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Honestly? He shouldn't even be surprised anymore. After all that was the entirety of his life wasn’t it? This kind of ridiculousness would naturally happen to him. Merlin pursed his lips and pressed his hands together under his chin. The beady black eyes of the small animal sitting on his bed stared back.
“What,” he started slowly, tapping his index fingers against his chin, “am I supposed to do with you.” The rabbit tipped its head just slightly, tiny mouth opening before Merlin shut his eyes and groaned. Moving one hand he pointed menacingly at the creature and hissed, “Don’t even.”
A rabbit. Oh but wait, it couldn’t be that easy for him, no a normal rabbit would have been fine. Merlin could deal with a normal rabbit. This wasn’t a normal rabbit though. You see, Arthur’s best stallion was sick. Well they were assuming he was sick, something was wrong with him, but the stable hand didn’t know what could possibly be ailing the poor horse. Merlin being, well, Merlin decided that he was just going to ask the horse what was wrong.
The spell seemed simple enough. It would grant him the ability to to speak to animals for a short period of time. In hindsight, he should have asked Gaius for guidence. Or you know, anyone who had a magical bone in their body. Who could have pointed out the minor mispronunciation. Who could have said, ‘hey Merlin, don’t do that.’ For instead of merely making him able to speak with animals, he created one. Or summoned it or something. He wasn’t quite sure at this point. Point being, he now had this rabbit in his room, staring him down. It seemed to curse his very being.
“You,” A talking rabbit. “are a fuckin dumbass.” A rude talking rabbit.
------
“What do I do? How do we fix this?” Merlin frowned, brows drawn together in frustration as another spell fell flat.
From the bed came a gruff, “Get good?”
“Can’t you say anything actually helpful?” Merlin demanded as he paced his small room and aggressively flipped through his small notebook of spellwork. The rabbit in question was sprawled out on his bed, its ears flicked slightly. He has tried every variation of the spell in an attempt to fix it. Every wording, every annunciation, every variable. Nothing was working, and the stupid animal made sure to remind him every time it failed.
Its eloquent reply? “Eat my ass.” Right. Unhelpful, little, demon. He stopped pacing and slammed his book shut as he turned to glare at the rabbit. Out of all the animals he could have made, abducted, it had to have been this one. It had shut its eyes and looked almost innocent as Merlin glared at it. Almost.
“Look, if you just help me a little I could get you home a lot faster.” He grumbled out, trying, once again, to persuade the rabbit to help him. It was clearly smart enough. Another flick of it’s brown ear and Merlin felt his headache creep back as his eye twitched. “Fine. I’ll figure it out on my own.” he growled, throwing himself into the chair beside his bed. Because for whatever reason he didn’t want to move the insolent animal. It looked much too comfortable.
“Lousy fucking sorcerer.” Merlin groaned and smacked his forehead with the closed spellbook.
-----
Merlin straightened the papers on Arthur’s desk for what seemed to be the 8 hundredth time. His hands shook nervously and his eyes darted to the door at every small sound. It had been 3 days since his little uh- mishap, and the tiny devil hadn’t disappeared yet. Much to Merlin’s chagrin, and as such he had no choice. Arthur had to know. Well, to be honest he really didn’t. Except Merlin had an even worse dilemma now.
The talking demon was… missing. It had disappeared, and not in the way Merlin wanted. The cage door had been chewed off.
So yeah, Arthur had to know, preferably before Uther finds the rabbit first. So here he was, actually doing his chores, by hand, in hopes the effort will soften the blow. Arthur appreciated when Merlin didn’t use magic for his chores. Says it makes it more personal. Sure. Merlin’s pretty sure he just doesn’t want him getting everything done on time. Hopefully it’ll work this time. It has too. It’ll be fine. The Prince will understand. They’ll find the beast, figure out what to do with it, and laugh about it all later. Merlin had finally lulled himself into a false sense of security when the bedroom door slammed open. The loud sound of the metal handle hitting stone made Merlin flinch and slowly peek over, his eyes comically wide. Well, that wasn’t a good sign.
