Chapter Text
Dear Strawhat,
I am writing. To you. Well, not to you really, more like, to the possibility of you. I’m not even sure you’re able to read anyway. It’s just a silly thing I decided to do, to get these things out of my mind. Usually, I write stuff in my journal, plans, ideas, and things in general, but I don’t want stuff like that mixed up in my journals. Compartmentalize, it's called. I like to keep things neat and organized. Clean, and tidy. I write notes about operations, drawings of human anatomy, symptoms, cures, plan ideas, strategies, everything that can help me and my crew go farther.
But I’m missing the point here. Avoiding what I really want to write about.
***
The sun is setting, and you hear the distant voices of the crew, laughing and finishing dinner in the kitchen. You needed some time alone. Away from the noise. Away from them looking at you like a stranger. Away from him. There is a soft breeze, and the evening is warm. You’re not as good as Nami for these things, but you know the weather won’t change anytime soon, and you’ll be able to watch the stars tonight again. That also means you’ll be able to get some sleep. It had been a long and rainy week, and the nights had been so dark. You’re happy the sky is clear again.
You are sitting on the deck, your back against one of the trees. It’s a nice feeling, to smell the very specific smell of tangerines, mixed with the scent of the sea. They fit well together.
You hear steps coming near you, and then, a face. His face, smiling. In the night he seems even brighter and hard to look at.
“There you are Torao !” He says with his stupid grin. “Sanji said you didn’t want desert. How can you not want Sanji’s dessert ? I brought you some. Well… I intended to do that, but I ate it on my way here.” He laughs a little, before looking at you “I’ll ask sanji to make some more don’t worry.”
“It’s fine Strawhat, don’t bother your cook I’m not hungry.”
He sits next to you, his shoulder touching yours. This guy has never heard of personal space. He’s always finding a way to be too close . On top of that, your learned at your depends that this guy never listens, so there’s no use pushing him away. You try anyway.
“Go back with the others”, you add, “you’re missing all the fun.”
“Nah, I’m fine. I’d rather hang out with you.”
It feels weird to have him so close. It feels weird that he came to see you, you in particular. You think he is trying to make you feel welcomed on his ship. You don’t want that.
“You know I’m not part of your crew right ?” You snap. “You don’t have to take care of me.”
“I know. I just want to be here.”
You don’t answer. There’s no need for that.
***
So I got that stupid idea, to write, like the cook said, letters not to be sent. Well I wanted to do it way sooner, but, you know, it’s hard to find a moment alone in your ship. So I had to postpone .I still think that’s a stupid idea, but it’s better than just freaking out on my own, and feeling like a bomb all the time. I read somewhere in a psychology book that it’s good to find a way to exteriorise whatever feelings you’re experiencing. So why not uh. … that can’t be that hard.
***
One night, you find yourself having trouble to breathe. Your chest is aching, like your heart is going so fast that he might stop. You feel on the verge of death. Nauseous, sick, sweating.
You open your eyes, and your lungs are begging for air they can’t find. Air. You need air.
Your hands are clutched around the bedsheet, trying to hold on to something they can never find, so hard that they too are starting to ache. Your whole body is telling you that you are dying.
You open your eyes and find nothing around, just darkness. Someone closed the curtain and this room is as dark as can be. Shadows surround you, they are drowning you. You feel trapped, claustrophobic, you can’t escape, and it is as if the walls are getting closer and closer, ready to crush you.
That is when you realise, you need to get out of this room.
You manage, shakingly, to get up, and to move as silently as you can, towards the door. As soon as you feel the soft and fresh night breeze, you start to calm down.
The night is clear, and looking up, you can see all the constellations in the sky. Even the moon is here, sharing her light with you.
The shadows are gone, you feel safer. The nightmare is over.
You take a moment, to really calm yourself down. You sit on the deck’s wooden floor, and start a few breathing exercises. Breathe in, breathe out.
Slowly, your pulse becomes more regular, and your heart doesn’t aches as much as it did moments before.
You are safe, you tell yourself. Or at least, not in any immediate danger.
Everything is calm, and you decide to lay down a while, to look at the sky, and to try to get some rest. You let the sound and movement of the waves lull you, as the last sighs of your panic attack fade off.
