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Hendery has spent the last few hours watching Dejun play guitar. It’s easy to stare at him like this. His white-silver hair looks soft resting on his forehead. The sleeves of his loose long-sleeved shirt are pushed up, exposing the branches that decorate one arm. They watch the deft way his fingers dance along the frets, weaving a melody seemingly out of nowhere. This one sounds sweet, a departure from the music that they’re used to hearing from him and his band. They wonder who this one is about.
Dejun is always looking for something. Chasing a feeling, Hendery thinks. He seeks it out in a drummer from another hardcore band and a pretty guitarist from an all-girl band and a bass player who was sweet and kind but in love with their bandmate.
Hendery a little jealous of them all, especially since they know that whatever feeling Dejun is chasing is what they have found in him.
Dejun begins humming a melody.
They’ve never heard Dejun actually sing, but they imagine based on the warmness of his humming that his singing voice would be lovely.
“Sounds pretty,” Hendery says, “what you’re humming.”
Dejun looks up at him. “You think?”
“Yeah,” they reply, “It’s different from what you usually write but it’s really pretty. I like it a lot.”
“It’s not for the band,” Dejun explains. That’s a new development. Of all the times Hendery has spent with Dejun watching him write they don’t think they’ve ever seen Dejun write something for himself. It trips them up, wondering what it could be that’s inspiring him to write something like this.
“Kun and Ten are planning a night out tomorrow. Want our bands to be friends,” Dejun says, getting up and putting his guitar back on its stand.
“Tomorrow?” They look up at Dejun for confirmation. “Kun mentioned wanting to do it soon, didn’t realize they meant this soon.”
“Ten just messaged our band chat and said it’s tomorrow. Dinner, drinks, and then we’re gonna go see some bands play. Hey, did you know Kun and Yangyang have been hanging out?” Dejun adds casually.
They freeze. “That I didn’t expect.”
Dejun purses his lips. “I don’t think I’m supposed to know. I saw them together the other day in Hongdae, just the two of them.”
“Did it seem like they were together?” Hendery asks, hoping Dejun understands what they’re implying.
Dejun shrugs. “I don’t know Kun that well so I’m not sure if they were acting any different but Yangyang definitely likes them. He wears his heart on his sleeve.”
Hendery almost laughs at that, thinking of the way they know they look at Dejun whenever they’re together or if they run into each other backstage at a venue.
They wonder if it’s a drummer thing.
-
Hendery first met Dejun when their bands were both performing at the same band night. Their bands were the only obviously queer bands, WayV especially because of how Hendery presents and New Heroes, Dejun’s band, because of the number of fucking rainbow flags they have on everything. Because of that, they watched each other’s sets and introduced themselves afterward. Hendery had hung back watching them all talk and drink the way they always do around new people, especially when they’re wearing their trademark cherry red glossy lipstick and a Slipknot shirt they stole from Kun and cut into a crop top. They’re beginning to feel a bit anxious.
“Hey, come outside for a cigarette with me?” the guitarist said to them out of nowhere.
Hendery doesn’t smoke but they nod, desperate for actual space, and followed him out.
“I’m Dejun, Leo, ‘99 liner,” he rattled off.
“Hendery, non-binary, Libra, also ‘99,” they hesitated before adding, ”I don’t smoke.”
Dejun lit his cigarette. “That’s fine, you looked uncomfortable inside so I thought I’d give you an out.”
“Oh,” Hendery replied. They were caught off guard by that, they’re not sure what they were expecting from Dejun but that he noticed how uncomfortable they were feeling wasn’t it.
“So Hendery, they/them, Libra, ‘99, drummer,” Dejun said, taking a puff of his cigarette, “You’re a really fucking good drummer.”
Hendery blushed. “Not so bad yourself, guitarist.”
It was a bit awkward, Hendery just standing next to Dejun while he smoked but they were glad to be able to get out of the venue for a little bit.
“God it’s cold,” Hendery muttered under their breath in Cantonese, the breeze hitting their exposed thighs.
Dejun’s attention turned back to them instantly. “You speak Cantonese?” He asked, the conversation immediately shifting to Cantonese.
“Yeah,” they replied, unable to fight the smile that bloomed on their face. It had been ages since they have been able to talk to someone other than Yukhei in Cantonese instead of Mandarin or Korean.
Dejun smiled at them widely and it broke whatever unapproachable image Hendery had been painting of him. His eyes crinkle and his presence exuded kindness. It’s honestly probably why Hendery had ended up in Dejun’s bed that night. They don’t usually do things like that but they left in the morning after a convenience store run for coffee and breakfast wearing one of Dejun’s shirts that they still have and Dejun’s number in their phone.