“You.” Arthur’s face was a dark red and his eyes narrowed dangerously. Merlin gulped and slunk back. The Prince balled his fists at his side as he stalked over. “What.” He was right in front of Merlin now. “Did.” He grabbed the red neckerchief. “You.” Merlin was yanked forward to the point their noses almost touched, Arthur’s angry gaze holding him there. “Do.” It was ground out not as a question per se but as an angry demand. He really should have gone with his gut instinct and stayed far away from the other as possible until he could fix this. The sorcerer gulped and put his hands on Arthur’s shoulders to attempt to subtly push him back, it didn’t work.
Merlin choked out a nervous laugh, “What.. what do you mean, Arthur?” The hand holding his neckerchief tightened just slightly. He wasn’t just angry, he was furious. Okay, so not a time to be insubordinate. He wasn’t asking as boyfriend Arthur. He was demanding as Crown Prince Arthur. Sire it was. Not Arthur, Sire. Arthur held his gaze, eyes still narrowed and Merlin shuffled his feet as much as he could. Slowly he realized Arthur was waiting on an explanation. “You uh-- you’ve seen the rabbit haven’t you, Sire?” He asked finally, shoulders slumping forward.
“Seen is an understatement, Merlin.” Merlin paled, his hopes of no one else being able to hear the gruff animal flying out the window. “Tell me, why is there a rabbit, insulting my knights?” A small flicker of hope came back. So it was only the knights? He could deal with that. Most of them were easily fooled. They could play it off as a joke?
“It was an accident!” Merlin exclaimed in frustration as he threw his arms in the air. “I was trying to find out what was wrong with your stupid horse and I guess I said something wrong!” Arthur sighed and dropped his hold on his manservant. He dropped unceremoniously into the chair behind his desk, his elbow hitting the wood and his chin falling to his hand. The frown was still present on his face but the anger had dissipated. Merlin moved to the other side of the desk, planting his hands a shoulder width apart and leaning over, his head bowed. “I’ve been trying to fix it, I swear.” He glanced up and licked his lips nervously, “It just, It escaped before I could.”
They stayed like that in silence. Arthur quietly processing, Merlin in shame. Finally Arthur sat up straighter. “Fine. We’ll find this blasted animal and get rid of it. Then we’re going to have a long conversation about this, Merlin.” He jabbed one finger in Merlin’s direction threateningly. “You know I don’t like you using it anywhere near my father. I swear you’re going to get yourself killed one of these days and I’m starting to think you’re trying to.” Merlin flushed with embarrassment and nodded slowly. Arthur stood up then and grabbed Merlin’s arm.
With a yelp from Merlin, Arthur dragged the other toward the door. Grumbling under his breath about stupid, idiotic sorcerers and rude talking animals.
~~~~
“How are we going to even find it?” Merlin questioned quietly from where they were pressed against the stone hallway. Arthur rolled his eyes and gestured toward the adjacent hallway as a maid ran by crying. Oh. So it wasn’t just the knights now. Oops. “Did I mention I’m really sorry?”
“Save it.” He poked his head around the corner, the direction the maid came from. “Let's just get this over with.” As it turned out, finding the animal wasn’t really the issue. What was the issue, was who had ahold of it. Arthur froze causing Merlin to crash into his back. “Shit.” Merlin peered around the Prince and paled. Well. That wasn’t good. The King looked up at them at the sudden commotion. Abort. Abort mission. It wasn’t worth it. However there wasn’t bloodlust or malice in Uther’s eyes. No, in fact he smiled at his son.
Lifting the rabbit with both hands toward them the King called out, “Ah Arthur, look what was found wandering the halls.” Merlin held his breath as they approached, his eyes locked with the rabbit’s. Silently, desperately, pleading it to keep its mouth shut. Honestly though, he should have known better. He was Merlin afterall, and Merlin didn’t get good luck like that.
“Fuck off fat man.” Arthur froze just as they reached his father.
