Chapter Text
turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]
TG: hey you up
TG: oh my god wait
TG: pretend i didnt just literally start this conversation with the canonical booty call text jfc
TG: im so sorry dude
TG: im stuck in my ways for the past three years ive pretty much just been textin my boyfriend and my sister
TG: i know that sounds weird as hell but rose has her methods she can make you say some regrettable shit
TG: actually you should be honored this just means youre officially family now
TG: congratulations youre in you made it
TG: hey change of subject remember that time kelly rowland tried to text nelly with an excel spreadsheet and she got pissed he didnt write back
TG: please tell me that happened in your universe
TG: it happened on karkats planet please say you had it too
TG: i need that to be a universal constant i need that to be a thing thats true
TG: guess that if it did happen it was actually on this very planet
TG: shit maybe theres fossil evidence
TG: maybe if we smash open the right geode well find that old as shit flip phone with HOLLA WHEN YOU GET THIS forever shamefully etched in row 1 columns a thru e on a stone spreadsheet
TT: Yeah, that happened in my timeline, too.
TG: oh
TT: Shit was glorious.
TG: hey
TT: I’m up, by the way.
TT: In case that wasn’t evident.
TT: I’m not dream-reminiscing with you about the 2002 chart-topper “Dilemma” or anything.
TG: too bad that sounds pretty sweet
TT: Unfortunately the technology’s just not there yet.
TG: i donno jade had a dream robot i used to talk to it all the time we could prolly rig something up
TT: Really?
TG: yeah her grandpa made it
TT: ...Really?
TG: yeah i donno maybe jakes got robotic prowess in his future maybe hes gonna grow into it
TG: oh fuck
TG: sorry
TT: No, it’s fine.
TT: Talking about him isn't off-limits or anything.
TG: yeah i know just
TG: fuck
TG: ug i woke you up didnt i
TG: yeah i definitely did you just got like 50 fuckin pings
TG: oh shit whats this about is dave down a well did karkat get into the dr pepper again
TG: its 3 in the goddamn morning whatever it is it must be a huge ass emergency lemme grab my extra serious katana
TG: oh no snap its just dave talkin about my ex and also apparently kelly rowland perfect just what i needed
TT: It’s fine, I was already up.
TT: You’re cool.
TG: ok but see the thing is thats exactly what somebody who wasnt already up would say
TT: Hm.
TG: you see that thing
TT: Yeah, I see that thing.
TT: See it loud and clear.
TT: I wouldn’t do that, though.
TG: what lie about being awake
TT: Yeah.
TT: I mean, I’d still probably get up and talk to you.
TT: I’d just tell you that you woke me up first.
TG: savage
TT: Wouldn’t you prefer the honesty?
TG: yeah i guess maybe i would
TG: hmm
TT: What?
TG: nothin im just thinkin
TG: maybe this is the ultimate hell no dave you didnt wake me up
TT: I’m doubling down, you mean?
TG: yeah youre just goin full tilt insisting you WOULD tell me to such an extent that i think its like this whole character trait
TG: now i just gotta live forever in this intricate web of lies
TT: Damn.
TT: Wheels within wheels.
TG: is that what youre doin
TT: Spinning an intricate web of wheels and lies?
TT: No.
TG: you sure
TT: Very sure.
TT: I’ve been awake all night.
TT: I don’t really sleep.
TG: oh
TG: for real
TT: Yeah.
TT: Just never really made a habit of it.
TG: huh
TT: So what’s up?
TG: what do you mean
TT: What did you want to talk about?
TG: i dont care what do you wanna talk about
TT: ...What?
TG: what
TT: Dave, you’re messaging me at 3 in the morning.
TG: yeah so
TT: So I assume it’s at least somewhat serious.
TT: Maybe you’re not stuck in a well or anything, but...
TG: haha naw dont worry im on dry land
TG: besides i can fly pretty sure wells got nothin on me now
TG: unless somebody puts something on top of it like in the ring
TG: ohhhhhhhhh shit
TT: What?
TG: nothin i just
TG: ahaha kinda spooked myself a little bit there thinking about the ring that movie scared the bejesus out of me
TT: Oh really?
TG: yeah man have you seen it
TT: The Ring?
TT: Yeah, I’ve seen it.
TG: yeah so you know what im talkin about you know whats up
TG: oook lets get some lights on up in here
TG: shit whyd we get a tv what were we thinking troll bachelorette isnt worth this kind of stress not when i dont feel safe in my own damn home
TT: Dave?
