Work Text:
Oscar shut down his computer for the night and put on his coat with a loud sigh in the mostly empty office. He couldn’t believe the stunt that Michael had pulled that day. Actually, that was a lie. This is exactly the type of stunt Michael was known for. He shouldn’t be surprised at all -- and yet.
Oscar bristled with annoyance at the ridiculous claim that he had voiced the dog from the Taco Bell commercials. Putting aside his culinary standards, he sounded nothing like that chihuahua. These were the thoughts running through his head as he headed to the door and had distracted him to the point that he almost missed the fact that Andy had said something to him.
“Hmmm?” Oscar stopped and looked over at Andy in surprise. The office had been so quiet for the last forty-five minutes that he was certain he was the last one there.
“Night, Oscar,” Andy called out, a bit more subdued than his normal cheery self.
“Good night, Andy,” Oscar replied. Andy didn’t say anything else. He just sat at his desk, staring quietly off into space. He had taken his blazer off, and his tie was askew like he’d been pulling at it. Oscar looked towards the door and then back at Andy.
‘Don’t do it, Oscar. Don’t do it!’ The voice in his head warned. For once in his life, he wished he was a far worse person than he actually was.
“What’s wrong, Andy?” Oscar took a few short steps to Andy’s desk and gave him a look that could barely be described as curious.
“Nothing,” Andy said with a sad shrug. He pushed his mouse with his finger but had apparently already turned the computer off as the screen did not turn back on. Oscar looked at his watch and decided that it was Friday, and he wasn’t going to spend it playing therapist to Andy Bernard.
“Okay.” Oscar nodded and started to head for the door. “Good night, then.”
“I just can’t stop thinking about it.” Andy turned to him suddenly. Oscar took a breath and turned to face Andy for the second time.
“It?” He asked in a bored tone.
“Yeah. It. Me,” Andy said as though it was obvious.
“Oh. That It.” Oscar nodded in understanding.
“I know Michael said it wasn’t true… that I’m not...” He could barely get the words out. “But I can’t help thinking about it. What if he’s wrong? What if I am… y’know?”
“Andy...” Andy looked up at him from his chair like Oscar had all the answers he was looking for, “Go home.”
Andy nodded his head in defeat. He stood up, threw his khaki blazer back on, grabbed his bag, and followed Oscar out the door towards the elevator. They stood silently next to each other, and for a moment, Oscar thought about just taking the stairs.
“Can I kiss you?” Andy blurted suddenly.
“Are you out of your damn mind?” Oscar looked at him incredulously. The elevator door opened, and Oscar rushed in and pushed the button a bit harder than necessary.
“Nothing crazy! I just need to know,” Andy tried to explain as he got on the elevator with him. It was a short 15-second ride, but it felt like an excruciating full minute.
When the doors opened, Oscar quickly made his way out of the building and to his car. It was a long day, and he was not about to play into Andy’s delusions and fragile masculinity. He got in his car and started to pull away. He told himself not to look in his side mirror, but against his better judgment, he glanced and saw the utterly dejected look on Andy’s face and let out a groan full of suffering. He couldn’t believe he was about to entertain this.
Oscar backed his car up so that he was next to where Andy was standing by the door and lowered his window. Andy’s eyebrows raised so high in surprise that they almost disappeared into his hairline.
“I’m not going to kiss you,” Oscar said firmly. Andy looked like he wanted to object but waited for Oscar to continue, “But against my better judgment, I will help you.”
“What? Like hand stuff?” Andy gave him a confused look.
“Gross, Andy!” Oscar shook his head in disgust. “I’m going to take you to a gay bar.”
“That’s what I’m talkin’ about, C-SPAN!” Andy clapped his hands together in excitement as his entire face lit up. “Great idea! In fact, this is probably the best idea you’ve ever had!”
Oscar felt the beginnings of a headache mixed with regret deep in his bones but knew that this was the only way to set Andy straight. Pardon the pun.
“Follow me in your car. I have to stop home and change first, and we can go from there,” Oscar said.