The smile slowly slipped off Uther’s face and he frowned, eyes narrowing. “Who said that.” He demanded angrily, whipping around and pinning each person in the area with an angry glare. “Which of you dare speak to me in such a manner.” Merlin gulped and tried to make himself fade away into the background. Any second now the King will realize it was the stupid rabbit. Any second now he’ll realize it could only be magic. Any second now Merlin will be exposed. This couldn’t get any worse. He was vaguely aware of Arthur’s hand brushing his own and a quiet almost nonexistent apology. That confused Merlin. Why would Arthur be apologizing to him of all people? Arthur didn’t do anything.
It was the stupid rabbit not keeping its stupid mouth shut. It was Merlin’s magic who made it appear here in the first place. It was-- Oh. Fuck.
“Merlin! How dare you speak of your King in such a manner!”
---------
So here he was. Once again stuck in the stocks. A deep frown on his face as his fingers tapped on the wood that held him in place in annoyance. In front of him, Arthur stood holding that blasted animal. Apparently Uther gave it to his son to take care of. Merlin wasn’t sure if the King ment care for it or kill it. Gods above, he hoped kill it. He told Arthur just that and the Prince rolled his eyes with a grin. “Look, I know it got you into this mess,” He gestured to the stocks with one hand before continuing, “But I’m not going to kill it.”
Merlin’s mouth fell open at that and he sputtered out, “Why the hell not?” Arthur gently pat the rabbit’s head with a small indulgent smile.
“Oh come on, Merlin, you’re smarter than this. If I kill it, you can’t fix it.” Merlin continued to stare at him blankly, still not grasping what Arthur was trying to say. Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes with a sigh. “If you don’t fix it this time, you won’t know how to do it next time you mess up.” He cracked open one eye with a mischievous grin. “We both know you’re bound to mess something up in the future.”
“Dumbass already fucked up.”
Both of them turned to stare at the rabbit as it pulled one of its front feet up to lick. “Um. What?” Merlin asked slowly, his hands going limp. He didn’t like the sound of that at all. He could feel Arthur’s gaze flit to him before going back to the animal in his arms. “Could you maybe, for once, elaborate on your insult?” Merlin pleaded, eyes wide as the rabbit continued to stare him down, its tiny foot still in its mouth.
After a long moment the foot moved to reach up and clean one long ear. “Your earlier solution. To reword everything?” There was a glint in its dark eyes and Merlin felt his stomach drop. He started shaking his head and closed his eyes in frustration. No. No no no. Please no. “You fucked up. I’m here to stay.”
“You have got to be kidding.”
~~~~
So here they were holed up in Arthur’s chambers. This time the rabbit sat on the bed, Arthur beside it. Merlin was slumped over Arthur’s desk, his face buried in his arms. “How are we supposed to keep this thing secret?” He groaned into the wood. “How long are we supposed to keep it secret? Arthur, what are we going to do?” Arthur didn’t reply immediately. His eyes were on the rabbit as he ran his fingers through the soft fur behind its ears. A frown on his face.
It’d been hours since Merlin was released from the stocks, i.e. since Arthur broke him out. In that time they’d gotten nowhere. Unless you counted Arthur growing unreasonably attached to the beast. Which Merlin didn’t. Nope. Because if that was the case the Prince wouldn’t get rid of it, and Merlin could not stand to live with that animal. “Shut up? Let me sleep?” Narrowed eyes peeked over folded arms to glare at the unwanted reply. Betrayal washed over him as Arthur snickered slightly, the gentle pets never stopping. Merlin propped his chin on his arms and frowned again.
Finally Arthur spoke. Merlin sincerely wished he hadn’t.
“Keep it in your room?” The sorcerer shot up almost as soon as the words left the Prince’s lips.
“What!” He slammed his hands on the desk and aggressively shook his head. “No. No no no. Arthur no.” Arthur sighed and raised one hand, the one not on the rabbit, to pinch the bridge of his nose.