They never talk about it. It never comes up and it’s never been awkward between them. Hendery thinks about it often, especially as they watch Dejun meet and sleep with other people while their feelings for him seem to grow and grow.
-
Hendery is having a bad day. It’s just one of those days—they slept awfully, their coffee order was wrong and they realized way too late to get it fixed, they somehow lost all the edits they made to their KiriBaku fic and had to redo all of their work for the day. They just feel a little off. Maybe even a lot. They manage to nap for a bit but they don’t wake up when their alarm goes off. Hendery doesn’t even wake up that late, they could rush and make it on time but instead, they decide to just get ready at their own pace, letting Kun know what's up and hoping by the time they leave their apartment, they feel a little more settled.
There’s never any rhyme or reason to what makes them feel weird. They try on a shit ton of outfits—everything keeps making them feel bad. Their hips look too weird in skirts Their shoulders and chest too broad for any of their dresses. They huff out a sigh, almost considering not going out at all. They take a few minutes to wallow, putting music loud and screaming along as they finally settle on something to wear. They pick out black cargo pants and fishnets that make it look like they have a waist because of the cut and one of Dejun’s My Chemical Romance shirts that they’ve taken and turned into a crop top. They look cute, even if they don’t really feel it. When they take their phone off the charger they see they have a message from Kun, letting them know they can take their time.
They show up to the address Kun sends them later than they expected, just missing their train and having to wait ten minutes for another and then getting fucked over by a transfer but they finally get there, finding everyone at the bar inside of the restaurant.
“You look cute,” Dejun says in their ear when he gives them a hug hello.
As Hendery’s brain short circuits, Yukhei is dropping an arm around their shoulder and Renjun places a shot in their hand.
“Drink up, Henni,” Yangyang says, “You gotta catch up by the time we get seated.”
Hendery takes the shot and winces. It makes Yangyang laugh loudly. He takes the shot glass from their hand and somehow replaces it with another, like some sleight of hand trick. They’re pretty sure they never even looked away from him long enough for him to get another shot from the bartender. Kun is next to him though, with a deceptively innocent look on their face and that might explain a lot, especially when he remembers what Dejun told them about Kun and Yangyang.
“You’re lucky we planned on meeting up so early,” Kun says kindly.
Sicheng peers out from behind them. “Drink more.”
Hendery throws back the shot and winces. “You’re all horrible and trying to get me drunk.”
Renjun laughs melodically from next to Yukhei. “Well, we’re going to succeed so get ready, Hendery.”
They drink during dinner and then they all head to the venue and drink even more. Hendery knows Sicheng used to fill in as bassist for Neo Culture but it turns out Ten knows all of them too. Yukhei’s boyfriend’s band, who only mentioned that Mark’s band was playing the night before as he was heading to Mark’s. Renjun, New Heroes’ bassist also knows another band playing so it made sense for this to be their outing of the night. It’s why they even bother paying the cover fee to get in instead of just barhopping all night. Hendery doesn’t mind, they love going to shows but a part of them thinks it would be nice to actually talk to Dejun’s bandmates and get to know them would be nice.
Hendery and Kun know the venue well enough that they can sneak off into the one gender-neutral bathroom in the place once they get in while the rest of them get settled in at the bar. The best part is the full-length mirror inside. They’re drunk and giggling on each other, taking stupid selfies. It’s nice seeing Kun let loose like this.
“Hey, Kun can I ask you something,” Hendery says seriously.
“What’s up?”
“You and Yangyang?”
Kun flushes instantly at that. “Taking it slow. You and Dejun?”
“You know that’s nothing,” they reply, a little sharp.
“No,” Kun says slowly. “I know what you’ve told me and that’s been that it’s nothing. It’s differently actually watching you two together and not for a few minutes when we see him at venues.”
They go back to a round of shots waiting for them at the bar.
“Drink up,” Ten says. He pounds back his shot and turns his attention to Hendery.
He watches in amusement as they take the shot and wince. They don’t know why they always say yes to vodka shots when they hate vodka.
“Why does your face do that?” Ten asks. “Why do you wince like that?”
“What-”
“You wince all dramatically and your face does a weird thing.” Ten eyes them before he says, “Hm. You’re like a living meme. I like you.”
Hendery laughs, not sure how to handle that. “Thank you, I think?”
“I can see why Dejun likes you so much,” he adds. “Hey, how do you drum in dresses? I’ve always wondered.”
Hendery blinks trying to process the first half of what Ten says, “I wear shorts underneath them? Is that what you mean?”
