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“You’re suffocating me, Jungguk”, Jimin almost spits out the words, unable to look into big doe eyes that seem to burn into his skin. Jungguk is at the other side of the kitchen, the cooking island a physical barrier between them. Whatever Jungguk wanted to say dies on his lips as his eyes darken with the sting from Jimin’s words. The silence is thick and heavy as they both process the accusation. Jungguk takes a step back, his shoulders dropping as he wonders what to do next.
“I suffocate you?”, he asks with a small trembling voice. He is not sure why he is asking the question when he doesn’t want any clarification. He wants to wake up from this nightmare, he wants to pretent the past months never happened. His eyes are focussed on the floor, and he wonders why he was never aware of the granite pattern of the tiles. He hears Jimin take a deep breath and it takes all Jungguk has not to cover his ears.
“I just need space”, Jimin sighs, his voice less sharp than before, but the message of his words no less painful. Jungguk feels like Jimin is breaking him, one word at the time, and he wants Jimin to break too. So without further thought he spits out: “You were the one clinging to me for years, desperate for my attention. I never should have stopped rejecting you.” Jungguk doesn’t have to look at Jimin’s face to know how his eyes grow big and his lips move into a pout.
“Jungguk, I am not regretting our time together”, he states weakly. But Jungguk powers on, his broken heart steering his words: “Maybe I do.” His heart clenches a he swallows a sob away. Jungguk knows he doesn’t mean it. He knows he loves Jimin with all his heart, even now whilst they seem to be breaking up. But a wounded soul is unpredictable and Jungguk doesn’t know how to handle the emotions rushing through him. When Jimin speaks again, Jungguk realises they are both crying.
“I’ll grab my things and move out today”, Jimin’s voice is a whisper as he is unable to get rid of the lump in his throat. Jungguk feels the last bit of hope leave him and with a voice empty and hollow he replies: “I’ll go to the gym”. He turns around and almost runs out of the kitchen. He cannot stay and watch his whole world leave their home. Jungguk finds his gym bag near the door and moments later the door slams shut behind him. With an irritated motion he dries his cheeks with his sleeve. His feet walk fast and when he arrives at the gym he starts a workout that he hopes is gruelling enough to drown out every thought in his mind.
(…)
“Tae…”, Jimin is unable to hide that he is crying. He presses the phone closer to his ear, as he puts another one of his hoodies in a suitcase. Taehyung knows him well and he is immediately worried: “Jiminie?” Jimin swallows so he can ask: “Can you pick me up and can I stay with you for a while?” It is quiet for a while and then Taehyung needs a bit more information: “What happened, Jimin?” This is the moment Jimin breaks down, suddenly unable to bear the reality in which he finds himself. Taehyung doesn’t waste any more time: “I’m on my way”.
It only takes him 10 minutes to show up at the door. Jimin almost throws himself into his arms, sobbing as he tries and fails to explain what happened. Taehyung sees the three packed suitcases and does the math: “Did you two break up?” There is no answer, but there isn’t any need for it anyway. Tae’s arms hug his soulmate a bit closer and he strokes Jimin’s back until he seems to calm down a bit.
“Is this really what you both want?”, Tae asks carefully. He pulls back to look at his best friend and the helpless shrug and the quivering lips don’t convince him at all. He sighs and decides to try: “Jiminie, you haven’t been yourself lately. Maybe this is not the time to make a decision like this.” Jimin pulls away from him, wrapping his arms around himself in an attempt for comfort. “I can’t take a lecture now, Tae”, he mumbles. “It is not a lecture, Jimin. I just don’t know what is going on with you lately”, Tae replies. He is at a loss. Every bangtan member has been worried about Jimin the past months, but despite everyone’s individual and combined efforts, no-one has been able to reach him. It is ironic how the person who is always there for everyone else, will shut everyone out when he is the one needing help. “Where is Jungguk”, Tae wonders. “He went to the gym so I could pack and move out”, Jimin explains. He grabs two of the suitcases and gestures with a nod for Tae to get the other one. Tae complies, grabbing his phone with his free hand. He quickly sends a text message to the five other members, as he follows Jimin outside and towards the car.
Taehuyng:
Guys, Jimin broke up with Jungguk. He asked me to help him move out and he will stay with me for a while.
It doesn’t take long and he gets a reply.
Jin:
Are they OK?