“Well, I can’t very well keep it here. My father could show up and I’m not dealing with that again.” His hand dropped to push himself up off the bed. He slowly approached Merlin as if he were a spooked animal. “Look. You’re barely in that room now anyway. It’s out of the way and the only people who’d have any reason, or interest in going in there are you, me and Gaius. Just leave it there for now.” Arthur’s hands came up to frame Merlin’s face as the others frown morphed into almost a pout. He smiled lightly and tapped one index finger against Merlin’s temple. “Unless of course you’re taking strangers home when you do leave here.” He teased.
Merlin felt his face and ears flush and grumbled, eyes darting away to stare at the ground, “Shut up. You know I don’t.” Arthur grinned and leaned over to press his lips to Merlin’s forehead. It was almost sweet. Almost. Because naturally, it decided to speak again.
“Get a room.” Merlin tensed and his fingers twitched at his side. Oh how he wanted to strangle that blasted animal.
“It’ll only be for a few days.” Arthur promised.
~~~~~
It was decidedly not only a few days. Nor even a few weeks, it had been months, and it was driving Merlin stir crazy. Of course Arthur was right and he wasn’t in the room very often, but he was there long enough. Long enough for the incessant insults to wear him down. Long enough for him to, grudgingly, become… attached to the little shit. He even affectionately gave it a name. Which is what led him to his current state. Sprawled out across the tiny bed, Jack stretched out across his chest as he scribbled out the spellwork for said rabbit’s new enclosure. “How important is an enclosed nesting area to you, Jack?” He asked, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he tapped the parchment.
“How important is the Prince’s bed to you?” Merlin pursed his lips and dropped the book to glare down at the furry creature. It merely looked back, nose calmly twitching.
“Do you have to do that.” He deadpanned, one eyebrow raised. “Here I am, trying to do something nice, and you’re making fun of me.” One ear twitched and a low sound suspiciously like a snort was his only reply. Merlin rolled his eyes and ran his hand along the soft flank absent mindedly. Granted, the new pen wasn’t just for the rabbit’s benefit. Sound proofing and escape proofing had previously been proven ineffective on the current cage. It’ll still be an improvement on its part all the same.
Merlin had just gone back to his scribblings, muttering incoherently to himself, when the door swung open. Arthur stood there, an almost wild look in his eyes. “Nettle needs to be moved. Immediately.” He said in a rush, moving forward quickly to snatch the rabbit off of Merlin’s chest. A startled, very manly, squeak came from the sorcerer before he sat up in confusion.
Following Arthur’s lead as the Prince dumped the rabbit in its cage and picked it up, Merlin forced out, “Nettle? Please tell me that’s not what you named it.” Arthur glanced over his shoulder with an affronted look.
“Of course it is. A sharp tongue that stings like a nettle plant, please keep up. We can’t just keep calling him it, Merlin.” He pauses and raises an eyebrow at Merlin, “What have you been calling him?”
Merlin could feel him skin heating up as he shook his head defensively. “I haven’t been calling it anything.”
“Fucking liar.” Came a short snort from the cage in Arthur’s arms. Merlin suddenly wished he’d gotten rid of the animal weeks ago. “Go on. Tell your boy toy..” The flush burned brighter at Arthur’s snicker and Merlin silently vowed to find a spell to take Nettle’s voice box away.
As they shoved through the door to Arthur’s chambers Merlin mumbled under his breath. Arthur, being the complete clot pole he was made an exaggerated motion of not hearing. “I said I’ve been calling him Jack.” He looked vaguely interested in the explanation as he set the cage on his desk. “Short for Jackass.”
That earned Merlin a bark of laughter and a wide grin before they both dissolved into fits of wheezing laughter. They flopped over onto the bed side by side as the giggles faded away. “So why did we need to bring him up here?” Merlin asked finally, one arm draped across his stomach the other wrapped around Arthur’s.