Ten nods pensively. “Smart. Let’s get another round so I can watch you wince again.”
Ten calls out for another round, clapping happily when the bartender brings them over Hendery’s thoughts go back to what Ten had said about Dejun and what Kun had said in the bathroom. The hope, the potential, scares them a little. They feel like all of their eyes have been pried wide open because of Ten’s casual drunk words.
Hendery didn’t actually bother checking which bands are playing tonight other than Neo Culture. It turns out this is a huge mistake as they watch Neo Culture walk towards them with Dream trailing behind them, like baby ducks following their mothers.
They’re being a little dramatic—Hendery likes the Dreamies a lot, they’re all really cool and they’re around their age so it’s natural hanging out with them backstage. The issue is that they haven’t seen Jeno since whatever happened with them and Dejun happened. They like Jeno, they talk to them occasionally, keeping in touch. (They have a group chat, of the handful of non-binary people in the scene. The chat isn’t crazy active, they’ll meet up sometimes but it’s usually reserved for warnings of where it’s not safe or who to avoid.)
Jeno seems like the ideal ex-partner/ex-whatever it was that was going on between them and Dejun. They’re kind— probably to a fault. They never seem to hold a grudge. They seem like the kind of person who means it when they say they want to stay friends and make it work without it being awkward. Hendery only has good things to say about them, which makes this feel weird in a way they weren’t expecting.
“Hey Hendery,” Jeno says, their eyes crinkling warmly. Their hair is freshly dyed blonde, it looks really good. “It’s been a while, how have you been?” They must finally notice Dejun on the other side of them because their eyes widen in surprise. “Dejun, hey.”
“Hey,” Dejun replies. “What’s up, how’s Jaemin?” Hendery is kind of confused because it’s not awkward, there’s no harshness that creeps into his voice mentioning Jaemin.
“Good, we’re good. Have you-”
“Not yet,” Dejun says cryptically.
“Hm,” Jeno hums, ”Get on that. It was nice seeing you guys, we just wanted to say hi before our set.”
“Was good seeing you,” Hendery finally says, “We should catch up soon.”
Jeno nods earnestly, their blond hair going all over. “Definitely, I’ll message you.”
As they both watch Jeno go back to their band and all of them and Neo Culture go backstage, Hendery considers asking Dejun what Jeno was talking about.
“I’ll be right back,” Dejun says, “I’ll get us drinks before it starts.”
Dejun walks away and so does probably the best chance Hendery would have had to ask about Jeno.
As the first group starts, a band that Hendery vaguely remembers opening for them once, Dejun comes back, putting what they hope is a tequila soda into their hand.
They’re content to just vibe to the crashing cymbals, melodic screaming, and breakdown after breakdown, on the good side of tipsy with Dejun tucked next to them and a drink in their hand.
-
Hendery isn’t sure how it happens.
They end up leaving together when everyone else does but both of them aren’t tired enough to call it quits. They end up in a park together, sitting on the grass and talking, still a bit drunk.
“Hey, Hendery?” Dejun says out of nowhere. “I want you to listen to this, it’s that song I was working on the other day when you were over. I want your opinion on it.”
Dejun hands them his phone and his headphones. Hendery pops them in, stealing a glance at Dejun who looks uncharacteristically nervous.
They hit play and immediately hear the melody Dejun was crafting the other night. A deep voice begins singing and Hendery feels like their whole world just stopped.
“Wait,” They say suddenly, quickly hitting pause, “Who’s singing? Is this you? It is, right?”
“Mhmm.”
Hendery exhales shoddily. “Your voice is so nice, what the fuck. I knew it would be but wow.”
Hendery restarts the song and really listens to it. It’s beautiful. It’s more polished than when he was still working on it. They wonder how much time he’s put into it, or when he's even managed to work on it. It’s so warm— it feels like Dejun in all of the best ways, his always solid and calming presence fused perfectly with how he puts his all into everything he touches. Once it ends they look up at Dejun and restart it to focus on the lyrics.
They were right about it being a love song. It's eating them alive wondering who it could be about. As far as they know, Dejun hasn't been seeing anyone. It makes it even more confusing.
"Who's it about," Hendery finally finds the courage to ask. They can feel their heartbeat beating out a rhythm that feels like when they get behind their drum kit when it’s the only place in the world they want to be.
Dejun looks up at them, his eyes warm. "Dery. Are you for real?"
Their breath catches at the nickname. "Yeah?"
Dejun sighs. "It's about you, Hendery."
"No," they reply slowly. "Why would it be about me?"
He laughs. "You can't be serious. Why wouldn't it be about you?"
