Archive of Our Own

It started with a dream. A horrible, terrifying dream.

Fai couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a nightmare. Back before the destruction of Celes he would have them nightly, so he would hide his face in a pillow as he slept to muffle any noises he’d unwittingly make. After Celes, after Nihon and after everything with Kurogane, he continued to have dreams for a little while, but he stopped hiding. He let his voice be heard when he wanted to cry out in fear, because now there was someone beside him, warm arms to wrap around him to soothe his terror and lull him back to sleep.

And, with time and healing, the nightmares happened less and less frequently, until he no longer feared falling asleep. Until now, that is.

He’d felt the blood before he saw it, hot against his skin and sweet like wine on his lips. He dragged his stained fingers across his face, spreading it more like he was trying to bathe in it, licked at his hand. He felt his lips pull into a smile, content and happy, warm as his other hand cradled a heavy head and stroked thick hair. He looked down at the person in his arms, saw Kurogane’s face and glassy crimson eyes looking back at him though they were unable to see anymore, his long tanned neck slashed open by Fai’s own claws.

Fai gasped when he woke, his body jerking like he’d been electrocuted. He felt cold as he stared up at the ceiling and he realized it was because there was a layer of sweat covering his skin, chilled from the night air flowing in from the open veranda door. He turned his head to look at the man next to him, then sat up to check just to ease his own worry. Kurogane was sleeping soundly, no blood in sight.

Fai sighed and slumped his shoulders as he sat beside his sleeping partner. He looked down at his palms, turned his hands over to eye his fingernails, short and blunt. The vampire blood still ran through his veins, lying dormant under the powerful magic that had been returned to him. He wasn’t even sure if he could still use his vampiric powers and he had no desire to find out. Though he would always mourn the manner in which his magic was given back to him, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t happy the vampire—the monster—had been suppressed.

Although sometimes, though he had never and would never admit it, he did have… cravings. He missed the taste of Kurogane’s blood, rich and smoky and more delicious than anything he’d ever tasted in his life, but he pushed those temptations to the deepest parts of his heart and mind. He’d taken enough from Kurogane as it was, he never wanted to have another drop of his blood again.

Fai sighed again and stood. He didn’t feel tired, and sitting on their futon in the dark wasn’t helping to ease his worrisome thoughts. He padded quietly across the tatami floor until he reached the veranda, stepped through the open door and sat on the wooden deck. He and Kurogane often spent their evenings there, drinking wine, chatting, sometimes eating meals if the weather was good. It was probably his favorite place in all of Nihon, a private place just for the two of them, bathed in the cool light of the moon or warm sunshine.

He leaned his weight back on one hand and looked up at the stars above. He tried to put the nightmare out of his mind by thinking of other things; he made a list of things he’d have to do the next day, thought of Syaoran and Sakura and Mokona and the fact that he really should give them a call soon. As he wondered if he would be able to sneak a bottle of wine from their stash without waking Kurogane, he felt a soft knock against the side of his head and when he looked up, he saw Kurogane standing above him, wine in hand with two small cups. Fai often wondered if this man was a mindreader.

Fai smiled sheepishly and Kurogane sat beside him. “Kuro-sama,” He breathed as the large man rested one arm across his pulled up knee and opened the wine. “Did I wake you?”

“Nope,” Kurogane responded. He regarded Fai for a moment, then returned his attention to the glasses so he wouldn’t spill as he poured. “I woke up and you weren’t there.”

“I haven’t been gone that long though,” Fai said, incredulous. “I’m sorry if I—”

“You didn’t. I tend to wake up pretty quick when you leave,” Kurogane murmured under his breath.

Fai’s chest got tight at the subtle expression of love. Kurogane couldn’t sleep without Fai beside him, a fact Fai knew deep down from the many mornings Kurogane woke up only minutes after Fai would leave their futon, though he would always love hearing Kurogane confirm it himself.

“Why are you out here?” Kurogane asked as he handed Fai his glass.

“I…” Fai swallowed and looked down at his drink. “I had a nightmare.”

“About your brother?” Kurogane asked, and Fai shook his head. Kurogane took a sip of his wine, the moment bathed in silence as he slowly savored and swallowed. “Wanna talk about it?”

Fai thought about it for a moment. Involuntarily, he saw the same horrific scene from the dream—Kurogane, dead in his arms by his own hand, the blood burning like hellfire. His heart jumped to his throat and he shook his head again, unable to speak.

Kurogane was an understanding man, though—he always had been—and did not pressure Fai to talk. He just nodded his chin towards Fai, gesturing for him to drink his wine. Fai did as instructed and took a sip. He sighed as he swallowed the wine and felt it soothe the tension in his body as it settled warm in his stomach.

“You should go back to sleep,” Fai said after a bit of time and a few more sips. “You have a long day tomorrow. Don’t you have to be up early?”

“I’ll be fine,” Kurogane said with a nonchalant shrug. “Can’t let the wine go to waste now that it’s open.”

“You say that like I couldn’t drink it all myself,” Fai said, laughing quietly as he finished the rest of his cup and held it out for more.

“Like hell I’d let you keep it to yourself,” Kurogane teased as he poured Fai’s glass.

Fai laughed again, the weight on his chest lifting little by little just by this time spent next to Kurogane. They sat in silence for a while longer, both looking up at the stars as they drank, until Kurogane moved the bottle of wine that sat between them without a word. Fai smiled and took the silent invitation to scoot closer to Kurogane so he could lean against him. 

Kurogane’s arm wrapped around Fai, the arm with bones made of metal and covered with synthetic skin. Fai lifted his hand and toyed with the fingers of Kurogane’s prosthetic arm hanging in front of his chest, turned the silver ring that Kurogane wore on that hand. The artificial skin Tomoyo in Piffle had created was getting better with each update, to the point where it was now difficult to tell the difference between it and real skin.

