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Your skin feels the same; the same warmth, the same softness. Callouses ring around the palm of your hand and dot across your fingertips in the exact same places they were before your demonic transformation. Idly, you trail your fingers down your forearm, making the hair raise on your skin. It tickles and for some reason this causes you to smile.
It’s nice, you think, to be able to feel something again.
You regret this thought almost instantly when Sam returns to you, bringing a bag full of your favorite foods and all the guilt of your actions and words along with him. You could pretend that you don’t remember what you said to him or all the despicable things you did, but that would be a lie.
You’re done lying to yourself, it never does any good.
He sets the bag down in front of you and you look up at him through shamed filled eyes.
"Thanks Sammy," you say, soft, almost a whisper. If you spoke any louder, you may break the thin screen holding the precious shreds of your relationship together.
"You’re welcome."
Sam smiles, lips pressed into a thin, pained line. That pain, that’s because of you. You glance down and away from him, it hurts too much.He rests a gentle hand on your shoulder, lingering and then in the span of a breath, it’s gone, as is he and you’re left feeling cold and alone.
You tried to kill him, you tried to kill Sam. If not for Cas, you would’ve.
The food sits in front of you, steaming and aromatic, but the smell makes you nauseated and you push it away, rising from your chair in a rush, knocking it backwards a few feet in your wake.
You end up in the bathroom, staring at yourself in the mirror. You look the same, mostly, though there’s a tiredness etched into the lines in your face that for some reason you know they will never leave. Your reflection stares back at you, the shell of a man and you hate what you see.
Fists meet white tile until it turns red and your knuckles bleed from the impact. You scream, you sob and fall to your knees on the bathroom floor, head pressed up against the wall as tears drop like rain, leaving watermarks against the linoleum.
"Dean."
Sam’s voice startles you out of your sob-fest and you straighten you back, clenching your fists, trying to pull yourself together.
"Go away," you grit out through clenched teeth, "Just fucking leave, Sam. I don’t know why you’re even still here. Just fucking leave me, you’ll be better off that way."
You rest your head against the tile, closing your eyes, suddenly feeling tired. Sam sighs from above you and you hear a rustling, then there’s an arm around your shoulder.
"Dean, you have to stop beating yourself up over this," Sam says gently.
You jolt your head towards him, all fury and pent-up guilt.
"I tried to kill you, Sam! I’m going to beat myself up over that until the day I die."
"Dean," Sam says and you meet his eyes, expecting to see some sort of indication that he wants you to feel guilty, but all you see is acceptance and love.
"I forgive you."
You let out a gush of air and start shaking your head, “No, no, you can’t just forgive me that easy, that’s not how it works, you can’t!”
"I am."
"No, it’s not worth it, I’m not worth that just, just fucking go okay? I don’t care where, just away from me because all I do is cause everyone pain."
It’s true, Sam and Cas, Bobby, Ellen and Jo, Charlie and Kevin, if not for him maybe they’d be okay, maybe they’d be alive.
"I’m not gonna leave you," Sam says and you let out a huff.
"Why?"
"Because this? You and me? We’re not great, hell right now we aren’t even good, but I think we can get there one day. We’ve got a lot of shit to work out and it’s going to probably be awhile before we can actually be brothers again, but I’d like to try."
You nod slowly, “Me too.”
Sam smiles, a crooked little smile, but at least this one is happy and it warms your heart to see it. He pulls you into a hug, all strong arms and warm as a heater. You wrap your arms around him, resting your head on his shoulder, letting his warmth alight your bones, reminding you that this is what it means to feel, this is what it means to be human.