Chapter Text
Jay Merrick used to pride himself for never crying over the little things in life. From a young age he never cried over much at all and if he did it was never in the presence of someone else. That being said it could also be inferred that Jay was also good at keeping himself together when times were stressful. If this was any kind of normal stress like college work maybe he could have. But unfortunately, Jay’s life was anything but normal anymore.
Every morning Jay would wake up, frantically checking his surroundings to make sure that he knew where he was and that he could remember how he got there. It was always a routine filled with panic and anxiety. That meant every morning when Jay had finally gathered his bearings he’d find himself sitting on another bed that he couldn’t call his own and bury his face in his hands and fight back tears. It was a never ending cycle that would result in Jay wiping his eyes and shaking it off like he always did and trudging through another day of recording and amateur investigating. While he’d managed to maintain some semblance of his composure over the past few months, Jay was prone to faltering at any given day. Meals were infrequent (when he even felt like eating) and sleep was fitful at best during the rare times he was able to get more than four or five hours.
Jay was worn. Physically and mentally taxed to the fullest. When he discovered that Tim was living somewhat discretely and almost normal life again a selfish part of his brain envied his old college friend. There was Tim, seemingly coping just fine and here was Jay falling apart at the seams, unsure if he would make it to the next day. Despite his jealousy though, Jay didn’t intend to drag Tim back into the rabbit hole that was his and Alex’s mess. Not like this. He thought circling around the truth and keeping Tim at arm’s length would hopefully help him move on faster. Of course nothing ever goes according to plan for Jay fucking Merrick though because Tim finds out. It's not like Jay did a very good job of hiding what Marble Hornets really was anyway but that still didn’t mean he expected Tim to dig as much as he did.
It culminates with Tim punching Jay square in the jaw, screaming at him about all the lies and how all the puzzle pieces finally fit into place for all his missing chunks of memory. Jay took the brunt of it, most of his arguments dying before they could even crawl out of his throat. When Tim’s car door slams and he speeds away Jay can only skulk back into his own meager vehicle and look at his camera as if he expects it to comfort him. He knows it can’t. It's turned off before he even gets in.
Jay sits in his car now, cheek throbbing still from where Tim clocked him solid. He’s long since driven off and Jay can’t bring himself to really do much else besides stare blankly ahead into the darkness of the parking lot. It's not like he has much to go back to anyways, just another worn out hotel room.
That’s when it really hits Jay for the first time in almost a year. He doesn’t have anywhere to go, no one to turn to. His only lead and only human interaction for the first time in months just left him to fend for himself all over again and he has no one to blame but himself. Jay is utterly alone. If he went missing tomorrow no one would notice, his YouTube channel would be written off in a few weeks and it would all be for nothing. His chest feels tight suddenly and he can’t breathe. Jay clutches the front of his shirt and gasps, barely getting in enough oxygen before he’s gasping again for more. His other hand is gripping the steering wheel for purchase, for anything to keep him grounded while the world crumbles around him. In just a few moments Jay is hyperventilating, fat tears trickling down his cheeks and onto his lap as he doubles over and struggles to breathe. A few minutes pass and Jay’s vision is blurred before he’s finally able to inhale properly, only exhale a full fledged sob after.
Jay cries, he cries hard. Sobs rattle his thin frame as he clutches his head and just wails within the walls of his car. He knows he’s at risk here, exposed and weak. But he can’t stop while the floodgates have opened. It all hurts too much for him. He’s crippled by fear and anxiety and loneliness. How had he managed this long? How did he let it get this bad? He can’t even answer his own questions as he cries like a lost child in the empty parking lot. For all intents and purposes, that’s all Jay really is right now. A lost child with no more than a thin paper trail for guidance. The realization just makes him sob harder and harder until he nearly gags.
This goes on until Jay’s eyes are raw and he’s sure there’s no more tears left for him to cry. He’s not sure how much time has passed since Tim drove off, his phone is on its last legs of power and the camera sits idly in the passenger seat. In a fit of impulse, Jay grabs his phone and hastily scrolls through his numbers. He can barely see, squinting at the digits and names that look far too small right now, but it still doesn’t take him long to find Tim’s number. He doesn’t have a lot of contacts left remaining to sift through anyhow. His fingers fly across the touch screen before he really has time to consider what he’s about to do.
[Tim.]
Send.
[Tim. I’m sorry.]
Send.
[I’m so sorry.]
Send.
Jay waits. He waits to see if there’s a chance that Tim will say something, maybe call even him back. He could scream at Jay for all he cared, he just needed assurance that he wasn’t going to be alone. Anything. Fifteen minutes pass and Jay deflates further into the driver’s seat of his car. Tim has no reason to respond. He owes Jay nothing. Jay knows this but it doesn’t make the hollowness in his chest any easier to cope with. With a resigned sigh, Jay puts his keys in the ignition of his car and decides to head back to his hotel room. There was no use waiting for something else to happen. That would be a miracle. Miracles just don’t happen to Jay Merrick, do they?
When Jay gets back to his hotel room his body feels like lead. His eyes burned with exhaustion and are still red and puffy from his previous meltdown. He lazily plugs his phone in to charge and makes sure his camera is recording again before he sets off to take a halfhearted shower. He comes back a few minutes later and lays back on the tacky mattress, staring up at the ceiling and wet hair soaking his pillow. His thoughts wander to Tim as he lays there. He thinks about what Tim said to him, he thinks about how Tim’s voice would crack and break with coughs. He thinks about how Tim’s eyes glazed over with tears and how he could see the man barely holding it together, even in the poor lighting. It makes his chest tighten in guilt. He made Tim feel like that. He made Tim relapse. It worsens when Tim’s words begin to echo in Jay’s head, knocking the wind out of him for the second time that night.
“Maybe Alex isn’t even the problem, maybe you’re the problem!”
Jay gasps and curls up on his side, throwing a hand over his mouth to stifle an oncoming sob. Tim was right. If Jay had just kept his mouth shut three years ago, left Alex alone and let him leave, maybe they would all be okay. He should have burned the damn tapes himself if he was so inclined. Jay heaved another sob, curling further into himself and hiding under the scratchy comforter as if it would block out everything around him. He hid, hid and sobbed as much as his body would let him because he was already so worn and frail. He should have left Tim alone, it would have all hurt so much less if he’d just kept to himself. Anything would have just been better than crying himself to sleep under shitty blankets in a place that could never be home.
Sometime later, when Jay is curled up under and deep in slumber, his phone vibrates with a new message. He doesn’t stir.