Of course, Fai knew. Fai knew Kurogane’s body probably better than he knew his own at this point. He knew that Kurogane’s skin was rougher, calloused and scarred from battles, tanned from the sun. The artificial skin was like a baby’s, soft and new, unfitting for a warrior such as Kurogane.

The prosthetic fingers curled around Fai’s. Right, the feeling of touch was getting better, as well. Back when he got his first arm, Kurogane probably wouldn’t have been able to feel Fai playing with his fingers. It was just one of the many things that had changed as time went on.

“Kuro-sama,” Fai said suddenly as he twined their fingers together loosely.

“Mn,” Was Kurogane’s grunt of a response.

“I love you,” Fai told him.

“Mn.”

“Is that your way of saying you love me, too?”

“...Mn.”

Fai laughed quietly and leaned some more of his weight into Kurogane’s side, causing the two of them to sway a bit. “You’re talkative tonight. Are you ill?” He teased.

Kurogane shrugged his shoulder, sending Fai’s head bobbing. “Seems like you’re in a better mood,” He said instead of answering the question.

“Well, Kuro-sama has that effect on me,” Fai said in a coy voice.

“...Finish your wine,” Was all Kurogane said in response.

Fai laughed and did as he was told, downing the glass in one swift gulp. Kurogane filled it once more and emptied the rest of the bottle into his own cup. For this last glass, the two of them took their time finishing it. They sipped slowly, savoring both the flavor and the moment, until the edge of the sky began to lighten from black to violet to lavender, signaling the beginning of a new day.

“I guess we should try to get some sleep,” Fai suggested. 

Kurogane nodded in agreement and, leaving their cups and the bottle on the veranda to be cleaned up later, they both moved to stand. Kurogane took Fai’s wrist to help him up, yanking hard enough that Fai stumbled into Kurogane’s broad chest.

“Kuro-sama,” Fai whined, though he did not move from the warm spot. “Don’t you know I’m delicate? You have to treat me gently!”

Kurogane scoffed and shoved Fai towards their futon teasingly. “Sure you are,” Kurogane said as he lied down heavily on the futon, his head cushioned on his hands.

Fai went down a bit more daintily and pulled their thin summer blanket up over the two of them as he settled into his place at Kurogane’s side. He rested his head on Kurogane’s chest, sighed in contentment when Kurogane wrapped an arm around him and settled a large hand over his hip. Fai’s fingers tapped absentmindedly against Kurogane’s chest, the ring on his hand that matched Kurogane’s glinting when it caught the edges of the light of dawn.

As the sun rose, Kurogane dozed off again, but Fai’s eyes remained open. He stared down the length of Kurogane’s body and out the veranda door, watched the sky lighten further and further, unsure if he was simply unable to sleep because he wasn’t tired, or if he was just too frightened to see what nightmare his mind would torture him with next.

“Fai? Fai!”

He jumped a bit in surprise at his name being called and lifted his head from where it was resting in his hand. He’d zoned out, and Tomoyo was sat across from him looking rather worried, her thin brows pinched into a deep frown.

“Is something wrong?” She asked him while tilting her head, the beautiful charms adorning her hair chiming as they clinked together. “Is the tea not to your liking?”

Fai shook his head and, to prove her point wrong, quickly took a sip of his tea that was now lukewarm. “No, no, it’s delicious, Tomoyo-chan!” He said with a smile and a wave of his hand. “Sorry about that, I just got lost in thought.”

Tomoyo didn’t look convinced or satisfied by his response. “You seem unwell… are you sure you’re alright? You look very tired.”

Fai lowered his eyes to look at the table between them. “I didn’t sleep well last night,” He admitted quietly, not a complete lie but not the whole truth, either. The last couple of weeks, he’d been woken up every night with another one of his horrifying nightmares, all slightly different but with the same recurring theme—Kurogane dead by Fai’s hand, and Fai seeming almost… content by it.

Fai shuddered involuntarily as he remembered the dream from last night—

—slashed and limp wrists that poured more blood then seemed possible, the sweet taste of it—

—and took another sip of tea to distract himself. Tomoyo’s eyes scanned his face, seeing something he probably was unaware of—that seemed to be a special power she possessed. “Would you like to return to your room for the day?” She asked. “You could take a nap.”

“No, I’m fine!” Fai said with as much energy and excitement as he could muster. “I don’t want to cut our tea date short!”

Tomoyo offered him a small smile, probably out of pity. “Okay… If you say so,” She agreed. “But please go back to bed after this, okay?”

“I promise I will,” Fai assured her.

By the time Kurogane returned to their room, Fai was already sitting on the veranda with two bottles of wine beside him, one emptied and one freshly opened.

“You got a head start,” Kurogane commented as he grabbed a glass for himself and sat beside Fai.

“Well, Tomoyo-chan was worried I looked tired and forced me to come back here when we finished our tea,” Fai explained to him as he poured Kurogane a glass. “And there wasn’t much else to do, so...”

“You do look tired,” Kurogane told him.

Fai hung his head with a sigh. “Not you too, Kuro-tan.”

Kurogane shook his head and took a sip of his wine. “Did you take a nap?”

“No, and I don’t need to,” Fai insisted. “I’m fine—really!”

Kurogane narrowed his eyes at Fai. “You’ve been waking up in the middle of the night every day this week,” He said. “Obviously, you’re not fine.”

“It’s just—stupid nightmares,” Fai waved him off and finished his glass in one shot. “It doesn’t mean anything’s wrong.”

“But you know it’s okay to get some rest if you need it,” Kurogane told him as he poured Fai another glass. “No one’s gonna get mad or something if you wanna sleep.”

