Chapter Text
Ties that Bind
Nock. Dip. Draw. Release.
My arrow surged forth, death targeted at the monsters before me. Darkspawn didn’t go down easily, taking wounds that would fell even the hardiest warrior. I had to kill these things as quickly as possible. I couldn’t afford to miss. But even they couldn’t survive an arrow buried deep in the eye. And just like that, there was one less threat. My focus snapped to the next target, and the cycle repeated.
Steady hands to guide my arrow. Quick thinking to find my next target. Enduring muscles to draw my massive longbow, over and over again. I had to be more than I normally was. I wasn’t allowed to fall apart, not when protecting others.
The horrid monsters screamed out, bearing down on our royal caravan. Amid the terror, I couldn’t help but feel a thread of irritation; the darkspawn should be gone, dammit, crawling back underground, weakened from the ending of the 5th Blight. There was no more archdemon to empower and lead the otherwise mindless horde on a devastating rampage anymore. Yet here they were, attacking the innocents with us, and I took that personally. The darkspawn were a damn curse on Thedas, their fluids poisoning every living thing they touched.
I knew I shouldn’t have made the journey to return to Vigil’s Keep. It made no sense, but I couldn’t help feel my cursed luck was the reason we’d been ambushed enroute. But I’d made a promise to my best friend, Kallian Tabris. What was I supposed to do, let down the Hero of Ferelden, after she'd ended the Blight and saved us all?
Ugh. Queen Anora would be so smug when I returned. She hadn’t wanted me to make the journey at all, preferring my assistance as her spymaster with the cantankerous nobles of the Bannorn. I was rather happier fighting darkspawn than untangling that mess.
“Must you wear your full armor while traveling with the king, Lady Elspeth?” I mimicked her cadence, even as I drew back my bow. “You are our advisor and heiress now-” I grunted as I released the arrow, striking the attacking hurlock with enough force its corpse was knocked to the ground. “And just in case you forgot, one of the last survivors of the Cousland line. Your brother wants you to stay safe, and of course your continued health matters to the Crown. Why throw yourself into battle so easily? Wouldn’t you prefer a more diplomatic attire as befits your stature? Let the soldiers see to their role, and you yours.”
I huffed a breath, wiping a bit of viscera off my leathers as I dropped the mimicry. "Yes, your majesty, I'm quite certain I made the right call,” I retorted to the woman who was hundreds of miles away. “Darkspawn rarely respect diplomatic immunity, after all," She had no counter, and so I counted it a win.
I could practically feel my father’s ghost looking disapprovingly over me, for not showing proper respect to the Crown. Guilt twinged my heart, which I firmly shoved down. I could deal with that later.
A human scream snapped my attention. A distance away one of our guardsmen had fallen to the ground, shield gone and quaking in fear as a monster reared over him. My body flashed into motion. Nock, dip, draw, release; the twang of my bowstring was a firm retort to any creature who would dare harm my countryfolk. But the foul creature was rude enough to vomit its infectious bile in the process of dying. The soldier stared up in open-mouthed horror.
I cursed, activating my speed runes. Blue lyrium seared my skin, magically induced lightning arcing through my body. The world slowed around me as I charged with incredible speed. The darkspawn’s bile steadily arced through the air towards its intended victim, still gaping in horror. Heart in my throat, I arrived just in time to block the splash before it poisoned him.
I nearly sighed in relief, but every second I was buying myself was growing pain; there was no time for indulgence. The soldier’s wounds were harsh, but he would not fall to them; I could focus my attention outward. A subsequent kick to the slowly falling darkspawn corpse ensured it would fly backwards, slamming into another darkspawn behind it. I whirled to take in the battlefield. Everywhere I saw our soldiers threatened, I fired off arrow after arrow, lasting as long as I could stomach the effect. Each slowed to regular time when they left my bow, but I knew their path was set.
