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The clouds move so slowly , is the first thing Akaashi thinks when he opens his eyes and looks at the sky.
He’s lying on the grass at the park, still wearing his clothes from work. Any person passing by might think he is either crazy, drunk or stressed. To be fair, Akaashi kind of wishes any of those were true; being drunk right now sounds extremely nice, and if he were to be crazy, Akaashi thinks he wouldn’t mind either. He has gone past the point of hoping for sanity anyway, considering the things his mind does to him – it’s either feeling suicidal or depressive, perhaps even both. And stressed would have been the easy way out, because then he could find a solution for things, and Akaashi doesn’t even think he deserves a solution anymore. To solve life would mean to find peace and sanity, and like mentioned, Akaashi doesn’t hope for that anymore.
Truth be told, Akaashi is there because he feels lost. It would be easy to blame anything else, to say he decided to lie down on the grass at four in the afternoon of a Saturday just because. To give it a reason would mean this has a purpose, and it really doesn’t. He lied on the grass to watch the clouds and hoped to, maybe, get some guidance, for answers of things he cannot have, cannot find. It’s borderline desperate, and for once Akaashi doesn’t even care about it. He feels desperate enough.
Kids play close by. Mothers talk and gossip, sitting on benches while watching the kids. Strangers pass by, walking through the park to get somewhere, or to just have a walk. Dogs can be heard, birds are chirping, cars pass on the street. Akaashi is well aware of his surroundings; he can hear, smell, see and even feel everything clearly. The grass underneath him is soft, real and it smells like his childhood, of the days he played on the playground with his friends, of people he doesn’t even remember the names of anymore. The sky is still bright above him, so blue and full of clouds.
The clouds move slowly.
Akaashi lies on the grass and watches them quietly. Time passes by, people come and go, the sky starts getting darker and darker – no one bothers him, and no one should, really. Time is merely a projection of something Akaashi names as an invention, because while he is there, nothing is happening except the sky changing colors and the sun being exchanged for the moon; time feels useless, like it doesn’t even exist. Is time a creation of humankind, so people have to work? Is everything about money? Are people actually important?
His phone is silent the entire way. Nobody cares , he thinks, painfully numb. Perhaps he hasn’t given anyone a reason to worry yet, perhaps no one really cares or ever will; Akaashi wonders which one of these sentences could be true? Perhaps both, perhaps neither. He wishes he had the strength to care, to reach out, to say that something feels off inside him and his chest, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t, nor he will.
The stars come and they shine bright.
He asks himself when it was the last time he had watched the stars. Predictably, he cannot find the answer; living a busy life as a salaryman means that he barely has time to live, let alone enjoy the simple, trivial things in life such as watching the stars. Especially in Tokyo, where there’s too many buildings and lights and it’s hard to see any star at night. But where Akaashi is now, in a more far away area of the city, with fewer buildings and, therefore, fewer lights, he can see more stars than the usual. Not as much as he wants to, but an amount that he declares being good enough for him to be satisfied for now.
Satisfied is a word Akaashi barely uses, to be quite honest. Things in his life are acceptable, with a stable job, good apartment, enough money to survive, but Akaashi wonders: what else could he possibly need to be satisfied?
He doesn’t have the answer. He doesn’t feel satisfaction either.
It’s an odd feeling, to have everything yet feel like you have nothing; Akaashi thinks maybe he’s greedy, maybe he’s asking for more than life could offer, maybe he’s being selfish, maybe he’s being stupid, but the numbness inside his chest and the sadness that hits his heart are both real and strong. Perhaps, Akaashi thinks, it’s just life punishing him. Perhaps he has done things in another life that are worth of some kind of punishment. Yet, Akaashi wonders, do I really have to go through this, even if I deserve it?
“It’s a beautiful night, huh!”
Funny enough, Akaashi isn’t startled. For a second, he wonders if he should ignore the cheerful voice next to him – he doesn’t feel on the mood to deal with someone trying to trick him –, but then he’s still polite. It would be rude, and Akaashi is not a rude person, ever. Slowly, he turns his head, the soft grass tickling his cheek, and he’s met with the vision of a silhouette he barely sees. Spiky hair, huge eyes and built body is all he takes in. Another man.
“Yes.”
It could have been rude, but Akaashi thinks it’s better than not answering at all; he gave an answer and that’s enough. If the man is looking for company or someone to hang with, he should have asked Akaashi first, not simply lie down next to him without being invited. Perhaps the rude person there is the stranger, actually.
“Man, I haven’t watched the stars in a while! It’s worth coming here to do it, though.”
Although Akaashi had merely replied to him, the man kept talking as if he wasn’t put off by his rudeness or lack of talking. Akaashi wonders for a moment if he should say something, if he should at least try and be polite again, but he finds within himself that he doesn’t care at all. So, he keeps quiet.
“I mean, downtown of Tokyo is nice and I love there, but it feels like a huge ocean, and we’re desperately trying to swim in it, you know? We’re just drowning and drowning, so it’s nice to come out here for once and just look at the stars. It’s a breath of fresh air, I’d say!”
Akaashi swallows dry. He gets the feeling very well.
“I guess that’s life, though. We drown a bit every day just so we have to remind ourselves to breathe sometimes. It’s a hell of a lesson, huh!”
“One I’d rather not have,” Akaashi replies, automatically. His tone is dry, but the stranger doesn’t mind. In fact, he laughs, loud and obnoxiously. “I did not joke.”