Taehyung:
Jimin is a mess. He is not himself. I’m worried.
Jin:
And Jungguk.
Taehyung:
He went to the gym. Can you go check on him?
Jin:
On my way.
Hobi:
I’ll see you there, Jin
(…)
Jungguk feels like his lungs are burning. He went hard, too hard probably. But it takes a lot of physical pain to drown out the pain he feels deep in his soul. He jumps on the tredmill and starts running, trying to ignore the sting in his legs. He only ran for about 3 miles when Hobi and Jin suddenly stand on either side from him. Hobi reaches out and presses some buttons so Jungguk slows down until he stops. Jungguk bends over to catch his breath and feels Jin’s hands squeeze his shoulders: “Jungguk, we just came to check on you.” Jungguk doesn’t have the strength to stand up straight, as the tone in Jin’s voice and the fact that two of his brothers came to check on him pull all his emotions back to the forefront. A broken sob leaves his throat and he drops himself on the floor next to the tredmill. Two bodies sit down at his side, and Hobi immediately wraps him up in a hug. Jin squeezes his thigh as he says softly: “Tae said Jimin broke up with you and moved out”. Jungguk realises that Jimin is no longer moving out, apparently it already happened. He moved out. Jungguk hides his face behind his hands as he tries and fails to compose himself. “He will be staying with Tae for a while”, Hobi explains. Jungguk doesn’t respond and Jin and Hobi look at each other for a moment, neither one sure how to proceed. Jungguk swallows and swallows until he whispers brokenly: “He said I suffocated him”. Hobi frowns and Jin sighs: “Jimin, he is not himself lately.” Hobi agrees as he pulls Jungguk back into his arms, allowing the youngest to cry on his shoulder. Jungguk feels himself curl into his brother, needing to feel shielded from the world. His voice thin and small when he confesses: “I love him so much, hyungs. Maybe I suffocated him, but I cannot breathe without him.” Both hyungs nod, even though Jungguk won’t be able to see that with his face pressed into Hobi’s chest. Jin finds Hobi’s eyes and then he decides: “We will all need to try and find a way to reach Jimin. He loves you too, Jungguk. He has loved you since the first time you two met. And Jimin loves fiercely and he loves forever. There is something the matter and we need to find out what it is.” Jin’s phone pings with a message and he has a look.
Taehyung:
How is Jungguk?
Jin:
Heartbroken.
Namjoon:
Can we do anything? Sorry, was working on a song with Suga so we missed your message earlier. Can we help.
Taehyung:
I think Jimin needs to be left alone today. He keeps me at arms length, he is pushing me away.
Jin looks at Jungguk curled up in Hobi’s arms, and asks: “Jungguk, maybe you should stay with Hobi tonight?” Hobi hums his agreement and Jungguk finally pulls back from the sheltering embrace: “Do you not mind, hyung?” Hobi smiles and ruffles his hair: “Never, JK, you are always welcome.”
Jin:
Jungguk will stay at Hobi’s place tonight. Maybe the rest of us meet at my place tonight?
Several thumbs up follow his message and then he puts his phone away. Together with Hobi he helps Jungguk to his feet and they push their youngest brother towards the showers. “I’ll wait for you”, Hobi promises. Jungguk nods as he walks away, but he suddenly turns around. His eyes avoiding his hyungs, but his words are enough to convey what he means: “Thanks hyungs, thank you so much.”
(…)
Jin walks in with five cups of tea on a little tray. Namjoon gets up to hand out the drinks one by one and then the five of them sit in silence for a moment. Hobi eventually speaks up: “JK is so sad. He is hiding in my spare room and hasn’t eated anything. I told him I had to go to the studio for a bit, but I can’t leave him for too long”. The other four nod and Suga sighs: “I didn’t think it would escalate like this.” Taehyung takes a sip of tea and then explains: “I am worried about Jimin. He is a mess, cannot stop crying. He doesn’t eat, which we all know he doesn’t when he is upset. He won’t let me in, he won’t talk to me. He is not himself.” It is quiet for a while and then he continues: “He loves Jungguk, he has always loved Jungguk. I just don’t understand why he broke up with him.” Jin sighs and recalls: “Jungguk said that Jimin told him that he suffocated him.” All five of them frown and Suga asks no one in particular: “Jimin is always all over Jungguk, am I the only one who thinks this makes no sense?”
