SYLVAIN: But it has the mind of a pegasus.
INGRID: Pegasi are quite smart, Sylvain.
SYLVAIN: But-
FELIX: Exactly, and wyverns are built better. It’d be perfect. Body of a wyvern, mind of a pegasus.
SYLVAIN: Hey, I’m pretty sure wyverns are smart too.
INGRID: Wait. How exactly are wyverns built better? Riding a pegasus would be much more stable. Wyverns are... flighty.
FELIX: That’s what the wings are for, yeah. And wyverns are much more threatening. A pegasus is essentially a horse with wings. You think people will cower at the sight of that than of a wyvern?
SYLVAIN: You’re forgetting this pegasus would have the mind of a wyvern. So the wildness of that thing in a pegasus’ body... makes you think.
FELIX: I already said wyverns are built better-
INGRID: I’m sure the wyvern could make use of the pegasus’ natural weapons-
FELIX: What? Its face?
INGRID: Excuse me-
SYLVAIN: You’re saying that like wyverns are so good-looking-
DIMITRI: Thank you Tana from Frelia for the lovely question:
A pegasus in the body of a wyvern or a wyvern in the body of a pegasus?
You’ve succeeded in making Ingrid, Felix, and Sylvain fight over mythical creatures.
EPISODE 5
[***]
FELIX: Stab him.
INGRID: No-
@edelgardvonhresvelg
Why is my brother’s podcast doing so well
@sylvainhoesegautired
@edelgardvonhresvelg
bc we rule ;>
@dimitriblaiddyd
@ edelgardvhresvelg
Thank you for your support, Edelgard! :D
EPISODE 7
[***]
FELIX: How hard is it to tell the truth?
DIMITRI: I mean, when someone’s feelings could be hurt-
SYLVAIN: A woman’s, no less!
INGRID: I’m sure the fact that it’s his mother is more important, Sylvain.
SYLVAIN: Right!
FELIX: Just tell her she’s off-key for god’s sake.
DIMITRI: [chuckles]
FELIX: What are you laughing at, boar?
DIMITRI: It’s nothing, Felix.
FELIX: What is it?
DIMITRI: ...I just find it ironic how hard you’re pushing for Shigure to tell his mother the truth about something like this, but when we were children, you’d bawl your eyes out before admitting to Glenn you broke anything of his.
INGRID: [laughs]
SYLVAIN: [snickers]
FELIX: You-! Why would you-
SYLVAIN: Oh, remember the snow globe?
INGRID: That was quite the memory.
FELIX: Shut up. All of you.
SYLVAIN: You wouldn’t stop crying for days until Glenn came home and when you finally did tell him the truth, you did it from behind Dimitri!
DIMITRI: Even when we were kids, you’ve always had a rather tight grip.
INGRID: That explains how the snow globe broke so easily.
FELIX: I hate all of you.
DIMITRI: Well-
INGRID: No, you don’t.
SYLVAIN: No, you don’t- oh my god. Listeners, you can’t see this, but our wittle Fewix is bwushing!
FELIX: I’m leaving.
INGRID: No, you’ve disrupted our podcast once, you’re not going to do it again.
SYLVAIN: Leave and we tell Glenn.
FELIX: That’s supposed to make me stay?
DIMITRI: At least stay until we answer the question, Felix.
FELIX: Fine. Shigure from Valla, just tell your mother she’s getting rusty. The truth will set you free and all that shi-
EPISODE 9
[***]
SYLVAIN: Big milestone today, listeners!
DIMITRI: Yes, we’ve just received our first sponsorship deal!
[sound of party poppers]
DIMITRI: Those were louder than I thought they would be...
FELIX: This shouldn’t count.
INGRID: Yet it still does.
SYLVAIN: Take it away, sponsor!
[AD MUSIC]
RODRIGUE: Hello there, young folks! Are you tired of-
EPISODE 10
[***]
DIMITRI: I mean, all things considered, I suppose using a lance as a pole vault could be possible.
FELIX: In what universe?
EPISODE 12
[***]
SYLVAIN: He should ask her out soon!
INGRID: But he says his friend hasn’t shown any indication of reciprocating his feelings! This could make their friendship awkward!
FELIX: This is rich from you, you’re usually all for telling the truth.
INGRID: Your sarcasm isn’t helping, Felix.
FELIX: It wasn’t supposed to.