Finally I could bear the nausea from magical lyrium and burning from the air no more. I deactivated my bracers. The world returned to its regular speed. Around the battlefield, a dozen darkspawn fell, each having suddenly sprouted new feathered shaft through their sockets. The pain and nausea slammed me at once, and I fell to my knees, panting and fighting to stay conscious.
“Kysssshhhhhhhheee!”
I heard the damn eponymous cry of the monstrous shriek too close behind me, seizing me with magically induced fear. I had let my guard down, I knew, cursing myself. Rare were the stealthy types that could sneak up on me, especially as sped up as I had been, but shrieks were a class onto themselves. They were practically invisible until the moment they struck, in a way that implied some manner of dark and twisted Blight magic.
I had made a terrible mistake. I was going to die, and fail everyone.
A wet squelch behind me, and yet I felt no pain. The shriek's scream ended abruptly, freeing my muscles to whirl around.
Behind me stood Alistair Thierin, King of Ferelden, former Warden and living terror of darkspawn everywhere. There was a fierce expression on his face, his sword was still skewered through the darkspawn shriek that had been about to end me.
Then the goof shook the darkspawn corpse teasingly. Its very dead limbs flailed about, making a macabre sort of dancing puppet. “Better be more careful there! I almost gotcha!” His voice was squeaky and contorted, in mimicry of their feral cries.
I stared, dumbfounded. Oh Kallian, you have one-of-a-kind taste.
He grinned at my silence, still waving the darkspawn puppet in my direction, before growing bored and flicking it off with casual strength and a wet squelch. The man who perpetually played the goof had never looked more obviously incongruous than when he was in the thick of battle. His clownish facade wasn’t a charade, exactly, but underestimating the man tended to be one’s last mistake. “Did someone forget to watch her own back again?”
That’s not even - do you know how many times I check the traps on my bedroom door at night?! “I had other priorities,” I protested with a huffed laugh. Must stay cheerful! And, well, it must be admitted he wasn’t entirely wrong. “Thank you. Do you mind standing guard while I get this man on his feet?”
Gallantly Alistair gestured, taking up a defensive position. His manners might be courtly, but it was a warrior king who stood before us, and I almost pitied the darkspawn that would try to get past. Nausea still gripped me, but I could at least move. As gracefully as I could manage I darted to the wounded soldier’s side, quickly binding his wounds with powerful healing poultice.
The soldier stared between the king and myself, mouth agape. “Th-thank you, your majesty. Your highness,” he managed. “That you saved a lowly-”
“Keep your mouth closed next time!” I growled, blowing past his titling mistake or attempts at self deprecation. I am not a princess! And if nobles don’t protect their people, what good are they? But now was not the time. “If you ingest darkspawn fluid, no one can save you!”
“Y-yes your highness!” the soldier squeaked out.
“Oh? Did Advisor Cousland actually get something wrong? ” Alistair gleefully interjected. I sighed.
His cheerful smile stayed even as he turned to face the next darkspawn bearing down on him. It was another genlock, the thick, meaty, and most common form of darkspawn. Genlocks. I had to help. They were ridiculously strong, and almost impossible to knock over, so-
THUMP
Ah. Right. Someone forgot to inform the king, who had used his shield and ridiculous strength to slam the brute on its back, following up with a fearsome thrust through the creature’s torso. Few soldiers could slay a darkspawn with a single swordstroke, but Alistair was a Warden, and a powerful warrior indeed. He turned to face the soldier, winking. I had to smile faintly, at the ripple that went through his man. Straightened shoulders, a light in his eyes - the king was inspirational, and I still wasn’t sure he did it on purpose.
He was nowhere near the fool he sometimes pretended to be.
“Wardens could save you, if it came to it,” he continued, seemingly oblivious to the effect he had. “Joining our - er, their - Order will keep you immune to the Taint these nasty little bastards spit. That said, do listen to Our Heiress, she’s a clever lady, and Our advisor for a reason. Joining the Wardens isn’t easy; better to not need to be saved.”
