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“Now I know you're my true north, 'cause I am lost in the woods.
Up is down, day is night, when you're not there,
Oh, you're my only landmark, so I'm lost in the woods,
Wondering if you still care,
But I'll wait for a sign that I'm on your path,
'Cause you are mine,
Until then, I’m lost in the woods.”
-“Lost in the Woods” from Frozen II
***
Panic. It’s all she feels as the Mayday call sounds over the radios. She’s a goddamn professional and panic shouldn’t even be an option.
But it’s Matt Casey.
Pragmatism and logic don’t stand a chance against everything she feels for him.
It was supposed to be a simple call. A wellness check with a forced entry. But she knew Matt well enough by now to sense the trepidation in his voice as he reported in. Something wasn’t right and he felt it keenly. He has good instincts so even before the Mayday her anxiety was on high alert.
“Mayday! Mayday! Shots Fired! Firefighter down!”
Stella made the call. Not Matt.
“Holy shit,” Violet, her new partner, mumbled from her spot next to her.
The patrol officers who had been on stand-by rush into the building while she and Violet wait by the rig on pins and needles. Mouch, who’d been ordered to stay with the Truck, grabs a backboard and follows after them.
Please don’t be too serious. She can’t lose him too.
She won’t.
“Brett!”
“Yeah, I’m here,” she replies to the radio on her shoulder.
“We’re coming down with Casey,” Kidd warns her. “GSWs to the neck and shoulder, just shy of the carotid.”
Fuck. So much for not being serious.
“Lin,” Brett orders, blood turning frost in her veins. “Get the stretcher and the scissors ready.”
“Already on it,” she says dutifully climbing up into the back of the rig.
Violet shoves the scissors into her hand once the stretcher is unloaded and Sylvie meets Truck 81 at the stairs leading into the high-rise apartment building. She rips off Matt’s turn outs and cuts through his shirt as they walk so that by the time the backboard is on the gurney they can get to work packing the wounds.
The guys help her load the stretcher so she orders Violet to start the rig and barks out the fastest route to Med. She will not think about how pale he looks or all the blood that had already poured out of his wounds. If she stops to think too much about either thing, she’ll break and this is not the time.
He’s still barely conscious and muttering to himself.
“There were two guys,” Stella explains quickly. “They charged us and then shot through the damn door when Casey pulled it shut again.”
“He jumped in front of me,” Gallo adds. His face looks completely wrecked.
As worried as she is, Brett takes the time to meet the young firefighter’s eyes.
“He’s the Captain,” she tells him. “That’s what he’s supposed to do.”
Even if it scares the shit out of her.
Gallo nods just before he and Mouch close the back doors on the rig. She bangs the glass separating the cab from the back.
“Go!” she shouts at Violet.
Matt’s muttering becomes louder. She can’t make out the words but he sounds scared.
She takes in a deep breath and shoves her impending tears back down. She leans down close to him as she keeps one hand on each of his wounds, pressing as hard as she can.
“I’ve got you, Matt,” she whispers. “They can’t hurt you anymore.”
He calms and she’s amazed he stays conscious the entire ride. It’s encouraging. He’s fighting. The blood loss makes him high risk but he’s not giving up on her. Her voice sounds thick and broken as she briefs Dr. Halstead. Will’s eyes meet hers as Casey is led to a curtained off area in Baghdad.
“I’m gonna take good care of him, Sylvie,” he promises.
“I can’t lose anyone else,” she tells him as a tear slips down her cheek. “Neither can 51. You have to--”
He stops her with a hand to her shoulder, forcing her watery eyes to meet his determined ones. “Trust me, I plan to do everything I can to keep that from happening.”
She nods and then he’s gone. Behind the curtain with Matt. She feels like he takes her heart with him. The composure she’d barely held onto on the scene has vanished by the time she reaches the waiting room. She collapses into a chair, leans her elbows on her thighs, and covers her face with her hands. Not even a second later, Violet sits down next to her with a hand on Sylvie’s back.
“Boden took the house out of service,” Lin tells her. “He’s on his way over now.”
Sylvie doesn’t pull her hands away but she does nod to indicate she heard her.
Truck 81 storms in. Stella immediately takes the empty seat on her other side.
“He’ll be okay, Brett,” Stella says as she wraps Sylvie up in her arms. “He has to be.”
Sylvie takes a few minutes to cry into Stella’s shoulder before she takes in a big breath and forces herself to sit upright. “Someone should call his sister.”
“Already done,” Severide says from a few feet away. “She’s trying to get a sub for her class as we speak.”
Squad’s here. She didn’t even hear them arrive. When had that happened?
She and Kelly exchange glances of mutual understanding. His eyes are red and just as wet as hers.