“Yes, yes, I know, Kuro-daddy,” Fai said with a sidelong glance and a catty smile. He placed his hand at the back of Kurogane’s neck and brushed through the short strands of hair there, the way he knew Kurogane liked. “Hey, Kuro-sama.”

Before Kurogane could respond, Fai’s hand was turning his head and pulling him down for a kiss. Kurogane reciprocated without hesitation—a feeling Fai loved probably more than anything—but when Fai pulled back, he looked down at him with an arched brow raised in question at the sudden display of affection.

Fai smiled and set his glass down, out of the way. “This makes me feel better,” He told Kurogane.

“Of course it does,” Kurogane rolled his eyes, but followed suit and also put his glass to the side so Fai could slide close up to him and bring their lips together again.

Fai’s eyes fluttered shut as Kurogane kissed him and he sighed into Kurogane’s mouth when large hands settled on his waist and slid around to span the expanse of his back. He pulled Fai closer and Fai went without any hesitation, knowing without shame that he’d go wherever Kurogane took him. Their mouths were open against each other and though Kurogane maintained a quiet composure, Fai didn’t miss the way his hands gripped the fabric of his yukata so tight he could hear thin thread snapping under the pressure.

Fai’s hands cupped around the sides of Kurogane’s neck, so his fingers were tickled by Kurogane’s baby hairs. And then—

He thought of red, felt something hot and slick and sickeningly familiar pouring over his hands, Kurogane’s stuttering heartbeat under his fingers and heard his choking, dying breath—

Fai pulled back with a gasp and yanked his hands away from Kurogane’s neck. “You okay?” Kurogane asked, his hands loosening their grip on Fai’s clothes so he could rub Fai’s back soothingly.

“Huh?” Fai blinked at Kurogane’s neck—unharmed and clean of any blood—and then lifted his eyes to meet Kurogane’s. “Oh, y-yeah! Sorry, just thought I heard—”

“Oi, mage,” Kurogane interrupted. His brows furrowed and his warm eyes narrowed as he regarded Fai, his red irises flicking back and forth as he looked between Fai’s eyes. His lips parted as he slowly asked, “Are you… thirsty?”

Fai’s brows shot up in surprise at the question and he tentatively shook his head. “N-No…? Do you want more wine or something? Because—”

“Your eyes,” Kurogane said quietly, one hand coming to cup Fai’s cheek, his thumb stroking just under Fai’s left eye.

Gold, shimmering eyes widened and Fai felt—

He slapped a hand over his mouth and accidentally knocked over his glass of wine as he quickly jerked back from Kurogane and stumbled to his feet. “S-Sorry, I just have to—restroom.”

Fai dashed back into their room and out the door without further explanation. He ran down the halls of Shirasagi castle with his hand still covering his lips and his eyes cast down, turning corners until he reached a side door that led to the lush garden of the palace. His footsteps faltered as he walked between the fragrant flowers and bushes, and he only stopped when he found a tree trunk to lean against.

His fingers trembled as his hand hovered over his mouth, where he felt the sharp points of his lengthening canines biting into his lower lip. He pinched his eyes shut and pressed his hand hard over his mouth, like he could force the monster down, back into whatever crevice within him it had been hiding.

“Go away,” He pleaded to himself as his thoughts went sideways and into a place he despised—

Salty and sweet flesh in his mouth, blood spilling over his lips but it wasn’t enough, so he gave a sharp pull and felt warmth like a blanket spread over him as flesh, tendons, and arteries tear and—

“No,” He begged again. “Go away, go away...”

After a few long, shuddering breaths, he dragged his feet over to a nearby bench. He sat with his elbows on his knees and his head hung limp in exhaustion and defeat. His nightmares were bleeding into the waking hours, twisting his mind inside out, and why? He didn’t feel hungry or weak, he didn’t need to drink Kurogane’s blood, but… he felt a craving deep in his bones, different than any one he had felt before. He feared it was insatiable, that if Kurogane so much as got a paper cut, Fai was scared he wouldn’t be able to control himself.

Fai buried his face in his hands and tried to calm himself with deep breaths. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to expose Kurogane to this. Even though he knew that Kurogane would be the one person to understand, that he would willingly break his own skin just to satisfy an unnecessary craving for Fai… no. That was his biggest fear that tortured him night and day. He couldn’t.

“There you are.”

Fai swallowed and lifted his head, but kept his face turned away from Kurogane as he walked closer. A rough hand—Kurogane’s real hand—gently touched his cheek to turn his head back. Fai kept his eyes downturned and ran his tongue over his teeth; his canines felt back to normal now.

“You don’t gotta worry,” Kurogane murmured as he sat beside Fai. “They’re blue again.”

Fai nodded, but he still didn’t look at Kurogane. Kurogane pulled his hand from Fai’s cheek, allowing Fai to turn away slightly, his hands grasping the edge of the bench and his slim shoulders raised and tense. Kurogane looked him over, then leaned back on one hand with a sigh, relaxed and open.

“It’s okay, y’know,” He said quietly. “If you need to—”

“I don’t,” Fai interjected, his voice dripping with bitterness. “I don’t… need anything.”

“Well, even if you don’t need it,” Kurogane said with a shrug. “If you want it, you can have it. It’s okay.”

“I don’t want it!” Fai cried in a hoarse voice. He swallowed and curled into himself a bit more. “I don’t need or want anything, I just—” He took a quivering breath. “I thought… when I got my magic back, it would…”

Disappear.

Kurogane nodded, and Fai felt a warm hand cover his own on the bench. He didn’t notice it was shaking until then. “Yeah, I know,” Kurogane told him. “But it’s still okay if it’s not what we thought. I mean… I don’t hate if it’s stickin’ around. It kept you alive, it’s worth something.”

Kurogane shrugged like the topic was a light one, but Fai could hear the weight in his words. Regardless of how Fai had ever felt about it, the vampire blood Kurogane had forced down his throat all that time ago had saved his life. Fai knew that Kurogane would never regret that decision, no matter what the cost was.

