Work Text:
While on a very brief hiatus from Look at Us, I do this for the lolz.
A sketch for Gold Saucer, in the style of A Very Potter Musical.
Setting: Healen Lodge, Post AC
Characters: Rufus, Tseng, Reno, Rude, Elena, Dark Nation, Baby
– Curtains Part –
RENO, RUDE and ELENA are spread out across the stage.
RENO lounging on a sofa, RUDE doing paper work, ELENA fiddling with her PHS.
A knock is heard. The trio look towards the door.
ELENA
I’ll get it.
[moves to open the door]
RUDE
Wait.
[gets up and blocks her]
ELENA
Ok. On three.
[nods, pulls out a gun and gets into position, mouths 3-2-…]
RUDE
…
[opens the door, arms up, ready to swing into action]
ELENA
There’s no one… What’s this?
[lowers gun, looks at a basket on the ground, crouches down]
BABY
[lets out a squeak]
RENO
Is that a fucking baby!?
[sits upright, assumes fetal position]
ELENA
Sure looks like one. What’s a baby doing out here?
[brings the basket in, lays it on the coffee table]
[RENO squirms, looking terrified | RUDE closes the door and joins the others]
RENO
It looks… fresh, yo. Gooey.
[peers over the edge of the basket]
ELENA
You mean like a ‘newborn’?
Either of you been getting irresponsibly busy in the last 9 months or so?
[arms akimbo, looking from Reno to Rude and back]
RENO
Oh no no no no no no no. Not me.
The only time I paid attention at school was for sex ed.
ELENA
You went to school? … Rude?
RUDE
Not mine.
[shakes head]
RENO
Then it’s yours, Elena! Solved!
[stands up, finger guns pointed]
ELENA
I think I would have known if I’d been pregnant this whole time.
I think EVERYONE would have known.
[glares at RENO]
RENO
Elena. I am very dense.
[places hand on ELENA’S shoulder, face serious]
[ELENA and RUDE think about this, both nod]
BABY
[fusses, starts wailing]
ELENA
Oh no. What do we do?
RENO
Quick! Give it a boob!
[pushes ELENA towards the basket]
ELENA
That’s not how it works! I thought you said you paid attention for stuff like this?!
[crosses arms over chest]
RENO
I’m more about the journey, less about the destination.
[RUDE reaches into basket | ELENA and RENO watch with bated breath]
BABY
[stops crying]
RENO
Woah, partner, how did you do that?
ELENA
Rude, that is amazing! Where’d you learn to do…
[RUDE cradles the silent baby in one arm,
takes a spare pair of sunglasses out of his jacket pocket,
puts in on the baby]
BABY
[starts crying again]
ELENA
WHY DID I ASSUME YOU’D BE GOOD AT THIS?! Give it to me!
[takes baby in arms]
BABY
[quietens down]
RENO
You see! It senses the presence of boobs, no matter how small.
[ELENA reaches for her gun with her free arm]
RENO
Elena. This is it. This is how you trap Tseng.
You can tell him you had his baby, and now he has to marry you
to preserve your honor or whatever. Tseng loves that kind of shit.
ELENA
What? That’s ridiculous! Tseng and I have never even…
[realizes she has said too much, hides her guns]
[RUFUS enters from stage left]
[ELENA, RENO and RUDE snap to attention]
ELENA, RENO & RUDE
President!
RUFUS
Ah, I see it’s arrived.
RENO
OH THANK SWEET SHIVA!
This baby’s yours, boss? Hey, congratulations!
[heaves a sigh of relief, laughs]
[ELENA and RUDE shoot looks of suspicion at each other]
RUFUS
In a way. I’ve offered to care for this child in place of its birth parents,
who wish to remain anonymous.
[ELENA steps closer to RUFUS, offering the BABY to him |
RUFUS waves her off and continues his monologue,
strolling around the room with arms behind his back]
RUFUS
You see, Turks, in these very trying times, as the world rebuilds, we need to send out a message of hope.
What better way to do that than through the next generation!
RENO
So, you want someone to snap a photograph of you with this baby
and spread it around to help repair Shinra’s reputation?
RUFUS
Me, the baby and Dark Nation.
People love dogs, and Dark Nation is a very good boy.
RUDE
Yes, he is a good boi.
[nods in agreement]
ELENA & RENO
Such a boi.
[nod in time with RUDE]
BABY
[gurgles, sounding like it might start crying again]
ELENA
What would you like for us to do now, sir?
[trying to get RENO to carry the BABY]
RUFUS
Keep it alive. Feed it. Bathe it. Change its soiled garments. General maintenance.
[sits in an arm chair | DARK NATION enters stage left and sits by RUFUS]
RENO
Uh… Does it have a name?
[awkwardly carrying the baby]
RUFUS
It needs a strong name. One that commands respect, and fear. What about…
ELENA, RENO & RUDE
Rufus.
[monotonously]
RUFUS
Of course! Rufus Shinra Junior. Rufus Shinra II. Rufus Shinra, second of his…
or her… name. Yessss. It’s perfect! Come, Dark Nation!
Let’s celebrate by shooting some chocobos!
[stands up, picks up oversized firearm, snaps for DARK NATION to follow]
[RUFUS and DARK NATION exit stage left]
RENO
Okaaaaaay. So the Turks are babysitters all over again.
At least this one isn’t going to run away and get stabbed through the chest anytime soon, am I right?
[pokes the BABY in the cheek repeatedly]
[RUDE shakes his head, adjusting his sunglasses | ELENA sighs and rubs her temples]
RENO
What? Too soon?
[TSENG bursts in from stage right]
TSENG
Have any of you seen, Rufus?
He’s supposed to be on a call with Reeve in less than…
Is that… Is that a baby?
[pauses mid-step, brows furrowed]
RENO
Oh yea, this baby is…
ELENA
YOURS.
[snatches the BABY from RENO, slides in closer to TSENG]
RUDE & RENO
…
[turn away, stifling laughter]
TSENG
Excuse me, Elena?
ELENA
IT’S TRUE! UH… YES, I HAVE BORNE YOU A CHILD. PLEASE LOVE ME.
[grinning like a maniac]
TSENG
No, I don’t think so.
[raises a hand, gently pushing Elena aside]
ELENA
What is wrong with me…
[absentmindedly passes the BABY to RUDE,
walks over to sofa and lies face down on a cushion.]
RENO
Rufus adopted this baby to improve his public image. We don’t know much beyond that.
TSENG
Rufus? My Rufus? So this baby is…
[looking shocked, hand shoots up to cover his mouth]
RENO
Yea, that’s what the boss man said.
TSENG
The child of Rufus Shinra must be protected at all costs.
I will treat it as my own. No harm will ever come to it. I must go to him.
[RUDE steps closer to TSENG, offering the BABY to him |
TSENG waves him off and stalks out the door]
[TSENG exits stage right]
[ELENA, RUDE and RENO stand around silently | RUDE moves to place the BABY back into the basket]
RENO
Do you think Strife delivers stuff for babies, and McDonald’s?
ELENA
Yes, I’m sure he does. But I hope you aren’t going to feed McDonald’s to the kid.
RENO
Course I’m not!
RUDE
Babies need proper nutrition. The human body is a temple.
RENO
And I worship McDonald’s.
[dials for Cloud Strife on his PHS and holds it up to his ear]
ELENA
I want fries.
– Curtains fall –
THE END
K THANX BAI