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It really wasn't that bad at all, was it?
Adam was standing in front of the mirror, only a towel covering his lower body since he had just got out of the shower.
With trembling fingers and without breaking the eye contact he had established with himself through the mirror, he let his fingertips trace the soft lines of the tattoo that now covered part of his ribs.
It wasn’t that bad, he tried to convince himself, slowly breathing in and out and letting his mind wonder back in time to the night when he decided that getting a tattoo that reminded him of his boyfriend was an amazing idea.
He had been feeling particularly lonely that afternoon.
His roommate had just gotten a girlfriend and had started gushing about her to Adam at any possible time, all of this while all Adam had were a few glimpses of his boyfriend’s life via text message and some phone call a week.
And yet he wouldn’t change it for anything in the world, wouldn’t change him, Ronan Lynch.
The name rolled so easily in his tongue, like sweet, thick honey, made to be in his mouth.
He got up from where he was sitting on his desk and sat down on his bed instead, looking at the clock on his laptop screen.
3.40 am.
Time to try and get some sleep.
He took his phone on his hands,unlocked it and looked for his chat with Ronan, a solitary Tamquam written not even ten minutes ago, he smiled and typed alter idem without even thinking,a soft pink blush coloring his cheeks.
'you should be sleeping' came the response.
'can’t'
'miss you'
His boyfriend had read the messages already.
'miss you too'
They continued messaging for some minutes until both of them fell asleep.
And Adam dreamt of the Barns, of Opal running on the fields, of a shared bed, shared heat, shared kisses.
Adam dreamt of happiness and woke up with a longing even bigger than the one from the night before.
It was as if his heart was so swollen with affection that it was about to explode, it almost hurt on a physical level.
So when his roommate appeared and told him about the party that was happening three floors downstairs, he simply nodded, took his jacket from where it was crumpled in the chair and decided that he was going to try and have fun.
When he got to the party, his friend group was already there, halfway drunk and who knows what more. See, Adam didn’t drink, not because he believed he was superior to the rest of his classmates or anything like that, but because he knew what alcohol could do to someone, hell, he even had scars to remind him in case he forgot. And he was absolutely terrified to even have a tiny bit in common with the man who had called himself his father. So he simply didn’t even got close to any bottle of alcohol.
And it was fine, super fine, he just missed being held, feeling taken care of, almost worshiped by his boyfriend, because it had taken him a hell of long time to even allow himself the thought of love, and he had easily became somehow dependent of it. Not in the toxic sense of the word but in the sense of missing something so hard that it hurt, because not being able to have it on a daily basis was messing with his head again, trying to make him feel unworthy of the love that Ronan so willingly gave him.
He just wasn't going to let it slip through his fingers like this, he was going to fight for it.
And for once in his life he was not going to allow that to happen, because Adam refused to go back to being unknowable, unlovable.
He had to do something about it.
The question was, what?
His head was spinning and the room was a blur, yet his head was incredibly focused on a very particular memory.
He was sitting on Ronan’s bed, looking at his hands which were holding a toy car delicately, turning the wheels, without really daring to look at the wonder that was the boy who had dreamt the car and was looking at him shyly.
It was the night they had had their first kiss, the night Adam had started to feel like he really belonged, the night Adam had found a reason to always go back to Henrietta, not because he wanted to, but because his home was where the other boy was.
And suddenly it was crystal clear, and he went out of the room and in search of a tattoo parlor that was open at 1am.
He found one and ran there, not wanting to think too much about it, he didn't want to regret it, he knew he was sure about this, sure about the ink that would be entering his body, sure about his feelings, sure about Ronan Lynch.
He took his eyes out of his own reflection in the mirror and focused on breathing.
Sure, the tattoo was sappy as hell, but to be honest, he loved it, it had brought him confort on countless sleepless nights when he was missing everything that made him feel complete.
So he smiled to his own reflection and put a t-shirt on.
Ronan was waiting on the other side of the door.
‘I thought you were having a stroke or something, honestly I was about to lose my shit and get in there’
He said it trying to sound intimidating, but there was a tenderness in his eyes that just couldn't be hidden.
Ronan’s hands found their place in Adam’s hips, and brought him close to his body.
‘I missed you like crazy’ Ronan murmured into the other boy’s neck, leaving feather-like kisses there.
‘I’m pretty sure I missed you more’ Adam said, putting his hands on the other boys hips, under the hem of his t-shirt and touching the warm skin of his stomach. ‘Where’s Opal?’ The boy murmured while taking Ronan’s shirt off.
‘Fox Way’ Ronan took Adam’s lips between his and moaned lightly. ‘Wanna go to bed?’ said the paler boy.
Adam nodded and let Ronan take of his shirt, he closed his eyes and heard a sharp intake of breath before feeling incredibly soft fingertips against the skin on his ribs.
‘Adam’ The trembling voice of his boyfriend said.
‘Yes, babe?’ Adam finally dared to open his eyes and the image he found was so breathtaking he had to focus on inhaling and exhaling slowly as he took in what was taking place in front of his very eyes.
His boyfriend's eyes had gotten incredibly soft, his hands were trembling as he got close to Adam’s tattooed skin, and, with a soft thud he fell to his knees, looking at Adam as if he was something to be worshiped, something he was lucky to be able to touch.
The eyes of the boy on his knees got watery, filled to the brim with happy tears.
‘When did this happen?’ he asked softly as if he was scared to break the moment if he spoke to loud.
‘Two months ago’ whispered Adam. ‘I missed you so much and I just, I don't really know what got into me, but I can't get myself to regret it, any of it’
At that Ronan started crying, soft salty tears covered his soft cheeks.
Adam decided to sit on the floor in front of his boyfriend and took the boy’s hands in his, getting ready to start talking again.
‘I know you had your doubts when we started...you know, being a couple, and I don’t blame you at all’ he whispered ‘because as much as I know you love me, I also know you were afraid, and I understand, I swear I do, because I was just so ready to leave all of this behind’ a hand came up to cup Ronan’s cheek and he smiled ‘I was scared too, you know, because for the first time in my life, there was something in it that made coming back not only worth it, but necessary’ a soft smile was growing on Adams lips. ‘I guess that what I really want you to know is that I’m sure about this, about you, us. That as long as you are here, I will always come back’ He put his lips on Ronan’s, delivering a soft kiss. ‘And if I have to get a tattoo of your dreamed car on my ribs to make you believe it, then I already did it’
Adam’s eyes never left Ronan’s, not even for a second.
And then Ronan spoke.
‘I love this thing that we have with the whole latin homoerotic shit like Tamquam alter idem and all that, but I need you to hear it in English’ Ronan’s eyes looked into Adam’s. ‘I love you, welcome home’.