Work Text:
light, dark, light, dark.
cold, empty, cold, empty.
sonny sees his life flash before his eyes as tom cole presses the barrel of his gun to his forehead. he sees cole fiddle with the trigger, as if he was testing him. he gulps, putting his gun down and kneeling. sonny felt like he could almost taste death, like he could grasp it with his two hands. in this moment, he thinks of his family, his friends, God. and rafael.
he thinks about his sisters, how much he loves them and he prays that they’ll be okay in the end. teresa finds someone to settle down with, gina finds someone for herself and mia too, and thinks about bella’s kid. shit, he thinks about amanda and liv and fin, even mike. will he get to see mike again? hopefully. he’ll hug him and call him stupid for going out on last day. he prays that God sends him to a nice place. after everything sonny has been through, heaven didn’t sound bad at all.
lastly, he thinks about rafael. but there’s so much to think about, his thoughts jumble into a mess of just rafael, rafael, rafael. his laugh, his smile, his snark, his stupid green eyes, his mouth, his kisses, everything. maybe he’s ready to go.
sonny closes his eyes, and in that moment, a shot goes off. his body feels all tingly, his face is warm, but he’s intact. when he opens his eyes, tom cole is dead, a pool of blood growing on his torso. he realizes the blood on his face isn’t his own, it’s cole’s, splattered onto him.
the panic starts to hit him, then, and it takes all his power not to spiral into a panic attack. the tell-tale symptoms are there, his heavy breathing, his helplessness, his fear, the sweat, the sensory overload. but olivia is at his side, touching him lightly, and he manages to shake the overwhelming feelings, at least for a little bit.
he breathes hard, nodding when olivia tells him he’s okay. she leaves him to attend to their victim, and sonny immediately rushes over to knock the gun from tom cole’s hand. the blood on sonny’s face drips down and onto cole. he tries to take a breath and close his eyes.
—
when sonny stumbles into the car with olivia, he already knows what’s going to happen tonight, and tomorrow. the initial panic had worn off, but he still felt sick to his stomach. his head throbs, and god, all he wants is for this day to end. he’ll be non-verbal tonight and tomorrow, he knows. he always is, especially after traumatizing events. sonny doesn’t have the energy or willpower to speak, but he’s so, so, thankful that he knew ASL, and rafael knew as well.
“rafael can pick you up at the precinct, carisi. go home, take tomorrow off. today was heavy,” olivia says, never taking her eyes off the road. sonny nods weakly, resting his head against the head rest. he had an exhausting and stressful week, and for this to top it off?
as they near the precinct, he remembers that he actually had to text rafael. he tries to pull his phone out, but olivia stops him. “he’s on his way,” she nods, parking. the two of them step out. shakily, sonny makes his way back into the precinct, ignoring everything around him, before everything will start to feel heightened to him again.
out of the corner of his eye, fin and rollins give him concerning looks. rollins gets up as he makes his way over to his desk, but he shakes his head at her, motioning for her to leave, go away. she gives him a confusing look, but nevertheless, she does. sonny will tell her later.
his mind feels numb and empty as he grabs his coat and bag. he contemplates sitting here to wait for rafael, but the noise was starting to get too much. sensory overload, he thought to himself. his therapist told him about that. he didn’t know he experienced it, he had never even heard of that name before.
sonny decides to take solace in the empty break room, sitting down at one of the chairs, and letting a breath out. sonny closes his eyes, trying to grasp what just happened to him. he teetered the line between life and death. he’s sure to see this in his dreams tonight, well, if he even does. right now, he feels so tired and scared and anxious, that there was a small chance of him being able to sleep. he won’t be able to speak tonight either, sonny feels it in his throat.
the door to the breakroom opens quietly, sonny looks up from the table to see rafael, eyes concerned, soft. “soleado,” rafael whispers, coming closer. instantly, sonny opens up to rafael, letting rafael stand between his legs. sonny rests his head against rafael’s stomach, a comforting feeling. i could’ve lost this today, he thinks. rafael’s gentle arms wrap around his head, bringing him closer. “oh, sonny. te quiero,” the older man whispers.
sonny holds him tighter, and cries.
—
as the uber pulls up right in front of their apartment, sonny gently taps rafael to get his attention. he didn’t need to, considering the fact that he was resting his head against the other man’s shoulder, but he still taps him. when rafael looks at him, sonny signs, “i love you.” rafael doesn’t sign back, he simply presses a kiss to his forehead as he helps him out of the car.
sonny heavily relies on rafael when he’s non-verbal. not because of the fact that he can’t speak, but because of how out of it and jelly like he feels. usually when he’s non-verbal, that’s what he feels. other times, he doesn’t feel jelly like. normal, sometimes.
“do you need help with your shower?” rafael asks him as they make it through the doorway. sonny cringes at the sound of rafael’s voice, like something was ticking inside of him. another wave of auditory overload that’ll probably last the night. rafael looks to him for his response, shucking off both of their coats.
“overwhelmed,” sonny motions, looking down sheepishly. rafael nods, before hanging up the coats to free his hands. rafael understands what he means. “okay. do you need help?” rafael signs.
“i just want to be alone for a little bit, raf,” usually, he likes to finger spell rafael’s full name. even if it took him longer, it made him feel happier. but he was too tired tonight. “i’ll make dinner. take your time,” sonny’s heart swells.