“Feeling like you wanna go to bed now?” Kurogane asked. “You look like you need it.”

Fai nodded and his shoulders slumped. “Sorry for running off,” He said quietly. “I must have worried you.”

“Nah, I knew you wouldn’t go far,” Kurogane told him as he took Fai’s hand in his own and stood up, pulling Fai up with him.

Fai followed numbly behind Kurogane back to their room. He felt much more exhausted than he did before, and even though he was worried of another possible nightmare, all he wanted was to shut his eyes and forget the world existed for a few hours. Kurogane helped him with that by lying him down in bed, snuffing out the lamp and lying close beside him. 

Fai didn’t cuddle up to Kurogane’s side as he usually did. He instead lied on his back and stared up at the ceiling. Beside him, Kurogane shifted a few times to find a comfortable position, keeping the distance he could see Fai wanted between them, and then eventually stilled as he fell asleep.

With a sigh, Fai shut his eyes and tried to turn his mind turn off.

Kurogane stood in front of him. They stood so close, Fai could feel the warmth of Kurogane’s body against his bare skin. 

“Do it,” Kurogane said in that low, rich voice of his. Fai looked down at his hand, where sharpened, deadly claws extended from his fingertips. Kurogane continued, “Take it. I want you to.”

Fai swallowed, his throat suddenly dry, and then slashed his claws across Kurogane’s neck. The skin opened easily, offered no resistance, and immediately, blood splattered across Fai’s face and his entire body and poured down Kurogane’s chest, dripped from pale, slack lips. Kurogane’s knees buckled and his body dropped, but Fai caught him before he could hit the ground, cradled Kurogane’s twitching body close as the flow of blood steadily slowed.

“Kuro-sama,” Fai whispered as his hands swept across Kurogane’s chest and the pooling, searing hot blood there. He could feel a smile pulling at his lips. “My Kuro-sama…”

“Oi, Fai!”

“No!!!” Fai thrashed his head back and forth and tried to pull his hands free from whatever was restricting them. He wanted to get away from that image, but it was tattooed in his mind and he felt unable to open his eyes to free himself from it. “No, no, no!”

The hands grasping his wrists tightened and pressed his hands to the floor to still him. He twisted his body and, somehow, his hand slipped free and he swung. He felt his nail catch on something, and at the first drop of blood his eyes shot open, gold and glittering.

Kurogane was above him, holding him down. Across his jawline was a small cut, just a scratch but deep enough to draw blood. Fai looked at his hand, at his blunt fingernails—not vampiric claws—and saw a bit of blood smeared across them. He turned his head away, his hair falling over yellow, vampiric eyes, and swallowed.

“You can let me go,” He whispered.

“No, I can’t,” Kurogane responded through clenched teeth. “Not until you finally tell me what the hell’s been going on.”

Fai’s lips pressed into a hard line and he stayed silent. He didn’t want to have this discussion. He didn’t want to admit to Kurogane or to himself what he’d been dreaming like they were strange, twisted fantasies.

“Mage,” Kurogane said lowly. “Tell me what nightmares you’ve been having that are so bad you haven’t been able to sleep for weeks. Let me help you.”

“I don’t want your help,” Fai hissed. He clenched his trembling hands into tight fists and felt the bite of his nails against his palms. Were they growing sharper? “I never asked for your help. I never asked you to save me!”

Finally, Fai turned his glowing eyes to Kurogane. He felt odd—angry, furious that this was happening.  He never wanted this. He never wanted to be this. There was something else, too, something bubbling deep within him, something towards Kurogane, his prey that was pinning him down as if he were the predator. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

Kurogane looked unphased by Fai’s sudden outburst. “You didn’t have to,” He said with narrowed eyes.

“So then why?” Fai asked, his attention focused on the scratch on Kurogane’s jaw. “You keep hurting yourself or allowing yourself to be hurt, and for what?"

“You still gotta ask?” Kurogane scoffed. “I still haven’t gotten it through your thick skull by now?”

In an instant, Fai flipped their positions. Kurogane slammed onto his back with a grunt and Fai’s hand pressed against his chest, holding him down with such pressure, it was hard for Kurogane to breathe and he couldn’t move against it, though Fai looked as though he was putting no effort into it at all. So, his vampiric powers and strength were all still there.

“You made me like this,” Fai said in a whisper-quiet voice. The sight of Kurogane was blurred for some reason—tears? Was he crying?

Fai was off of Kurogane and out of the room faster than the human eye could catch. Kurogane sat up with a hand pressed to his aching chest and looked out the open door to their bedroom where Fai had disappeared. He had the urge to chase after Fai and figure out what had him acting so… strange.

But, Kurogane told himself, Fai obviously did not want to be found right now. He cursed and pressed the sleeve of his yukata to his bleeding chin as he stood to go sit on the veranda until the idiot came back or the sun rose, whichever came first. Perhaps he should go after him, he thought, but he also felt that Fai needed some time alone. Everyone did, from time to time, though he couldn't help but worry that he was making the wrong choice by allowing Fai his space right now.

He knew how Fai was feeling. He knew that, even though Fai had accepted his life and the vampire blood that had sustained it for so long, Fai never wanted to be a vampire. Even if he had not had the other problems plaguing him—his brother and Ashura and Fei Wang Reed—Kurogane knew Fai would have rather exhausted any other option than willingly turn into a vampire. 

And Kurogane understood. It was easy enough to say that it was worth it to keep Fai alive, but if the roles were reversed, he wasn’t sure how happy he’d feel about being turned into a demon himself. And while he never regretted any action he took to keep Fai alive and with him, he could still feel guilty over what he had imposed on Fai despite what Fai had wanted.

