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Watching Souji lay out his futon for the two of them, Yosuke was hit with the sudden realization that this was quite possibly the closest he was ever going to get to having a girlfriend.
Maybe it showed on his face because Souji asked, "What's up?"
For a split second, Yosuke considered coming clean and admitting he had a crush on him. "You should be a girl," he said instead, and Souji frowned, confused and maybe a little offended. Before he could decide whether or not to get mad - or annoyed; Souji never really got mad about anything - Yosuke continued, "I mean, isn't this the kind of thing you normally do with a girl?"
Souji's irritation fizzled out. "When would you ever get the chance?"
He had a point, but Yosuke wracked his brain for an example anyway. A realistic one - he didn't think Souji would accept a plot from one of his dirty comics, which tended to rely heavily on conveniently absent parents and horny classmates. "It almost happened on the camping trip."
Immediately, he regretted bringing that up. Just the memory of Mystery Food X was enough to leave a sour taste in his mouth, and by the look on Souji's face, he was recalling it too. "No, it didn't," Souji said after the moment passed. "The setting was right, I guess, but Chie and Yukiko couldn't get away from us fast enough. The only person you could cuddle up to was me."
Those two had made an annoying fuss about separating the tent, like they hadn't been the ones to come running in. "We didn't cuddle."
"You put your arm around me."
Yosuke's face went hot. He could have sworn Souji had been asleep when he did that. "That was just to get comfortable, it's not the same thing."
"If you say so." Souji went back to fluffing his pillow. Yosuke stood watching him impatiently. He'd tried to be nice and set the futon up the first time he'd stayed over, but Souji was weirdly particular about how he wanted it and had gone behind him, fixing everything. As useless as Yosuke felt just watching, the truth was that things went faster if he stayed out of the way.
"It's not like it's impossible," he said, picking up the subject again. "Sure, most guys don't get the chance to do it but you could."
"Do what?"
"Get a girl up here, what else? Come on, partner, keep up with me." Souji made a vaguely apologetic noise that may or may not have meant he was paying attention. "You wouldn't even have to sneak her in. Since Dojima-san's always working, you've practically got the house to yourself." How many guys could be lucky enough to say that? Not Yosuke, who'd barely had a moment alone since Teddie moved in.
"Not really," Souji said without looking up. "Nanako's always around."
She did stay inside the house more than was probably healthy. Kids her ages should have been outside playing in the dirt, not parked in front of the TV all the time. "Even she visits her friends, doesn't she? That's your chance."
"Assuming my uncle didn't come home early, or the neighbors didn't see me bring someone in and spread rumors. No, I think I'll stick with having you over. I don't have to sneak you in." Before Yosuke could respond to that - with what, he wasn't sure - Souji turned his comforter down, gave it a final pat, and said, "Alright, you can come to bed now."
As they'd discovered the first time Yosuke stayed the night, the Dojima household had exactly one spare futon: the one Souji was using. Short of bringing his own bedding or suffering through a night on Souji's couch (a mistake he'd tried and quickly regretted), bunking together was the only real option. Yosuke'd mostly gotten used to it. It helped that they didn't have to share a pillow, even if his did smell faintly like the back of the storage closet they'd found it in. "Finally. You take forever."
"Don't forget--"
"To hit the light, yeah, I know." Souji might not have let him prepare the bed but he did let him do this much, which Yosuke guessed was something. It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the dark, helped by the light coming in around the curtains, and a few more for him to take his place next to Souji. "Scoot over, you know this is my spot."
"I don't understand how you take up so much space," Souji said as he moved. "It's like as soon as you lay down, you grow six inches in every direction."
"I can't help it, I've got long limbs." Yosuke deliberately knocked into him, and Souji nudged him back to his side.
"And no control over them, apparently. Keep still."