"It never seemed like you liked me back," they reply, not looking back up at him. They begin to peel off their nail polish out of nervousness from the weight of Dejun's attention.
Dejun doesn't say anything for a few minutes and that's when Hendery realizes what they said.
"I like you too," Dejun says, "For a while now. I just didn't know how to tell you."
They suddenly get up, feeling completely disjointed from their own body. It feels stupid to run from something that he's always wanted to hear, thinking it would never happen once it does, but it's what Hendery does. Dejun doesn't follow them and they're not sure if it's because they caught him off guard or if it's because he knows that Hendery needs to be alone to process everything.
Hendery runs away from the things that scare them. They ran away from their confusion about their gender and body and what it all means with drumming. They managed to run Dejun when they realized just how substantial their feelings for him with recording an album and a short tour, trying to keep their distance from him until they got it all under control. Hendery runs and runs. They can’t help but laugh a little as they really run away. The streets are empty as their breathing evens out and their run slows to walk.
They’re near their apartment, they realize as they place the neon lights of the storefronts in their mind. They grab their airpods from their backpack and put them in their ears. They just put on some Cantonese oldies, something that will put them at ease so they can tune out everything else. Now that they can clear their head, they really do feel like an idiot for running from Dejun. They hate that their default reaction is to always run, they wish they could stop doing that— stop getting in the way of their own happiness when it’s within their grasp.
They don’t really understand the impulse but they take out their phone and call him.
Dejun doesn’t even say hi when he picks up, he immediately launches into yelling at Hendery, which they absolutely deserve. “You Naruto ran from me... Dery, what the actual fuck. You’re so lucky you’re cute.”
“I didn’t Naruto run, I normal ran away.”
“No,” Dejun says, Hendery hearing the judgment in his voice which they probably deserve, “you put your hands behind your back and fucking ran.”
Hendery blanches when they realize that Dejun is right. “That’s embarrassing. I’m embarrassing.”
“It is and you are,” he agrees, “Where are you?”
“Near my apartment, why?”
“Because I wanna see you. I’ll be there soon. Please don’t run away again,” Dejun says, hanging up.
Hendery waits outside of their building, alternating between checking down the street to see if they see Dejun coming and looking at their phone. They finally see Dejun’s silver hair and small frame approaching, looking like he had run at least halfway here. It’s weird to think that he was in a rush to see them.
“You didn’t run again,” Dejun teases.
“I freaked out,” Hendery replies.
“I don’t really get why. I wrote a song about you and you said you liked me?”
Hendery shrugs. “Dunno.”
They shiver, the cold finally finding them as their alcohol that was in their system completely dissipates. Their stomach is covered in goosebumps.
“Come inside,” Hendery suggests.
Hendery leads Dejun into their bedroom. They act like everything is normal and not like their relationship is on the verge of some monumental shift. They tug off their dress and shorts and throw them into their laundry basket.
They feel Dejun’s eyes following them, watching them grab a shirt, Dejun’s shirt from that night, and pulling it on. Usually, they want to shrink when they feel eyes on them, but they never seem to mind it when it’s Dejun. Especially when he’s looking at them like that. They grab another shirt and shorts and throws them at Dejun.
“For you to sleep in,” they say when Dejun catches them. Dejun raises an eyebrow at them.
“It’s like 4 am, Dejun. Just change,” Hendery says, “I need to wash my face but I’ll meet you in the living room. We can talk, I guess.”
They leave the room before Dejun replies. They take their time in the bathroom, carefully taking off their makeup, washing their face, and going through the rest of their routine. It’s a lot to process, Dejun being here and why he’s here. They’re scared to talk to him even though they want to.
When Hendery leaves the bathroom, Dejun is already on the couch waiting for them.
“Where’s Yukhei?” Dejun asks as Hendery approaches.
“He usually spends the weekends with Mark, especially after Neo Culture shows.” They scoot closer to Dejun on the couch, sitting with their legs crossed and turning towards him. “So you like me.”
“Yeah,” he replies, mimicking Hendery’s actions so they’re facing each other. He seems a little blindsided by Hendery’s bluntness.
“For how long?” They ask.
“A few months now. Longer maybe.”
“What...” they want to ask what makes them different than everyone else Dejun has fallen for over the last year-plus. They want to know so badly but they don’t want it to come off as judging or something.
“What?” Dejun asks. “You can be honest with me, Hendery. Ask me whatever you need.”
When they look into Dejun’s eyes, they can see he means it. “What makes me different,” they say quietly. They look back down at their hands, their nail polish completely picked away. “What makes me different than everyone else?”
“I don’t know,” Dejun says quietly. “I don’t know how to phrase it. You’re just different from everyone else. I always compared everyone to you.”