Kurogane lifted his left hand to the sky, so it was silhouetted by the light of the moon, and eyed the silver ring he wore, the matching pair to Fai’s. They’d never officially gotten married or had a ceremony—Kurogane supposed neither of them ever really thought it necessary. They hadn’t even had a conversation or real love confession to begin their relationship. Kurogane woke up in Nihon after sacrificing his arm in Celes, and after that night spent talking with Fai, fixing all that had gone wrong, they just… were.

Maybe, Kurogane thought, he’d ask Fai if he wanted to have a wedding ceremony. Even if it wasn’t entirely necessary, it would be nice to make things official after so many years.

But Fai didn’t return to their room that night or by the next morning when Kurogane had to leave to begin his rounds. He surveyed the castle grounds but couldn’t find him anywhere.

“Princess,” Kurogane said as he strolled into the room while Tomoyo was having her afternoon tea. As expected, Fai wasn’t with her. “You seen the mage anywhere?”

Tomoyo looked up at Kurogane and frowned while shaking her head. “No, I’m afraid I haven’t. We were going to have tea, but…” She looked sadly at the empty cup across from her. She gestured to Kurogane. “Why don’t you join me instead? I have a feeling there’s a bit you want to discuss.”

“Ah, man…” Kurogane rubbed the back of his neck but did as she asked. He removed his cloak and folded it on the floor beside him, sat cross-legged on the mat and held his cup up for Tomoyo to pour him some tea.

“So…” She said as Kurogane took a sip. “You can’t find Fai?”

Kurogane set his cup down and shook his head. “Idiot ran out last night after we got into a—” He cleared his throat. “Something’s wrong with him. You noticed, right?”

Tomoyo nodded solemnly. “He seems very distracted. I think there is something weighing heavily on his mind.”

“He’s been having these nightmares,” Kurogane told her. “But he won’t tell me what they’re about. And he’s… ah, well. He probably wouldn’t want me to tell you.”

Kurogane frowned. Even for as intuitive as Tomoyo was, and for as close as she and Fai had become, Kurogane knew it wasn’t his place to share Fai’s deepest and most tumultuous emotions with her. Tomoyo nodded though, like she at least had an inkling of an idea of what the problem was.

“Whatever he’s been having nightmares about, it’s bringing up some stuff that’s… upsetting him,” Kurogane told her. “Stuff from the past that I thought was over with.”

“Sometimes, our pasts can cut into our hearts like knives,” She said quietly. “But Fai is strong, and he has you by his side. It still worries me that he’s missing, though…”

“He’ll be fine,” Kurogane said. “He’s stronger than anyone or anything in this whole country, and he wouldn’t…”

Tomoyo’s frown deepened and Kurogane swallowed. No matter how far they’d both come and no matter how much they’d helped and saved each other, the desire that Fai had carried for most of his life, his wish to die, it still frightened Kurogane. He knew that Fai wouldn’t give up his life, Fai assured him of that himself, but…

“He will be fine,” Tomoyo asserted. “Physically, that is. But if there is a pain in his heart… It can be harder to heal.”

“I’ll make sure it doesn’t get too bad then,” Kurogane nodded. “I gotta go. Still got a job to do.”

Tomoyo smiled and nodded. “Thank you for joining me. And good luck. He’ll return in due time.”

Kurogane offered her a small smile in thanks as he stood and then turned to walk out of the grand room with his cloak hung over his arm. He continued his rounds for the rest of the day, making sure to keep an eye out for bright blond hair, but he never saw it. When he returned to their room that evening for dinner, Fai still was nowhere to be seen.

Kurogane was beginning to worry more now. However, he knew that Fai hadn’t left Nihon—he would have felt his magic if he had. And he knew Fai was alive. He wasn’t entirely sure how he knew, something about being his prey, but there was a connection there, like a string between their hearts. Even when they weren’t together, Kurogane could still feel Fai’s beating.

Kurogane managed to eat half of his dinner through his worry and downed two and a half bottles of wine on his own. He stayed up late, but Fai still didn’t appear. He decided to get some sleep, just a few hours since he hadn’t gotten any the night before, and if Fai still was not back when he woke, he’d go look for him.

But Kurogane didn’t need to go look, because just a couple of hours later, he was woken from his light slumber by a hand stroking his hair. He blinked his eyes open and saw Fai’s blue eyes looking down at him, reflecting the cold light of the moon, the hair falling over them shining silver in a way that made the mage look like he was made from stardust. Kurogane sat up at once and Fai smiled remorsefully at him.

“Sorry,” Fai whispered. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Kurogane shook his head and frowned at the man kneeling in front of him. “You okay?”

Fai nodded once. He bit into his lower lip and whispered, “...I’m sorry.”

“What’re you apologizing for, you idiot?” Kurogane asked with a soft voice, the worry that had been pressing down on him lifting.

“For… everything.” Fai’s fingers ghosted along the inside of Kurogane’s left wrist, where ugly scars had once marred the skin there before he cut the arm off. “I don’t blame you for anything, really, I just... I don’t ever want you to get hurt because of me.”

“I’m not hurting,” Kurogane said while bumping his knuckle softly along Fai’s jaw.

“I know you’re not now,” Fai said with a nod and a gentle smile. “But let me apologize anyway.”

Kurogane took the hand tracing along his wrist. “Wanna drink? Or talk, or…?”

Fai laughed quietly and shook his head. “No, I think maybe we should just sleep.”

“You’ll be okay?” Kurogane asked as he moved over on the futon so Fai could easily lie down next to him without having to get up. 

Fai took Kurogane’s warm spot and nodded. “I think so,” He whispered.

As they lied down together, Fai rolled onto his side and curled up close next to Kurogane. He put his hand over Kurogane’s chest, and Kurogane took that hand in his own. Fai tightened his hold on Kurogane, his fingers trembling slightly, so Kurogane rubbed his thumb over the back of Fai’s knuckles to soothe him.