You then fall into a peaceful dreamless sleep for the rest of the night.
…
The early morning light and the sound of seabirds wake you. Surprisingly, you feel a blanket on your body.
“Good morning Torao !” You hear a feminine voice, that can only belong to the Devil Child, Nico Robin. You are never completely at ease with her, not that she does anything wrong or unfriendly. You just feel like she is always looking right through your soul.
She is a complete mystery, often smiling, but always saying some cryptic things. You like her, you think.
You nod at her as an answer, before properly getting up and joining her at her table. She is drinking her morning tea.
“It is nice to have someone awake this early ! it gets a little lonely on the morning when everyone else is sleeping.” She says, pouring some tea in a cup that is apparently meant for you. You nod again, to thank her.
“Thank you for the blanket.”, you say, giving it back to her.
She seems surprised by your statement, and raises an eyebrow.
“Well you would be welcomed if I gave it to you, unfortunately, you already had it when I arrived. I assumed you brought it there to sleep with you.”
You must have a funny look on your face because she starts to laugh.
“Well I’m sure you have a nice nightly guardian angel looking after you.”
***
Did you know that you have a freckle just a little bigger than the others right under your left eye shaped like a flower ? The first time I noticed I thought it was a stain, but apparently it’s not.
Did you know that when you laugh, your nose curves a little ? That’s the kind of stuff I notice about you, and I don’t know why, and it makes me crazy.
With other people, I notice like yellow stains in their eyes, indicating they have a liver problem, or if they have any medical symptom that might need to be taken care of. But not with you.
What is it with you that I can’t stay calm when you’re around ? How come everytime you’re around, my body aches ? Everytime I see you, I can feel that something chaotic is going to happen.
You’re like a tornado. Wherever you go, you change things, you turn everything upside down, and when you leave, everything feels empty. But that’s the thing. I hate chaos, I hate anything that I can’t control, or plan. You’re supposed to be everything I hate. Then why the fuck did I come to save you after what happened in Marineford ? We had only met once. And when I learned you were in danger, I don’t know, I didn’t think about it. I never not think about something. That’s the kind of crazy shit you make people do.
***
Exhaustion. That’ll be the end of you. Bepo told you so many times that you can’t survive with one hour of sleep and a lot of coffee. Of course you know that. As a doctor, you would never ever let anyone under your care do that. But it’s different for you, isn’t it ? Plus, it doesn’t’ help that you barely eat.
One day, a very hot and sunny day, you forget to drink enough. A big fight against another ship happens, and you help the crew, you use your power, and even if you’re not injured, you are tired. You didn’t sleep well last night. So naturally, at some point after the fight, a little before dinner, when the whole Strawhat crew is here, you get up too fast, and you whole vision goes blank. Your blood pressure just drops as you fall on the floor, unable to move, or to see anything.
Usually, you manage to get through those things quick enough so nobody never notices, you don’t want to seem weak, you don’t want your health and anaemia to get in the way of anything you want to accomplish. Besides, you have better things to do anyway than watch over your diet.
So, there you are, on the ground, and you mentally make sure to insult yourself because you know this is going to make quite a scene, and even if you are in no shape to hear or see anything, you feel everyone around you, worrying.
When you emerge, you don’t feel the hard wood of the deck under your back, but rather the soft and comfortable feeling of a bed. Maybe you were feeling a little less okay than you thought.
You feel a warm blanket on your body, and something even warmer holding your hand. You open your eyes, and look around you. It’s Dr Chopper’s infirmary. Besides you, Strawhat is there, looking at you. You move your hand out. It burns.
“What the hell”
Strawhat looks at you, and he has the biggest smile on his face, like Christmas came early or something, and you want to punch him in the face.
“Torao ! You’re awake ! Chopper said you passed out because you’re missing some iron in your blood, that’s weird, but well, it’s better to trust him, he knows what’s up. Sanji’s furious because you didn’t tell him, he says that he could have adapted your meals or something”
And he goes on rambling like you don’t have the biggest headache at all.
“We were all so worried, you fell like a tree in the woods, it made a big noise, as if you hit your head !”
“Strawhat.” You stop him “Please, can you speak lower ?”