Hendery looks at the tattoo on Dejun’s arm. They’ve always liked the way the delicate black lines of the tree grow up and bloom into the soft colors of the flowers of his upper arm. They’re always obscured, either by short sleeves or sweaters so they’ve only really properly them that night they slept together. They have the tree part committed to memory, they wish the flowers were too.
“Okay,” they finally say. “I get that but I need you to try. I can’t just take your word for it, Dejun.”
“I…”
Dejun’s lack of words hurts. They know they’re holding him to some absurd standard that isn’t fair and they’re being needlessly difficult but they can’t help it.
“Wait,” Dejun says, “I know you’re overthinking this and I don’t want you to take it the wrong way. I practiced what I wanted to say with Yangyang but it’s way harder when it’s actually with you. I’m just nervous, you make me nervous. I don’t wanna mess this up.”
Dejun seems a little anxious but so sure of himself, convicted to each word Hendery can imagine him writing out in his mind.
“My biggest regret is that I didn’t ask you out that morning,” he says calmly. “I thought that was my only chance so I just moved on.”
Hendery refuses to look up from Dejun’s hands nervously fidgeting. They feel the monumental weight of his gaze on them, but they just can’t do anything about it. “Or at least I convinced myself I did. At first, I didn’t realize why nothing ever felt right with other people. But then Jeno made it kind of clear that it’s obvious seeing when someone else is avoiding things. Both of us were.”
“What actually happened with you two?”
“They said we deserved better than running from people who make us happy. I was mad, I thought they were just looking for a way to end whatever we were doing for Jaemin.”
“That doesn’t really sound like Jeno,” Hendery responds.
Dejun huffs out a laugh. “I was wrong. We met up for coffee maybe a month ago and they very kindly talked me through my feelings about you and why I was doing what I was doing.”
“That sounds way more like Jeno.”
Hendery finally follows the line of Dejun’s tattoo up his arm and to his face, where he’s looking at them with adoration, his eyes impossibly warm. “It was weird talking to them about it but they made me realize a lot of things. I always was comparing everyone to you, always. But no one was ever as funny or as weird or as easy to be with as you.”
“Dejun—"
“I like you for those reasons,” he continues, “I like you because you Naruto run from me and you keep buying and trying to put together Gundams but give up every time and that you keep me company when I play guitar. I like that you’re unapologetically yourself.”
“I like you so much,” Hendery replies softly. “I never expected this, I guess.”
They’re not ready for what this conversation needs of them. There’s a lot they need to say to be honest and they don’t think they’re ready for that right now.
“This is a lot,” they continue, “I need some time.”
Dejun’s face falls but he quickly schools it back to stoic. “Okay,” he replies. “Take as much time as you need.”
Hendery gets up but grabs Dejun’s hand hoping it’s reassuring. “You can sleep in my room, I’ll sleep in Yukhei’s. We can get coffee in the morning. Good night, Dejun.”
“Good night, Hendery,” he replies softly.
It takes ages for them to fall asleep knowing Dejun is on the other side of the wall. They feel overwhelmed. They feel like they fucked up, even though they know they didn’t really fuck up. They do need time. They need to collect their thoughts, and figure out a way to lay it out for Dejun so it makes sense and he can understand what the fuck he’s actually getting himself into with them.
The morning is awkward. Dejun must have barely slept judging by the bags under his eyes but he’s back in the clothes he wore last night, Hendery’s clothes neatly folded up on the end of their bed.
They grab coffee from the convenience store and go back up to Hendery’s apartment. It’s awkward, so fucking awkward but Hendery wants to enjoy Dejun’s presence the best they can while they can.
Once they finish up Hendery walks Dejun back towards the door.
“I just need some space for a little,” they reply. “It’s a lot.”
Dejun nods and smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes, making Hendery’s heart drop. “You know where to find me, Dery.”
-
It’s been a week, a long week.
Hendery isn’t having a good time, like at all. They’re kind of miserable and they’re sure they would be awful to be around too. They’re moping around their apartment to the point where Yukhei keeps going to Mark’s and will just bring them back dinner and other snacks they know Hendery likes. Yukhei’s quiet support is probably the only thing keeping them a little bit okay as they try to work out everything.
They miss Dejun like crazy.
-
Nothing is scarier than when Kun has had enough of anyone’s bullshit. Hendery must wince just like when they take shots when they get the text from them, a short and blunt studio today, see you soon.
It's definitely code for Yukhei doesn’t know what to do anymore and he’s begging me to sort your shit out so that’s what I’m going to fucking do.