“What’s wrong with what you’re wearing now?” Andy looked at him in confusion. Oscar rolled his eyes, once again not believing that he was playing into an obviously straight man's insecurities by entertaining this.
On the short drive to Oscar’s house, he made a quick decision. They’d go to the bar, have one or two drinks, and then they’d leave. He wasn’t going to drag this out any longer than necessary. By the time they pulled up, Andy hopped out of his car and headed toward Oscar’s.
“We sharing or taking two cars?” Andy asked.
“Why would we share?” Oscar asked.
“You’re right. One of us might get lucky.” Andy winked at him. Oscar counted back from ten. On the one hand, he could leave whenever he wanted to. On the other, did he really trust Andy on his own? Who knows what he would get himself into? More importantly, if Oscar were with him the whole time, he wouldn’t be able to lie about the events of the night and any fake hookups.
“You know what, you’re right. It doesn’t make sense to take two cars.” Oscar tossed his keys at Andy. “I’ll be out in ten minutes. You can wait in the car.” Andy gave him a thumbs-up and got into the passenger seat. He saw Andy turn on the ignition and turn up the radio.
Oscar turned and went into his house just as Andy started singing. Looking through his mail quickly, he went into his bedroom to change into a shirt that didn’t smell like whatever Kevin had been snacking on all day and a pair of pants that were a bit more form-fitting than he’d wear to work. Feeling a bit more human, he locked up and got in the car where Andy was waiting. He turned off the radio and turned to his passenger seat.
“You’re sure you want to do this?” Oscar asked, trying to give him an out.
“As serious as a solo during the NCCA!” Andy responded. Oscar gave him a blank stare. “The National Championship of Collegiate A Cappella!” He explained.
“Sorry I asked,” Oscar whispered. “Okay.” He gave him one last glance. “Off we go.”
Andy responded with a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. He was nervous but wasn’t backing down, so Oscar nodded and began to drive. The ride over was thankfully silent. He anticipated a million questions from Andy, but he sat quietly in the passenger seat and messed around on his cell phone for most of the drive.
They went to a bar about 25 minutes outside of Scranton called Lady Catherine’s. He’d driven by it a few times but hadn’t been inside before. He didn’t want to take Andy to one of his local spots in case the night went badly. Oscar put the car in park and went to open his door but was stopped by Andy’s hand on his arm.
“Tie on or off?” He asked with a furrowed brow like this was on his mind the entire drive. It likely was. Oscar gave him a thoughtful look. He did make a promise, after all.
“Off,” He decided. Andy nodded and removed his pink and blue striped tie. After a bit more consideration, he unbuttoned the top button of his shirt and pulled off his blazer, and tossed it into the backseat of Oscar’s car.
“Better?” Andy asked timidly.
“It’ll do.” Oscar nodded and got out of the car when he saw Andy’s shoulders untense. They walked in and were greeted by a man who looked to be in his late 20s, checking IDs at the door.
“Welcome to Lady Catherine’s,” He said, not bothering to ask either of them for theirs.
“Thank you, my Good Sir! And may I just say that we are very grateful for her patronage!” Andy put on a faux English accent and tipped an invisible hat at the man. He and Oscar stared at Andy for a long minute. “It’s from…”
“Yeah, we got it,” Oscar interrupted.
Oscar gave the man an apologetic look and headed straight for the bar. He ordered a scotch because he definitely was going to need it for this. He normally would order a cocktail to start, but with everything that had happened today, a scotch felt appropriate. The bartender nodded and turned to Andy for his order.
“Beer me a vodka cran,” Andy said with a grin. The bartender looked at Oscar and then back at Andy with a blank look on his face.
“You want a beer and a vodka cranberry?” He repeated.
“No, I meant…” Andy started feeling a bit flustered. “Nevermind. No beer. I’ll have what he’s having,” The man nodded and was off to get their drinks.
“You good?” Oscar asked. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw Andy look so nervous.