“I know, but dude, wouldn’t we all?” he laughs again and turns his head, looking at Akaashi. Akaashi ignores him completely, still looking at the stars. “I mean, life is pretty shitty if you think about it, but that’s the whole point of it!”
“For us to suffer?”
“For us to try and make it better, stranger-kun.”
Akaashi huffs an exasperated laugh. “Really now…”
The stranger sits up and looks at Akaashi. He can see him better now, with grayish hair and black roots, yellowish eyes that remind him of an owl and an extremely well sculpted face – Akaashi is sure this guy is famous with the ladies, considering how handsome he is. Akaashi is only broken out of his thoughts when the man turns around, sitting crossed legged in front of him, a smile on his face.
“Tell me, do you think we’re important?”
Akaashi blinks. He decides to sit up as well. “Excuse me?”
“Look up,” he continues and Akaashi does. There is a huge sky and many, many stars. “Look at the vastness out there. Do you think we’re special? That we matter ?”
“If we don’t…” Akaashi starts, trailing off. The stranger smiles again.
“We actually don’t. But that’s okay. Do you have anyone you love or care deeply about?”
Akaashi blinks at the sudden change of topic, but he thinks of his parents, of his close friends like Konoha or Suzumeda. “Yeah,” he mutters and the stranger nods.
“If you compare them to this universe, would you still call them important? Would you still care more for them than for the rest of the galaxies?”
“Of course,” he replies quickly, and he glares at the stranger. “What the hell does that mean?”
“See! As long as you come in this world and leave an impact on someone’s life, you will matter. So, I guess we’re here to bring changes into other people’s lives, you know. Like you changed your parents’ lives or your friends’ or your partner’s.”
Akaashi is quiet for a moment. “I...but we’re so small and insignificant…”
“Yeah, we are,” the stranger laughs. “It makes me want to stand taller and prouder, though. Show the world I am as important, as vast, as shining as the universe is. I’m here to prove them all wrong.”
“How do you even get confident enough to say this, stranger-kun ?”
“I push myself to it,” he says simply, shrugging.Akaashi looks at him like he has five heads and is telling him the stupidest lie he has ever heard. But the man doesn’t even bat an eye – he looks back at Akaashi with conviction, with challenging eyes. “When the world is falling apart, I know the only person who can pick me up and help me is myself. I have to do it, or no one else will do it for me.”
“What if you’re not strong enough to do it?”
“That’s why we’re not alone out here, you know. That’s why we get to have family, friends and lovers. So we can share some of our pain, our burdens and live a little easier. They’re here to be part of our journey, I guess.”
With a quiet and melancholic laugh, Akaashi looks up again. “What if I’ve lost myself in my own journey? What if I don’t even know what my journey is anymore?”
The stranger smiles. “Does anyone know what their journey is?”
Akaashi doesn’t reply. The stranger continues.
“If you’ve lost yourself, there’s always time to find yourself again! I mean, the answers are closer than you think. You just have to look within you and you’ll find everything you need.”
“Find the answers in me sounds actually harder than you’re letting on, you know,” Akaashi replies lowly and looks back at him. The man doesn’t seem put off or anything by Akaashi’s answers; in fact, he seems even more eager to answer him and prove Akaashi wrong.
“It’s not, I promise!” he smiles again, this time cheerfully. “No one knows you better than you do. It might not seem like it, but you actually do have the answers in you. Finding them might not seem easy. It might seem painful and you might want to give up. But damn… It’s worth it all.”
For a moment, everything is quiet. Akaashi watches the stranger with curious eyes. He feels lighter, somehow, and the thought makes him huff a laughter. The man, who had looked up for a second, now looks at him, a question in his eyes. It feels surreal, the whole situation feels surreal, like something from a stupid movie he would watch. Akaashi wonders if he has gone insane.
“I don’t know how to get this convicted, though. The only thing I’m really sure of is that I’m unsure of almost everything.”
“And that’s okay,” the man replies softly. “I’m sure that we’re sitting here in the semi-darkness right now talking about life. Isn’t that being sure enough for now?”
Akaashi cracks a tiny smile. The stranger beams.
“I guess.”
“As long as you’re sure of the moment, the rest you can figure it out on the way, don’t you think?”
“Huh,” Akaashi says quietly, and he locks his eyes with the man. “You’re really quite something, stranger-kun.”
“It’s Bokuto,” he replies and extends his hand. Akaashi shakes it, noticing his strong grip. “Bokuto Koutarou.”
“I’m Akaashi Keiji. It was a good conversation, Bokuto.”
Bokuto smiles at him, and when their hands let go, it leaves a tingling sensation on their skin. “I’m glad you enjoyed it. You looked like you needed some company, so!”
Akaashi laughs softly. “So you just decided to lie next to me and go philosophical on me?”
“Yeah,” he says and shrugs. “If you consider that all phi...phi...aw, I can’t say it, man!”
Akaashi laughs once more, amused by Bokuto’s antics. He went from 0 to 10 quite quickly, and suddenly he’s intrigued. “Do you live close by?”
“Oh no, I live in the main area,” Bokuto answers and smiles at him
“How did you get here then?”
Bokuto shrugs. “Destiny?”
Akaashi laughs softly, but doesn’t answer him. Bokuto smiles brilliantly and continues.
“Hey, how about you? Let’s eat something some time!”
“Yeah,” Akaashi says softly. He looks up at the stars and wonders about his worth, his life and if there is a destiny. They remind him of the stranger he has just met, so bright and hopeful. Maybe I was destined to meet you, Bokuto. “I’d like that.”