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Language:
English
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Published:
2020-08-14
Completed:
2020-08-14
Words:
1,794
Chapters:
6/6
Comments:
27
Kudos:
247
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32
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3,406

Not Where I'm Aiming

Summary:

You've noticed you don't have a lot of luck with bullets. Or grenades, or most other forms of ranged weaponry. But when the going gets tough, you'll use whatever you can to weasel your way out of a pinch! You'll be just fine!

...Right?

Chapter 1: Mistaken Target

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

You make a minute adjustment to the way you're holding the longshot. It hooks onto wood things. That's wood up there, connected to the ceiling. It looks like wood, at least, so you're pretty sure it's wood. Riiiight aboooout...

There. You fire and the hook flies, chain extending as the grappling tool finds its mark, but...It's taking a while, and the chain's a bit too far away to make out. And what was that sound? Did someone catch onto what you were doing? Did you miss somehow, and the chain's coming back?

No, wait- there's a familiar lurch as the hook embeds into its target. Looks like it was just a bit further away than you thought it was. The chain begins to retract and you lift off, soaring up and above the room you'll be dropping into once the hook fully retracts wait is that a pipe-

Your shoulder twists when you hit the ceiling, head wedged between the concrete, a burgundy metal pipe, and your own body. So that wasn't wood. But then, the longshot only hits wooden targets! Why did you-

Another lurch pulls your entire body through a space you suspect was too small for your skeleton as you careen back down to earth. Ah, there was a box in the hall one room over, and when the hook bounced off the ceiling it hit the box why is the door closing-

Notes:

The longshot only hooks on to wood things. Luckily you hit one! :D

Chapter 2: Smoking Gun

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The door clicks quietly behind you, a mercy to your aching fingers. You just had to get your hands on this damn diamond, didn't you? Well, now your hands were paying the 112 million dollar price of hauling around a three foot tall hunk of gemstone across the entire back half of the museum. Honestly you're surprised your butterfingers didn't drop the thing while you were flying through the air.

You take a moment to rest the Tunisian Diamond at the top of the steps leading from the exhibit. You'd love the smell of cool night air right about now, but the smell of the security guard's smoke break hits you before any sight of him does. But every night leading up to this, his break was in another half hour...did he take up smoking to get more breaks?

What matters most right now is that he’s the last hurdle between you and payday. If he sees you, this whole heist would be for zip, zilch, nada. That rules out the hoppers and the antigrav cap. Invisibility pill is out too. Even if he doesn’t see you, he sure could see the diamond you were carrying. No adequate surfaces to wormhole, either…

You squint to see with what little light you have and you practically feel your luck turn around. The barrel of a rifle peaks out just above the concrete steps. Probably his. Soon to be yours.

With a running start you dive off the landing and grab the gun, rolling to face the guard. He doesn’t notice you at first, you think, since you can't see very well in this light, but he surely does when you start to spray bullets. The sound of gunfire erupts from your hands, and he ducks under his own hat to take cover.

It takes you until the end of the clip to realize that every single bullet of yours missed.

Notes:

Man, those first person shooters make it look so easy.

Chapter 3: Ricochet

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

What possessed you to duck into this room, of all places? You already had a weapon, you already knocked out two guys, they were just going to follow you in and you were screwed. So much for breaking out of prison if you can't even get out of this closet!

Okay, okay. You're in a pinch. There's gotta be something you could make work. That cake only had the file in it, so you're empty handed. You're in jail, so they've probably got some sort of Anti-Cheat running in here. Noclipping isn't an option. It's dark and you can only barely make out a few shapes in the light of the dim bulb above you. You've got your hands, a sink, a bucket full of musty mop water, a chair bent all out of shape, and a belt of grenades.

Actually, the belt of grenades is pretty promising. 

You push the door open, temporarily blinded by the light in the hall beyond. The most you can make out is a pair of shapes, people, guards if their blue hats told you anything. The grenade leaves your hand before you have time to think of how to aim, and for a moment you have the thought that you threw it a bit too high. 

Nah, it was fine. Just a greenish blur mixed in with the greenish paint on the walls.

One guard says something or other, but you don't have time to register exactly what before you close the door on yourself again. Either the blast would get them, or they'd run off before it blew, but you'd be home free in both cases.

...Why was that beeping coming from in here? You open one eye, squinting in the darkness of the room, and.

"What the-"

Notes:

Uhh... I don't even know what to say about that.

Chapter 4: It's in the Wrist

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The Toppat Records room is apparently quite organized. Members, crimes, research, this would be a field day for any of the government agents that kidnapped you. You don't take the time to squint out the names on the plaques above the various records, though, since there's something a bit more important that's caught your eye. Some Toppat with a blue hat sits at a table in the center of the room, pouring over some old files and chuckling to himself.

