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When John went through the Stargate for the first time, he left behind a family and a military that had no more regard for him than as a suicidal flyboy. Black-marked record, insubordinate, cocky, rebellious—just send him on a one-way trip to Pegasus, where, if we never hear from him again, well, no loss.
John took very few reminders of Earth because he was okay with never seeing it again. And as much as admitting that kind of scared him, he didn't mind it because the real “Fuck you” was for his commanders, his father—anyone that ever tried to keep him on a leash. They thought they were the ones in the winning situation, by shipping him off, but they were wrong. There wasn't a single person or an amount of money that would keep John in-line.
And they all got that chance, right? From what he could tell, he wasn’t the only one who left baggage at the Gate. John went to Atlantis with the intent of leaving his past behind. No family ties, no failed marriage, no black mark. His chance for renewal.
Then, according to Colonel Sumner, when John stepped foot into the city, it came alive beneath his feet. Weir confirmed this after Sumner’s death, told John the man's exact words, and then she started to look on John as some sort of favored son, some kind of messiah. The Athosians did it, too, especially when they saw how the city responded to his presence. But he was no damned messiah, and they could just keep waiting for their son. Scions didn’t get people killed, after all.
Sometimes John wondered about his friendship with Rodney. They hung out, they enjoyed each other’s company, but John found himself thinking there was something more going on. He wondered if it was something that could last, or if he was just feeling a bit lost as the new military commander of Atlantis. Maybe he was lonely.
Then there was Chaya, and then Teer, and a couple of others. They held back the loneliness, and his friendship with Rodney grew. When the Expedition went back to Earth, believing they would never return to the city that had become their home, Rodney was the only thing on Earth that made sense.
Still, John kept him at a distance. Or he tried to. Rodney had a way of barreling into his life anyway. Until he found Katie. Then he backed off, and John felt a dangerous sense of suffocation without Rodney’s effusive presence. It was backwards, wasn’t it? Shouldn’t Rodney’s presence make John feel claustrophobic? But no, it never did. And the emptiness that engulfed him when Rodney wasn't there weighed in him like sand in his lungs.
It wouldn’t be allowed anyway. As far as they were from Earth, the regulations still held. No one else cared enough to overturn them or question them or ask anyway or tell anyway.
The rain fell on Atlantis, and everyone waited for John to save the day. That should count for something, right?
The city was drifting in open space, and everyone waited for John to provide the leadership in Elizabeth’s absence. That should give him the right. Right?
Teyla was gone and Rodney missing, too, and John took Ronon to rescue them. Didn’t that give him a goddamned pass of some kind?
The sadness of so many passings was heavy on his shoulders. He wished it would dry up and evaporate like an evening's rain at sunrise. Loneliness returned like a snapping rubber band, and he continued to walk under the expectation of chosen one, the strongest ATA gene in the bunch, lighting up the city with a smile.
Sometimes John bumped into Rodney in the corridor. Before Jennifer, they would explore the city together. They were friends.
During Jennifer, they would mumble about losing time and head to their respective work areas. They were coworkers, after all.
After Jennifer, they would pause, search each other’s eyes, wonder where they were now. John knew what Rodney meant to him--what did he mean to Rodney? A fumbling grasp at a falling laptop, Rodney ending up in John’s arms, a tentative kiss returned, and John had his answer.
It was in Rodney being unafraid to show John his imperfections. It was in John being unafraid to show Rodney his failures. It was in the fact that they took turns saving each other, so John could count him as an equal. It was trust, it was reliance, it was freedom. It cut into John sharper than any blade or Wraith hand.
John could no longer stay away from Rodney.
Fuck the regulations.