“Is it warm in here?” Andy opened a second button on his shirt. Oscar almost felt bad for him, but he asked for this.
“No, not really.” Oscar smiled his thanks to the bartender, who had returned with their drinks. Oscar went for his wallet, but Andy put his hand out to stop him.
“This is on me.” He handed his card to the bartender.
“Open a tab?” He asked.
“Yes, please,” Andy responded and took a sip of his drink. He turned his back to the bar and scoped out the place. It was as busy as one would expect for a Friday night. There were a few men around their age, but for the most part, everyone looked to be in their late 20s. Andy’s eyes followed several different men before he turned suddenly to Oscar.
“So, what’s my tribe?” Andy asked.
“Your tribe?” Oscar shook his head.
“Yeah. I’ve been googling and taking online quizzes, but I can’t figure it out.” Andy pulled out his phone from his pocket.
“That’s what you were doing on your phone on the ride out here?” Oscar asked incredulously. Andy ignored his question and continued with his own. He had a webpage pulled up and was scrolling through it.
“I’m definitely not big enough to be a Bear, and I’m too old to be a Twink. What’s my tribe?” He asked again.
“Straight white man?” Oscar replied with an eye roll.
“C’mon, Oscar! You promised to take this seriously!” Andy tapped him lightly on the shoulder.
“I made no such promise. I said I’d help you and that I’d bring you here,” He reminded him.
“Well, part of helping me is letting me know where I fit in so I know who I should be going for.”
“Knowing your ‘tribe’...” Oscar lifted his hands to do air quotes, “has nothing to do with your type and who you’re attracted to." Oscar took a sip of his drink. Andy took a sip of his own and considered that.
“For example, what is it about Brad Pitt specifically?” Oscar asked.
“What do you mean?” Andy gave him his full attention.
“You clearly have a type. A type is that unbelievably out of your league but a type nonetheless.” Andy gave a look of offense but didn’t defend himself. “In your fantasy…”
“Scenario,” Andy interrupted.
“Your scenario,” Oscar repeated. “You said that he was persistent. Are you into strong personalities? Do you like being dominated?”
“Whoa, whoa. What makes you say that?” Andy choked slightly on his drink and looked at Oscar with wide eyes.
“Well, there’s Angela.” Andy nodded slowly but still looked unsure. “And that weird Brad Pitt thing that is borderline, if not completely non-consensual, by the way.” Andy looked off into space and was quiet for a moment.
“Maybe you just need someone to tell you what to do. Take control.” Oscar wasn’t really sure why he was even bothering to go this deep with him.
“Huh.” Andy raised his brow. “I’m not sure if I’d like that, but I’m also not totally against it.” He knocked back the rest of his drink and pocketed his phone. He signaled the bartender for a beer and looked over at Oscar.
“Still working on this.” He raised his half-full glass. Andy nodded and said he was going to run to the bathroom quickly and to watch for his drink. Oscar nodded as he watched Andy walk to the back corner of the room. He didn’t look particularly in a rush, but that was not his business, so he turned back around to face the bar.
After Andy’s drink had arrived, he turned to his right and caught the eye of a younger man at the end of the bar. He gave Oscar an inviting smile which Oscar returned. Maybe this night wouldn’t be a total waste. Just as Oscar started to push away from the bar, Andy crashed into his view and took a quick gulp of his beer.
“What do you think of that guy over there?” Andy glanced over his shoulder quickly and then back at Oscar. Much too fast for him to have any idea who he was talking about.
“Think about who? Which guy?” Oscar turned to glance around the room. Andy was still facing the bar and leaned in to whisper loudly over the music.
“Red button down.” He looked over his shoulder again. Oscar scanned the room until he found the man that Andy was referring to and let out an incredulous laugh.
“Oh, Andy.” He looked at him with sympathy.
“What? He’s super good-looking, right?” Andy turned around finally to make sure his assessment was correct.
“I know you have a thing for Brad Pitt types, but maybe you should be looking more along the lines of Brad Pitt’s brother…” Andy pulled out his phone and began to google this, and held out the results to Oscar.