TG: whats up
TT: ...
TT: Dave, is this about me?
TG: what
TT: Fuck.
TT: That was probably too on the nose, wasn’t it?
TG: what the fuck are you talkin about on the nose
TT: Look, it’s not difficult to put the pieces together, here.
TT: You messaged me out of nowhere in the middle of the night.
TT: And now you’re telling me you don’t feel safe in your own home.
TG: oh
TT: This is about me.
TT: Or my alternate self.
TG: no
TT: Or no, you know what?
TT: Fuck that.
TT: It’s about me.
TT: Obviously it is.
TG: dude no
TT: You don’t have to speak in code or anything.
TG: code?
TT: Yeah, come on. Just tell me whatever’s bothering you. I can take it.
TT: And I’ll fix it.
TT: I mean, I’m not saying this is an easy fix or anything.
TT: Fuck.
TG: dude im fine
TT: Dave...
TG: ok whatever maybe im not fine fine
TG: like
TG: not on a global scale or whatever
TG: i still got some shit got a whole big frame pack i carry around with me all appalachian trail style gonna thru hike this motherfucker
TG: but
TG: right now like in this particular moment im fine
TG: im actually legitimately just freakin myself out a little bit over here thinkin bout that fucking girl from the ring coming outta my god damn flat screen but i think thats pretty normal everybody gets like that thats like the great unifier
TT: Okay, let’s say that’s true.
TT: Why did you message me?
TG: because im worried about you
TT: ...
TG: ahaha oh my god
TG: ok i know this is extra stupid given its the two of us talking and all
TG: and also were making a real positive and progressive point that weve moved past this as a society which is a hundred percent for the best thats great i love it
TG: but
TG: can we please just take a minute to appreciate for old times sake
TG: how fuckin gay that thing i just said was
TT: Heh.
TT: Yeah, sure.
TG: nice
TT: You want to observe a moment of silence?
TG: hell yeah
TT: Okay.
TG: nice
TT: ...
TG: ...
TT: ...
TG: ...
TT: ...
TG: ...
TT: So anyway...
TG: ugggg
TT: You’re worried about me?
TG: mannn
TG: i didnt mean to say that
TT: Clearly.
TG: god dammit could we pretend i was actually all slick about talking in code like you i guess assumed i was
TG: and i was all subtly droppin hints left and right like a suave as hell gretel all throwin breadcrumbs confetti style around the forest
TG: cuz she noticed hansel is goin through some shit
TG: and also apparently she just confirmed tonight he doesnt ever fucking sleep which is pretty concerning thats a few handfuls of breadcrumbs on its own right there
TT: ...
TG: youre hansel
TT: Yeah, I got it.
TG: just makin sure
TG: since i guess im not all that good at subtlety in the middle of the night
TG: or like
TG: ever
TT: Ha.
TG: dirk dude do you seriously never sleep
TT: I don’t never sleep.
TG: yeah but like you dont sleep at night
TT: Neither do you apparently.
TG: wow
TT: Shit.
TT: Fuck.
TT: I’m really sorry.
TT: I shouldn't have lashed out like that.
TT: I’m just...
TG: tired?
TT: I was going to say an asshole.
TG: dude
TT: It’s true.
TG: cmon man no its not
TG: look literally i woke up to take a piss and grab a snack
TG: i was flippin through my phone i saw you were online and wanted to see if anything was up
TG: thats it thats my whole entire night
TG: thats the chez davekat newsticker its just that on repeat til morning when karkat inevitably throws a fit cuz i ate the last bag of doritos which is what im doin right now dont tell him
TT: Heh.
TG: so cmon what are you up to over there whats so much cooler than sleep
TT: I’m dismantling a toaster.
TG: ok youre right that sounds way better i take it all back
TT: It’s more entertaining than you’d think.
TG: hope so
TT: To be clear, I don’t actually think this is cooler than sleep.
TT: It's just... more doable.
TG: so you CANT sleep
TT: That’s pretty much it, yeah.
TG: is it cuz the dream bubbles are gone
TG: i know im so not used to that yet
TG: like what the fuck i dont get to rap with ghosts or confront my own mortality anymore
TG: i gotta have normal dreams now like a total chump where i cant tie my shoes no matter how hard i try and also roxy all of a sudden has karkats horns
TG: not sure if its a downgrade or an upgrade dreamwise but it sure is weird as hell
TT: Is that really what you dream about?
TG: no comment
TT: Ha.
TT: Anyway, in answer to your question, I think it’s partially because of the dream bubbles.