SYLVAIN: Ingrid, they’re childhood friends. It can’t get any sweeter than that. Back me up here, your highness.
DIMITRI: Er, well-
INGRID: Hold on, you say that as is if all childhood friends are supposed to fall in love. Need I remind you that I have never held feelings for you? For any of you, in fact.
SYLVAIN: Wow, ok, hit me where it hurts, but that wasn’t my point!
INGRID: Get to it then.
FELIX: Get on with it.
SYLVAIN: Pushy muc- ow! Alright, alright. I’m saying look at what Alm sent. It’s like an entire essay of mushy childhood stories. They have history. And come on! Some of these anecdotes clearly show that Cel-
DIMITRI: He asked us not to say her name, Sylvain.
SYLVAIN: - that his friend feels the same-
FELIX: He could be deluded.
SYLVAIN: ...What.
INGRID: Oh.
FELIX: These are written from his standpoint. For all we know, he could just be romanticizing everything-
SYLVAIN: I mean, I’m sure he’s probably not doing it on purpose-
FELIX: Intentionally or not, he could just be making a big deal out of nothing-
SYLVAIN: Hey, but-
FELIX: This girl could want nothing to do-
DIMITRI: Now, now, Felix. Let’s not antagonize our listener. You may have a point, but I’m sure Alm only has good intentions. And we’re supposed to be helping him, remember?
SYLVAIN: Yeah, what he said!
FELIX: Sure.
INGRID: Listeners, Felix just rolled his eyes.
SYLVAIN: So what’s our verdict then? I still say he should go for it. I’m telling you guys, there’s something there.
INGRID: I say he should wait for confirmation. There’s too much at risk.
FELIX: I don’t care.
DIMITRI: ...Perhaps we should return to this later? Let’s read the next question in the meantime.
SYLVAIN: Ingrid, you know I’m right.
INGRID: [sighs] No one knows anything for sure, Sylvain.
FELIX: Are you really the right person to turn to for romantic advice?
SYLVAIN: [gasps] You wound me, Fel.
FELIX: Tragic.
SYLVAIN: You’re no fun.
DIMITRI: Ah, here we go! This question was sent in by Celica- oh, what a coincidence.
SYLVAIN: Are you serious?!
DIMITRI: It says so right here.
INGRID: ...But the location is different, it couldn’t be...
FELIX: What happened to not giving anything away?
DIMITRI: Ah, right, Felix. As I was saying, this was sent in by Celica from Zofia. She writes:
I’ve been thinking about confessing to my friend for a while now... I’ve liked him since we were kids and my feelings have only grown stronger as time has passed-
SYLVAIN: This sounds familiar.
DIMITRI: ...As Celica was saying:
I look up to him a lot and I treasure our bond more than anything which is why it scares me to think of the consequences that him potentially rejecting my feelings would bring-
INGRID: See, she’s sensible!
DIMITRI: ...Ingrid.
INGRID: ...I’m sorry.
SYLVAIN: [snorts]
FELIX: Keep reading, boar.
SYLVAIN: No way, are you actually interested?
FELIX: I Just want this over with.
DIMITRI: [clears throat] Again, as Celica was saying:
So I’m at an impasse. My feelings have grown too obvious to hide now, but is it really smart for me to risk it all just for me to feel relieved of hiding this from him?
What do you all think I should do? Oh, if you need more information to advise me properly, I’ve gone embarrassingly into detail on what kind of guy my friend, Alm -
Oh.
SYLVAIN: ...
INGRID: ...
FELIX: ...
DIMITRI: ..Alm, Celica, we all think it would be for the best if you both confessed.
@fearthedeer
ah @AzureMoonPod solving problems and bringing hearts closer <3
makes me want to start a podcast what do you think @hildahilda ?
@hildahilda
@AzureMoonPod @fearthedeer
as long as you do all the work :3
@AzureMoonPod
@fearthedeer @hildahilda
Untag us.
@fearthedeer
@AzureMoonPod @hildahilda
guessing that was felix
EPISODE 14
[***]
DIMITRI: We have a special episode today, everyone!
SYLVAIN: That’s right, the long awaited getting-to-know-us-better episode.
INGRID: ...To clarify, we’ll be using this episode to answer frequently asked questions you have sent regarding us, the hosts, to our Twitter and email.
FELIX: Because giving out our personal information to strangers is smart.
SYLVAIN: Well, we won’t be answering anything damning, come on, Fel. We’re smarter than that.