Namjoon plays with his cup, fingers tracing the pattern. Then he decides: “We have to talk to Jimin.” Suga scoffs: “We have all tried that, he doesn’t let us.” “Then we will have to try again”, Namjoon responds. “Should we all go together? Or all try individually again?”, Tae asks, as he puts his empty cup on the table. No one replies, all of them unsure. After a while Jin volunteers: “I am the oldest one, I will go first.” His four brothers look at him, their eyes showing the respect they have for their oldest hyung who never walks away from his responsibilities “I’ll come with you”, Namjoon offers and Jin nods thankfully. Tae adds: “I’ll try as well, he is at my place after all, so I will see if I can find a way to reach him.”
There seems to be a plan in place, but Hobi leans forward: “What about Jungguk, he needs our support.” They all agree and Suga suggests: “I’ll make sure to invite him to work on something together, take his mind of things.” Hobi gives him a thankful nod and adds: “I’ll do the same, he said a while ago he wanted to do some dance practices together.” Everything seems in place and they all stand up to go home. Jin gathers the empty tea cups and voices the one thought they all had since the news broke: “Those two belong together, this cannot be the end.”
(…)
Namjoon:
Jimin, can you come to my studio this afternoon?Want you to look at a song.
Jimin:
I’m not feeling very wel, hyung.
Namjoon:
You’ll like the song, it will make you feel better.
Jimin:
Whatever you say, hyung. I’ll be there at two.
At two Jimin walks into the studio to find both Namjoon and Jin working on music. They say a warm hello, although Namjoon and Jin miss the warm hug that Jimin usually gives so freely. Their worry increases significantly when they see the pale skin, the hollow cheeks and the blue circles around Jimin’s eyes. But for now they focus on the song, trying their hardest to create a safe atmosphere, until Jin decides it is time to get to business: “How have you been doing lately, Jimin.” Jimin shrugs, eyes glued to the screen. “We haven’t seen much of you since you moved out of Jungguk’s place.” Jimin doesn’t move and just mumbles something about being busy. Namjoon glances at Jin and takes over, trying a different strategy: “We are worried about you, Jiminie”. This time Jimin sighs, unable to hide his irritation: “Why can’t you just mind your own business.” Namjoon wheels his chair next to Jimin and turns the younger to face him: “Because we are your brothers, Jiminah.” Jimin still doesn’t meet his eyes, but the quivering bottom lip speaks volumes. Namjoon continues: “We care about you, and we know how much you love Jungguk. So why did you leave him?" Jimin tries to turn away, but Namjoon’s grip on his armrest is too strong. Teeth sink into his plumb bottom lip and after a while a still small voice admits: “I do love Jungguk.” Namjoon and Jin just wait until Jimin dares to continue, his eyes blinking rapidly to hold in the tears that burn his eyes: “It is for the best.” Jin scoffs: “You look like a ghost and Jungguk is heartbroken, Jiminah. This is not for the best.” The moment he mentioned Jungguk, Jimin’s big brown eyes lasered in on Jin. He doesn’t ask the question, but his face is clear enough, so Jin explains softly: “He is really upset, Jiminah. He loves you and he misses you. He doesn’t understand what happened.”
Jimin sighs, finally able to pull out of Namjoon’s grip. He rolls away from his hyungs, turning slightly so they are no longer face to face. His small hands come up to cover his face. For just a moment he needs to process the information. His heart breaking all over again as he think about Jungguk being upset. And he is not just upset. He is upset because of what Jimin did and said. A pang of guilt sits in Jimin’s stomach, and the feeling is almost too much to bear. He barely registers the voice next to him. “Jimin, you have not been yourself for a while now, please tell us what is the matter.” Suddenly Jimin is up on his feet and before anyone can react he is out of the studio. Jin sighs and grabs his phone.
Jin:
Tae, we tried talking to him. He was upset, but didn’t say anything. I think he is on his way home.
Tae:
Alright. I’ll wait for him here and see what I can do.
It doesn’t take long. Tae lives close to the studio. Jimin walks into the kitchen, his face blotchy and nose red. He didn’t expect Tae to be there, so he tries to turn away and escape to his room, but Tae is faster. He grabs Jimin’s wrists and pulls him to the table. They both sit down and Jimin busies himself with wiping his cheeks with his sleeve.