Yosuke gave one last stretch before letting Souji arrange the comforter to his liking. Past experience had taught them that Yosuke would probably kick it off in the middle of the night (and kick Souji, too; Yosuke was a rough sleeper), but Souji wasn't satisfied unless he - and by extension, Yosuke - was bundled up tight, every inch from his feet to his neck covered. Yosuke wondered if making all those hospitals beds at his part-time job hadn't messed with his head, but he put up with it good-naturedly. "You know, no one's tucked me in in years."
"Then you're lucky I'm the one doing it, I've gotten a lot of practice with Nanako." Finally happy with his efforts, Souji lay back. Their arms knocked together before he pulled his in close, and Yosuke asked, "You ever get annoyed sharing your bed with me?"
He worried about that every time he smacked Souji while he slept or accidentally stole the covers. A couple of weeks ago, he could have invited Souji to his house but now the spare futon belonged to Teddie, who'd bother them all night if Souji showed up. Here, Nanako had her shows to catch and a bedtime, and Dojima didn't care much about what they did as long as they were quiet.
"No," Souji said easily. "I like sleeping with you. You've got such a high temperature that you make the sheets warm, like a hot water bottle. It's nice."
Was that supposed to be a compliment? Yosuke decided to take it as one. "Thanks. By the way, I didn't mean it earlier, I'm glad you're not a girl."
"Me too," Souji said, and added, "A Junes brand hot water bottle."
"That means I'm high quality." Souji made a suspiciously doubtful noise. "Hey, we sell some good stuff. Have you checked out our produce section?"
"I have, it's nice," Souji said. "What about you, are you sure you don't want me to take the couch? You'd be able to spread out."
Discreetly, Yosuke tugged the comforter down so he wouldn't suffocate. Souji didn't immediately reach over to pull it back up so he must not have noticed. "Nah, it's fine. If you sleep on the couch, you'd screw your back up, and I don't really need that much space." Plus, the spare blanket they'd found wasn't nearly as comfortable as Souji's, and it smelled worse than Yosuke's pillow. That spare closet seriously needed to be aired out.
"Alright, if you're sure." Souji yawned and settled deeper into the sheets. Yosuke watched him, trying not to be too obvious about it. Souji always had something on his mind, whether it was the case or his grades or some conversation he'd had earlier in the day, and Yosuke liked being able to see him completely at ease.
"You know," he said, giving a yawn of his own, "I'm getting pretty used to this." He'd barely slept at all the first night, too nervous that he'd do something stupid, like wake up with a boner or brush against Souji the wrong way, but it wasn't so bad now.
"That's good," Souji said drowsily.
"I mean, I had to at some point, right? This is like our third time doing this." Remembering his earlier thought, he said, "You know, when you think about it, I've made it farther with you than I have with a girl."
"Is that so? I'm flattered."
"You should be, I'm a hot commodity."
Souji gave a tired chuckle. "Goodnight."
"Night, partner." Yosuke closed his eyes and took a deep breath. While he might have gotten over his initial anxiety about their setup, this was still the hardest part. In his house there was always someone moving around, either Teddie deciding he needed a late night snack or his dad staying up to catch the news, so he'd gotten used to falling asleep with background noise. The Dojima household didn't work the same way; once they stopped talking, there was only the occasional bark of a neighborhood dog to distract him from the sound of Souji's breathing or keep his thoughts from running off in weird directions.
"How far have you made it with a girl?"
Yosuke opened his eyes. It hadn't been long since he'd closed them but the room looked even darker than before, and he couldn't make out much of Souji's face when he turned towards him. "What?"
"You said you've gotten farther with me than with a girl. How far is that?" Even in the bad lighting, he could tell that Souji was staring at him.
"You're still thinking about that?" Maybe he shouldn't have said that.
"I can't help it," Souji said. "Now that you've mentioned it, I'm curious."
Idle curiosity or not, Yosuke didn't want to say anything that would make him look lame in front of Souji. Following his example, he kept his voice low. "I kissed a couple back in the city."