INGRID: You mean Dimitri and I are smarter than that. We’re the ones who filtered the questions after all.
SYLVAIN: Right!
DIMITRI: Shall we get started?
SYLVAIN: Shoot.
INGRID: Lissa from Ylisse is one of many who has asked:
What inspired each of you to create and contribute to this podcast?
DIMITRI: Ah.
SYLVAIN: Dims, want to take this? It’d only be fitting.
DIMITRI: I thought as much. Well, Lissa, before the first episode, I had just finished going to therapy.
[sound of clapping]
DIMITRI: Thank you, Sylvain. I was inspired by how much it actually helped me and wanted to be able to do the same for others in any way I could. Of course I wasn’t foolish to assume I could recreate something as complex as therapy, but I thought a place where people could conveniently ask for help regarding their problems, no matter how small they may be, would be nice. And I’m quite happy with how this played out. Several of you have left us kind comments and thanks about how this podcast has helped you or allowed you to relax and enjoy. Really, that was the whole point of it.
SYLVAIN: Isn’t he a sweetheart, folks?
DIMITRI: Sylvain, please.
INGRID: No need to blush so much, your highness.
DIMITRI: ...Proceeding, I told Sylvain of my intentions and he suggested this platform and offered his help. I asked Ingrid and Felix afterwards if they wanted to join in and they did.
FELIX: I was coerce-
SYLVAIN: I wanted in because It sounded fun and Dims needed a tech guy!
INGRID: I thought Dimitri’s motivations were admirable and wanted to help too.
SYLVAIN: [hums] Well, there you have it. Next question! Read it, Fel.
FELIX: Why do I have to?
INGRID: Because you’re the only who hasn’t read anything.
FELIX: ... [grumbles] Sakura from Hoshido and a bunch of others asked:
Where did the name Azure Moon come from?
SYLVAIN: Oh, don’t know if any of us has mentioned it, but we’ve all known each other since we were kids.
FELIX: Surprise, surprise.
INGRID: Azure Moon was the name of the imaginary kingdom we all served.
SYLVAIN: [laughs]
DIMITRI: [chuckles] Those were good times.
SYLVAIN: Dims was our king- hence us calling him your highness, I know several people have been curious about that- because he wasn’t allowed to play with sharp things lest he cut off his luscious hair.
INGRID: [giggles]
FELIX: [snorts]
DIMITRI: Sylvain-
SYLVAIN: Ok- god, you blush a lot, your highness. It’s adorable. [laughs] The real reason was that Dims’ dad was just really protective. I mean, so were Fel’s and Ingrid’s, but the difference between them and Dims here is that they’re waaaayyy more sneaky.
FELIX: That is to say, the boar is a horrible liar.
DIMITRI: Well... I can’t deny that.
SYLVAIN: There you have it!
[***]
INGRID: Felix calls Dimitri boar because one of our adventures consisted of our king being turned into a monster.
SYLVAIN: And he hasn’t stopped calling him that since. Isn’t that sweet, dear listeners?
FELIX: It’s not.
DIMITRI: You do sound rather fond when you say it, Felix.
FELIX: I hate you.
[***]
SYLVAIN: I’m glad you asked! My number is-
INGRID: Next question!
[***]
SYLVAIN: [snickers] Edelgard from Adrestia asks:
Why does my brother have such a lovely shower voic-
DIMITRI: Edelgard, I told you not to send anything in!
[***]
FELIX: Yes, I would most likely agree to a fight at a Denny’s parking lot at 3am provided that whoever challenged me intends to fight fairly.
SYLVAIN: ...Do you really think someone who wants to fight you at a Denny’s at three in the morning plans on playing fair?
FELIX: ...Good point. Ingrid?
INGRID: Drop your details and Felix and I will meet you at your chosen Denny’s.
DIMITRI: Please don’t do this.
@itsbaltie
@AzureMoonPod the denny’s by the university next saturday at 3am
@hapiness
@itsbaltie @AzureMoonPod
we told you not to go through with it
@AzureMoonPod
@itsbaltie
you’re on
@savageyuribird
I’m selling popcorn next Saturday at the Denny’s by the university at 3am.
DM if you want to reserve a bucket.
@fearthedeer
@savageyuribird
check your message requests
EPISODE 16
[***]
INGRID: Ike, why not change how you dress?
FELIX: They both have blue hair, how is that going to help?