“He’s not bad looking at all!” Andy stuck his phone back in his pocket. “I’m cool with that.”
“Actually, maybe stay away from the Pitt’s in general.” Oscar turned and frowned when the man he had been looking at earlier seemed to have disappeared into the crowd. What a shame.
“There’s gotta be someone here I have a shot with.” Andy frowned. “What about one of those guys over there? Or him with the grey sweater?” Andy pointed to a few different men, and Oscar shook his head each time.
“I don’t think so,” Oscar scoffed.
“What do you mean? He’s hot!” Andy was practically bouncing at this point.
“He’s completely out of your league. In fact, you’re not even playing the same sport.” Oscar watched the man approach the bar.
“He’s coming this way. I’m gonna talk to him,” Andy said quickly and took a big sip of his beer.
“Andy, please don’t do this to yourself,” Oscar practically begged him. As much as he pretended not to care, he wasn’t sure if he could watch Andy get slaughtered like this.
“Wish me luck!” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and slid smoothly over about two feet to where the 10 had now stood by the bar.
“Another beer, please.” Andy held up his empty bottle to the bartender. “And whatever he is having as well.”
Andy turned and gave the man that same goofy smile that Oscar had seen every day for the last two and a half years. He saw the man raise an eyebrow at him. He was wrong. He wasn’t a 10. He was a 12 minimum.
“Hi, I’m Drew.” Andy put his hand out.
‘I can’t watch this.’ Oscar turned away to look at an extremely uninteresting game of darts in the corner.
“Paul,” The man said in response. Oscar was sure he heard something pop in his neck with how quickly he turned in surprise. Not only had he spoken to Andy, but he was also smiling at him.
“Nice to meet you, Drew.” Paul shook Andy’s hand and turned to the bartender. “I’ll have a Whiskey Highball.”
“Whiskey Highball?” Andy nodded in approval. “Give My Regards to Davy.” Andy tipped that stupid imaginary hat again.
‘What the hell?’ Oscar mouthed. ‘What does that even mean?’
Paul didn’t look confused at all. If anything, he looked almost… charmed and turned around so his side was against the bar, and he was facing Andy completely.
“Thanks.” He raised his glass to Andy. “Maybe after this, we can all get drinks at Theodore Zinck's?”
Andy’s entire face lit up, and he almost dropped his beer. Oscar had no idea what was happening, but he couldn’t look away.
“Are you a Cornell man?” Andy stepped closer to Paul.
“Class of 2000,” Paul responded with a grin.
“Me too! Well, class of ‘95!” Andy explained.
They started talking about Cornell, and Oscar couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Not only did Andy have the balls to go over and talk to what was clearly a 14, way too attractive to even be in the same room, but he actually seemed to be hitting it off with him. His drink suddenly tasted sour in his mouth.
“Can I have a Stegmeier?” Oscar asked the bartender. When the beer arrived, he turned his attention back to Andy and Paul.
“Since you’re clearly a man of class and education… I was wondering if you could help me settle a quandary,” Andy asked him with a serious look. Paul took a sip of his drink and nodded.
“I’ve been trying to figure out what my tribe is. I don’t think I’m a Bear, and I know I’m too old to be a Twink,” Andy repeated from his earlier conversation with Oscar.
Paul raised an eyebrow and looked at Andy with great consideration. He put his drink down on the bar and took a step forward, and ran his finger along Andy’s collar and down to where his shirt was unbuttoned. Oscar was sure that if he were a cartoon that his jaw would be on the bar at this point.
“Hmmm. I’d say you were an Otter,” Paul decided with a grin.
“An Otter!” Andy let out a sigh of relief. “So, what would that make you?”
“Me? I’m a wolf,” He responded with a grin to match.
“Do Wolves eat Otters?” Andy asked.
“If you play your cards right,” Andy’s eyes widened, and Oscar almost choked on his beer.