“You cut me off too soon, your majesty,” I retorted, summoning up a smirk, winking at the soldier. “No one could save you from smelling like the king. ”
Alistair barked a startled laugh, and I believed it might be genuine. He gave me an amused grin, but I knew better than to believe the king had forgiven me.
The soldier got to his feet, seemingly at a loss for words. Fair enough, most commoners were a tad cagey about bantering with royals and nobles.
“Best get somewhere safer to finish recovering,” I reminded him, before jerking a thumb at the king. “This one’s a darkspawn magnet.”
“R-right, your highness,” the soldier murmured, awkwardly bowing to us both before tearing off. I sighed, and Alistair snickered.
“Do I get to start calling you princess Elspeth?” Alistair called sweetly, and I debated throwing a grease bomb right in his shit eating grin.
“Your majesty, if this is a prelude to asking me to call you daddy, I’m telling Kallian,” I informed him dryly.
And I finally had my victory, as the secretly bashful king sputtered, denials pouring out of his mouth almost faster than he could keep up with them. “ Never!” he finally managed.
I shook my head, bemused. “I’m relieved to hear it. That said, I must thank you again for stepping in when you did.”
“Oh, I suppose you had some clever trick up your sleeve,” Alistair dismissed. “You were gonna turn around like lightning again and stab it a thousand times in the blink of an eye.”
I did have something of a reputation to maintain, nor did I want to reveal the major drawback of my bracers, so I simply smirked. “And deny you the chance to play the big knight in shining armor?”
He chuckled. “Is that what you’re looking for? A knight in shining armor? Oooh, your fan club will throw a fit when they hear.”
I could barely hear him, for a moment, a sudden memory consuming me. Dark hair and crystal clear eyes of grey. Aquiline nose and handsome smirk.
“Next time you see me, Elsa, I’ll be a knight.”
What a devastating weapon the king had inadvertently unleashed, reminding me of him. Grief and misplaced anger consumed me in a moment. My control must have slipped, for Alistair suddenly hesitated, looking at me with too much damned sympathy. He opened his mouth, and I couldn’t bear the thought of enduring his prying, his apologies.
I knew exactly what would send his thoughts spiraling. “Regardless , your majesty, I’m grateful. I know you and I are…at odds, since I begged Kallian to spare Loghain.”
As always, mentioning his fallen nemesis elicited quite the reaction. Alistar’s jaw clenched, eyes tightening, and he could no longer meet my gaze. And while it was what I wanted, I nearly sighed. Half a year of practice, and the king still had no ability to hide his own emotions or disdain.
We would need to work on that. Anora was going to keep running roughshod over him otherwise.
“You saved that soldier,” he growled quietly. “Whatever our differences, I’m not about to throw you to the darkspawn. We need more hero-”
“-Because Kallian would make you sleep in the barracks if you let me die,” I interrupted dryly. “ She still likes me.”
“There is that as well,” he agreed with a chuckle, fondness growing in his eyes. The shadows cast by his once nemesis seemed banished in the warmth of his love for Kallian. “You changed the battle with that stunt. It’s easy to forget how dangerous you actually are. I think I’ve only seen mages and Kallian slay that many darkspawn at once,” Alistair mused, the bloody hypocrite. “Why didn’t you do that the other day? Would have been a lot faster than all that boring talking. ”
The other day, when a small handful of bandits had stumbled upon us. I don’t care if it would have been legal to slaughter them all, there’s a difference between bandits dealt a bad hand and monsters who only want our death! I nearly snapped, before reigning in my temper.
I was a noble, supposed to be unruffled by whatever came my way. I thought of calm lakes, hiding my emotions deep underneath. Kallian loves this man, I reminded myself. He's also my king. And Anora's husband. I knew he’d been fighting harder than any of us, though he barely showed it. Our warrior king’s shiny armor was splashed with darkspawn blood, and yet he barely sported a thin sheen of sweat. And that was even with the special grudge these creatures bore for him; he’d been positively mobbed this whole fight. I, meanwhile, had quite thoroughly soaked my leathers.