"Really?"
"Yeah." It wasn't a lie, exactly, but it did make it sound more impressive than it'd actually been. Reluctantly, he added, "Sure, most of them were back in, like, first grade but--"
Souji cut him off. "Does that count?"
"Of course it does," Yosuke said indignantly.
"But you had to be seven or something."
"I still knew what I was doing. You're telling me if Nanako-chan kissed some boy in her class, that wouldn't mean anything?" Yosuke didn't give him too long to dwell on that. He didn't want Souji to get it into his head that he needed to start playing overprotective big brother. "Anyway, that wasn't the only time. There was a girl in junior high, too."
"A girlfriend?"
"No, it wasn't that serious." They'd kissed a couple of times but he'd always gotten the impression she was doing it out of boredom or curiosity, and after a while she'd started to avoid him. Wanting to get away from that memory and his less than stellar track record, he asked, "What about you, have far have you gotten?"
Souji pressed his face deeper into his pillow. "All you two did was make out?"
"Huh? Yeah, I guess so, but it was pretty damn good. I'm a great kisser," he said. It couldn't hurt to put that out there, and he got a nice laugh in return. "Come on, it's your turn."
"Oh, you know," Souji said vaguely, but Yosuke wasn't going to let get out of this. He'd answered, and it was only fair that Souji did the same.
"What's that supposed to mean? Wait, let me guess: you got sent here because you were a playboy at your old school." He might have been able to believe it if he hadn't known Souji so well. He was pretty popular, after all, and his Persona was Izanagi, who was almost as cool as Jiraiya. If he put his mind to it, Yosuke bet he could date all the girls he wanted.
"Nothing like that."
"Then you're too shy to admit you felt some girl up? It's okay, you can tell me."
"That's not it." Souji shifted, and the comforter rustled on top of them. He fixed it absently. "Between moving, and school, and everything... There just never seemed to be enough time to start dating, and after a while it stopped being important."
Yosuke wondered if he understood that correctly. "Wait, so you've never done anything?"
"It's not a big deal," Souji said, and he would have been more convincing if he hadn't immediately followed it with, "You're not going to tell anyone, are you?"
"Of course not," Yosuke said automatically, still trying to process what he'd heard. He'd been joking about the playboy thing, of course, but this was Souji, who was so smooth around girls that even Yukiko stared after him. Yosuke'd always assumed he had a ton of experience, definitely more than him. "But are you serious? Like, not even kissing a girl in first grade? Because that totally counts."
"No, not even then."
"You're not saying this to make me look good, are you?" That'd be just like Souji to downplay his own accomplishments.
"If I were going to lie," Souji asked, "wouldn't I at least say I'd done it once?"
Yosuke guessed he had a point. A girl might say she'd never been kissed to tempt someone, but Souji wasn't some schoolgirl looking at him longingly through his eyelashes.
He did have long lashes, though. Yosuke'd never paid any attention to them on other guys but he tended to notice things about Souji that he'd overlook on other people. With the way Souji's head was angled and the weak light from the windows, he could even sort of make them out. "Well, who cares?" he asked, suddenly aware of Souji's eyes on him and that he'd been quiet for too long. Not wanting to make Souji feel bad, he said, "I bet lots of people haven't done it."
"Right," Souji said, his voice catching. Maybe that long stretch of silence had had more of an effect than Yosuke meant it to, so he kept talking, hoping to reassure him.
"Trust me. Take Yukiko, for example, you know she's never done anything. She probably hasn't even held hands with a guy unless it was a cousin." He was sure about that. Tackling the Amagi Challenge was practically a rite of passage in Inaba; if anyone had been able to overcome it, they would have told everyone. It might even make the local news or be immortalized in the newspaper. "And Chie would have rubbed it in my face by now if it'd happened to her, you know how she is."
"I don't think she'd tell you, actually. Chie can be surprisingly shy."