He stops talking. “ Sorry. I was worried you know. It’s not like you to…”
“I’m fine, it’s nothing, I was just a little tired. No need to make a big thing out of it.”
“Of course it’s a big thing !” He seems upset now. Nothing to do with the big smile he gave you a minute earlier.
You sit down on the bead, and hold on to his gaze.
“Strawhat. I won’t fail the plan, if that’s what you’re worried about. This won’t happen when we’re in Dressrosa…”
“I don’t care about Dressrosa and your plan ! I know you’ll have everything under control !” He says, getting up quickly. “But this is my ship, and I forbid you to scare me like that ever again, okay ?”
You let out a sigh. Of course he would be like this. It makes you want to vomit. You’re just allies, not friends, nothing else. He’s not supposed to care for you.
“Look, Strawhat. Luffy.” He sits back down, but you can tell he is still very upset. “I am fine, it won’t happen again, I swear.”
You see his hands, fists clenched on his knees, and you don’t know why, but before you know it, your hand cover his as you finish your sentence.
Your eyes lock into eachother, and at this exact moment, Dr Chopper comes in. You immediately take off your hand, and fake a cough, embarrassed.
“Dr Trafalgar ! you’re up ! We have to talk about your iron levels.”
You put your hat back on your head, and nod, as Strawhat gets up again and heads out.
“Don’t forget your promise, Law.” He says before disappearing.
***
I remember the time I first saw you. I remembered thinking you were the most stupid pirate on this whole universe, to punch a celestial dragon on the face like you did. I remember thinking “that’s someone I never want to work with.”
And look where I am now.
But I also remember the look in your eyes. That determination. That rage, that fury, that desire to protect the ones you care about. That strength. I must admit, it gave me chills, at the time. I admired you.
We fought side by side against the Marines, and I saw how strong you were. I was already anticipating the day I would have to fight against you.
Days later, I remember seeing you, on the big screen, around which the whole world was watching you, falling off the sky to save your brother. You had the same look, the same fury, the same determination. That day, you would have destroyed the world with that look.
Then the screen went black. It went black, and I don’t know what happened, but I had to go there, I had to see, I had to watch History happen. At least that what I told myself and my crew. I don’t know, I just knew I had to be there.
Then I saw you again. The submarine went back to the surface, and I saw you. Hurt. Badly. Hopeless. Both physically and morally. It was the saddest, most painful thing to see..
You looked so weak, so fragile as I carried you in my own arms, to the operation room. I could never unsee that, even if I wanted to. That day, you broke inside. The physical wound itself was pretty bad, but it was nothing compared what was going on in your mind. I’d never seen such pain inside someone, it was like all your organs were affected by it. Pain corrupts everything.
I did what I had to, I tended your wound, I acted as the doctor I try to be. But the way you got back up, the way you needed only a few word from that sea paladin, the way you overcame that, it’s your real strength.
I lost someone too. But I was never able to do what you did.
***
“You know I used to write to you ?” He says in a chuckle, “Letters that I would never send, just to …. You know, let go of everything I felt about you.”
“You did ? That sounds stupid.”
As the smell of menthol cigarette announce their presence, you overhear Sanji and Zorro talking on the deck below you, and you can’t help but agree. It sounds stupid, to write letters that aren’t meant to be sent, or read. Letters just for yourself.
“Well, if it weren’t for them, I would have never guessed that everytime I was mad at you for anything, it was actually because I loved you and your stupid seaweed head.”
They walk away, holding hands and laughing lightly, as you feel something uncomfortable and heavy in your chest.
They make an odd couple, you think.
***
You feel someone looking at you. You don’t know why but you can always tell when she is watching you. It’s like a cold feeling in your back, it’s annoying. You turn around and adjust your hat before talking.
“Nico Robin.”
“Torao ! Good evening.”
She smiles and comes next to you, facing the immensity of the ocean. You never know what she’s thinking. It’s not that you’re curious about that, but she just looks like she’s plotting something and you don’t like that. You’re the one that always plots. She makes you nervous.
“It’s funny how you chose to make an alliance with our captain”
“What do you mean ? Is this a threat ?” you frown, your hand ready to draw your sword.
She lets out a light laugh and shakes her head. You will never understand this woman.