Warden enhancements were bullshit .
“What, you don’t think Ferelden could use more conscripts for its reconstruction?” I demanded instead.
“I’m not complaining,” he lied, smiling faintly. “It’s even funnier now, realizing you could have killed all 5 of them in the blink of an eye, if you wanted.”
“Your majesty, I believe you killed two dozen darkspawn before you even broke a sweat.”
“30, but who’s counting? Anyway, Kallian always said you could convince the sky you could fly, if you could just figure out how to talk to it.”
“She tends to see the best in people,” I allowed, sighing.
“That’s the Maker’s own truth,” he agreed, smiling cheerfully once more, as if we hadn’t been arguing at all. Fine by me.
Soon, the battle quieted, no more screams filling the air. We looked to our king and former Warden. Wardens could sense darkspawn, and only he could tell us if we were about to be ambushed by more. He closed his eyes, faintly frowning in concentration, before smiling. “All clear! Let’s get a move on, people!” he announced cheerfully.
That was supposed to be a good sign, and yet dread filled me anew.
The battle had ended, and there was no one to defend. Quietly I slung away my bow. Lungs tight. Heart pounding. Sweat soaking anew. Hands shaking.
I’d nearly died. We’d nearly failed. And Kallian - she’d traveled ahead of us. Was she alright? Fears consumed me, but I couldn’t dare let anyone see the coward I’d become. I pulled my cloak tighter, face blanking to a calm façade. Desperately thinking of calm lakes and the swaying branches of a beautiful willow tree.
It had been easy, once, to always act as if nothing fazed me. I'd been a cocky, confident woman a year ago. But losing my home had changed that. My family had invited a snake of a vassal, that monster Rendon Howe into our home. He used the invitation to betray us at night; his army poured through our halls like poison gas, choking all it engulfed. Our soldiers, servants, the elderly and the children; none were spared. I’d barely escaped with my life that night, thanks to Kallian and Duncan.
In one night, I’d gone from cocky to coward. Fierce fighter to shaking weakling. One last lesson for that damnable man to impart on me, a cruel echo of his mentorship.
"You never were as good as you thought you were, my dear girl. Perhaps you might have saved them, if you were as strong as you believed. Alas, they all paid the price for your failure.”
His voice was never quite gone from me. For all that he lied, it was worse when his mocking words were threaded with truth.
My fault.
With effort, I banished the ghost, trying to focus on the road ahead. We’d dismounted, our horses too spooked to safely bear us now. Every step, bringing me closer to a place that had once been my home. Rolling hills and the beautiful but imposing Shadowvale woods. The distant specks of buildings that had been developed haphazardly around Vigil's Keep, as it moved from wartime fortress to the civil seat of an Arl. Landmarks achingly familiar, a countryside I knew too well, taunting me.
My family had a long and proud tradition of warriors, but that had never sat quite right on my shoulders. I pleaded with my father, and he pressed upon his lieger and friend, Rendon Howe, to train me, with great reluctance. He’d harbored old fashioned views on women, believing my entire gender unsuited to combat. And cocky young girl that I was, I’d always been determined to prove him wrong. I worked so hard, hanging on his lessons. Learning to look up to a man I’d found cruel, unkind, yet undeniably brilliant.
All I’d wanted back then was to earn his respect. And when he betrayed us, I wanted revenge, yes. But I needed to stop that man as he worked to inadvertently destroy the country I loved. Together with Kallian, I made sure that man could harm no one else.
And then I sobbed over his cooling corpse.
Weakling .
I felt the blood on my hands, but that was from a different Howe. Thomas Howe, his youngest child, and my once fiance, smirked in my mind’s eye. Then the expression shifted; pleading, betrayed, uncomprehending. He clutched his throat, staring at the dagger I’d used to open it, hands wet with blood.
Murderer.
I froze, hands shaking badly, and found I couldn’t take another step forward. Over and over, that moment played in my mind.
I had to!
