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It’s nine in the morning when Tiziano wakes Squalo up to get ready to meet with the rest of the boss’s guard. They haven't met previously, due to scheduling conflicts(“one of them’s an ex-doctor,” Tiziano elaborates, sounding impressed), but things are finally lining up.
“Mm, Tiz...I don’t want to go. What if they’re weird?” Squalo shoves his head under a pillow, trying to block out the sunlight from the newly-drawn curtains.
“Don’t be absurd, Squalo. I’m sure they’re….”
He trails off for a moment, thinking of some of the other members of Passione they’ve had run-ins with. There’s the literal sixteen-year-old boy, the goth built like a bodybuilder, the insecure mirror dude who cried when someone touched his hair…..
“I’m sure they won’t be that weird. And regardless, we want to make a good impression, and show that we’re friendly, sociable, and able to work well with others.” The blonde man gives his boyfriend a slight smile as he takes the pillow off his head.
“But….we’re none of those things, Tiz.”
“Exactly. We just have to seem like we are.”
The two of them get ready, opting for complimentary satin jumpsuits, with Squalo in dark purple and Tiziano in pastel yellow. Tiziano absentmindedly puts a hand on Squalo’s waist as the two stand in the kitchen, eventually opting to bring a pitcher of homemade raspberry lemonade to share with the other three members of L’Unita Speciale.
“Hey, maybe we’ll finally find some friends. If they’re part of the boss’s guard, they have to have decent heads on their shoulders, right?”
“I love your optimism, Squalo . Maybe you’re right.”
It’s only a short car ride to the restaurant they’re going to meet up at, and they’re escorted to the back room, arriving ten minutes early.
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While Tiziano checks his cell phone for any missed calls or texts from the boss, Squalo nervously bounces his leg underneath the table. How skilled would these Stand users be? Did they know about anyone else’s Stands there? God, he hopes they don’t make fun of his or Tiz’s abilities. He can take the heat himself, but if they start talking badly about Tiziano, he knows he’ll make a scene.
“Ah, sirs, there’s someone else here.” The restaurant hostess politely walks in to inform them that the third member of the Solido Naso party has arrived.
The young men straighten up, exchanging an eager but nervous glance as the next member of the guard squad enters the door.
Neither of them have any idea how to respond when they see Carne. Tiziano manages to pull off an anxious smile and brief “Hi there,” but Squalo’s mouth is hanging open in shock. The man(?) has three defining traits, from what Squalo can see: he is HUGE, he is rectangular, and he does not blink.
There’s a small name tag on his shirt that reads Carne, so Tiziano politely greets the man, but he doesn’t respond, which annoys him.
“ Rude,” Tiziano mutters under his breath, before shifting his gaze to Squalo.
“ Psst. Squalo. You’re staring. Close your mouth. ”
“ Tiz, I am going to have a mental breakdown .”
Their whispers luckily don’t seem to be noticed by the brick-shaped gentleman who approaches the table.
Carne opts to sit across from both of them, his gaze fixated blankly on Squalo, who averts his eyes immediately.
This is not good, Tiziano thinks. Squalo will cry if this meatloaf man keeps looking at him like that. Where does the boss even find these losers? He gently touches his lover’s face, turning it towards him, making note of the panic in his eyes. Squalo uses the opportunity to speak up.
“Ah….hey, Tiz! I kind of have to really go to the bathroom now! Would you, my wonderful boyfriend, like to accompany me?”
That’s code for “if this guy looks at me for another second I’ll either scream or try and kill him,” so Tiziano is more than happy to take his boyfriend’s hand and walk into the men’s room, which is thankfully empty.
Maybe two seconds of silence pass before Squalo asks “What the actual fuck did I just witness? Do you have any idea what the hell we just saw? Why does he LOOK LIKE THAT?!”
His voice is panicked as he throws both of his hands up, gesturing furiously at nothing in particular.
“I really don’t know, honey.” Tiziano gently takes one of Squalo’s hands, rubbing his thumb over it in an effort to comfort him.