“No, no I just mean that at first I thought you would leave on your own as soon as you would get that an alliance with Luffy isn’t what you might have imagined. Yet, you’re still here, and it’s good.”
“Well, I don’t break promises. I might have miscalculated about Strawhat but it’s fine, I’ll figure something out” you answer shrugging.
“I think you underestimate him. We’ll all make it out alive, he won’t let you die on your suicide mission.”
You frown. She has a point, and you don’t like it. You don’t plan on survive at all. And now… you’re stuck. Stuck because you can’t leave, can you ? You answer nothing, because you have the feeling she sees right through you.
“You know, I used to think I would only stay temporarily here too, when I first arrived on that boat. But Luffy does that to people, he grows into you. Don’t you think ?”
You grunt. You don’t want her to be right. All their illusions about being crewmates and friends and everything, it sickens you.
“I’m only here until we take Kaido down and get back to my crew, nothing more.”
“Yes, of course, if you say so” She answers with again one of her enigmatic smile.
“Nico Robin ?”
“mh ?”
“Why do you follow him ?”
“I think it was his smile. It’s just so contagious, you know ? He made me smile like no one else, and after that, I realised I couldn’t live without it.”
***
Okay maybe I needed you back then, to take down Doflamingo. I needed your power, your strength, and your ability to create chaos everywhere you go. I needed you to get my revenge, to put an end to a tyranny, but mostly, to avenge someone’s death.
But that doesn’t mean I needed anything more from you. I didn’t need your pity, I don’t need your pity, or your friendship, or anything.
I don’t want to need you.
So please, why did you make yourself so indispensable ? Why did you HAVE to be like that. I wasn’t lonely before. I was never lonely before I met you.
But now that you’re away, this feeling won’t go.
***
“What are you doing, lurking in here Torao ?”
You freeze. It’s the Navigator, Nami. She caught you looking for some paper in her office. You turn around to face her slowly. She’s resting her back on the wall, arms crossed, a smirk on her lips, like she’s enjoying this way too much.
“I was looking for some paper to write on. Dr Chopper told me you had some to draw your maps or whatever.”
“And you couldn’t bother to ask”
She walks past you and opens a drawer before holding some blank paper in her hand. The truth is, you were too embarrassed to ask. You hate to admit it, but there is something frightening with that girl. Besides, you can tell that behind her smiles and tease, she doesn’t trust you at all.
“You know what, nevermind”, you say before heading out.
“Not so fast, mister Surgeon of Death”
You freeze and sigh. What is it with this crew, always wanting to talk talk talk talk ?
“What were you planning to do with that paper that is so secret you couldn’t even ask for some ?”
“It’s none of your business.” You answer, a bit too fast, which makes her raise an eybrow.
“What, do you have a secret journal in witch you say everyone of your dirty little secrets ?” You know she’s only joking but her teasing hits a little too close.
But no, today is not the day you are going to let some Navigator bother you about that stupid idea you overheard one night.
“Well maybe I’m writing in there that there’s an unsufferable ginger who won’t let me help Dr Chopper study new medicine”
She sighs and hands you the papers.
“You know, you don’t always have to be so defensive, Mr I-never-smile-because-if-I-do-it-might-ruin-my-dark-pirate-aura. Nobody is going to eat you”
You sigh and mumble a vague thank you. But you notice she looks at you more seriously now, her arms crossed.
“You know if you do anything to hurt our captain, you’re a dead man, right ?”
“haven’t we passed the point where you all fear I betray Strawhat ?” You ask, annoyed. It never even crossed your mind to betray him, yet, everyone seems so sure you will, and that makes you angry.
“I wasn’t talking about betrayal. I see how you look at him. And how he looks at you. We all see what is going on here.”
“Look I don’t know what you’re talking about, nothing is going on, so please keep your little daydreams to yourself and don’t get in the way of my work, got it ?”
Before she can answer anything, you get out of the room, slamming the door. You can’t see her, but she’s smiling behind your back.
***
Why don’t I just leave you, leave this alliance, break everything and go my own way ? It would be so much easier, for me, and for everyone else. Now that Doflamingo is defeated I mean. Why am I still on board with this alliance. I never planned to go this far anyway, so why keep going ?