With Fai once again at his side where he was meant to be, Kurogane easily fell back asleep. There was still a remnant of his concern lingering, worry for what had Fai acting so strangely, but that could wait until they woke. He slept deep and dreamlessly, and didn’t stir until early morning, when he felt Fai move at his side, no doubt getting up so he could get ready for the day. He didn’t bother getting up himself, he didn’t have an early shift, so he just rolled onto his back and let himself begin to doze back off as he heard Fai pad around the room. He had half a mind to tell the mage to get the hell back in bed but he was already drifting off before he could.

But then his eyes snapped open and he sat up when he felt the surge of Fai’s powerful magic. Just in front of him, in the small grassy area outside their veranda, Fai stood in the middle of a magic circle that glowed and hummed as something like water rose up around him. Kurogane recognized that magic.

“Oi!” Kurogane yelled as he scrambled to his feet. “Mage! What’re you—?!”

Fai turned his head and looked at Kurogane over his shoulder, one last look before he turned away and bowed his head without a word.

“Fai!!! ” Kurogane ran towards Fai, his arm outstretched to pull him away from the transporting magic, but it was too quick. 

Kurogane’s hand grasped around nothing as the magic swallowed Fai whole and disappeared, whisking him out of Nihon and away from Kurogane.

Snow was piling up undisturbed in Nihon, peaceful and quiet. Or it was , until a familiar magic circle appeared in the air and dropped a boy and a bun into fluffy white. Kurogane sighed from his spot leaning against the open veranda door. At least the snow could cushion their fall a bit.

“Oi, kid. How long are you gonna lie there?” Kurogane called.

Syaoran’s head popped out of the snow and his face split with a grin. “Kurogane-san!!” He cried happily.

“Woohoo!” Mokona cheered as she hopped from Syaoran’s shoulder. She had meant to hop to Kurogane, but she instead disappeared into the deep snow almost comically. She gave a few muffled cries before Syaoran stuck his arm into the cold to pull her out by the ears. Mokona grinned happily. “Kuro-chan!”

Syaoran waded across the deep snow. “W-We’re so happy t-to see you!” He said, his teeth already chattering from the cold that his clothes were not equipped to handle.

Kurogane rolled his eyes and stood up to offer Syaoran a hand and help him up onto the veranda. “C’mon, get inside and change before you both freeze to death.”

Mokona spat out a padded winter yukata she stored for Syaoran and Kurogane got some towels to help them dry off. Mokona rolled around happily in a towel as Syaoran changed into his yukata, though as he tied the sash around his waist, he looked around the room.

“Um… Where is Fai-san?” Syaoran asked. He jumped when Kurogane slammed the lid of his trunk down and watched as the older man walked silently back to the veranda with a bottle of sake and three cups. Syaoan and Mokona shared a look, and Syaoran braved asking, “Kurogane-san…?”

“He’s gone,” Kurogane said simply as he uncorked the bottle and poured three glasses. “Come on, the sake will warm you up.”

“Gone?!” Mokona cried as she hopped over to him. “What does Kurogane mean?”

“Exactly what I said,” Kurogane said over the rim of his glass he was already drinking from.

Syaoran sat beside Kurogane and picked his glass up, but he didn’t drink. “You mean like… he went on a vacation or something?”

“Nope,” Kurogane answered.

Syaoran and Mokona shared another look. Mokona hopped onto Kurogane’s knee, her ears drooped. “Where is Fai, then?” She asked.

“Dunno,” Kurogane said.

Syaoran frowned and leaned towards Kurogane. “But Kurogane-san, what—”

“He’s just gone, okay?” Kurogane said irritably, shutting his eyes as a vein popped out in his forehead. “He left Nihon while I was asleep without a word. Months ago.”

Syaoran ducked his head and looked down at the wood of the veranda. “And you… didn’t try to go after him?”

“Why would I?” Kurogane murmured.

“Because! Fai is Kurogane’s precious person!” Mokona jumped up and down on Kurogane’s knee while flapping her paws. “Kurogane can’t let Fai run off!”

“Look, I’ve tried since I met the idiot to get him to just—stay,” Kurogane told her. Stay alive, stay with him, just stay . “Seems pretty clear that no matter how hard I try, he doesn’t want to. I’m not gonna waste any more of my time trying to get him to understand.”

“Kurogane-san, you have to!” Syaoran said, his eyes hardened and suddenly determined. “Fai-san has always been kind of… well, you know. But you can’t just give up on him! You have to at least try!”

Kurogane sighed. “I have tried, kid—”

“Then try one more time!” Syaoran insisted. “I know you don’t want to lose him. You have to try to talk to him just one more time, and if he still doesn’t want to stay after that, then…”

“Yeah, yeah!” Mokona cried as she hopped to Kurogane’s shoulder. “Kurogane can’t let Fai go!”

“How would I even find him?” Kurogane asked, raising a brow. “I don’t know where he went.”

“Now that Mokona is here, Kurogane can ask Watanuki!” Mokona grinned. “He can tell you anything you need to know!”

“That’s right,” Syaoran smiled. “And we’ll pay whatever price to go with you. If you want us to, I mean.”

“Geez…” Kurogane groaned and scratched the back of his head. Of course he wanted to find Fai, if for no other reason than to just find out why . But he was worried—scared, even, of what he would hear. “I guess… I do wanna give him a good smack for causing me all this trouble.”

“Kuro-daddy is so violent!” Mokona teased.

In front of him, Syaoran offered a supportive smile. “Should we call Kimihiro in the morning, then?”

Kurogane nodded. “Fine,” He murmured. “Now drink your sake. I’m not letting you waste it.”