The question seemed to dampen Arthur’s good mood instantly. He was frowning at the ceiling when he finally decided to answer. “My father… has heard rumors of talking animals. And in his— present unstable condition, he’s been incredibly insistent on finding those responsible and killing them. I figured it’d be easier to hide him up here now. We don’t need him finding a talking rabbit in your chambers. He’ll behead first and ask questions never.” He pursed his lips before finishing, “I guess it’s my turn to babysit?” It was a pathetic attempt to lighten the topic but Merlin snorted anyway and rolled onto his side and propped himself up to stare at the cage.
“I’ve been working on a new enclosure for him.” He admitted quietly, “I think I’ve finally gotten the spell work right to keep him in it.” Arthur nodded slowly, acknowledging it but not seeming to be listening. Merlin glanced at him in puzzlement as Arthur’s hand maneuvered to his neck. He blinked a couple times before his brain finally caught up. Oh. Oh okay. No more bunny talk. Merlin grinned and leaned over to press a kiss to the corner of Arthur’s mouth before sighing, “He isn’t going to find out about me, Arthur. Stop worrying so much. It isn’t a good look on you.” A mischievous look appeared as he teased, “You know what does look good on you?”
Arthur rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless. “No, what?” Merlin sat up and maneuvered himself to sit across Arthur’s thighs. The bright glint still in his eyes as he leaned over slightly.
“Me.”
“I swear to God. If you start fucking, I start screaming.”
“Oh for the love—“ Merlin growled, burying his face in Arthur’s shoulder. “Cockblocked, by a rabbit?” How was this his life, honestly. A large clump of hay was shoved out through the bars of the cage. Oh he was going to murder the Jackass. He was worse than Kilgharrah could ever hope to be. He decided to tell the demon just that.
“Eat my ass.”
~~~~
Much to Merlin’s frustration, this new development continued. It didn’t matter if Nettle was paying attention or not. As soon as either got their hands on the other, the rabbit spoke up. Oozing displeasure. “Can you not? I’m eating.” Arthur growled under his breath and dropped his hands to rest on the desk behind Merlin. He gave one last kiss before pulling away completely and kicking at the table leg. Merlin let out a low huff, face burning as he crossed his arms over his chest.
~~
“Honestly I thought I was the rabbit.” Merlin threw a pillow at the animal lounging on the floor. It’d been 4 months since this new game of his started. Four very long, very frustrated months and Merlin was at his wits end. “Didn’t you get enough last night? Or this morning?” Arthur pulled his own pillow over his face and groaned as Merlin rolled off of him to lay at his side. The jab was honestly terrible. No, no they didn’t, because last night he demanded fresh water from the well. This morning he complained that Merlin was being too loud and it was disgusting. Merlin wanted to throw him out the window.
There was a long silence before Merlin deadpanned, “Is this what having children is like? I hate it.” Beside him Arthur snorted.
~~~~
“So that’s why I need you to keep him in your room tonight.” Merlin said quickly, shoving Nettle into Gwen’s arms. The startled woman could only blink down at it as she tried to put together everything he’d just said.
Finally she settled on being blunt. “You need me to watch the King’s pet, so you can get laid?” Merlin threw his arms in the air and groaned.
“Yes. We have not slept together in months, Gwen. Literal months. And it isn’t for a lack of trying mind you.” He started pacing, arms flailing wildly with pent up energy. “Every time we try, that demon starts talking.” He shot a dark glare at the rabbit who pointedly ignored him. “Every. Time. It’s a mood killer. At this rate I won’t get laid again until we’re married!”
Gwen covered her laugh by pressing her hand to her mouth but Merlin could still see her grin. “Merlin, that’s only a few months away.”
“Exactly! Months! By then it’ll be a year, Gwen! A. Year.”
She shifted Nettle in her arms which was just enough to prompt the animal to weigh in its opinion. “The real mood killer? You two, trying that shit. While I’m trying to sleep.”
“Shut your carrot munching mouth.” Merlin growled, fists balled at his side and his right eye twitching. Curse Arthur for growing attached to the damn thing. Curse himself for doing so as well. He should have gotten rid of it when he had the chance.
“You shut yours.”
