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The neon lights from the carnival begin to light up the night sky as Victor makes his way towards the entrance. It was only his first day at Creekwood, but from getting asked to join the basketball team, his confrontation with Andrew, and Pilar getting into a fight, it’s as if he had been here for months. So much had happened in just 24 hours and yet the night has just begun.
Now here he was at the winter carnival with Felix, a boy he had just met yet somehow felt like he had been friends with for ages. Something about Felix makes him feel like he could be himself.
Back in Texas he felt like he always had to put on a mask, whether it was at church, school, or even in his own home. It’s like he would lose a part of himself every day, he hid who he really was from his friends and family. He never had someone he could let his walls down around, let alone a best friend.
Of course he had his group of friends in Texas, but they were so judgmental it was like he was playing a character whenever he was around them, changing the way he talked, acted, and presented himself in fear of being cast aside.
He wouldn’t dare talk about his feelings because that’s just not something guys did there. They talked about video games or sports or whatever new girl his friends were crushing on that week and Victor pretended to care. He pretended like he enjoyed the same things and cared about the same things but really he grew more exhausted every time he was around them.
But now with Felix, even though he hadn’t known him for long, he could tell that he wasn’t the same as them. He could tell that he was going to be someone he could talk about anything with and not have to worry about how he’ll react or if he’ll still want to be his friend.
“Alright I’m going to go get the apple cider and you get the churros,” Victor is brought out of his thoughts by Felix as he practically radiates excitement, “wait that sounded racist, you go get the apple cider and i’ll get the churros.”
“It’s fine, I’ll get the churros.” Victor laughs as Felix nods and runs off to the concession stand across the lot.
Victor’s phone buzzes and he pulls it out of his pocket while he makes his way towards the churro cart. When he reads that it’s from Simon Spier he starts to feel slightly embarrassed as he thinks back to everything he had said to him earlier that day.
But after his stressful day at school, he just couldn’t stop himself. He was just so angry and upset because yet again he was putting on that mask and hiding from the world. It was his chance to start over and not feel trapped like he had in Texas, but he panicked. He wants to believe that he’s ready to be open about himself but he’s not really sure that he is.
As much as he knows that he shouldn’t care about how others perceive him, he can’t help it. He doesn’t want to be known as “the new kid” or “that gay guy” and if he has the chance to paint himself to his liking, why wouldn’t he?
Victor continues to read Simon’s message and get’s so wrapped up in it that he doesn’t notice that he’s about to walk into someone until he hears the person speak.
“Oh, hey Victor,” he looks up from his phone and his eyes meet the same ones he had met earlier that day in the hallway. “It’s Benji, from school.”
Victor can’t help but lose his breath as he looks at Benji. He’s wearing a tight t-shirt that shows off his biceps and he’s looking at him with those rich hazel eyes. Victor can barely get his words out.
“Oh hey. I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.” Victor manages to get out in a slightly embarrassed tone as he tucks his phone into his back pocket. He can’t help but smile as Benji laughs. His laugh is real, it’s rich and his eyes crinkle and his eyebrows scrunch together and it may just be the cutest thing that Victor has ever seen.
“It’s alright man,” Benji smiles. And it’s not a forced awkward smile but a genuine smile. It may as well could have been just Benji and him alone in that carnival because he had tuned everything else out and all he could focus on was him.
He had forgotten that he was standing in the middle of the carnival until Benji gently nudged him over to the side so that they weren’t blocking the walk way.
“So this is your first winter carnival huh? You’ve got to go on the ferris wheel, you can practically see all of Creekwood from the top, it’s so cool.” Benji speaks after Victor doesn’t say anything. It’s now that he realizes the position they are in. Benji is only a few inches away from him and both his hands are holding onto his arms.
Victor begins to feel flustered and steps back enough to be out of Benji’s grasp and looks around. He spots Mia at one of the game booths with Lake and waves at her. Mia is cute, Victor knows, and he can’t deny that he does feel something when he looks at her, but does he really like her like that, like her more than a friend? He looks back at Benji.
When he looks at Benji he feels more than just butterflies. He can feel it through his whole body. From the top of his head to the tips of his toes, he feels something he’s never felt before. He feels warmth, passion, sentiment, tenderness. It’s almost overwhelming, he is swept with emotion every time he thinks about, sees, or talks to Benji.
“Hello? Victor?” Victor blinks back to reality as he notices Benji waving his hand in front of his face.
“Oh sorry, I was just thinking about the ferris wheel,” Victor feels the carnival tickets in his pocket and looks behind him at the big glowing ferris wheel before turning back at Benji.