“Darling, he...he looks like a cinder block…” Squalo’s voice is shaky.
“Yeah.”
“Or, or like a...an ice cream sandwich, or a refrigerator, or…”
“I know. It’s alright. You shouldn’t make fun of him for things he can’t control.”
“Why does he keep looking at me?”
That’s a question Tiziano doesn’t have the answer to, so when Squalo buries his face in his hands, Tiziano holds him tightly and reassures him that soon, the other two guards will be there, and things should get a bit less awkward.
“...I’ll trust you, Tiz. Let’s go back out, I think I just heard someone walk in the restaurant. Maybe it’s the doctor and his friend.”
Exiting the bathroom and returning to their seats at the table(Carne still hasn’t moved or blinked), Squalo and Tiziano patiently await the arrival of the last two members of the guard. Squalo has placed a restaurant menu between himself and the man across from him, and when he slumps down far enough, he can’t see Carne. With renewed strength, he prepares for the next people to arrive.
There is no amount of explanation that could have prepared Tiziano and Squalo for the first time they saw Cioccolata and Secco. As soon as they entered the room, the lovers glanced at each other and muttered a quiet what the fuck.
“What the fuck” is really the only proper reaction to witnessing the pair. While Squalo finds himself gazing in horror at Cioccolata( is...he wearing a priest coat? Why does his hair look like that? Why does it suddenly smell like a moldy fridge in here?), Tiziano is more petrified by Secco( oh...oh my god. This can’t be real. Is he on a fucking leash?) .
“Ah, the famed Tiziano and Squalo! What a wonderful delight to finally meet you!” Cioccolata walks in, proudly brandishing a leash that he’s using to keep Secco from biting at patrons. The two wear nametags, though they’re both in incomprehensible handwriting. The green one, as Squalo and Tiziano will call him, grins in a terrifying fashion as he leads his….assistant, into the room, and the two sit right next to Tiziano.
“What beautiful skin you have, Mr. Tiziano!”
There’s something else incomprehensible muttered after that, but Tiziano is grateful he didn’t hear it.
“Ah….thank…..you…….”
Scooting his chair a little farther from the two of them, Tiziano shoots Squalo a look of utter disgust and panic, to which he gets one in return. He attempts to sit as still and quiet as possible, but his calm facade breaks when the one in the….morph-suit, scratches behind his left ear with his right foot.
“Squalo, my dear...I have to use the restroom. Would you mind accompanying me?”
Squalo is out of his seat before Tiziano even finishes the question.
Cioccolata gasps.
“A couple! How lovely! I’ve never worked on- er, worked with a pair of lovers before….”
Secco smiles at his…..” boss’s” clear excitement. Tiziano and Squalo speedwalk to the restroom.
They practically kick the door in, scrambling into the room.
“Squalo. Be honest with me,” Tiziano says, holding Squalo’s face in his hands. “Did you put something in the lemonade, or did some kind of whorish maniac in a priest coat and a half-naked dog man just walk in?”
“Tiz...I wish I could say I spiked it, but no…..you’re seeing things right…..”
It’s rare for Tiziano to panic, but he is deeply concerned about everything right now.
“I….Squalo, I’m sorry for...saying things would get better…..”
Squalo doesn’t respond, instead opting to sit on the floor with his head in his hands.
With a look of defeat, he looks up at Tiziano.
“Do you think they……?” He makes a vague gesture and raises his eyebrows.
“God, I...I don’t know….” Now it’s time for Tiziano to join him on the floor, sinking down next to him with a look of confusion.
“Like… The leash? I think they do. I don’t want them to, I don’t think they should be legally allowed to, but…..”
“It might be more concerning if they don’t, Squalo...Because that implies there’s some other reason they’re doing it…”
The couple sits on the floor, Squalo leaning his head on Tiziano’s shoulder.
“I...sincerely apologize, Squalo. I would have let you cancel if I had known it would be like this. Killing people is one thing, but interacting with freaks like that is a burden I’d never wish on you.”
“It’s alright, honey. You didn’t know. I don’t think anyone could have.”