“We are soulmates, right?”, Tae implores. Jimin nods, sniffing unelegantly as he tries to find a tissue. “Then why are you miles away from me”, Tae asks. Jimin found his tissue and blows his nose. Then he answers: “I am right here.” Tae shakes his head and finally Jimin meets his eyes. They just stare at each other, something soulmates can do without feeling weirded out. Jimin just sits there, slowly letting the tears fall that he didn’t cry yet. He allows Tae to whipe them away with his hands. “Tell me what has you so upset, Jimin-ah.”
The question hangs in the air. Tae can feel that Jimin is about to break. So he just waits, stroking his friend’s cheeks, holding his hands. Finally, Jimin takes a shuddering breath and starts talking: “It happened about three months ago.” Again he needs time to gather courage, so they sit in silence until he finds enough to speak again: “His father rang me”. Jimin’s hands squeeze Tae’s tight. “He said they knew about us living together and he wanted to know about us”, Jimin explains. Tae remembers Jungguk’s father. A kind, but stern man. He clearly loved Jungguk and was proud of all his achievements. But he was also a traditional Korean man. Jimin sniffs again and uses the back of his hand to dry his nose. Tae’s heart breaks a little as he watches his best friend falling apart in front of him. “I didn’t know what to say, Jungguk told me he wanted to tell his parents in the future, but not yet.”
Tae pulls his chair closer and wraps his soulmate in a tight hug. Jimin folds into his embrace and cries on his shoulder as the rest of the story slowly comes out: “He said that if we were in a relationship he never wanted to see Jungguk again. He would disown him. He said he would be so ashamed of Jungguk.” Jimin’s voice is a whisper, his whole body trembling with emotions. “I love Jungguk, Tae. And I know how much he loves his family.” Jimin pulls back so they can look at each other. His eyes and nose swollen and red: “I don’t want to stand between them, so I broke up with him. I told him he suffocated me, even though the truth is that I cannot breathe without him.” The last words are said in a high pitch, Jimin no longer able to control his voice as the sobs rip though him. He curls back into Tae’s embrace and neither of them speak for a long time. When Jimin finally stops crying he is exhausted and Tae leads him to the couch. “Rest, Jiminie. We will work this out, I promise.” Jimin lies down, curling up into himself as he mumbles over and over again: “He loves his family, he loves his family, he loves his family.”
(…)
“How are you Jungguk?”, Suga asks when Jungguk walks into the studio. Jungguk puts his bag down and sighs: “I wish you guys would stop asking me that”. He sits down next to Suga and pulls away when his hyung tries to pat his head. Suga doesn’t push and just observes his younger brother for a while: “You look like shit, JK. I am just worried.” The bluntness makes Jungguk snort and he shrugs: “I am trying my best.” It breaks Suga’s heart a little bit to see the maknae struggling and as a good big brother he feels the need to take care of him. Suga knows all the hyungs do this differently. Jin cooks Jungguk’s favourite, Hobi gives him hugs and a room to sleep in so he does not have to stay at the apartment he shared with Jimin, Namjoon reassures him again and again, and Suga decides to support Jungguk his own way. He points to the screens before him: “Do you know when the best songs are written?” Jungguk nods: “When people are in pain”. They sit there silently until Suga offers: “I am happy to help you.” Jungguk breathes a thank you, as he seems to think about the possibility of writing a song about what he feels right now. Then he looks to the side, looking at Suga for a moment until he confesses: “I am so messed up right now, Suga. I don’t know how to put that into sentences and melodies.”
Suga doesn’t know what to say to this. He has known heartbreak, but he realises that it has never been as severe as Jungguk’s heartbreak in this very moment. He watches as Jungguk puts his head on his arms and listens patiently as he suddenly starts talking, something he hardly ever does: “I thought Jimin and I were endgame, you know. He was my everything, he still is. I miss him so much it hurts. Not a little hurt, but the I-feel-like-my-body-is-ripped-apart-hurt.” The silence that follows the heartbreaking confession is comforting. Suga just strokes Jungguk’s back and thinks about his reply for a while. Eventually he says: “What do you love about him?” He is not sure why he is asking this question. Maybe because Jungguk normally bottles everything up and the fact that he is talking about what he feels is something that needs to be prolonged as long as possible. Suga almost expects Jungguk to ignore the question, but he doesn’t. He answers it with his head still hidden in his own arms, leaning on the table: “He has such a big heart, he cares about everything and everyone. He is so kind to people. He is smart, he thinks about life and stuff, and what he says makes me look at things differently. And he is beautiful, looks like and angel.” Suga ruffles Jungguk’s hair and says softly: “You know, JK, if you love someone as much as you love Jimin, maybe you need to fight for him.” Jungguk sits up and look at his hyung: “What can I do? He walked out and said he needed space.” Suga nods and traces invisible patterns on the table in front of him: “People don’t always say what they mean. Sometimes they say things to cover up what they really want to say.” Suga turns his chair to face Jungguk and the younger does the same. “Do you want him back?”, Suga asks. Jungguk closes his eyes for a second and then he answers in a shaky whisper: “I do.” “Then fight for him, JK.”