They can feel the waves of judgment coming from Kun, who is watching them like a hawk from the chair in their makeshift studio.
“You are so annoying, I think,” Kun finally says.
“Yahhh,” they whine.
“I can’t believe you’re here instead of with Dejun. Idiot.”
“You’re right," they admit, “I am annoying. He scares me.”
Kun rolls their eyes. “No, he doesn’t.”
They sigh deeply. They hate it when Kun calls them out on their bullshit, as much as they really need it. “No, he doesn’t.”
“Talk to me Hendery, I can’t help if you don’t tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I don’t wanna say it, you’re gonna look at me all sad.”
“You can’t avoid this forever,” Kun says delicately. “Xuxi has been worried. I figured you probably needed some time and a push to talk. Tell me what happened?”
“He wrote a song about me. He wrote a really incredible song about me and-”
The words are stuck in Hendery’s mouth like molasses; sticky and heavy and they feel like they’re choking on them.
“I can’t read your mind,” Kun replies quietly. “I won’t judge you, I promise. I just want to help.”
Hendery feels like a contradiction.
“It doesn’t make sense. I like myself, a lot. Really. But I don’t get why someone else would.” It makes sense in their head but they feel like they’re just running their mouth and no one can keep up with their thoughts, the way it beats out of them, heavy like a double bass drum. “I know he was telling the truth and I believe him but like. I feel like loving me is too hard and too much to expect from anyone.”
They finally look up at Kun, who is looking at them with a pensive look on their face. There’s no judgment, to their relief. It looks more like understanding. Kun may not be able to read minds but they know what Hendery means, what they’re saying without forcing them to say the exact words that they don’t think they can say yet.
“I think you should let Dejun prove you wrong,” Kun finally says.
“Is that what you’re doing with Yangyang?” They ask before they can stop their mouth from moving. They don’t mean to and they’re pretty sure Kun is about to kill them. But Kun has a soft smile on their face as if they know much more than Hendery could ever dream of.
“Yeah,” they reply as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. “It is.”
-
Hendery leaves Kun’s feeling a little lighter. They manage to book a practice room for the next day after their shift at the music store they work at. They could always go to their own rehearsal space with their own drum kit but the change of scenery is always good for them when they need it.
They get everything out— breaking stick after stick and playing along to their favorite songs until they feel at ease again.
They wipe the sweat from their forehead as they lay on the floor, relieved they always keep hair ties on their wrist, and was able to put their hair up in a tiny ponytail before they started playing.
Coming to terms with their gender was easy. It wasn’t just what they liked or how they wanted to dress, it was how they felt. Moving away from home helped, where they no longer had to hear their old name anymore, where they could wear what they want and not have to explain that they simply exist on their own terms with their own hang-ups and dysphoria. Accepting that was easy. They sometimes hate the broadness of their shoulders, the straightness of their hips, and the way their facial hair always seems a bit worse when they’re feeling like this.
That’s part of them though. The good and the bad. And yeah, sometimes they’re crippled with dysphoria but they’re fucking great— they’re funny and weird and look great in dresses and can do dope shit with makeup and they’re fucking hot, they’re hot in their dresses and slinky tops and they’re hot in button-downs and baggy cargo pants. The bad doesn’t outweigh the good they see in themself.
Even feeling the way they do about themself, they can’t seem to get why someone would look at them and see the whole package— when the bad is what it is and still want them. they don’t get it, why they feel this way. They see other non-binary people, Jeno and now Kun, being able to let others in and they wonder why they can’t.
It’s why Dejun scares them so much. They see how genuine he is and they’re fucking scared to tear down their walls, no matter how badly they want to.
Hendery pouts, taking their hair out of the ponytail and running a hand through their hair. They want to be brave. They type and retype a message over and over again, not sure what to say but they finally text Dejun a short hey dejun let’s talk?
Dejun replies right away.
-
Dejun comes over Friday night.
He shows up wearing glasses and an oversized sweatshirt that Hendery really wants to take from him. It’s just like that night all over again, the two of them sitting on the couch facing each other.
“You wanna date me right?” Hendery asks. Dejun nods his head slowly.
“Okay. Let’s watch something.”
Dejun looks at him dumbfounded. “What do you mean okay?”
“We can date if you want,” Hendery clarifies. They thought they were being pretty clear about what they meant.
“Shouldn’t we talk about it?”
“We just did?”
Dejun laughs, translating what Hendery actually means. “Later then. What do you wanna watch?”
Hendery picked a random movie for them to watch, just the first recommended animated thing on Netflix. They’re both not really paying attention but they’re taking advantage of the time to gather their words for this conversation that is going to suck but be so fucking worth it.