They meet eyes before lightly kissing, and finding it in them to stand back up.
“This meeting is just to get acquainted and I’d say we’re more than well acquainted with...those three. I’ll say we have to leave.”
“I’d really appreciate that, Tiz….remind us never to work in groups.”
Bracing themselves for whatever horrific sight may greet them, they walk out and turn the corner to the back room. Secco is on the table, drinking lemonade(“ don’t touch my lemonade, you freak ,” thinks Tiziano) out of a dog bowl.
“You’ve returned! I’ve just brought out some exciting games for us to play to partake in some team bonding!” Cioccolata’s arranged a myriad of board games that they don’t remember seeing him walk in with. Monopoly, checkers, and most concerningly, Operation, are among the chosen selection.
“I...appreciate the offer, but we unfortunately have to leave. Immediately,” Tiziano says, grabbing his and Squalo’s bags off of their chairs.
“But the fun’s barely begun! I know Secco and I are just dying to get to know you a little better.”
With that, he grabs the thimble off the Monopoly board and tosses it up in the air, to which Secco responds by catching it in his mouth triumphantly. He beams with a smile for a second, his teeth bared, before swallowing the thimble.
“Good work! Now we just have to work on the last part- I’ve had to buy four extra sets of Monopoly pieces in the last month because of that…”
Squalo glances at Carne, who is still staring emptily at the wall.
Maybe he’s got the right idea, dissociating for the past hour, he thinks.
“We have to go. Now.” Tiziano is starting to glare at the two men in front of him, his orange eyes shining with anger.
“Yes. I...my mom died. Like ten minutes ago. She is dead and I have to go….see her,” Squalo blurts out. “Because she is dead.” He gets an eye-roll and a smile from Tiziano.
Tiziano catches on quickly, as he places a hand on his red-haired partner’s shoulder.
“Horrible tragedy. Squalo is devastated. Anyway, it was truly enlightening to meet you all. Bye!”
With that, the two practically sprint out of the restaurant, hearing Cioccolata yell something from behind them.
“But wait! If she just died, I can help with that! I just need one of you willing to temporarily give up your heart!”
Luckily, they can’t make out the words as they push through the front door, racing to their car. When they’re safely in their car, there’s a moment of exasperated breathing before Squalo glances behind them as Tiziano starts the car.
“T….Tiz...Don’t look in the rearview mirror.”
“Squalo, what-”
“ Drive. Right now. Fucking DRIVE !”
Tiziano reverses at mach speed out of the lot, and he catches a glimpse of Secco, on all fours, running after the car.
There’s only the screeching of tires as the two speed down the road. He’s still gaining on them, getting honked at by surrounding cars as Cioccolata calls for him with a whistle.
“I’m gonna do it.” The look on Tiziano’s face is one of pure determination.
“What do you-”
At full speed, Tiziano reverses the car as soon as Secco is directly behind them, smiling as it hits him and he whimpers before galloping off into the distance.
The car lets out a horrible noise as Tiziano puts it back into drive, as Squalo clutches desperately to the dashboard.
“It didn’t even hurt him. I’m not even certain he’s a human.” Tiziano sounds more inconvenienced than anything else, glad that Secco has stopped his pursuit, even if it was at the
cost of some severe bumper damage and Squalo’s anxiety levels for the day.
Nothing is more relieving than when the two get back to their apartment, Squalo still surveying the area nervously for any mad doctors, feral maniacs, or rectangle men.
They both quickly walk inside, making certain to lock the door before Squalo collapses on the couch.
“What a fucking nightmare…..” Squalo says, rubbing his head and shuddering.
“At least we still have our title as the only normal people in Passione,” Tiziano replies, already pouring them both glasses of champagne, because they sure as hell need them.
The two sit together, basking in the shared trauma of witnessing what they’d seen that day.
“...Hey, Tiz…?”
Tiziano looks up from his glass.
“Yes?”
Squalo puts his glass down on the table before embracing Tiziano and leaning into his chest.
“We are never trying to make friends again.”
“You’ve got that right.”