—
“he won’t hurt anyone again,” rafael signs as the two of them eat their dinner. spaghetti, which didn’t taste that bad, considering rafael made it. then again, sonny had taught rafael his spaghetti recipe, but it was the execution, where rafael would go wrong. tonight, he outshone himself. but sonny nods at rafael, eating another forkful of spaghetti.
“it tastes good, raf,” sonny smiles at him. rafael brightens up, excitedly signing, “seriously?” sonny lets out a small laugh at his antics.
it’s like their roles were reversed, rafael was the more excited, bright one, while sonny felt a bit more subdued, dulled. it was okay to feel like this from time to time, he’s grown to understood. but now, he feels more comforted. the presence of rafael makes him feel safe, protected. everything shielded because of this man in front of him.
he was really grateful for his fiancé. rafael made his days even more brighter, their banter made his days more colorful, his words were like a calming sea to him, everything about rafael sonny loved. the fact that rafael understood and was able to sign ASL with him was a bonus too. rafael was always there for him when speech was too hard and he could only sign. he was patient, caring, soft. everything people thought rafael was not. sonny starts to tear up at the fact that he had this man in his life.
“are you alright?” rafael grabs his attention. he moves from across him, to next to him, staring into his eyes. rafael looks so good there, in his fordham sweatshirt and soft blue pajamas. sonny wipes his eyes for a second, before resting his left hand against rafael’s knee. “okay,” sonny signs with his right hand.
for the firs time that evening, sonny feels comfortable enough and calm enough to kiss rafael. warm and sweet and easy.
rafael kisses back with the same tenderness and warmth. both of them know that they won’t be doing anything tonight, this kiss is simply full of love and comfort that sonny needed. another affirmation of love. when rafael pulls away, he rests his forehead against sonny’s. sonny smiles at him, rafael’s swollen lips doing things to his heart.
softly, he feels rafael press an ‘i love you’ against sonny’s heart. in the beginning, they were too afraid to say ‘i love you’ outloud. this was how they would do it, with the other pressing the sign to the other’s heart. they obviously say ‘i love you’ outloud now, but the motion always meant so much more to the two of them. sonny does the same, leaning in to kiss him again.
—
their night is quiet, and rafael leaves the lamp on to sonny’s request. sonny is curled around him, having downed some medication to help him sleep, he’s grateful for the tiredness he feels. rafael has his glasses on next to him, flipping through some files that he was meant to finish. rafael’s eyebrows crease, his mouth forming a frown. sonny loved how expressive he was. he was even more expressive when he signed.
“we should sleep,” he tiredly signs, dropping his hands to rest on top of rafael’s middle. rafael gives him a look from under his glasses, before taking them off and resting the files on the bedside table. “up,” rafael demands, but his gestures aren’t filled with anger. sonny complies, sitting up to sit next to him, leaning back against the headboard.
“do you want to talk about it?” rafael’s hands move more slowly now, a sign of rafael wanting to accomodate to sonny’s brain at night. after rafael puts his hands down, he looks at the empty space, debating whether he should. on one hand, he’d feel much better letting it all out tonight, rather than tomorrow. if he didn’t, he had a feeling, and from experience, he wouldn’t start talking until the next day. honestly, when he was non-verbal, it didn’t feel wrong, just a little not normal. if anything, it felt more comforting. he was fluent in ASL anyway, so it didn’t take much toll on his brain.
on the other hand, the trauma that he had just experienced was raw, fresh. he’d cry again, in front of rafael. “i’m going to cry,” sonny signs plainly, not daring to meet rafael’s green eyes. rafael lets out a grunt, before tilting his chin up to look at him. “and that’s okay, sonny. i’m here for you. you scared me so much, sun,” the moment rafael stops, sonny is crying again.
they aren’t full on sobs, just small cries. cries of realization, cries of tiredness, sorrow. “i was scared, raf. so scared. i didn’t want to leave you. i thought i was,” his hands shake, his gray hair falls in front of his face, rafael leans over to push it away. in the light of the bedroom lamp, rafael looks so soft. his face is rounder, his black hair rests on top of his head like a pillow, not gelled like he usually does it. it’s enough to calm him down, so his signing isn’t as shaky as before.
“the gun, raf. it was right on my forehead. i really thought it was the end, i really did,” at that, rafael pulls him into a hug, and sonny hugs him as tight as he can, clinging desperately. he never wants to let go of him, never wants to leave the man he has poured his heart out to. the warmth radiates all over the room, settling over them like a blanket. after a few minutes of them holding on to each other in silence, rafael pulls away.
“i’m right here sonny. i’m always with you, i was so worried when liv called me,” rafael pauses to brush some gray hairs away from his forehead. “but you’re here now, sonny. you’re safe, he won’t hurt you. i’ll protect you, sun. you’re safe with me.”
sonny lets himself be pulled into another embrace, and he slides down a little bit, so he could rest his head on rafael’s chest. “oh, soleado,” rafael whispers ever so softly, as to not startle him. sonny stays there until his sniffling stops and is replaced by his regular breathing. rafael taps him on the shoulder, and sonny looks to him, watching. “we can talk more tomorrow, okay? we should sleep now.” sonny nods in agreement.
they keep the lamp on, as sonny wanted. that night, sonny is the small spoon. he lets rafael into his heart, he lets him hold him, show him how he’ll protect sonny and love him. he doesn’t think of tom cole as his eyes close, but he thinks about rafael and his soft green eyes and warm body, pressed against him.
as he drifts off, an ‘i love you’ is pressed into his chest, once more.