“He’s gonna get through this,” Kelly assures her. “He’s too stubborn not to.”
A soggy chuckle escapes her. “I think you’re right about that. He was conscious the entire ride.”
“That’s a good sign, right?” Ritter asks.
Jesus, the whole house is here. How long had she been crying into Stella’s shoulder?
Boden answers for her when she hesitates. It’s too much hope for her to speak out loud right now. This year has not been the year for her. Just as she starts to stand up again something else comes along to knock her down.
“It’s a good sign,” Boden replies. “But given where the bullets entered, he’s still touch and go. I’ll say this, though, I’ll be damned if I lose anyone else.”
Herrmann called Cindy and inadvertently activated The Wives into action. Platt got involved in the investigation at the scene, Donna scoured her contacts to find Christie a substitute teacher for her class, and Cindy came over with food and her amazing hugs.
Sylvie moved into their studio apartment after Foster left -- at least until she can find a place to afford on her own. The Herrmanns have been amazing to her the entire time. Today is no exception. Cindy takes one look at her and pulls her up out of the chair for a bear hug.
“You really ought to tell that man how you feel,” she whispers. “I know that look on your face. I’ve worn it myself on a few occasions.”
That causes a fresh batch of tears. The fact that Cindy is assuming she’ll get the chance to tell Matt how she feels is sob inducing enough, but add that to the fact that the man she’s fairly certain she’s in love with is in mortal danger and she stands no chance. She almost wants to laugh. God, she must be so transparent right now.
Everyone in the house has to know how she feels by now.
Everyone except the man himself.
Will steps into the waiting room just as Cindy releases her. Sylvie gasps and approaches him just as quickly as Boden, Christie, and Severide.
Will offers them a small encouraging smile before he speaks and Sylvie dares to let out the breath she’s been holding since she heard Stella’s Mayday.
“He’s okay,” Will states. “He got lucky. Both bullets missed any key nerves or arteries. He’ll be laid up for a little while but after a little physical therapy I don’t see any reason he won’t fully recover.”
Severide reaches out a hand and clamps it around Will’s shoulder. “Thank you, man.” He breathes out slowly and then pats Will’s back. “Really, thank you.”
“Of course,” Will replies, squeezing Severide’s shoulder in return. “We’re gonna keep him for a few days for observation. There’s some concern about the potential for infection. But once we’re through that window of risk, we’ll be happy to discharge him and send him home. As long as someone’s around to keep an eye on him that first week or so.”
“Don’t worry,” Christie says with a stern quirked brow. “Between these guys and myself I think we’ll have that covered.”
Will chuckles and nods. “I have no doubt.”
“Can we see him?” Sylvie asks, biting her bottom lip anxiously. She desperately needs to rid herself of that image of him from the back of the ambo.
“Actually,” Will tells her with a smirk. “He’s been asking for you.”
Her eyes widened as the three other people in their huddle turn to stare at her. “Me?”
Will nods. “He’s a little high on painkillers right now but he’s been very clear about wanting to see you as soon as possible. I can lead you back there now if you’d like.”
Severide smiles knowingly at her and nods toward the emergency room doors. “Go.”
“I mean, if Christie doesn’t mind,” Sylvie says glancing over at Matt’s sister worriedly.
“Trust me, I am certain he doesn’t want to see his pushy older sister right now,” Christie tells her with a chuckle. “You go ahead.”
“Okay, if you’re sure?”
“I’m sure,” she replies before turning to Will with a firm glance that gives them all a glimpse of her as a teacher. Will cowers slightly. No one blames him. She’s frightening. “Take her back, will you?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Will replies dutifully. “You heard the scary woman, Brett. Follow me.”
Christie laughs and shoves Sylvie very lightly toward the door.
They’ve moved him into a recovery room and when they reach it Will knocks on the doorframe.
“Casey, you’ve got a visitor,” Halstead declares as he motions for Sylvie to walk ahead of him into the room.
The minute Matt sees her his face lights up. It’s the most lighthearted she’s ever seen him. He reminds her of a puppy. A golden retriever puppy. Sweet and eager. If she had any doubt that he was high on medication, she doesn’t anymore. His pupils are dilated and his gestures are sluggish.
She bites back a laugh as he motions her closer with his hand.
“You’re here!” He says happily. “I knew you’d be here.”
“Of course I am,” she replies, biting back a laugh and sitting in the chair next to his bed. “I was your ride here, remember?”
“I’ll give you two some privacy,” Will says with a chuckle. “When you’re done you’ve got a whole waiting room of people anxious to see you, man. Including one very scary sister.”
Matt’s eyes widen comically. “Tell me about it. Did she give you the teacher glare? That shit gives me nightmares.”
Sylvie and Will laugh loudly as he shuts the door behind him.