“Would you maybe want to go on it with me? you could give me a tour of Creekwood from up there.” Victor laughs awkwardly while he feels his heart rate increase as he waits for Benji to respond.
“Sure that sounds fun, but just so you know i’m kind of an expert at giving tours so don’t be too intimated.” Benji teases as he grabs Victors arm and pulls him towards the ride.
Victor looks down at Benji’s arm and feels those butterflies in his stomach begin to appear. He hopes he isn’t as visibly affected by Benji as he feels inside. He thinks back to the message Simon sent. Maybe Benji is that person who could change his life forever. Yes, maybe it was too early to tell, after all they had just met today, but something just felt right when he was with Benji even in the short amount of time they’ve been around each other.
They reach the ferris wheel and Victor hands the tickets over to the worker before they both step into the seat.
“Is now too late to say i’m a little afraid of heights?” Victor jokes to break the silence as he looks over at Benji.
“Yes definitely,” Benji laughs as he turns to look at Victor as well, “but just don’t look down and if you get scared, look at me.”
Victor feels himself drown in Benji’s eyes and gets so distracted that he doesn’t notice as the ferris wheel starts to move. Maybe it’s the lighting that’s shining on the side of Benji’s face or maybe it’s the fact that they are crammed next to each other in a tiny seat, but Victor feels like there is a blanket of tension pressing down on them. He is hyper aware of the fact that their thighs and arms are pressed together and he wonders if Benji is thinking about it as much as he is.
Benji is just inches away from his face and he has that dumb smile and he’s wearing that tight shirt and Victor can’t think about anything else. And maybe he’s imagining that Benji is moving closer. He feels like he’s suffocating.
The ferris wheel stops as they reach the top and Victor has to tear his head away to break their eye contact as looks out at the city and attempts to level his head. Benji was right because as he looked out he could see pretty much all of Creekwood from up there.
“So, tour guide expert, why don’t you go ahead and tell me what i’m looking at.” Victor speaks as he looks around and takes in the view. The city looked pretty from above and he imagines what it would have been like growing up in a place like this.
Benji chuckles before he grabs Victors hand and uses it to point to a small brick building in the distance.
“Okay first, that’s the town library,” Victor tries to focus on what Benji is saying but all he can think about his his hand wrapped around his own. He wonders what it would be like to hold that hand everyday as they walked to class or went out on a date. He wonders if Benji ever wanted to hold someone’s hand as badly as Victor wanted to hold his.
“And that’s Brasstown which is where I work,” Victor tears his eyes away from their hands and looks up to where he is pointing. “It’s a coffee shop, it’s a very cool place to hang out, as long as you aren’t forced to listen to the same few songs all day like I am.” Benji smiles as Victor looks over at him and smiles as well.
“Wow so not only are you a professional tour guide but you’re also a barista, what are you also like a singer too?” Victor teases as his vision focuses back to their hands, still touching.
“Well you’re not going to believe this but I am actually the lead singer of a band.” Benji laughs and pulls their hands back into the seat but doesn’t let go.
“You’re kidding? What can’t you do?” He can’t help but be shocked at just how amazing Benji is.
“Well, I can’t drive because I keep failing the test so unfortunately I can’t do it all. Sorry to disappoint.” Victor feels the blanket of tension begin to evaporate as they continue talking. Benji tells him about his boss Sarah and how she’s “totally not crazy” and Victor tells him about how he got offered to join the basketball team and just needs to somehow conjure up $500.
The ferris wheel begins to come back down and as they’re about to get off Victor notices that their hands are still touching. He feels his face get hot and he looks away in an attempt to shield his rosy cheeks.
Benji stands up first and uses their attached hands to pull Victor up as well. When Victor stands up he notices that they are standing only a few inches apart.
He’s looking into Benji’s eyes again and feels the blanket pressing down. He wants nothing more than to kiss Benji but he knows that he can’t.
“We should go, huh?” Benji practically whispers and Victor can’t think about anything other than grabbing him right there and kissing him until his lips feel numb. But, his parents are here and there’s a whole bunch of people from school around who are ready to judge him if they even saw him look at Benji a certain way, so he steps back and breaks their hands apart.
“Yeah I think Felix is looking for me, I was supposed to get churros while he got apple cider so I better go do that.” Victor spits out before beginning to turn around and walk away.
“Wait, Victor!” Benji calls out and as much as Victor wishes he could just ignore him he feels himself stop and turn around to watch as he catches up to him.
“The line for the concession stand is always super long so Felix will be there for a while,” Victor wishes it wasn’t so hard to leave Benji but he couldn’t fight it even if he tried, “Why don’t we walk around and play some games?” Benji smiles as he pulls a wad of tickets out of his pocket.