“We can talk for real now, right?” Dejun asks, not even pretending to be looking at the television.
“Fuck,” they reply, “Okay, yeah. We can talk, I guess.”
Hendery tries their best to shake out their insecurities but they’re still here, looming. They keep reminding themself that it’s worth it, that it’s worth being open with Dejun about everything.
“Dating is hard for me,” Hendery says. “Because I’m non-binary,” they add.
Dejun waits expecting them to continue but the words are trapped. He must take Hendery’s silence as permission to talk, to their relief.
“I don’t know how to say this right,” he says nervously, “But I like everything about you Hendery, that included. You being non-binary is just another thing about you that I know matters a lot to you, does that make sense?”
“Oh,” Hendery responds, “And you get that I have weird hang-ups about my body that varies each day, and what works one day might not work the next?”
“I mean, you have to tell me those things. You know that right? Maybe we’ll get to a point where I’ll just know but you have to tell me when things are bothering you. I want to know.”
Hendery can’t really believe what they’re hearing. “You want to?”
“Yeah,” Dejun says. He sounds so sure of it. “I care about you, Hendery. It’s that clear to me. I wanna try my best with you, I’ll probably fuck up but I want to try.”
Hendery takes a deep breath and dives in. “Okay. Let’s do this.”
They end up in Hendery’s bed, the two of them shirtless and sleepy. Hendery finally gets to trace the delicate lines of the tattoos that run up Dejun’s arm and onto his chest like they’ve always wanted to. The flowers that adorn him seem more beautiful now that Hendery gets to do this.
“Tickles,” Dejun giggles as their finger reach his collarbones.
“Did they hurt?”
Dejun grabs Hendery’s hand, pulling them off balance and making them land on his chest. He hugs them tightly. “A lot. But I just watched movies and stuff.”
“They’re really pretty,” they say. “I always stare at them whenever they’re visible. They fit you, I think.”
“I forget about them sometimes,” Dejun admits. “I’m so used to them being there.”
“Would you get more?” Hendery asks.
Dejun is quiet for a minute, his hand coming up and running through Hendery’s hair, making them lean into the affection.
“Probably at some point.”
“I’ll get one with you,” Hendery says softly. “I don’t know what, but I would.”
Dejun’s hand moves from their hair to the back of their neck, pulling them back in for a kiss that they immediately deepen. It feels like coming home, being in Dejun’s arms like this with every bit of feeling for him in their body feeling significant, reciprocated.
Dejun’s pupils are blown when they pull away to look at him, his lips are bruised red, and they can feel his heartbeat race against their chest. It blows their mind a little bit, how genuinely and fiercely Dejun actually wants them.
-
WayV and New Heroes are playing tonight in a showcase, with some of the other bands in the scene. It’s a bigger deal this time— for both of them. They both have substantial set times, 30 minutes each. They usually just head to venues together but this time Hendery has a last-minute shift at the music store that has them running to the venue right from work. They change in the bathroom, from one of Dejun’s sweatshirts, jeans, and their beat-up Vans into a black leather jacket they took from Dejun, a baby pink frill trimmed dress with little hearts, big chunky Docs, and a matching pink leather choker with a metal heart for good measure. Their makeup will have to wait for when they get there.
Everything seems to be working out for them, as they get down the stairs their train is pulling up, both transfers are on time, and they’re relieved they don’t have to text Kun telling them that they’re running late. They have plenty of time actually, so once they get to the venue they’re on a mission. Hendery finds Dejun backstage with Rejun and Ten. Yangyang is nowhere in sight so they imagine that he’s with Kun wherever their band is right now. Dejun doesn’t notice them yet, so they take advantage, tackling him with a big hug and surprising him with a wet kiss on his cheek.
“Did you get lipstick on me?” Dejun whines in lieu of a hello.
“Didn’t put it on yet,” they grin, “I figured I’d be nice.”
Dejun looks him up and down, his eyes lingering just a bit longer on Hendery’s exposed thighs, making them flush under the attention.
“Your dress is cute,” Dejun says. “You look really cute.”
“I always look cute though.”
“Hendery,” Dejun says exasperatedly, even if he means it his smile is enough for Hendery to smile back, letting him go and kissing his mouth.
“Go put on your makeup,” Dejun says, “You’ll watch our set right?”
“Obviously,” Hendery replies. “Play me something pretty.”
Dejun flushes red. “Maybe I will.”
Hendery kisses him one last time. “Kill it, I know you will.”