“Gwen!” He cried in desperation, “See what I live with? Please.” Gwen could hold back the laughter anymore and as she broke down she forced out an agreement.
~~~~
Being Consort to the King wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. It was one thing when he was at court meetings as Arthur’s manservant, hidden in the shadows, not having to pay attention. It was great. Now he had to sit there. Awake. And, he shuddered at the thought, participate. Not only that, but he was in charge of Nettle.
Why was the rabbit in the court meetings? Hell if Merlin knew. They were currently listening to the petitions of rural townsfolk. Extra grain for planting, protection from wildlife killing their sheep, basic things that Merlin didn’t think he was needed for. He was just starting to nod off, pointedly ignoring Arthur’s disapproving look as he explained they couldn’t offer help at the current time when Nettle’s voice jolted him awake.
“Are you fucking daft?”
Silence rang through the room and Merlin fought the urge to bang his head on the table. Oh for the love of all things Holy. The gangly man who had been asking for help to repair various houses destroyed in a Wyvern attack blinked at the animal and asked shakily, “E-Excuse me?”
Oh no. Merlin looked quickly at the rabbit, willing him to shut up. They didn’t need him upsetting yet another village. The people will start revolting. No such luck. “Not you, beanstalk.” Well it was at least a step up and he won’t be directly insulting anyone. Nettle jumped up from his pillow on the chair next to Merlin onto the table. A few short hops across the table and he planted himself in front of Arthur. “Why not? This idiot,” he flicked one ear toward Merlin, “is good enough to cover the work of at least 4 knights.” Around the room many of the council members looked uncomfortable at the complete disrespect toward the King.
Merlin could only close his eyes and sigh at the back handed compliment. In truth he could have finished all of the castle repairs on his own months ago. Arthur though had insisted the knights do the work. To help build character or something. Grudgingly he had to admit that Nettle was right. Okay so maybe he was actually there for a reason. The tiny beast was actually pretty smart when it wasn’t spitting insults or being a blatant ass. Arthur looked thoughtful for a moment before he nodded. “Alright, take 4 men. A fortnight should be long enough, yes?”
“Oh yes, thank you, Sire. Thank you.” He stood and was quietly ushered from the room. Once the doors shut again an older councilman stood up and cleared his throat. Arthur absentmindedly waved a hand for him to speak as he let Nettle jump into his lap. The man watched in disdain and moved to stand in front of the King’s dias.
With a quiet bow to Arthur, and a jerk of his head toward Merlin, who by this point was used to the older Lords disrespecting him that he merely rolled his eyes back, the man bit out. “Sire, no disrespect but please, why do you let that animal speak to you in such a manner? In front of your citizens nonetheless. It is unbecoming of any citizen of Camelot to speak to their King like that.” That caught Arthur’s attention and he looked up with eyebrows raised.
“He’s not a citizen of Camelot.” Beside him Merlin snorted and leaned back in his chair. The Lord looked highly uncomfortable at the King’s statement. “He’s a rabbit.” Someone to the left of them choked on a laugh and Merlin glanced over just as Gwaine hid his face behind his goblet. They shared a wide grin as Nettle jumped up from Arthurs lap and sat on his haunches in the center of the table. So yeah, this was their lives now apparently. “He’s also of the royal household.”
There was silence around them, save for the quiet snickers from the Knights of the Round Table. They had long accepted the smart mouth animal as a part of the family. The other nobles… not so much. Arthur ran his hand down Nettle’s back and tapped his finger on his other hand on the wood. Clearly waiting on the Lord to continue speaking, however a different voice cut him off just as the old man opened his mouth.
“Fuck you. I’m Prince now.”
Merlin slowly shook his head in exasperation, mouthing to no one in particular that no, the rabbit was in fact not the Prince of Camelot. Honestly though, this was just the kind of ridiculousness that everyone has come to expect from the Once and Future King and his Sorcerer. Why not just throw in a talking rabbit as their furry son. He turned slightly and met Arthur’s gaze, one eyebrow quirked and a wide grin on his face. Yeah. Why the hell not.