(…)
Jungguk slowly walks down the stairs from Hobi’s floor to his own. He ran out of clothes and although he is currently washing them, he needs a fresh set for his gym session later this afternoon. He dreads going inside his own apartment. The past days he asked Hobi a few times to get him things he needed, unable to deal with a place that looks and smells like them, Jimin and Jungguk. With a deep sigh he turns the key and walks into the entrance hall. His eyes immediately find Jimin’s long blue coat, the one that makes him look like a model, slender and fashionable. Jungguk quickly closes the door behind him and finds his way to the kitchen. There he sees a book Jimin had been reading, with his cute black glasses that made him look like a lovable nerd. Jungguk doesn’t linger, the last conversation in this kitchen still seems to hang heavy in the air. He opens the door to the living room, only to freeze in his spot.
Jimin is bend over one of the boxes stored underneath the coffee table. He is obviously looking for books, as he stands there with one in each hand and several books layed out on the floor. His black glasses seem to have fallen down his nose a bit as he looks over them to see Jungguk standing in the door opening. “Jungguk”, his voice cannot hide the initial shock. “Jimin”, Jungguk doesn’t recognise his own voice, it sounds guarded, broken en sad. Jungguk is not sure what to do. He contemplates leaving, but Suga's voice in his head prevents him from doing that ‘fight for him, JK’. Jimin sits down on the couch, clearly as unsure of what to do as Jungguk. The latter takes the opportunity to sit down on one of the lounche chairs and for a while they just sit there in silence. Jimin eventually breaks it: “I was looking for some books”. Jungguk nods: “You like reading.” He doesn’t know why he says that, but somehow it feels good to know things about the man sat in front of him and be able to say it out loud. Jimin smiles a little and Jungguk’s heart skips a beat. He missed that smile. He missed that face. He missed that body. He missed all of it. “You look tired”, Jimin’s voice is soft and Jungguk has to strain a bit to hear him properly. Their eyes meet and Jungguk replies: "So do you”.
Neither of them knows what to say next, but they both stay put. Jimin’s fingers play with the books he is holding, and Jungguk squeezes the armrest of the chair. Again it is Jimin who dares to ask a question: “How have you been?” Jungguk freezes, not sure whether he heard him correctly. Then suddenly anger washes over him and he stands up as he replies: “You don’t get to ask me how I have been, you walked out on me remember?” The moment the words leave his lips is the moment he regrets his outburst. Especially when he sees Jimin curl in on himself as if the words physically hit him. Jungguk turns his back for a moment and mumbles a quiet sorry. When he turns back, Jimin is on his feet, two books clutched in his arms. His eyes full of tears as they find Jungguk’s: “I did it for you, Gukkie. I left because I don’t want to hurt you.” And then he moves passed Jungguk and soon after the front door falls closed behind him. Jungguk drops himself on the couch, slowly putting the books Jimin laid out back into the box. The words ringing in his ears ‘I did it for you, Gukkie’. What does that mean? Why would he get hurt unless Jimin would leave him? Jungguk is confused and as he pushes the box back underneath the table he finds his phone.
Jungguk:
Jimin, where are you?
He doesn’t get a reply so he decides to ask all his hyungs:
Jungguk:
Guys, if you see Jimin can you tell me where he is? I need to talk to him.
About ten minutes later Tae replies:
Tae:
He is here but he is very upset. Not sure if now is the right time to talk.