A hand clasped my shoulder, and I nearly lashed out. I glanced into the dark brown eyes of guard captain Nalka Hye. Umber skin and heavy calluses with hard earned scars; brave and skilled and unstoppably strong. We’d lost many veterans during the Blight, and had come to rely on her to train up our newest guards. Even Anora had approved her appointment, despite her dangerous flaw of being personally loyal to me.
“We must press forward,” Captain Hye murmured. “We may yet face ambuses. Even with our king to sense them, I want this party safe behind the walls of the keep. And with the Hero of Ferelden around to keep watch.”
I forced my mouth to work. “The greatest monsters I’ve known lived in those walls.”
“Those ones are gone.”
“I haven’t forgotten,” I replied softly, still powerless against my mind.
“Then remember the good times, too.”
I considered her advice, trying to summon pleasant memories. Delilah Howe, a woman who’d been my best friend until Kallian came along. We’d been thick as thieves, practically sisters. Though these days - I flinched, pressing onwards through my memories. Eliane Howe, the woman who taught me healing and poisons.
And…
His face flashed in my mind again. Grey eyes filled with a stoic sort of kindness. Facial hair he kept so carefully manicured. Raven locks and a calm expression that hinted the smirk he usually kept hidden.
The warm laughter and rare, beautiful smile when he let his guard down.
Nathaniel Howe. A man who’d once been my rival, then training partner. Before even Delilah, I’d held him dear. He’d left for the Free Marches long ago, and yet, our friendship had stayed strong, writing letters as often as possible.
I’d always felt a very normal amount of excitement whenever a new one from him arrived.
The letters had stopped when the Blight happened, and I learned he’d disappeared from the Free Marches, ostensibly running away to spare his knight master the shame.
I hadn’t heard from him since.
Where are you?
What must you think of me now?
Will you hate me?
I focused past the pain of the question, pulling out a memory, anything that would combat the bile in my throat when I thought of his father or brother.
Years ago
“This is a terrible idea,” Nathaniel Howe grumped, because he was a dour sourpuss. He loomed behind me, apparently still under the impression he had a chance of talking me out of this.
Worse, everything about him screamed nobility, from his carefully crafted noble hairstyle with thin, expertly plaited braids, to his suspiciously clean and clearly well-made tunic and pants. Even his boots looked expensive.
Pah. At least his ensemble didn’t bear any house heraldry or colors. Obviously, I’d wanted us to blend in more, but technically, he’d met my request to “dress down.” In the most stubborn way possible.
It was very him.
“It’s a fantastic idea,” I expertly countered, not really paying him much mind as I scanned the walkway, waiting for the right moment to emerge from the shadows. My long auburn hair was tightly bound back and I’d borrowed a rough, common leathers for this, deliberately ill fitting. No one should look at me twice.
“You could get caught-”
“That jackass “knight” stole from that sweet maid, and you’d rather she go sneaking in to get it back? Don’t be ridiculous.”
“You could get hurt-”
“Not if I don’t get caught!” I cheerfully retorted, flashing him a teasing grin.
I could enjoy the sight of his brow furrowing, distinguished nose wrinkling ever so slightly. I could practically feel his brain seizing, too many objections trying to make it through his grumpy mouth.
Honestly, only Nathaniel could make even flummoxed look quite so attractive.
Pah. Where was my mind going? Sloppy, sloppy. I didn’t have a crush. I was over that frivolous, mushy nonsense, really! Lord Howe already thought I was a silly girl. He might be a jerk, but I was determined to prove him wrong.
Focus, Elsa. I pulled down my mask, making sure it was securely affixed. Seize your -aha!
The right moment had arrived. I was about to surge from the shadows when a hand snatched my wrist. Irritated, I twisted it free in a moment, turning a fierce glare my fussing companion’s way.
“Elsa - I - sorry, I shouldn’t’ve - but, please, ” he begged, and his tone and worried eyes made me hesitate far better than his grab had.