For the next ten minutes, Oscar silently watched Andy and Paul talk about the quizzes he’d taken and what the characteristics of Otters and Wolves were. He was so deeply focused on their conversation he almost missed the man from earlier sitting down next to him.
“I’m glad you’re still here,” He smiled at Oscar, who did a double take. “You look like you could use another drink.”
“Oh!” Oscar looked down at the beer in his hand in confusion. It was empty. When had that happened?
“Mateo,” He said to Oscar, who looked at him blankly. “My name," He smiled at him. Oscar shook himself out of it and gave him a small smile in return. Where the hell had his game gone?
“Oscar,” He responded.
“What are you having, Oscar?” Mateo took the empty bottle from Oscar’s hand. His fingers lightly brushed his own.
“Oh, I have to drive soon. I shouldn’t really be drinking anymore tonight,” Oscar gave an awkward laugh. He glanced over Mateo’s shoulder and frowned when he saw that Andy and Paul were no longer standing by the bar.
“Lose your boyfriend?” Mateo asked with a flirty grin.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Oscar shook his head.
His eyes moved around the room and found Andy dancing with Paul. They weren’t standing particularly close together. They were swaying slightly to the music and deep in conversation. Oscar made a face when Andy leaned in to whisper something in Paul’s ear. Whatever it was that Andy had said to him was apparently amusing enough for Paul to place his hand teasingly on Andy’s chest. Andy grinned widely at him in response.
“So, just a friend then?” Mateo looked over at them curiously and then back at Oscar.
“I wouldn’t even call him that,” He responded but kept his eyes on the duo. “He’s a coworker.”
“Honey, you always look at men who flirt with your coworkers like you want to rip their heads off?” Mateo laughed. Oscar turned to face him and realized that his hand was gripping a napkin tightly.
“Don’t be absurd. Andy is one of the most ridiculous people I’ve ever met, and I am not even remotely attracted to him,” Oscar explained and turned away just as Andy started doing a ridiculous dance move.
“Not remotely?” Mateo asked as he raised an eyebrow.
Oscar thought back to the trip he’d taken with Michael and Andy last year. When Andy had asked him if he was attractive, what did he say to him? That’s right!
“He’s okay,” That was true enough. Andy wasn’t a bad-looking guy. He remembers mentioning that he had a bit of a belly, and if Oscar was being honest with himself, it’s not like he didn’t either. He turned back around to glance at them once more and quickly caught Andy’s gaze. Andy gave him a big grin and a quick thumbs-up before he turned back to Paul.
It was his eyes, Oscar thinks. That’s probably what Paul saw in Andy. Kind eyes on his decent-looking face. He was fairly well-dressed most of the time. He wasn’t like Dwight, Kevin, or even Jim. Andy looked like he actually cared about his clothes and appearance, which Oscar respected. He didn’t soak himself in cologne like Creed. Whatever he was wearing at work today was subtle and pleasant. He could vaguely smell the last trace of it in his car tonight.
Sure, he sometimes tried too hard to get people to like him, and it could be completely ridiculous. Like when he sings those stupid songs that end up getting stuck in Oscar’s head for days. And it’s not like it’s even the original song that gets stuck. It’s Andy and his ridiculous voice and his borderline handsome face.
He turned to tell Mateo that he was clearly seeing things but did a double take when he realized that the man had slipped away. When did that happen? Oscar looked around the room but landed back on Andy when he heard the familiar sound of Andy singing along to whatever horrible song that was playing.
It was not cute, and he definitely wasn’t going to be hearing it in his head when he went to bed tonight. It was even worse when Paul joined in for one line. After further consideration, Paul wasn’t as good-looking as Oscar initially thought. Under the brighter lights, he wasn’t close to being a 14; he was a 9. He should stop this. Andy wasn’t even gay. He would regret this entire night and blame Oscar for allowing it to happen.
He was being a good friend… co-worker, Oscar told himself. If anything, Andy would thank him for this tomorrow. When he saw Paul move in a little too close, Oscar stood up and quickly made his way over to the two of them.