"Man. I remember this," you hear him remark, shuffling through the papers. "Good thing nobody knows about this, or we'd be in a lot of trouble."

That was a jackpot if you ever heard it! Alright, this guy had to go and his goods had to get got. The government, as rude as they were, did end up kitting you out with gadgets and gizmos. You're probably not going to use most of them, but they surely wouldn't expect them back, right? They were gifts! And one sharp little number in particular had this guy's name on it, whatever his name was.

You had to be fast, and silent. This was the only weapon you had besides C4 and a phial of acid, and neither of those could reliably take out this guy without destroying the files.

You have one shot.

With a swing of your arm, the ninja star flies from your fingers,

and finds the files instead of the Toppat's face.

You blink, watching the blue hat turn to face you. He's...less than happy that you're here, and to be honest, so are you.

Notes:

You missed! How did you miss, he was three feet in front of you!

Chapter 5: Very Accurate

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Damn it, damn it, damn it. You finally get back, finally resume operations in the Toppat Clan, and not only has Reginald moved forward with the orbital satellite plan- without your approval!- but the government caught wind of it and now they're trying to throw the brakes on the whole thing. Perfect. This is a great day back on the job.

Well, it's not like you didn't know being the head of an international thieves guild would come with a few violent skirmishes. That's why you were considering the space base in the first place, so you could outpace the, the...

Look, it's not the time for wordplay. Reginald seems to know it too, crouched behind ground the control booth, eyes darting between you and the helicopter that's trying to gun you down.

Well, two can play at this game- and this time, you came prepared.

You pull the rifle on the chopper and your assisted targeting system evaluates the threat, pinpointing all the vulnerabilities in the helicopter's defenses. All you have to do is aim for the most likely hit, and the pilot's head is a prime target.

Four shots. 95%. It has to work, right? No matter how bad your natural aim is, no matter how bad your luck, you've got a less than a percent chance to miss every shot. So you open fire, expecting things to finally pull in your favor.

The bullets fly true. Technically, none of them miss; they would've hit the pilot for sure. 

You squint and see the sheen in front of the pilot. It's too late to remember the glass is bulletproof.

Notes:

...95 percent, huh?

Chapter 6: A Shocking Twist

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Okay, so you pushed the wrong button. That didn't just open the west block security door, it popped open every cell in this part of the prison. How were you supposed to know that? They looked like the same button, and the labeling was smudged at best!

Well, it didn't matter much. Now this was a full scale prison break, and that kind of chaos might be exactly what the two of you need to sneak out of here.

"Hold it right there, inmates!"

Alright, maybe not. 

You have no tools, no time, and the shipping boxes you're using as cover won't do much to stop a bullet, but you've done more with less. You tear open the box, packing peanuts spilling to reveal a brand new sniper rifle ready for the taking.

You glance over at Ellie and she had the same idea. It looks like she found a crossbow, but you wave it off. Too slow to reload. You point at something else gun-shaped in her other hand, a pistol you assume. That would be much faster in taking out these goons.

Ellie gives you a Look, holding the thing in her hand before a realization seems to dawn on her. She seems to get the picture with a grin and a nod, so you get into position and rise to the challenge.

Her trigger finger is faster than yours.

For a moment, you feel betrayal. Then you feel a thousand volts surging through your skin and a debuff tanking your already abysmal accuracy stat. You can't aim, you can't see, you can barely move on your own, so all you CAN do is pull the trigger.

One, the bullet hits something, alright.

Two, you're pretty sure you see blood.

Three, you definitely hit a guard that time.

Four, that's the ceiling.

And just as soon as it hit the feeling is gone, leaving you with the jitters and a feeling of bewilderment at the scene in front of you. You shot all three of them with precision, right on target, without friendly fire, under a stat debuff! How did-

Ellie taps you on the shoulder and you almost drop the rifle. "We have to get going," She reminds you. There's a glint of mischief in her eye you can now clearly see as she gestures a taser, not a pistol, in the direction of the door.

Ah. She knows. Great.

Notes:

It's like Civilization, if you replaced aggression with aiming and Democracy with a taser.

---------

So here's the deal with this: I decided to mark out a spreadsheet of running jokes and coincidences in the Stickmin titles because that's the kind of person I am, and I discovered a fun trait of our favorite stick figure- Henry can't aim. Like, at all. Give him a gun and he'll probably miss his target, even at point blank range. We all remember the 360-noscope fiasco. I think the poor guy needs glasses.

Alt Title: Five Times Henry Couldn't See (And One Time Ellie Could)