INGRID: Well, Ike says he and his coworker, Marth dress the same too. Maybe if he altered his fashion sense slightly, people would stop confusing them for each other, blue hair or not.
DIMITRI: That’s a valid point.
SYLVAIN: Poor Ike though, why does he have to be the one to adjust?
INGRID: Well...
DIMITRI: I’m sure there’s an alternat-
FELIX: Fight him. If you win, he’s the one that has to change his look. Tell him to bleach his hair for all we care.
DIMITRI: Felix!
SYLVAIN: ...I mean, it would make things fair.
INGRID: I can’t deny that.
DIMITRI: Isn’t there a more peaceful way?
SYLVAIN: Oh, if you even think about it, a fight would alter their appearances.
FELIX: See.
INGRID: I can’t believe this is actually something we’re considering.
DIMITRI: Ike, please do not fight Marth.
SYLVAIN: But if you do, please send us a video.
EPISODE 17
[***]
INGRID: Those are some of the brands I use, Maribelle. I highly recommend them.
SYLVAIN: ...
DIMITRI: ...
FELIX: ...
INGRID: Why are you all so silent?
SYLVAIN: ...Nothing...
DIMITRI: We just keep forgetting you use make-up now, Ingrid.
SYLVAIN: Yeah, what he said.
INGRID: ...It’s been years. Mercedes, Annette, and Dorothea taught me.
FELIX: We didn’t actually think you’d keep using it.
INGRID: I’ll admit, I didn’t expect it either, but it grew on me eventually. Dorothea in particular was very persistent.
SYLVAIN: That’s... nice.
INGRID: You don’t sound too happy about it.
SYLVAIN: It’ll just take more time to get used to
INGRID: ...Again, it’s been years.
EPISODE 18
[***]
DIMITRI: Since a lot of you keep asking, yes, Felix and Ingrid won the fight at Denny’s.
@itsbaltie
@AzureMoonPod ingrid and felix BARELY won
@savageyuribird
@itsbaltie @AzureMoonPod
I have footage. DM your price.
@hildahilda
@savageyuribird @itsbaltie @AzureMoonPod
yuri claude said to unblock him he wants that footage
EPISODE 20
[***]
SYLVAIN: Now, like we announced on our twitter: @AzureMoonPod- follow if you haven’t wink, wink- we have two guest hosts this episode!
DIMITRI: If you didn’t see the announcement, unfortunately, Felix and Ingrid are busy with personal affairs as of recording this.
SYLVAIN: Not to worry though! Nothing serious. Felix just has a very important fencing thing going on- spam his twitter with well-wishes, he’s @felixfraldarius- and Ingrid has horse-back riding.
DIMITRI: They insisted that it would be alright to record without them in the interest of following our usual schedule.
SYLVAIN: Mhm! So without further ado, give a warm round of applause to our guests, Ashe and Dedue!
[sound of clapping]
ASHE: Hello, everyone!
DEDUE: Hello.
SYLVAIN: Fun fact, they’re the hardworking souls responsible for editing this lovely show you’re listening to right now!
DIMITRI: You’re using very flowery words today, Sylvain. And, yes, Ashe and Dedue are our editors and we are very grateful for them.
ASHE: It’s really not a problem, Dimitri. It’s quite fun.
DEDUE: I agree. Though Sylvain talking too much hinders us every once in a while.
SYLVAIN: Ouch, ok, Dedue. And Dims, this is just me keeping the hype up because I just looked through our questions today and this will be fun.
DIMITRI: I suppose we should start then.
[***]
DEDUE: Keep the plant near your windowsill and, with the watering schedule you’re following now, it should bloom in a less than a month.
SYLVAIN: Hmm, but according to Lysithea, the place by her door gets enough sunlight to-
DEDUE: No.
SYLVAIN: Ok.
[***]
ASHE: Nailah, with all due respect, I think you put too much catnip out... then again that isn’t really a problem if you want more cats...
[***]
ASHE: Um... hypothetically, it would be very possible to pick a lock that way. And I’m saying this from the point of view of someone who’s only read about it, to clarify... I definitely have no experience with lock-picking... that would be ridiculous.
[***]
ASHE: I think oregano would be a better substitute, don’t you think, Dedue?
DEDUE: I agree and I advise against putting that much salt in the dish.
[***]
DIMITRI: Did you intentionally pick these questions for today, Sylvain? They’re oddly specific.