“Okay, okay fine but i’m not playing anything having to do with singing, coffee making, or being a tour guide since you’d clearly have an unfair advantage.” Victor teases as he looks around at all the booths set up around them.
“Well lucky for you i’m pretty sure there are no games that require any of those skills.” Benji laughs and Victor feels himself fall harder.
**
They walk passed a game which requires shooting basketball hoops and Benji stops Victor and points to a large stuffed animal hanging above the booth.
‘Why don’t you play this and win me that cool, um monkey?” Benji chuckles as he hands Victor enough tickets to to play a few rounds.
“Wow, first of all that’s clearly a panda,” Victor squints as he looks at the stuffed animal. It’s probably one of the ugliest things he’s ever seen in his life. And he can’t even tell what it’s supposed to be. “And second, are you just using me for my skills?” Victor teases as he hands over the tickets to the booth operator and picks up a ball.
“Well it’s only fair since I gave you a tour of the city.” Benji says as he stands to the side and watches Victor.
**
Victor manages to rack up enough points and the operator announces that he had enough for the large prize.
“Alright young man, you’ve won yourself a giant koala bear, congratulations!” The operator states as he hands over the stuffed animal to Victor.
Benji and Victor exchange looks before bursting out laughing as they walk away.
“At least I guessed the same species,” Victor continues to laugh. “You weren’t even close!”
“Is it really an accomplishment?” Benji’s laugh continues to grow and with it Victor feels the butterflies grow inside him too.
He feels what he’s supposed to feel for girls, for Benji. And it scares him, but as he stands there looking at Benji, he’s also not scared at all. He feels like he could jump up right now and announce to the entire carnival that he likes boys, but at the same time he feels like he needs to shut down and find Mia and be with her instead.
**
Their laughter eventually dies down and they spot a photo booth over towards the back of the lot.
“Oh, we’re definitely doing that.” Benji exclaims as he pushes Victor towards the booth.
Victor places the giant koala bear outside of the photo booth and gets inside first as Benji follows him. He feels like he’s back on the ferris wheel as he becomes aware of the close proximity they’re forced to be in.
Benji inserts some money into the machine before turning to Victor.
“Okay we have to decide our poses now otherwise it’ll just be a disaster.” Benji states as he looks at Victor. The way Benji was looking at him made Victor feel like he was special. Even though they had just met today, each minute he spent with him made him wish for nothing more than to be with him for the rest of his life.
“Okay for the first pic let’s look cool, for the second let’s do something funny, for the third let’s do a normal one, and for the fourth,” Victor thought to himself but couldn’t think of a fourth pose. He turned away from Benji and tried to focus on anything but the fact that they were crammed in that small booth together.
“We’ll just leave that one for a random pic then!” Benji exclaimed as he hit the start button and placed a finger gun under his chin.
Victor watched Benji on the screen of the photobooth and thought about Simon’s Instagram he had scrolled thru earlier that day. All of the pictures he had with his boyfriend where they just seemed so happy and carefree. Victor wanted that but didn’t think that he would ever be able to get it. Like a dream you just can’t reach, Benji was that dream.
He knows he wants to be with Benji, He knows even after such a short amount of time. But what would his family say? What would the kids at school name him? Victor tried to ignore those penetrating those thoughts as he posed for the pictures.
Victor turned to look at Benji and was met with that same stupid look. That same stupid eyebrow scrunch, those stupid hazel eyes that he had felt himself get lost in multiples times tonight, and that stupid smile.
They stare at each other and Victor swears that Benji is moving closer so he moves closer too until their lips meet and it’s everything Victor had been imagining. It’s soft but passionate and Victor has never felt happier than he does in this very moment. The kiss deepens for a moment and Victor pushes out every negative thought he has had kept in his head all night.
He forgets about what his parents might think. He forgets about how people at school might label him. He lets everything go and lives in that moment until they both pull away.
“Wow.” Is all Victor can get out because he’s just too happy.
“Yeah.” Benji replies, equally speechless . Victor doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but eventually they get out and grab their photos from the dispenser.
When Victor looks at the photos he realizes that the last picture was the two of them looking at each other moments before they kissed. The same lovesick eyes that had been on him all night were in Benji’s as well.
“Well it’s late and I have an early shift tomorrow so I should go,” Benji says softly as he picks up the giant stuffed animal and takes his half of the photos. “By the way, Brasstown is hiring and it just so happens that i’m the assistant manager, so if you are looking for a way to get money for basketball, you know where to go.” Benji winks and then smiles before walking off as Victor thinks back to earlier that night. It’s the same smile from earlier except now Victor was smiling too.
He waves Benji off and heads off to find Felix but the smile never leaves his face for the rest of the night.