“You’re in a good mood,” Sylvie says observantly.
“It’s the drugs,” he says with a slow nod. “I think they gave me the good stuff.”
“Well, you were shot in the neck and the shoulder, Matt,” she reminds him with a fond glance. “I think that deserves the good stuff.”
“This is the second time you’ve fixed me up,” he tells her. “Remember the roman candles?”
She nods. “I do, but a slight burn from a roman candle is not the same as two GSWs.”
“Same spot on my neck though,” he tells her as he motions to the bandage covering his neck and shoulder with the opposite arm. “It’s my turn to work on you next time. This is feeling a little uneven.”
“Your turn?” She asks in amusement.
“I have a first aid kit, I can fix you up,” he states. “Plus, I’m a Captain and I have first aid training. So...there. I’m very qualified.”
He slurs a little over the word very and she covers her grin with her hand. She can tell he’s serious about this even if he is pumped full of pain killers.
“Uniquely qualified, even,” she agrees. “I tell you what. Next time I’m hurt, I’ll make sure to come to you first. Deal?”
“Deal,” he answers. “Though I really hope that doesn’t happen.” His voice drops, lower and softer, as he continues. “I hate seeing you hurt.”
She sucks in a startled breath and grabs his hand. “I hate seeing you hurt too.”
“I heard you in the back of the ambulance,” he confesses. “I--I asked to see you because I wanted to make sure you knew something.”
“What’s that?” She asks. Water pools in her eyes as she remembers him desperately muttering to himself with her hands pressed into his wounds.
“I’ve got you too,” he says as the full force of his blue eyes focus on hers. “Anytime, anyplace. I’ve got you, Sylvie Brett.”
She smiles as tears slip down her cheeks and squeezes his hand. “I’m glad you’re okay, Matt. You really scared me.”
“I made a promise,” he replies as he lifts her hand off the bed and threads their fingers together. “I told you I’d be here no matter what. I don’t break my promises.”
She has no idea how to reply to that. She doesn’t even understand it really. Is he saying his promise to her is why he fought so hard to stay conscious on the way here? That she’s why he’s alive and well?
No, that can’t be right? Can it?
He’s just high on the meds. That’s all this is.
Before she can ask or reply in any way, there’s a knock at the door. It’s Boden.
“I’ve gotta get back to work but I just wanted to come back and check in. Didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Sylvie untangles her fingers from Matt’s and clears her throat awkwardly. “No, no worries. It’s absolutely fine. I should probably let someone else visit anyway.”
Matt catches her wrist as she stands. The gesture pulls her eyes back to his.
“You’re coming back, right?” He asks, almost desperately. “I wasn’t finished.”
She nods because she isn’t sure what else to do. “Yeah, of course.”
His worried expression fades into a slow dopey grin. “Okay. Good.”
“I’ll just be in the waiting room,” she says with a thick swallow, suddenly overcome by nerves.
She hangs around while the others filter in and out of the waiting room. One of Cindy’s many amazing gestures was to bring Sylvie a change of clothes from her apartment. She settles in with one of Cindy’s home-made chicken salad sandwiches and a bag of chips. All the stress and adrenaline has left her famished.
Violet comes over and sits down next to her. “Is there anything I can do for you or the Captain?”
Sylvie takes a moment to really look at her new partner. She’s still in her uniform which means she hasn’t left. She could have. Stella and Mouch left to take Truck 81 back to the house, Tony and Capp are about to do the same, Ritter and a few other members of Engine left before Sylvie even went back to see Matt. But here Violet Lin still is, wondering what more she can do.
The girl may be obnoxiously competitive at times but there’s no denying she cares. Sylvie genuinely hopes they can make this work. Violet has a lot of potential.
“No, I’m okay,” she answers. “Thank you. Go take the rig back to the house and get changed out. I’ll be fine.”
She nods. “Okay.” She takes a beat before standing up and looks as though she wants to ask a question but isn’t sure she should.
“Everything alright?” Sylvie asks.
“Not to be nosy, but...how long have you and Captain Casey been together?”
Sylvie very nearly chokes on her sandwich. Violet pats her back as she coughs and sputters.
“Oh, no! We’re not—Casey and I aren’t...That is to say, um, we’re just really good friends.”
Violet’s brow furrows in a clear look of disbelief. “Sure. Okay. It’s a secret. I get it. I won’t tell anyone then.”
She’s walking away before Sylvie can refute the claim. She sighs in resignation. People are going to believe what they want to believe anyway. It’s fine.
The people who left earlier come back and then trickle back to see Matt in groups of two. The end of visiting hours is approaching and the group waiting has thinned out. Severide and Stella come back from their second visit and wave to her as they leave the hospital. She promised him she would go back in and see him. She’s put it off for as long as possible. Now’s the time.