Touchy seemed like a better word. "Either way, it's not like you're the only one, so don't stress over it."
"I'm not," Souji said. "I don't even think about it most of the time."
"Good idea." Yosuke couldn't resist asking, "So why haven't you done it?"
"It's not really as easy as people make it seem, is it?"
That was true. Yosuke would bet half the guys in their class didn't have a girlfriend, but he was still having some trouble wrapping his brain around the idea that Souji hadn't gotten anywhere. In fact, he was a little annoyed; who would turn Souji down? "Maybe it's because you're so attractive."
Souji choked on a cough. "What?"
Yosuke almost brushed it aside as a joke before he remembered that Souji couldn't see him clearly. Knowing that made him bold enough to keep going. "You're a good-looking guy," he said, and Souji shook his head. "I bet that's why you haven't gotten anywhere. Girls probably look at you and think you've got all this experience and that they won't be able to measure up, so they don't approach you, and then you're stuck where you started."
"I don't think that's it," Souji said modestly. "And even if it is, what am I supposed to do? Make myself ugly?"
"That wouldn't solve anything, no one wants to kiss an ugly guy. Maybe..." Yosuke faltered but he'd already come this far, and wasn't this the perfect opportunity? "Maybe you should just get it out of the way so it's not an issue anymore. Find someone to help you or something."
After a pause, Souji asked, "What do you mean?"
"You know, ask someone to do it with you so it's out of the way. Or just go ahead and do it yourself. It's not a big deal," Yosuke said in an attempt to settle his nerves. It didn't help; his palms were starting to sweat. "Two seconds and it's over."
"It's that easy?" Souji asked softly.
"Y-yeah, that's it."
"What if the other person gets mad?"
"They won't if you've picked the right one."
Souji didn't say anything to that. Yosuke wished he would close his eyes or move or whatever, but he'd gone very still, watching him. Was he waiting for Yosuke to do something? It'd be a lot easier to tell if he'd give a sign, maybe ask like Yosuke'd suggested, but even if he had, Yosuke might not have been able to do anything. His body suddenly weighed a ton, and he didn't think he'd be able to move without lurching. What if he tried to lean forward and missed entirely, or knocked their heads together and gave Souji a nosebleed?
Or what if he did it and Souji shied away and asked what he was doing? Because Souji being quiet like this could have meant anything. Maybe he wasn't waiting at all but busy imaging himself with someone else, and the second Yosuke moved things would get all weird between them--
Abruptly, Souji drew back, and Yosuke flinched. "Well," Souji said, his voice tight, "there's no use worrying about it now, it'll happen when it happens."
"I--huh?" Yosuke blinked, feeling like he'd missed a step. Before he could get himself together, Souji had rolled over and put more space between them.
"It's late," Souji said in the same tone, "and we're both tired. We should go to sleep."
Left staring at the nape of Souji's neck, Yosuke had the impression that he'd missed something or screwed up. Had he been too obvious or waited too long? He couldn't bring himself to ask, not with Souji so tensed up, and rolled over as well, his stomach sinking. "Okay. Goodnight."
It was a long while before he actually went to sleep.
He woke up to the sun lighting the room and with an ache in his side from holding himself stiff all night. One of his legs was cold, too, and it took his sleep fuzzy brain a few seconds to realize that the comforter had gotten pushed out of place, exposing to him and his shorts to the cold air. He kicked around futilely, trying to rearrange it without having to expend any real effort, and when that didn't work, he gave in and yanked it back into place, rolling over and closer to the warm center of the futon.
Souji was still asleep. Sometimes during the night he'd turned onto his back, bringing them closer together, and much to Yosuke's amusement, his brow was furrowed seriously. He must have been having one of those weird dreams he talked about, the kind where they were in an jungle or he was stuck in a conference as someone's parent and they were failing math.