SYLVAIN: Who’s to say? And aren’t you happy, Dims? This is the fastest we’ve gone through questions. A very productive episode, indeed!
ASHE: Thank you for inviting us on the show!
DEDUE: It was a pleasure.
SYLVAIN: Fel, Ingrid, if you’re listening to this, we miss you.
DIMITRI: You just said we were faster without the-
SYLVAIN: Until the next episode, listeners!
EPISODE 21
[***]
INGRID: Hi again, listeners!
FELIX: Just replace me alre-
SYLVAIN: Back to normal, everyone!
EPISODE 23
[***]
INGRID: I personally fall asleep to mukbang videos.
SYLVAIN: Really?
FELIX: You’re joking.
INGRID: I’m really not.
DIMITRI: [chuckles] I suppose it really isn’t surprising considering it’s you, Ingrid. I often listen to relaxing playlists to sleep, Corrin. How about you, Felix, Sylvain?
FELIX: Tire myself out.
SYLVAIN: Felix, you dog-
FELIX: Not in that way, idiot. If I can’t sleep, I just do some exercises- Sylvain, I will slice you if you don’t sto-
INGRID: Sylvain, behave.
SYLVAIN: Aw, ok.
FELIX: Give him a blindfold while you’re at it- stop wiggling your eyebrows, perv.
SYLVAIN: A blindfold, huh? Sounds kink-
DIMITRI: Sylvain’s mic is now turned off.
INGRID: Felix, tell us more about your exercises.
FELIX: Just some footwork practice. They’re not much, but if I do it for long enough, I get tired eventually.
DIMITRI: Ah, that’s right. I’ve heard Glenn complain about that. Something about you being too loud?
FELIX: It’s not my fault our rooms are next to each other- Sylvain, shut up.
INGRID: Listeners, Sylvain’s mic may be turned off, but he’s still very much here and we can still hear him. Unfortunately.
DIMITRI: Sylvain is telling us to-
FELIX: As if we’re saying that!
INGRID: Sylvain, stop clinging on to- Felix, get my mic away from him!
[muffled sounds]
FELIX: [grumbling]
[muffled sounds]
DIMITRI: Sylvain-
[muffled sounds]
INGRID: [sighs]
[muffled sounds]
[TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES TUNE]
EPISODE 24
[***]
SYLVAIN: For anyone who was curious, I also fall asleep by tiring myself out. If you know what I-
INGRID: Moving on.
EPISODE 27
[***]
SYLVAIN: I mean, the chances of them getting caught-
INGRID: Are high! And they weren’t allowed to go in the first place! What if their parents found out?
SYLVAIN: Come on, Ingrid. They just want to go to a concert.
INGRID: A concert they were explicitly told not to g-
SYLVAIN: You know parents worry too much sometimes. Sharena and Alfonse are at that age already. They should be allowed to live a little!
INGRID: Live a little? Will not going to a concert really impact their lives that much?
SYLVAIN: Well, they’re never going to know if they don’t go now, will they?
FELIX: [muttering] I feel like I’m watching an old married couple.
DIMITRI: [muttering] I think it’s quite entertaining.
INGRID: I’m just saying that there’s a reason they weren’t allowed to go and the consequences they could face if they were to get caught are too g-
SYLVAIN: If they get caught.
INGRID: ...I don’t like where this is going.
SYLVAIN: You really won’t. Ok, listen up Alfonse, Sharena, or any younger listeners itching for a night out in the town-
FELIX: Do people still say that?
DIMITRI: Hold on, Sylvain. I’m not sure advising our younger audiences to sneak out and how exactly they can do it would end well for us.
SYLVAIN: Oh true. Ok just expect an email th-
INGRID: We’re not doing that either.
SYLVAIN: Come on, are we really going to tell them not to go?
INGRID: Yes.
DIMITRI: Yes.
FELIX: Yes.
SYLVAIN: You’re all boring and, Fel, I thought you would side with me on this.
FELIX: And why is that?
SYLVAIN: Listeners, Felix and I used to sneak out a lot when we were younger.
FELIX: We were grounded a lot too. Go figure.
SYLVAIN: But weren’t the memories we made worth it?
FELIX: Do I have to remind you that I never wanted to sneak out? And, really? Memories?
SYLVAIN: We made them, you can’t deny it.
FELIX: [snorts] Sure. That memory of you, drunk, singing Careless Whisper at 3am because of- mmph!