Jungguk ignores his advise and runs all the way to Tae’s apartment. Before he presses the doorbell he catches his breath and once he does ring the doorbell, Tae comes to the door almost immediately: “Jungguk-ah, he is really upset.” Jungguk pushes him aside and says: “I know, is he upstairs?” He doesn’t even wait for a reply as he takes the stairs with two steps at the time. He opens all the doors until he is suddenly in a small bedroom where a Jimin-shaped lump is hiding under the duvet. He faces the wall so Jungguk lays his hands on Jimin's shoulder and somewhere lower that he hopes is a hip and pulls him on his back. Jimin doesn’t hide his tears and just whispers: “Jungguk-ah, don’t do this”. Jungguk kneels next to the bed and presses his hand against a wet cheek and turns it to face him: “Tell me, Jimin-ah. Help me understand what happened.” Jimin sinks his teeth in his bottom lip and Jungguk pries is away. Jimin closes his eyes and says with a shaky voice: “I don’t want to hurt you, Jungguk.” Jungguk laughs a humorless laugh and replies: “Too late. You hurt me when you told me I suffocate you and you needed space. You hurt me when you packed your bags and moved into this little bedroom. You hurt me when you left me standing in our living room today.” Jungguk leans forward to wipe away tears Jimin is unable to stop from falling down. “Gukkie, I am sorry”, Jimin whispers, voice thick with emotion. Jungguk leans down and presses a kiss against Jimin’s red nose: “I love you, Mochi. Please tell me why you left me. And if it is because you don’t love me anymore then say that and I will never bother you again. But if it is for something else, then please tell me.”
It takes a while. Jimin needs a moment to gather his thougths, to find his courage and to find his voice. He enjoys the warmth of Jungguk’s hands against his cheeks. He missed Jungguk’s hands. They know how to touch him, sometimes soft and tender and sometimes possessive and strong, but always loving. He looks into big doe eyes and in it he sees Jungguk’s heart laid bare. His eyes are always an open book, but right now it is so open and vulnerable it makes Jimin’s heart skip a beat. His small hand reaches up and curves around Jungguk’s wrist and then he starts talking. About the phonecall from Jungguk’s father, the ultimatum, the confusion and the decision not to stand in between the man he loves and his family that mean so much to him. As Jimin speaks, Jungguk’s eyes turn glassy until tears travel down his cheeks. He bends down until his face is hidden in Jimin’s shoulder and Jimin’s arms curve around him. “Gukkie, I am so sorry. I know your father loves you, he loves you a lot.” Jungguk sniffs softly and answers brokenly: “Just not enough to accept me for who I am.” Jimin doesn’t know what to say to that, so he whispers apologies in Jungguk’s hair. Jungguk doesn’t move, he just hides into the embrace as he tries to accept the situation. He slowly calms down and then he only needs to hear one thing. He looks up. His eyes red and blotchy and he realises Jimin looks similar. “Jiminie”, he whispers. “Tell me you love me and that we are together?” Jimin smiles, his face splitting open to show perfect teeth and pretty moon-eyes. “Oh Gukkie, I love you so much and we are together.” Jungguk nods and then he stands up. For the first time since their break up they both feel like they can breathe again. Jimin sits up in the bed and watches as Jungguk grabs a suitcase and starts throwing things in it. “Junggukkie?” Jungguk turns to face him and then he says confidently: “I am taking you home, daengshin.”
(…)
“Your mother had an accident, Jungguk. She is in hospital and they are now operating on her. We think you should come down to Busan.”
Jungguk listens quietly as his father explains what happened. His father doesn’t know that he knows about the phone call with Jimin and Jungguk doesn’t know what to do now. He wants to see his mother, but he doesn’t know how to face his father knowing what he knows.
Jungguk:
Where are you, baby?
Jimin:
Studio, wrapping up though, be home in half an hour.
Jungguk:
My mum is in the hospital. I am traveling to Busan tonight.
His phone rings immediately after. Jungguk picks up and hears Jimin’s worried voice: “Is she OK, Gukkie? Are you OK?” Jungguk explains what happened and shares his worries. Eventually he shares his deepest thoughts: “I’m scared, Mochi. I want you to come with me.” It is quiet for a while, Jungguk can hear Jimin think. “Are you sure?”, Jimin eventually asks. “I need you, Moch.” Jungguk knows he is selfish now. He knows he is asking something from his boyfriend that is a lot. But he is worried about his mum, he is scared about what might happen and all he knows is that he can face it with more courage if he can hold on to a small hand and feel short fingers against his skin. “OK, I will be there soon. Can you pack us a bag?”