“Andy, it’s time to go,” Oscar said, looking between them in what he hoped was a completely normal, not jealous (because he wasn’t, that would be ridiculous) expression.
“What do you mean?” Andy glanced at Oscar, confused.
“We really should get back to my place,” Oscar said to Andy but in a tone that was meant for Paul to interpret how he’d like.
Paul finally took his eyes off Andy and turned to look at Oscar. He slowly looked him up and down in a way that Oscar did not at all like. Like he was sizing him up. Now that he was even closer to the man, Oscar decided that he was barely an 8. Andy could do much better. Paul gave Oscar a fake smile before turning back to Andy. He pulled his wallet out of his pocket and removed a small card. He took a step closer into Andy’s personal space and slid it into his back pocket.
“Nice to meet you, Drew. Call me sometime,” He whispered loud enough for Oscar to hear. Oscar frowned at Paul’s hand still on Andy’s ass. Paul must have sensed this and squeezed slightly before pulling away with a wink and heading to the other end of the room, not giving Oscar a second glance.
Andy stood still in the middle of the room and looked back and forth between where Paul had gone and toward Oscar, who was heading for the bar. Andy let out a sigh and followed Oscar so that he could settle his tab.
Oscar insisted on leaving the tip, considering Andy paid for the drinks, and he didn’t feel at all bad for rescuing him from that creep. Andy was too trusting of a person. It’s a good thing he had someone like Oscar watching out for him. Who knows what could’ve happened? Oscar continued to have this silent conversation with himself as they made their way out toward the car.
“I’m not gonna lie, C-SPAN. I’m a bit bummed out,” Andy spoke as they approached Oscar’s car. Oscar stopped to look at him to gauge how much he really meant that.
“I thought he was really into me, y’know? I was so sure he was going to kiss me any minute,” Andy continued with a sad look on his face. Oscar’s fist tightened around the keys in his left hand. What did he care? He didn’t. Andy could kiss whoever he wanted to. If he wanted to go around kissing guys who were a low 7 at best, that was fine with him.
“At least it wasn’t a total loss.” Andy pulled the card out of his pocket. “He gave me his number. Maybe kissing some rando at a bar isn’t the best way to go about this. I should probably try going on a date and see how that goes. Would it be weird if I texted him right now?” Andy asked.
Oscar watched as Andy’s hand went into his pocket, where he knew his cell phone was. Without thinking, Oscar took two steps forward and pressed his lips against Andy’s.
‘Oh no, no, no,’ Oscar screamed in his head. Andy hadn’t even kissed him back. In fact, he hadn’t reacted at all. He just stood there in shock for the whole 4 seconds the kiss lasted before Oscar pulled away, horrified.
“Oh, God. Andy, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I…” His next words were cut off by Andy’s mouth covering his. He could taste the beer and liquor on Andy’s lips. He let out a groan when he felt Andy’s tongue touch his bottom lip softly.
Oscar moved so he had Andy’s back against the trunk of his car. Andy let go of the card with Paul’s number, letting it fall to the ground so that he could use that hand to grip Oscar’s shirt. In the following few minutes, Oscar learned two things about Andy Bernard. He was an excellent kisser. And he was not 100% completely straight.
When they pulled away, they stared at each other, unsure of what to say. Oscar could imagine that Andy must be so confused by Oscar’s sudden change of heart. He tried to open his mouth to explain, but instead, what came out was:
“Get in the car,” Oscar said, his voice surprisingly firm. Andy closed his eyes for a second and nodded. As they separated to go to their doors, Andy looked up at Oscar with a thoughtful look on his face.
“Remember when I said I might be okay with someone telling me what to do? I might be more into that than I previously thought,” Andy smiled at Oscar with his kind eyes and a nice smile on his better-than-okay face.
Oscar laughed and shook his head as he opened the door. “If you play your cards right,” He smiled back before sliding into the car. Andy blushed and then slid into the passenger seat next to him.
Oscar hummed that stupid song from the bar on the entire ride home.