They run to the bathroom, quickly going through their makeup routine relieved they already had foundation, blush, and their highlight and contour done from work. Hendery doesn’t do anything outrageous this time, not really feeling it. Sometimes some days just call for a smokey red eye a la Three Cheers era Frank Iero and some clear lip gloss instead of their usual red like it’s the '90s. They look fucking cute.
“Hey,” Kun says as they approach them. They must have just missed Yangyang since he’s nowhere to be seen. “I checked over your kit for you already everything’s set. Also, have an extra box of sticks for you.”
Kun is never like this, this calm before a show. It’s suspicious.
“Yangyang,” Yukhei says from behind Kun. “It’s because Yangyang was here before. He somehow calmed Kun’s crazy pre-show anxiety. Can you believe it? Yangyang calming Kun? It was weird to watch even if Sicheng and I had ended up doing everything because now maybe Kun won’t want to kill us for chilling.”
“Stop speaking in Cantonese behind my back you fucking ghouls,” Kun says. They do seem calm. ”Sichengie, they’re being mean to me.”
Sicheng looks up from his phone where he’s probably playing some game. “At least bully Kun in a way I can understand.”
“Thank you for the sticks Kun,” Hendery says sweetly. “Love youuuu.”
Kun smiles at that. “Love you too.”
“You two can go watch Dejun and Yangyang,” Sicheng says, still not looking up from his phone. “Xuxi and I can get everything ready to set up.”
“Mark’s almost here too,” Yukhei adds, “He’ll help us. Go.”
They get to the side of the stage right as the lights come up on them.
“Hello,” Ten calls out loudly. Hendery is always amazed at how much Ten seems to thrive under the lights and among the screaming of the audience. “We are the New Heroes, we hope you guys have a good time with us.”
They immediately launch into a song, heavy with the double bass drum and bass guitar. Hendery knows they’re fucking incredible but it’s astounding to watch how they always seem to get better and better.
Dejun especially, or maybe it’s just because their attention has always been on him this whole time.
“We have a new song for you,” Ten says after they play a few songs. “Our sweet darling ice prince looking ass guitarist Dejun wrote it.”
Hendery’s eyes widen and they begin hitting Kun’s arm. “I heard,” Kun whines under their breath.
Hendery definitely audibly gasps after the song starts with a melodic guitar intro and Dejun singing. “Kun,” they whisper, shock coloring their voice, “ Kun.”
“Holy shit,” Kun murmurs, “I didn’t know he could sing.”
Hendery just nods, listening to the beautiful way Dejun and Ten’s voice mix.
The lyrics are… This time Hendery doesn’t have to second guess anything, they know it’s about them.
Hendery is in a daze from the second New Heroes’ set is over, only having time to hug and give Dejun a quick kiss before beginning to set up their drum kit, to the second they’re sitting behind it, sticks in hand and ready for their set to begin. They feel on top of the fucking world as the lights rise up on them. Kun shifts into their stage persona and Hendery launches into their first song.
They find New Heroes by the bar after they’ve packed up their shit in Kun’s car. The plan is that Kun drops off their stuff at their rehearsal space with Yukhei and Sicheng while they find Yangyang and Dejun before heading out to meet everyone else to get barbeque.
It’s crowded and it’s always awkward when people acknowledge them, but they make small talk with anyone who says hi or compliments their dress. They’re beginning to get a little frustrated, still not able to see Dejun’s silver head or Yangyang’s purple one anywhere when they finally hear Dejun say their name from beside them.
Dejun’s hand finds their waist and he pulls them in close.
“Well?” Dejun asks.
“I didn’t think you were actually going to play me something pretty.”
“So you liked it?”
Hendery gets lipgloss all over Dejun’s face, kissing him all over. “Obviously. You need to sing on more New Heroes songs, I think.”
“Hey, Henni. That’s what Ten said too,” Yangyang says as he strolls up behind them. “You should convince Dejun that it’s a good idea. Let’s go?”
They follow Yangyang, weaving in and out of the crowd to get out of the venue. Dejun grabs their hand, lacing their fingers together as they try to keep up with Yangyang. It’s crowded still and they can tell it’s going to take a bit to make their way out, especially as they see people still stopping them to say hello. It’s perfect though, it gives Hendery a few minutes to think.
Hendery has been spending a lot of time lately with Kun songwriting. They’ve gotten good at some aspects of it but the part that they really want to conquer, lyrics, has been a lot harder. They’ve been working on a song about Dejun for what feels like ages and they’re a little annoyed that Dejun has beaten him to writing a song. Again. They’ve been looking for the perfect words to describe what Dejun feels like to them, the words that will ideally get them writing. As Dejun pulls him through the crowd, tightening his grip on Hendery’s hand, they think they’ve figured it out.