Work Text:
Melissophobia
Noun
An irrational or extreme fear of bees.
Incognitphobia
Noun
An irrational or extreme fear of the unknown or unfamiliar.
—
Xisuma watches as Impulse animatedly explains Tango’s fearful nightmare after Tango informs them of his fear of being forgotten. It’s the second fear related ‘coming out’ of sorts that’s happened recently. First Bdubs, now Tango.
A few others mention their own fears after Tango and Impulse finish. Iskall mentions his fear of tense situations and how he tries to do whatever he can to fill a silent moment with laughter or conversation. Ren admits to a fear of being treated like an animal. He nervously explains how just because he’s part dog doesn’t mean he is a dog to which everyone nods in agreement. The last one to mention a fear of theirs is Joe. Xisuma feels his entire body go still as he listens to Joe explain how he’s a little afraid of dogs which is why he wanted to be the dog catcher so he could conquer his fear.
A small part of him almost laughs.
Because Xisuma did and is still doing the same thing.
It was a few years back that Xisuma realized he has an irrationally bad fear of the unknown. Whenever there is an update he becomes nervous. He’s scared of what could be in the update, what could change and hurt him. His way to deal with it?
Exposure.
He’s read up on fears before and exposure is a way to try and get over them. He always involves himself with whatever new mob there is in some way, usually by changing his suit to be themed around it. That way he can power through and usually it helps.
Usually.
But then season 6 ended and they all entered the new world, new season. And the new mob became bees.
Xisuma has never feared a new mob quite as much as bees.
So his solution?
Become a beekeeper so he was forced to face his fear head on.
He still remembers every second of it…
…
Xisuma nervously stares at his yellow helmet. He feels as if he’s putting on the skin of a foe. He isn’t sure why he’s so scared to even wear the helmet. With it’s itenna and little beady eyes. His hands shake as his eyes move over the details.
They’re just bees. Why am I so scared? Everyone seems okay with them and the booklets of information about the update explained them perfectly.
I’m never usually this afraid.
His eyes glance up at the mass amount of birch trees slowly growing. He swallows down his anxiety, bottling it up.
Being the admin and all, he needs to be brave and strong. He’s the one people come to when they need to feel safe and unafraid. Not the other way around. He has a responsibility as the admin to be the rock for everyone else to lean on.
Sometimes that means that he has to get over his fears on his own. But he can do it. He’s dealt with EX, with the watchers. He’s seen hermits die and leave. He’s seen friendships tear apart and form.
A few bees is nothing.
At least that is what he keeps trying to tell himself.
He bites his lip, closing his eyes and shoving the helmet on before he can stop himself. He blinks, staring out of the window in his helmet. The world is tinted a light purple hue and he smiles at his hands, opening and closing them.
I did it, I put the helmet on.
Xisuma laughs in fear. Now he just has to never take his helmet off or look in a mirror till he’s unafraid. Easy peasy. Right?
When the first beehive spawns he feels himself freeze in place. There’s no bees coming out of the hive, yet he feels as if there’s suddenly a thousand bees stinging his skin. He watches the hive, standing in place and staring at it in scared anticipation for nearly ten minutes.
Then a bee buzzes out into the open. It flaps its wings, buzzing contently and moving to look for flowers nearby.
He feels his heart stop the second it appears.
Suddenly every part of him is regretting this, is regretting his stupid stupid ideas and resposiblities and brain. He wishes he’d at least be scared of something else. Something more reasonable. Not something tiny and harmless most of the time.
But here he is, crawling into a ball inside a cave and shaking. He feels his breathing become shaky as he gasps for air. His vision grows more and more blurry from tears which only makes him even more afraid that something will attack him from the blurry unknown that is his current vision. He grabs at his sides, hugging himself as he rocks himself back and forth.
His ears ring and he swears there’s millions of tiny insect legs crawling on his arms and back. He feels millions of tiny stings and he wants to just be swallowed up and permanantly killed right then and there if it’ll end his misery and stupid decisions.
Fear swallows him whole and suddenly he’s floating in the painful stomach acids of regret. He feels himself get eaten alive by the acid until all that’s left is shriveled up pieces of coward.
Xisuma has barely done anything, hasn’t even walked near the beehive, yet he’s going crazy. He’s supposed to be tough.
Maybe he doesn’t even deserve to be admin. It’s sad to think how often he wonders if the world would be better, if the hermits would be happier without him as the admin. He finds himself pondering a lot about the different hermits as admin.
Mumbo, he’s smart and resourceful. He’d be able to improve the server, but Xisuma knows he’d also probably be nervous to do anything as admin.
False, she’s tough and confident. She’d be able to protect everyone. Though she can be intense at times.
Etho, he’s kind and thoughtful. He’d be able to make everyone feel heard and loved, however he’s not very active or present.
You’re the admin so no one else has to be. It’s your burden to bear so stop complaining.