“Oh, y-yes!” Syaoran flushed and lifted his glass to his lips. He threw it back in one gulp and promptly began coughing and wheezing from the burn of it. 

“Still don’t know how to drink, huh?” Kurogane asked, smiling slightly. It felt good to see Syaoran and Mokona again. He hadn’t realized how much he missed them, but now that he thought of it, it had been a pretty long time since they last saw each other.

When Kurogane and Fai had left Syaoran alone on his travels to settle down in Nihon, they, along with Syaoran and Sakura, had collectively paid the price to Watanuki to give Syaoran a higher chance of landing in Clow and Nihon as he jumped randomly from world to world. Even still, it seemed like he and Mokona didn’t visit Nihon nearly enough. 

“Party, party! Sake party!” Mokona sang as she hopped from Syaoran to Kurogane. She landed on Kurogane’s shoulder again and nuzzled his cheek. “Mokona missed Kuro-chan!”

“Drunk already, manjuu?” Kurogane asked as he lifted a hand to scratch her head.

“Mokona is happy!” Mokona exclaimed while throwing her little paws in the air.

“Me too,” Syaoran said with a nod. “But… I’ll be even happier when we find Fai-san.”

Kurogane nodded and lifted his glass to Syaoran. “Me too, kid.” 

Syaoran clinked his glass against Kurogane’s, and Mokona somehow jumped down and grabbed her own glass in her stubby paws, then managed to leap up and cheer with her glass as well, spilling sake over all three of them. Syaoran laughed as he drank—slowly, this time—and Kurogane grabbed Mokona by the middle to squeeze her like a bun.

It all felt comfortable and familiar, each of them able to fall into their roles as if no time had passed. But the empty space beside Kurogane stretched even wider, and as the night went on, he felt more and more determined by Syaoran and Mokona’s words to find Fai.

“Oh, Kurogane. I was expecting you’d call eventually.”

Watanuki regarded Kurogane through the projection emitted from the gem in Mokona’s forehead. Kurogane frowned at him. “So you already know what I want,” Kurogane said.

“I have an idea, but so we’re both clear, it’s best you tell me,” Watanuki said. His tone mimicked the Witch’s well, Kurogane thought.

“I want to go to wherever Fai is now,” Kurogane told him.

Watanuki was quiet for a moment, and then he somberly shut his eyes. “That is a wish I cannot grant.”

Kurogane’s brows furrowed as Syaoran cried, “What?! Why not?”

“Because,” Watanuki explained slowly. “Fai contacted me and requested that I do not reveal his location to anyone. I… tried to talk him out of it, but he paid the price. I’m bound.”

Syaoran lowered his eyes. “But why would he…?”

“Oh, Fai...” Mokona whimpered.

“What did he pay?” Kurogane asked lowly.

Syaoran and Mokona looked at Kurogane in surprise. “Kurogane-san…?” Syaoran frowned.

“When he made his wish,” Kurogane said to Watanuki. “What did he give you in return?”

“Kurogane, I’m not sure you should...” Watanuki frowned at him through the projection.

Kurogane shook his head. “Just show me.”

Sighing, Watanuki raised his palm with a small flourish and with a flash of magic, a silver ring appeared, suspended in the air as if held up with invisible puppet strings. Kurogane swallowed and clenched his fists tightly, felt the identical ring he wore against the artificial skin of his finger burn like it was on fire.

“So… There’s nothing Kurogane can do?” Mokona asked as tears built up in the corners of her eyes.

“Well, Kurogane could always join you and Syaoran on your travels again,” Watanuki said as he closed his fist, making the ring disappear. “Going from world to world, there is a chance you will run into Fai that way. Though of course, Fai does have the power to leave should you find him…”

“What do I have to pay for it?” Kurogane asked quietly.

“Nothing at all,” Watanuki told him with a small smile. At Kurogane’s narrowed eyes and confused expression, Watanuki stepped out of the way and lifted his hand, gesturing to two things behind him—the fake Ginryuu and the Phoenix tattoo, the prices Kurogane and Fai had paid to Yuuko all that time ago. “Technically, you’ve already paid. The contract never ended.”

“Sounds like a loophole,” Kurogane said as he eyed the sword and the tattoo displayed side by side. The day he gave up that sword and met Fai felt like lifetimes ago. He thought it was odd, back then, when he saw the Phoenix lift from Fai’s back, but now that he saw it again beside the Dragon, he thought it was fitting.

“It’s your choice,” Watanuki said with a shrug.

Kurogane looked over at Syaoran, who gave him a comforting smile. “You’re always welcome,” The boy said.

Kurogane sighed and shook his head. “...I’ll have to talk to Tomoyo about it.”

“Take your time,” Syaoran told him. “We can’t leave until Mokona’s earring glows, anyway.”

“Then, your decision is made?” Watanuki asked.

“Yeah,” Kurogane said, turning back to the image of him. “And take good care of that ring, ‘cause I’m gonna come back for it soon.”

Watanuki smiled and nodded. “I have no doubt.”

Without another word, his image fizzled out and the gem on Mokona’s forehead dimmed. Syaoran, with Mokona in his hands, turned to face Kurogane. “This will be good,” Syaoran said with a nod and smile.

“I sure hope so,” Kurogane murmured as he walked past the boy and the bun. “Gonna go talk to Tomoyo.”

“I’ll be in the library!” Syaoran called with a wave as Kurogane left the room.

Kurogane walked quickly through the halls of the castle until he came to the doors of the throne room. He paused, took a deep breath, and then pushed the doors open. Tomoyo and Amaterasu were inside, sat at a table laid out in the middle of the room with documents between them. Over Amaterasu’s shoulder, Souma stood dutifully.

“Kurogane!” Souma barked in annoyance. “You can’t just—”

Tomoyo held her hand up and smiled serenely at Souma. “It’s okay, Souma. I think there’s a good reason Kurogane has decided to pay us a visit.”