Every single person who looked at me the way you do ended up dead. I don’t want that to happen ever again. Can’t you understand that ? It’s like a curse. I can’t get attached. Because if I do, and you die, then it’s over for me.
I have no room for that, for friendship, for whatever feelings which are trying to invade my heart. There is no room for this.
Besides, pirates alliances always end in blood.
***
One night, you hear a sound that is just too familiar. You were trying to sleep, looking at the window, to catch a piece of the night sky to ease your mind, and you heard it. The sound of silent crying. The huffed breathing, the soft snorting, the sobs, that you try so hard to control. You know those sounds, because you made the same too many times.
You don’t know where it’s from, and, at first, you think it’s none of your business. How could it be ? Your presence here is strictly professional, and you don’t have the time for their problems. You have enough of your own.
You notice you’ve been holding your breath a little too long.
Why does this sound break your heart ? Why does this sound makes you want to get up and to scream at the world ? Nobody should be sad enough to cry alone at night. You know, because you’ve been there before, that it is only a matter of time, before the sobs become too out of control, too loud.
In the dark, you hear the soft crumpling of bedsheets moving. In the night, you distinguish a shape in motion. Someone is getting up; the person crying, you assume.
Then it hits you. You recognize Strawhat Luffy. It only makes the feeling worse. Being with him every day almost made you forget that he could be anything else than a literal ray of sunshine. It almost makes you forget that face, that face of pure despair that he had after the Marineford incident. The face holding a suffering so big that you remember thinking nobody could survive that.
But he did. He survived, and you almost had forgotten that he too could be hurting.
You hear steps, and the door, softly opening and closing.
Then you don’t quite know what hits you, but you get up as well, and go for the door, until you feel a hand on your shoulder, holding you back.
“Don’t.”, you hear behind you.
It’s Roronoa Zoro. You turn around, and look at him with a frown. It’s dark, but you can still see his face, serious, almost hostile. It awakens anger in your stomach.
“Jeez, one is not allowed to take a pee on this ship ?” you snap.
“You know what I mean, Death Surgeon. I’ll take care of him”
He goes out of the room, leaving you alone, standing in the dark, not knowing what to do. Something is aching in your chest, and you can’t really tell what it is. Right now, you are feeling bad, and… Jealous ? This is ridiculous, you think. Roronoa is right, it’s none of your business, you don’t have to take care of anything besides yourself.
You slowly get back to your bed, sitting on the edge. You’re trying to see if you can hear what’s happening outside. Not that you care. But you can’t hear anything else than the soft sound of waves in the night.
“Dr Trafalgar ?” You hear from a bed near you. It’s the reindeer doctor, Chopper.
You answer with a small grunt.
“Excuse Zoro for that… he gets very protective when it comes to Luffy, but don’t worry about it !”
“I’m not worried.”
But you are, worried. You turn around, facing the porthole, and hear Chopper getting back to sleep. You try to sleep too. But sometimes sleep is only a smoke cloud that you can’t reach. A cloud shaped like a strawhat, in this case.
***
You told me you only wanted to be free. The freest man on the planet. But ever since I met you, I never felt more imprisoned.
Like my mind is always trapped into thinking about you. My skin remembers the feeling of your hand on my shoulder, the feeling of your breath when you were standing too close, the sound of your footsteps on the deck.
You’re everywhere. It’s sickening. They say love is supposed to give you wings, to make you feel light. But I only feel heavy and sick.
***
“Do you miss your teammates ?” Strawhat asks you, out of nowhere.
He’s upside down, his legs attached to a rope high above, his body stretched towards you. A literal monkey. He has this way of looking right through you, and make you feel seen . You’re not sure you like it.
“I’m sure they’re doing just fine.”
“that’s not what I asked”, he says, getting down and sitting next to you, his shoulders touching yours. He doesn’t get personal space, does he ?
“I know you’re not worried. But do you miss them ?”
Why is he always like that ? Not letting go if you give an answer he doesn’t find right. You sigh. You can’t think when he is that close, you can’t think of anything else than his body against yours, trespassing your personal space so much that you hear your own fucking heart beating in your ears.