TT: But not entirely.
TT: In all honesty, I haven’t technically “slept” in years.
TG: because of your dream self
TT: At first, yeah.
TT: I was aware of my dream self very early. Years before the game.
TT: And we were both awake all the time.
TG: wait what
TT: Yeah, I was in constant control of both consciousnesses.
TG: what the hell how did that even work
TT: I got very good at it.
TT: It basically became second nature.
TT: And besides, a lot of the time I would pretend to be asleep.
TT: That way I at least didn't have to control two bodies.
TT: I could just run my brain at twice the normal processing power.
TG: did that really work
TT: Yeah, of course it did.
TG: huh
TT: Gave me a chance to get shit done.
TG: damn
TG: you did that for years
TT: Yeah.
TT: Of course when we entered the game, I went down to one body.
TT: But then the dream bubbles took over, so even though I only had one consciousness, I could at least keep it going 24/7.
TT: But now those are gone, too.
TG: so youre what
TG: like
TG: trying to keep up that processing power cuz your natural thinking time got cut in half again
TT: “Trying” might be the wrong word.
TG: you just cant not
TT: That’s right. I just can’t not.
TG: shit dirk
TT: Eh, it’s fine.
TG: i donno dude
TG: i think you gotta sleep
TT: Dave, I just got done saying I haven’t slept in years.
TT: I think I’ve more or less proven that you don’t gotta.
TG: yeah man but youre like
TG: in half the bodies you were before
TG: and half the brains
TG: you cant just keep runnin your thoughts at that same rate
TG: shits gonna overclock
TT: Oh my god.
TT: Dave.
TT: Are you trying to get through to me by speaking in computer terms?
TG: hell yeah i am im learnin your language this is my psa
TG: im wearin a backwards baseball cap talkin straight into the camera
TG: kids do you think its “cool” to stay up all hours i dont
TG: in fact i think its pretty “whack” and so do my friends here international musical superstars smash mouth you guys are still relevant right
TT: If you can get Smash Mouth on board, dude, I’ll consider listening.
TG: yeah well listen up cuz that bizarro guy fieri lookin motherfuckers here
TG: and guess what
TG: the big man wants to take time out
TT: He wants to level with me about something?
TG: yep thats it thats exactly right theres somethin he wants you to keep it real about
TT: Oh shit.
TG: ok now you gotta picture us sittin backwards in chairs
TG: theres me and mr mouth himself in his fuckin oversize tommy bahama bowling shirt were sittin side by side serious as all shit bout to lay down some harsh truths
TG: and then those other douchebags who were probably also in the band i donno how many of them were there lets say theres fifty who really gives a fuck
TG: theyre all also in backwards chairs all flankin us its just a big line of insufferable turn of the millennium bullshit rock far as the eye can see
TT: And they’re all here to talk to me about the dangers of unchecked insomnia.
TG: yep thats right
TT: Look, Dave, I really appreciate what you’re doing here.
TG: good cuz it took forever to get these guys together their schedules surprisingly packed theyre actually doin really well for themselves
TG: theyre huge in the ironic bar mitzvah musical act scene
TG: gotta suck up your pride a lil bit and also learn the hora but it pays great
TT: Good. I’m happy for them.
TG: naw im just kidding theyre all dead
TT: Wow.
TG: but thats the future i like to imagine they woulda had
TT: That’s beautiful.
TT: But setting your Smash Mouth fanfiction aside for a minute...
TG: ngl thats a lot to ask of me
TT: Okay.
TT: Setting that aside but promising to return to it one day and really explore all the nuances of the Smashmouthverse,
TG: nice
TT: This really isn’t a big deal.
TT: I’ll get to sleep eventually.
TT: It stands to reason that sooner or later my body will just shut down, and I’ll have to start sleeping against my will.
TG: holy shit dude
TT: What?
TG: what
TG: that is like the single least reassuring thing you could possibly say to me thats what
TT: Oh.
TG: damn its like you got together a panel of all demographics and carefully came up with the most concerning possible thing to tell me and make me not back off
TT: That really wasn't my intention.
TG: i mean jesus dude
TT: Sorry.
TT: Look.
TT: That was an exaggeration.
TT: Obviously I’ll work this out.
TT: I just need a little time.
TT: This is something I have to do on my own.
TG: ok but like
TG: ...
TG: what if
TG: you didnt
TT: Didn’t what?
TG: um
TG: ok
TG: so heres a totally crazy idea i just thought up right now off the top of my head karkat and i havent been discussing this at length or anything
TT: ?