I sighed, and gave him my full attention. He looked conflicted, almost miserable, so I grabbed his hands to show no hard feelings - and no other reason. He couldn’t meet my eyes, staring down. “Nathaniel. It’s going to be alright,” I soothed, squeezing gently. “I’m very sneaky. And quite clever! This’ll be easy.”
I earned his chuckle, there, and finally clear grey eyes lifted to meet mine, a faint smile dancing on his lips. I pushed down the swelling in my heart . “You usually are,” he conceded.“But you’re a very important noble, you know, even if you pretend otherwise. You’re a Cousland! Daughter of the teyrn himself! Even my father swears loyalty to him. What if you embarrass your family?”
Maker, what is it with him and bringing up my danged family every three seconds? And why does he think they wouldn’t forgive me? Maybe tease me a bit, or tell Lord Howe to ground me for a while. But if I’m caught like a rube, I’d earn that much. I shrugged, deciding this wasn’t an argument I had time to take. I tilted my head, drawing attention to my mask. “Even if they catch a glimpse of me, they’ll just see the mask.”
He sighed, squeezing my hands, intense grey eyes burrowing into me. “I just want you to stay safe. If you’re caught, I don’t think a simple cat mask is going to save you, Elsa.”
Because of course he thought I’d get caught. “Well, sure. If I’m caught, then they figure out it’s me, and it’ll embarrass my folks something fierce. But at least these jerks wouldn’t try and arrest me or beat me like they would the maid,” I pointed out, reclaiming my arms and folding them in irritation. “And also, it’s a fox. ”
He stared at me, squinting dubiously. “It looks like a kitten ,” he protested, and the corner of his mouth quivered.
“Well, you’re wrong!”
“Wait…fox? Are you-” Nathaniel pinched his nose. “...is this a Black Fox thing? That dashing thief character from those exaggerated Orlesian serials?”
I gasped in performative horror. “Are you accusing me of being Orlesian? How dare! ”
“Yes, because that’s more offensive than being called an infamous thief,” Nathaniel retorted dryly. “Fine, then, I’m sure this isn’t a case of hero worship for those silly stories you and Delilah most certainly don’t devour. Why did you choose a fox, then?”
I pointed at my auburn hair. “I basically have the pelt already, why not a fox?” He glowered skeptically. Blast it. Guess he knows me too well. I hesitated, feeling exposed. “Foxes are fantastic! And clever! Foxes solve problems without brute force, finding sneaky ways in, to cause havoc. They can even steal from bears !” Foxes can accomplish amazing things even when no one else believes they’re strong.
Nathaniel’s eyes glimmered in sardonic amusement, and I remembered a moment too late that his family crest was a bear. “You have stolen our hearts,” he conceded, because he was far too smooth and accidentally flirtatious for his own good.
I chuckled, ignoring the squeeze in my heart. I put a hand on his shoulder, forcing his attention. Piercing grey eyes stared at me, past his sharp and distinguished nose and a faintly worried frown. “Nathaniel,” I said gently, and he drew in a breath. “It’s because I’m a noble that I have to do this. If we’re supposed to be in charge, then we’re also supposed to fix problems. You can’t stop me from helping someone who needs it.”
For some reason, that made his face seem to warm with affection, a smile playing on his lips. “No. I suppose not. Wish I could stop you from risking yourself, though.”
I laughed, grinning widely, even though I knew he couldn’t see. “Please, Nathaniel. What could hurt me?”
Present day
A challenge like that had to be answered, really. Of course the Maker would want to just kick in my teeth. But it served a chilling reminder.
I was born to wealth and power.
I have a duty to the kingdom that propped me up, and more importantly, the people within it.
They deserved better than me. But hadn’t life taught me that we were rarely given what we deserve?
I couldn’t fail.
“C’mon,” I said roughly, pulling my cloak tighter, mouth set to a grim line. My heart still thudded with every step. But I had a duty to press forward. I had to be the noble my countryfolk needed.
And where I couldn’t do that much, I had to at least fake it.