She makes her way back, finding him dozing peacefully. This is such a stark contrast from the Matt that was carried out of that building. His color is back and, as her fingers lightly brush his wrist, she can tell his pulse is strong. He’s breathing deep and even, and it’s a beautiful sound. She moves to pull her fingers away from his pulse as his hand closes around them.
“You’re back,” he says drowsily.
“I told you I would be,” she replies.
He threads their fingers together as he did during her first visit. “Everyone else gone?”
She nods. “Visiting hours are almost over.”
“So, no more interruptions, then?”
“Not unless it’s a doctor or a nurse,” she reminds him.
“Which means I can finish what I wanted to say?”
“Yes, but maybe you shouldn’t.”
“Why not?” He asks with a furrowed brow and a pout. She’s never once seen him pout. She likes it too much. She wishes he could be this light without the medication. He deserves to be happy all on his own.
“You’re on a lot of medication and I wouldn’t want you to say something you don’t mean.”
“Just because I’m on some really great pain medicine doesn’t mean I’m lying,” he says, giving her an offended glance. “I would never lie to you, Sylvie.”
“Matt, that’s not what I’m saying. I know you wouldn’t lie to me, but I want you to be fully present in the moment. This seems important. What if you tell me and then forget?” She says with a bemused grin.
“If I remember what you said to me when I was barely conscious in the back of 61 then I doubt I’ll forget any of this,” he replies with a scoff.
“Casey,” she says with a tired laugh. “We’ve both been through it today. Maybe we need to take some time.”
“We’ve been taking time since you got back into town last fall,” he says with a pointed glance. “How much more time do we need?”
Once again he catches her off guard. She blushes furiously and her eyes widen.
He smirks slowly at her. “You look like the shocked face emoji.”
A technology joke from him is so unexpected that she can’t help but the guffaw that escapes her. “Can you blame me? After all this time of things going unsaid you’re...throwing it all out there like it’s been completely obvious to both of us.”
His brow furrows. “Hasn’t it?”
Her expression sobers and she shrugs. “Sometimes it is and other times--You’re a hard man to read, Matthew Casey. You know that, right?”
“I can work on that,” he pledges.
Her eyes narrow on him. She wants him to mean that and in this moment he probably does, but who knows what might happen once the meds are gone and he’s completely himself again. She knows her instincts are right. This isn’t the time for this conversation.
“How about this,” she starts, squeezing his hand and smiling warmly at him. “If you still feel the way you do now when they drop your dosage then...ask me to dinner. We’ll go out and we’ll talk about it. Without any sort of impairments to get in our way.” He looks ready to protest but she talks over him. “It’s a compromise.”
“Fine,” he says as he blows out a dramatic breath. “There’s no chance dropping my dosage changes how I feel. This works out in my favor anyway.”
“You think so, huh?” She asks, hoping he’s right.
He nods. “I do. Because my sudden bravery isn’t coming from the pain meds. It’s coming from the knowledge that I nearly died today and had that happened I would have died with only one big regret.” His gaze drops to their still joined hands and he studies them with a soft smile on his face. “You know what regret would have been?”
She suspects she does but she shakes her head anyway. She wants to hear him say it.
“Letting you slip through my fingers,” he says in a firm confident tone. “Honestly, I should have asked you to dinner or for drinks--something--a long time ago. I’m not putting it off anymore. The next time you see me and I’m not doped up. It’s gonna happen. I’m sure of it.”
“Well, if it does--”
“When it does,” he corrects.
She smiles shyly and nods. “Sorry. When it does. I’ll say yes.”
Her eyes land on the clock on the wall. The time tells her visiting hours have ended. It’s time to go home, and besides that Matt needs his rest.
“I should go,” she says as she stands from her chair and tries to release his hand.
He holds on tighter and gives her a smug grin. “You can’t go yet.”
“I can’t?” She asks. The smugness on his face tells her he doesn’t have a valid reason but she’s still curious to hear his reason.
“I was shot today,” he says as if she wasn’t on that call with him. “I think that deserves a goodnight kiss.”
She laughs and aims her widest smile at him. “If I’m not letting you ask me out while under the influence what makes you think I’m letting you kiss me?”
“Relentless optimism?” He suggests. “I mean I did learn that from you, after all.”
“God, you’re charming when you’re high. That’s unfair,” she tells him with a blush and a grin. “Fine. Close your eyes.”
He obediently follows her order and once his eyes are closed she leans down from her standing position and presses a lingering gentle kiss to his temple.
She keeps her lips pressed there as she speaks against his skin. “Sweet dreams, Matthew. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Not the kind of kiss I was hoping for,” he says, smiling affectionately up at her. “But it’ll do for now.”