Then again, he decided with a shiver, he might have been cold. Yosuke had stolen the better part of the comforter to cover himself, and while lending Souji his body heat might not have been the best course of action, he could at least cover him back up. This meant releasing the comforter from where it'd somehow gotten lodged under Souji, though, and despite Yosuke's attempts to be careful, Souji was dead weight. He ended up tugging too hard and jolting Souji awake.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Yosuke said, tossing the edge of the comforter over him. "Sorry, I was just fixing the blanket, you can go back to sleep."
"No, I'm awake." Souji rubbed his eyes, stretching, and Yosuke watched him nervously. He'd managed to put last night's events out of his head but now they were coming back, and any second Souji would remember them, too. He always woke up faster than Yosuke, and sure enough, when their eyes met, he hesitated uncertainly. Then he glanced away, and Yosuke realized he wasn't going to mention it. Because Souji wouldn't want to embarrass him or make things awkward between them, he was going to act like it'd never happen. He'd probably even think he was doing Yosuke a favor, and while that might have been the case a few weeks ago, Yosuke didn't want this hovering unspoken between them, or to look back and regret doing nothing.
When Souji turned towards him to say something, Yosuke moved forward. He didn't think about what he was doing because if he did, he'd panic and stop again. Unfortunately, this meant he sort of lunged and ended up kissing Souji too hard, if the muffled noise he made was anything to go by. Yosuke apologized as best he could without breaking contact; it was a lot more nerve-wracking to do this in daylight, when he couldn't claim he'd been too tired to think straight if it went badly, and if he stopped short he wasn't sure he'd be able to finish.
Souji looked pretty dazed when he pulled back. That was flattering, even if it had more to do with him just waking up, and Yosuke took it as a good sign. At least he didn't look angry.
"I thought you'd like it if I did that," Yosuke said, his heart pounding like he was on the verge of a heart attack. He hoped not; that'd be even worse than a nosebleed. "But if you don't, that's okay, I just don't want to pretend like it never happened."
Souji blinked rapidly, visibly trying to figure out what had just happened. "Then why'd you look so scared?"
"Huh?"
"Last night," Souji said, frowning. "I thought for sure wanted me to ask you to do it but then you got this awful look on your face like you knew and were dreading it..."
Great, so Souji had been able to see him, and of course Yosuke'd been making the worst face possible. "That's--no way, I was totally hoping you'd ask but then I started worrying about head-butting you and knocking you out."
"You did head-butt me," Souji said, rubbing his forehead gingerly.
Yosuke winced. "Sorry."
"I thought you were supposed to be good at this."
"I said I'm sorry." Yosuke touched his head but didn't feel a bump forming. "You okay?"
"My head hurts and I had a weird first kiss."
Yosuke's stomach dropped. He started to pull away. "I didn't--"
"I think," Souji interrupted, taking hold of his hand and eyeing him hopefully, "we might have to try it again."
Yosuke had been so focused on what he was doing that he hadn't really taken in anything Souji had been saying. Now the meaning of it all sank in. "Seriously?"
His surprise made his voice crack, and Souji loosened his grip, unsure. "Unless that was just to help me get it out of the way?"
"No, of course not, that'd be stupid." Yosuke looked Souji over, absorbing everything. He didn't feel so panicked and light-headed anymore; he was still nervous, that hadn't changed, but the relief that he hadn't messed everything up - that, almost unbelievably, Souji wanted him to do it again - balanced it out so that it wasn't completely overwhelming.
Souji shifted uneasily under his gaze. "What?"
"I really like you." Yosuke rubbed the bridge of his nose, embarrassed at how sappy that sounded, but unable to stop himself from saying it. "Heh. I've wanted to say that for a while. It's alright, yeah?"
"It's great," Souji said, moving closer so that Yosuke almost missed the smile on his face. "I like you too."
Souji turned out to be a terrible kisser, but Yosuke didn't mind, especially since he insisted they keep at it until he got it right.