And as if on cue, he feels his communicator vibrate. He sighs and grabs it, looking to see that Cub has messaged him in need of assistance.
I’m the rock. I’m the person people go to, I can solve this on my own. I can be brave without bothering the others.
It’ll be fine.
…
Xisuma slowly gathers more beehives. He stays wary of the bees, eyeing them whenever they buzz out of their hive.
It’s not until he’s in the middle of upgrading his armor that something new happens. He walks back to his beehive spawning point, or more accurately his mess of merged birch trees. His eyes glance around for any new beehive spawns.
They stop at a new hive, a bee buzzing around it.
I’ll wait for it to go back inside to collect the hive.
He sits down and settles on a rock, watching the bee nervously. His half-made diamond armor is tucked in his armpit, stabilizing him so he won’t have any attack. He waits ten minutes, but the bee still remains outside, looking lost as it burrs with curiosity. Xisuma sighs and picks at the grass around his feet.
His eyes narrow as he notices a small flower bulb. Reaching out with his gloved hands, he strokes the small plant with a smile.
You’re a lot less scary than the bee over there.
Every bit of his calm, relaxed energy leaves him as he watches the bee land on his hand. It buzzes happily, moving towards the flower bulb.
Xisuma feels his heart start to race as fearful tears fill his eyes, his head gets so woozy he might just pass out. He’s frozen in place, wishing, praying that the bee will move and leave him alone. That it’ll have mercy on him.
The bee is smaller, he realizes. The other bee’s he’s seen were bigger. He stares at the little insect nervously. His brain mentions that the bee is most likely a baby bee.
Why are you outside your home?
If I were this bee’s family, I’d probably be scared.
Though I’m not this bee’s family and I still am scared. Just a different kind of scared I suppose.
He laughs dryly at the thought.
The baby bee buzzes along with his laughter, turning to stare at him. He notices its tiny black eyes on him. The bee’s small white wings flap back and forth as it stays still on Xisuma’s gloved finger.
The flower bulb sways slightly with the wind, but the bee still looks at him. Grass curls around his hand and for a moment, his heart rate is forgotten. His fear fades.
Xisuma stares at the bee and finds himself smiling a bit.
It’s kinda cute. I mean it is a baby, but I’ve never felt this decent around a bee yet. I still feel like I might pass out any moment. But this little guy is… I’m not that scared of it.
He moves his finger, inching the little bee closer to him. It flutters, walking up his hand, buzzing curiously.
His eyes widen when he spots the stinger. A sudden explosion of anxiety explodes in his chest, he falls back, the little bee falling off his arm and floating. Its wings flap back and forth as it nervously darts towards his arm. It stutters in confused fright, stinging his arm before dropping dead into the grass below.
The broken pieces of his chest crumble into a pile of burnt ash as he watches the bee die. Then more explosions set off in his body, the sting on his arm creating a sparking pain that ripples through his entire arm, spreading across his body. He can feel the poison effect taking over his body as his health bar turns green and starts to drop.
Tears pour from his eyes and he cradles his arm to his chest. He feels his breathing become rigid.
My fear was right, my fears came true, I thought I’d get hurt, and I just did. I’m an idiot, why did I think being a beekeeper would be a good idea, what if they manage to kill me? Sure I’ll respawn, but they could just kill me again. Over and over. Stinging forever. I should stop, quit this now.
But I already told everyone and they’re already expecting this role from me. I can’t let them down…
I really am a failure of a player and an admin.
Then his eyes notice a yellow blur in the grass. He scrubs at his eyes, hissing in pain. He notices the small bee’s corpse.
Xisuma gently picks up the dead insect and cradles it in his hand.
A thought occurs to him:
I wasn’t the only scared one. My sudden movement must’ve scared this little guy. It died because of my fear. My irrational fear.
Guilt replaces fear and he glances up at the hive.
If I were this bee’s family, I’d be heartbroken, lost… that this guy is never returning. I’d be sad.
But I’m not this bee’s family, and I’m still sad.
He places the bee gently onto the stone beside him and takes off his helmet, staring at it.
Maybe humans and bees aren’t so different.
Maybe I need to give this whole beekeeper thing a second chance.
Xisuma takes a deep breath, rubbing his thumb over the window on the helmet before shoving it back on. He notices the bee beside him.
I can’t just leave it here. It deserves better than that. Anyone does.
He grabs a handful of flowers from one of his chests and piles them up at the edge of the grass near the stone he was sitting on. He takes the bee corpse and lies it down on the flowers. He clasps his hands together and bows his head.
I’m sorry I caused your death. I’ll try to fight this fear. I’ll try to treat your species kindly and without fear..
Rest in peace little guy.
…
Xisuma smiles to himself. His eyes dart to the other hermits. The conversation has moved onto random nonsense. He glances down at his hands, imagining that the little bee from months ago is crawling on his finger again.
I will not be afraid.
I promise.