TG: what if you
TT: ??
TG: came and lived with us
TT: You and Karkat?
TG: yeah
TT: You don’t want that.
TG: sure we do
TT: No, you don’t.
TG: cmon
TT: And I mean that in both senses of the phrase.
TT: As in: I can tell that that isn’t what you actually want, and you're only doing it as a favor to me.
TT: And also: that’s a thing that would be bad for you.
TG: no way
TT: Come on, Dave.
TG: i am dude im comin so on
TT: Look.
TT: Setting aside the whole enormous can of psychological worms we’d be opening by forcing you to cohabitate with someone who looks like me...
TG: forcing what the fuck im the one asking
TT: Setting all that aside...
TT: You and Karkat have your own life together.
TT: You finally have a place of your own.
TT: You need your space.
TG: dude no
TG: what the fuck do you think weve been doin for the past three years
TG: literally all weve ever done is cozy up all domestic like
TG: and yeah ok its pretty fuckin sweet to have a whole hive now thats pretty cool we got our own stairs and everything
TG: but were not
TG: like
TG: hella jazzed we finally got some time alone ok thats not it at all
TG: all we ever had was space
TG: cuz hey here comes the wordplay you ready for it
TT: You were in space.
TG: we were in space
TG: fuck
TG: right
TT: Heh.
TG: see you got it you know whats up why am i even explaining this shit to you
TT: Dave...
TG: what im sayin is even tho karkat and i are pumped to have our own place its not like that exotic or new or anything
TG: but you know what is all those things
TG: thats right its havin a brother who i actually like and wanna hang out with and see more of
TG: thats exotic as shit thats the new hotness
TT: Are you saying we don’t hang out enough?
TT: We can hang out more, if that’s the problem.
TG: oh my god
TG: why is this such a big deal
TT: Because you guys have a good thing going, and I’m not going to let you squander that.
TG: what the fuck we can still have a good thing goin with you around dude
TG: honestly were 16 and we own a goddamn house
TG: the most normal possible thing we can do is have an awkward father figure kickin around
TG: might give us a taste of the regular adolescence we got robbed of
TG: tho i guess if karkat had a regular adolescence hed be gettin ready to ship off to outer space and conquer some huddled masses right around now
TG: and thats fuckin out
TG: so whatever were doin it regular human style thats fine
TG: when you move in well have a human majority anyway itll be two against one
TG: ohhh shit first order of business were makin popcorn with regular butter and not just a bunch of fuckin bugs on top
TT: I actually like the bugs.
TG: oh my god you would
TT: Guess I can’t live with you.
TG: dude
TT: I don’t need a babysitter, Dave.
TG: holy shit how bout a roommate then
TT: ...
TG: i mean it wouldnt be forever
TG: obviously
TG: like im pretty sure were all immortal you cant just go throwin around words like that all over the damn place not now that forevers like a real thing probably
TG: thats such a classic monkeys paw you gotta steer clear of that give that shit a wide berth
TT: Wait.
TG: what
TT: ...
TG: ??
TT: Nothing.
TG: ugh whatever
TG: can you at least like think about it
TT: I guess I have to.
TT: I have all this thinking time, after all.
TG: awesome how bout a trial run
TT: What?
TG: i mean come over right now lets hang out
TG: im awake and honestly i dont have it in me to shove karkat back to his side of the bed that dude is a sprawler you cant give an inch
TT: Dave...
TG: cmon man you dont have to bring a toothbrush or anything i wont even hassle you about this i promise
TG: just
TG: im up youre up that poor innocent toasters not gonna stop bein in a million pieces
TG: lets play video games
TG: we made this new one where we crossed sonic with a dvd of thresh prince its surprisingly good
TT: Really?
TG: im serious the storyline actually somehow got mad intense theres some real twists and turns plus all the rings are troll will smiths face its incredible
TT: That does sound pretty great.
TG: you have no idea man
TT: Sigh.
TT: Okay.
TT: Fuck it.
TT: Fine.
TT: But I’m definitely not bringing a toothbrush.
TG: whatever thats fine
TG: dont bring that fucking toaster either
TT: Too late. I already packed it up.
TG: god dammit
TT: It’s the one thing I am bringing.
TG: ug fine just get over here im firin up the sega grubesis
TT: I can’t believe that’s actually what it’s called.
TG: yeah well i cant believe youre bringin a broken toaster dude its a hell of a time to be alive
TT: It sure is.
TT: I’m on my way.
TG: sweet
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]