SYLVAIN: Ok, let’s not reminisce on any of those precious memories.
DIMITRI: I’m still curious about what happened that night.
SYLVAIN: Trust me, Dims, the less you know, the better.
INGRID: That’s rather ominous. What exactly were you two up to that night?
FELIX: Sylvain was- mmph!
SYLVAIN: Let’s not talk about tha- hey! He bit me!
DIMITRI: I figured it would only be a matter of time.
SYLVAIN: Owwww.
INGRID: [sighs] Really, Felix, you didn’t have to bite him.
FELIX: He didn’t have to cover my mouth.
SYLVAIN: Yes I did.
DIMITRI: Going back to the question. Sharena, Alfonse, we advise you heed your parent’s words and hold off from this concert.
SYLVAIN: Boring-
DIMITRI: I suggest you all read the email in its entirety.
SYLVAIN: What, why?
DIMITRI: You’ll see.
INGRID: ...Ah.
FELIX: ...The planners.
SYLVAIN: Hmm. Those Who Slithe- yep, ok! Sharena, Alfonse, you’re better off not going to this!
INGRID: Seconded.
DIMITRI: Let’s just say this particular event... is not one we see you both enjoying.
FELIX: [scoffs] That’s putting it lightly.
SYLVAIN: No to sneaking out, kids!
EPISODE 29
[***]
FELIX: Get the cat.
INGRID: The dog.
SYLVAIN: Go for the dog.
DIMITRI: Choose the dog.
FELIX: ...Fine.
INGRID: Felix, her brother is allergic.
FELIX: They live in separate rooms.
DIMITRI: ...But in the same house.
@casparfights
@AzureMoonPod said fuck cat lives >:(
@AzureMoonPod
@casparfights
Please don’t give Felix any more ammo to come at us with.
@hildahilda
@AzureMoonPod @casparfights
#AMPodsaysfuckcatlives
@fearthedeer
#AMPodsaysfuckcatlives
@savageyuribird
#AMPodsaysfuckcatlives
@itsbaltie
#AMPodsaysfuckcatlives
@AzureMoonPod
GUYS THE HASHTAG IS TRENDING PLS STOP
WE’VE GOTTEN SO MANY DM’S FROM ANGRY FURRIES
@felixfraldarius
@AzureMoonPod
suffer
@AzureMoonPod
@felixfraldarius
Traitor
EPISODE 30
[***]
SYLVAIN: So due to our recent popularity-
FELIX: [scoffs]
INGRID: [sighs]
DIMITRI: We’re having another getting-to-know-us-better episode!
SYLVAIN: Let’s get right into it!
[***]
SYLVAIN: No, we do not hate cats. That is fake news and these allegations are ridiculous.
[***]
INGRID: No, dogs aren’t the only animals we like either. We were only going with the more logical choice.
SYLVAIN: Sorry for caring about Eirika’s brother!
[***]
DIMITRI: Ephraim, thank you for your support. For your sake, I sincerely hope Eirika did not get that cat.
FELIX: We’re going to get more hate at this rate.
INGRID: Is it even really considered hate?
[***]
DIMITRI: I had to learn what furries were, please stop sending us angry DM’s.
SYLVAIN: [muttering] I really can’t believe it. Our first hate mail. From furries! We’re dropping this line of questioning.
[***]
INGRID: Takumi asks:
Felix, why was Sylvain drunk and singing Careless Whisper at 3am?
FELIX: Beca-
SYLVAIN: We are not entertaining this line of questioning either.
[***]
DIMITRI: I don’t want to read this.
SYLVAIN: We have to though.
FELIX: What is it?
DIMITRI: [sighs] Balthus asks:
Denny’s round two?
FELIX: ...You’re on.
INGRID: With pleasure.
[***]
FELIX: Xander asks:
Any childhood stories?
No-
SYLVAIN: Lots! Depends on what you want to hear, Xander.
INGRID: Oh, does it count if we were teens?
SYLVAIN: What are you thinking?
INGRID: The babysitter story.
SYLVAIN: Oh my god.
DIMITRI: [groans]
FELIX: [snorts]
SYLVAIN: Can I tell it?
INGRID: Ask Dimitri.
SYLVAIN: Dims? Come on! For the listeners!
INGRID: Don’t pressure him too much, Sylvain.
FELIX: You’re the one who brought it up.
INGRID: It was the first thing that came to mind!