The journey to Busan is long and they don’t speak much. They are pressed into each other, though, and their hands are glued together. When they are about 20 minutes away from Busan, Jimin finally asks: “Does your father know I am with you?” Jungguk shakes his head and apologises: Sorry, I didn’t know how to tell him.” Jimin nods, he does understand, although it hurts him that this has to be such a problem. He quietly checks: “So no holding hands then? Just friends?” Jungguk shrugs, he doesn’t know what he wants. He wants his father to love him, but if he doesn't accept Jimin as his boyfriend does he then really love him? He has been asking himself this question for the past weeks and he doesn’t know the answer. Jimin, understanding as ever, suggests: “I’ll take your lead. I’ll just be a friend unless you need me to be something else.” Jungguk looks at his boyfriend and squeezes his hand: “How did I get so lucky.” Jimin smiles and teases: “I’ll remind you of that when you scold me again for making a mess of your perfectly folded clothes.”
They find their way to the hospital, Jungguk getting more and more nervous as they get closer. Once they walk inside the hospital smell makes their stomachs queezy. Jungguk’s mother is out of surgery and soon they find the location they were given by Jungguk’s father. They walk in to find them both. Jungguk is quickly pulled into a hug by his father, then he turns around to press a soft kiss against his mother’s cheek. He looks at his father with questions written on his face and he sighs with relief when he hears that she is OK and just drowsy from a succesful surgery. Only then Jungguk’s father notices the slender frame in the corner of the room. He meets Jimin’s eyes and they both remember their last encouter. Yet, they bow as Korean culture dictates. They all sit down, in awkward silence. Jungguk and his father on one side of the bed and Jimin at the other side. They wait until a soft voice whispers: “Jungguk-ah, you’re here.” Jungguk stands up immediately and leans over to kiss his mother’s cheek again. “I’m here mum, you scared me”, he whispers honestly. She smiles weakly and promises: “I will be OK, dear”.
The three of them travel to the Jeon’s family home in silence and once they are inside, Jungguk says to Jimin: “We will take my old room”. He just said it without thinking, but his father overheard and intervenes: “Your old room only has one single bed. Jimin, you can stay in our guest room”. Jimin nods, remembering his promise to Jungguk that he would be just a friend unless Jungguk needed him to be anything else. Then suddenly Jungguk’s voice pierces through the room: “We can manage with the single bed, dad”. Jimin is not sure whether he should go so they can talk together, or whether he should stay. Jungguk helps him out as he grabs a hold of Jimin’s hand: “I know you spoke to Jimin on the phone and I know what you said. He left me”. Jungguk swallows to restore his broken voice as he continues: “He left me because he did not want to stand between you and me. But I was miserable, dad. I love him”. The silence is thick and Jimin stands frozen in place. He looks at Jungguk’s father in front of him. The man bows his head and confesses: “You’re mother talked to me a few weeks ago. She said she knew about the two of you for years. Mother’s intuition or something”. He sighs and looks at the two young men in front of him: “I need time to get used to it, Jungguk”. Then he turns to face Jimin: “I am sorry about what I said to you, please forgive me”. Jungguk is already in his arms and Jimin smiles through his tears as he watches father and son hug tightly.
They all get ready for bed after an emotional day. As Jimin is brushing his teeth he realises they never settled on the sleeping arrangements. He spits out the foamy toothpaste and rinses his mouth. Then he quietly finds his way upstairs. He looks at four doors and wonders which one is leading to which room. He contemplates to just shout Jungguk’s name, but suddenly Jungguk’s father appears. They look at each other and then he points to the door in the corner. Jimin nods and bows and says a soft goodnight. He expects to walk into the guest bedroom, but instead he finds a small single bed where Jungguk is already curled up into the covers. Jimin smiles and finds just enough space to lay down next to his boyfriend. They do what they always do, their limbs intertwining and their bodies pressing together until there is no space between them. Jungguk sighs contently as he squeezes his mochi in a tight embrace. Jimin chuckles and says breathlessly: “Jungguk, you are suffocating me”. Jungguk lets go immediately, eyes big as the words trigger the memories of their break up. Jimin looks at him and connects the dots. His arms pulls Jungguk close again as he whispers: “The truth is, Gukkie, I can’t breathe without you”.