“If I had a polar bear on my crew, I would miss him everyday !” he says, his hand on the back of his head, smiling still. You don’t quite know why, but you give him an answer anyway.
“Well I sure miss Bepo, and the others too. It’s never easy for a captain, being away from his crew or his ship.”
“One time, my crew got separated for two years. It was the worst. But I was sure I would get back to them if I got stronger, so I did ! and now we’re together again !”
He talks about it like it’s nothing, but something tells you it wasn’t nothing, at the time. Two years.
You clearly remember those two years. Two years marked the time between the first, and the second encounter you had with Strawhat Luffy. You don’t count the Marineford incident, because he was unconscious all the time. Besides, you don’t like to think about that time.
Two years. Two encounters that changed everything.
“Torao ?” he snaps you out of your thoughts. Annoying.
“mmh ?”
“you’ll get back to them. I promise.” He says, putting his hand on your arm, to close to your own hand.
But you don’t believe that promise, because it is not his to make. He will have no business bringing you back alive, when everything is already decided. Dressrosa will be your end. Or at least you think.
***
You know what ? fuck you. This is all your fault, with your stupid smile and your stupid face so round and so nice, and your stupid big kind eyes, and your stupid ideas about being friends and fuck your stupid crew.
I hate you all, and I’m so happy this is all over because at least now I can be alone in my own cabin and not be with any of you, and especially not you.
What am I supposed to do now uh ? You’re off fighting some Yonko on your own, on an even more suicidal mission than the one I offered you. An emperor. On your own. There is no way to tell if you’ll make it out alive, even if everyone seem to believe in you.
Well I don’t know maybe it’s for the best if you die there. At least I wouldn’t have to deal with whatever feelings I might be developing right now.
…
Please come back alive.
***
“I swear that if you don’t eat all of this, you’ll never get out of this kitchen, got that right ?” Sanji threatens you. “I will not have someone lack anything in their diet under my care.”
“Ugh fine.” You grumble.
You are now on a very strict diet since last time. It’s like Sanji and Dr Chopper made it their life goal to piss you off, and to help the level of iron in your blood go back to normal. Fuck them.
At every meal, you are now served a huge plate, and everytime there is some lentil salad. You hate lentil salad. Fuck that shit. Plus, the two of them look at you eat, to make sure there’s nothing left in your plate at the end. Even Strawhat stopped stealing food from you.
He looks at you all the time, you feel his gaze on you everytime he’s on the same room as you, and you couldn’t be more annoyed. You feel like a baby being babysat, and it’s insufferable.
“Strawhat I told you I wouldn’t pass out again, can you please stop treating me like a child about to die please?” You tell him one time, a few days before reaching Dressrosa.
You are both sitting on the floor, facing the sea, near the bow. Both facing your goal.
“I know, I trust you.” His hands are behind his head, and he’s looking unbothered, carefree as usual, whereas you can feel the stress grow inside of you as each wave gets you closer to your final goal.
“Then tell your crew to stop pampering me.”
“They do what they want, I’m not their boss.”
“You’re their captain though.”
“Yeah of course, but they still do what they want.”
Infuriating. He’s always like that, an answer to everything.
“Okay but what about yourself ?”
“What about myself ?”
“If you trust me, why all the looks ?” you ask, resting your back on the wall, not daring to look at him. However, you can feel his eyes on you.
“I think you’re nice to look at.”
You frown. What the hell Strawhat. How can he say things like that, like that ?
“Ahah, I didn’t think you could make jokes like that.”
“I’m not joking.” He says, leaning his head. He looks like a kitten it’s ridiculous. “Looking at you makes me happy so I do it ! is there something wrong with that ?”
“It’s…. not wrong.”
“It’s like when I see a cool bug, you know ? like the rare types that you can only find in very specific places ! I love to look for bugs it’s so exciting !” He says, moving his hands next to you like he does when he’s very happy about something.
“So I’m like a bug ?” You ask, softly. You can never be mad or annoyed when he’s like that.
“Yeah ! My brothers and I used to look for them all the time when we were little. Well I would drag them because they didn’t get how cool it was, but still ! It was awesome. And being with you is like finding the rarest bug.”
You look at him, and before you can even notice what you’re doing, you smile.
“You’re a pretty cool bug too, Strawhat.”