DIMITRI: ...Fine, but no names. Oh god, why am I agreeing to this?
SYLVAIN: Of course!
INGRID: Because you love the listeners, Dimitri.
FELIX: This’ll be good.
DIMITRI: I’m just... going to lay my head down.
[sound of something hitting the desk]
INGRID: [giggles] Take it away, Sylvain.
SYLVAIN: Ok so, back when I was... 15, I think? Dims, Ingrid, and Fel were 13, so, yeah, 15, our parents had to go to some formal shindig that was apparently anti-kids.
INGRID: Yet they still took our older siblings with them.
SYLVAIN: Yeah, that was rude. Since we’re all such good friends, our parents saw no problem in all of us staying together for the night in Dimitri’s house. Which is very grand by the way, listeners.
DIMITRI: [groans]
SYLVAIN: Except none of the adults trusted me to take care of everyone so they hired a babysitter, a very pretty one at th- ok, Ingrid is glaring, nevermind. Let’s call babysitter... Prof.
FELIX: Why Prof?
SYLVAIN: Her dad?
FELIX: Oh, yeah.
INGRID: For Dimitri’s sake, I hope she doesn’t listen to our podcast.
DIMITRI: [groans]
SYLVAIN: Anyway, yeah, Prof was the daughter of a mutual friend of all our families. She’s only like... two or three years older than us, but, at the time, it meant she was way more capable of taking care of us than I could.
INGRID: And she was. Sylvain would have had a stab wound if it had been him watching us that night.
SYLVAIN: That wouldn’t have been my fault!
INGRID: You gave Felix the knife.
SYLVAIN: I didn’t know he would swing it that way!
FELIX: I was small and you gave me a butcher’s knife. How the fuc-mmph!
INGRID: Moving on.
SYLVAIN: Right, ok. Here’s the fun part, listeners. The second Prof showed up to the door, Dima completely fell head over heels for her.
DIMITRI: [groans]
INGRID: [giggles] The night was basically spent trying to help Dimitri win By- Prof’s affections.
SYLVAIN: And it was glorious.
DIMITRI: [muffled] It was embarrassing.
FELIX: Which was what made it fun, boar.
DIMITRI: [groans]
SYLVAIN: Dima did a lot of cute shi- stuff that night and maybe we’ll even do a special episode just to list everything down-
DIMITRI: [muffled] We won’t-
SYLVAIN: - but the most endearing thing he did, dear listeners. The one thing that makes us remember this story...
FELIX: Here it comes.
INGRID: It’s okay, Dimitri.
SYLVAIN: ...is how sweet, wittle, Dima here gave Prof a knife to remember him by. And not just any knife. A dagger from his dad’s own private collection, in fact!
DIMITRI: [groans]
FELIX: [snickers]
INGRID: [giggles]
SYLVAIN: Yup, even as a kid, Dims here has always been such a sweetheart. [laughs]
DIMITRI: [muffled] I hope you’re happy, Xander.
[***]
INGRID: Lyn asks:
Do you think you guys will be friends forever?
...That’s a sweet question.
FELIX: [snorts] It’s cheesy.
SYLVAIN: [laughs] I think the answer’s obvious though, isn’t it?
DIMITRI: [chuckles] It is.
SYLVAIN: Lyn, these guys are my best friends, I can’t imagine a life without them and, luckily, I don’t think I’ll ever need to.
INGRID: I agree with the sentiment. These three may give me a headache most of the time, but you learn to love them. And that love likely isn’t disappearing any time soon.
SYLVAIN: Heh.
DIMITRI: Lyn, these three have been with me through it all. I’d want nothing more than to keep them in my life forever.
SYLVAIN: Aww.
FELIX: ...That sounds obsessive.
SYLVAIN: Come on, Fel. As if you don’t have anything mushy to say.
INGRID: We know you love us, Felix. We’ve been friends for too long.
DIMITRI: [chuckles] It wouldn’t hurt to open up your heart, Felix.
FELIX: [sighs] ...Lyn, I’m stuck with these idiots for the rest of my life... and I guess that’s ok.
SYLVAIN: Aww!
INGRID: [giggles]
DIMITRI: [chuckles]
SYLVAIN: Come on, let’s have a group hug!
FELIX: Wh-
INGRID: Wai-
DIMITRI: Sylv-
[muffled sounds]
[sound of something falling]
[TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES TUNE]