Kurogane nodded and walked deeper into the room, so he was standing just beside the table. He looked between the empress and the princess. “I… have to leave Nihon again,” He told them.

Amaterasu put the paper she was holding down. “Well, of course you do,” She said almost casually. At Kurogane’s incredulous look, she smiled. “It was only a matter of time before you would go after Fai. We all knew the day would come eventually.”

“It’s not that simple,” Kurogane frowned. “I can’t just go get him and bring him back here. The idiot made sure it wouldn’t be that easy, so…”

“You’ll be gone for a while,” Tomoyo finished for him. “Searching for him.”

“That’s right,” Kurogane nodded at her. She was still smiling, but there was melancholy lingering in her eyes.

“Very well,” Amaterasu said sternly. “We’ll be waiting here for your safe return, just as we did before.”

“...Thanks,” Kurogane murmured.

“And Kurogane,” Tomoyo said. “Make sure he comes back in one piece, okay?”

Kurogane snorted. “Wouldn’t have it any other way, as long as he’s not being dumb about it.”

“Good luck,” Souma said in a voice much gentler than before.

“When will you be off?” Amaterasu asked.

“Dunno,” Kurogane told her. “The timing is random.”

“We’ll miss you, Kurogane,” Tomoyo said. She pushed herself back from the table, and Kurogane knew she probably wanted to get up to give him a hug, but after glancing at her sister and Souma, she restrained herself.

Kurogane nodded at her. “Yeah… Me too,” He said quietly. “But hopefully it won’t take too long.”

“Hopefully,” Tomoyo repeated.

“Get going, then,” Amaterasu smiled at him. “Make sure you’re all packed before you’re pulled away.”

Kurogane nodded and, with a respectful bow of his head, turned and strode out of the room. It wasn’t like it was forever, and it was worth it to find Fai. He’d return with Fai by his side, return to where he—they—were meant to be.

Kurogane had forgotten how uncomfortable traveling between worlds was. And even worse, he forgot how awful Mokona was at landing them in a new world comfortably.

Kurogane’s back slammed into hard concrete, knocking the wind out of him, and then Syaoran landed on top of him with a grunt. Immediately Syaoran scrambled off of him and apologized approximately a hundred times while bowing his head.

“Stop apologizing,” Kurogane said as he sat up slowly while rubbing his back. He was losing his edge, he thought as his back spasmed in pain. He grabbed Mokona, who was trying to hide in Syaoran’s collar, and glared down at her while squeezing her tight. “Not your fault the manjuu can’t land us properly.”

“Eek! Mokona will pop! Mokona will pop!” Mokona cried as Kurogane squeezed her little body even harder.

“Well, what a happy surprise.”

Kurogane, Syaoran, and Mokona all looked up and saw Tomoyo standing in front of them with a wide smile on her face. This wasn’t Kurogane’s Tomoyo that he had just left behind though, this was Tomoyo Daidouji of Piffle. Even without seeing the technologically advanced city bustling around them, Kurogane would recognize her.

Tomoyo snatched Mokona out of Kurogane’s hand and held her close, nuzzling their cheeks together. “Kurogane, what are you doing to poor Mokona?”

“Kuro-chan was bullying me!” Mokona lamented with fake tears in her eyes.

“I am going to boil you into a soup,” Kurogane threatened lowly with a menacing smile at Mokona.

Tomoyo turned away and as she did, Mokona stuck her tongue out at Kurogane. Syaoran and Kurogane stood and followed behind Tomoyo as she walked away, flanked on all sides by her bodyguards.

Syaoran came up beside Tomoyo and tilted his head towards her. “It’s really nice to see you again!”

“It’s nice to see you too,” Tomoyo told him. “But don’t think I’ll forgive you for visiting without bringing my precious Sakura along.”

Syaoran laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head. “Well, actually… We didn’t plan on visiting. We’re looking for—”

“Fai,” Tomoyo finished for him. She looked at Kurogane over her shoulder. “Right?”

Kurogane narrowed his eyes. “You’ve seen him then?”

“He’s here?!” Syaoran cried.

“No,” Kurogane answered immediately. “He’s not in Piffle.”

Syaoran frowned back at his companion. “But how do you—”

“Kurogane and Fai are connected! Connected!” Mokona exclaimed while jumping up and down in Tomoyo’s hands.

Kurogane looked away from the eyes on him. Mokona was right; whether from Fai’s magic that was infused in his right arm to hold Ginryuu, or from Kurogane’s blood that still flowed in Fai’s veins, there was a connection between the two of them that helped draw them together. He couldn’t explain what it was exactly, all he knew was that there was a feeling in his gut that told him that he wouldn’t find Fai here.

“Kurogane is right,” Tomoyo nodded and faced forward again. As they approached her massive building that seemed to reach all the way to the sky, she smiled and handed Mokona back to Syaoran. “I need to speak with Kurogane privately. We have some delicious food prepared, why don’t you two enjoy it?”

“Oh… Okay,” Syaoran nodded, frowning, but obediently followed behind the guards that led him into the building.

Tomoyo looked at Kurogane and tilted her head. “Shall we?”

Kurogane nodded silently and walked beside her into the lobby of the building. Employees all stopped what they were doing to greet her as she walked through, until they reached an elevator that didn’t open until Tomoyo pressed a keycard to it. She and Kurogane stepped into the elevator but her guards stayed behind.

“What d’you wanna talk about?” Kurogane asked gruffly as the elevator quickly shot them up towards the upper floors.

“Fai did come here,” Tomoyo said quietly, her hands clasped in front of her. “I don’t know how much time passed for you, but for me, it’s been a couple of months since I last saw him.”

“He didn’t happen to say where he was headed?” Kurogane asked.

Tomoyo shook her head. The elevator slowed and the doors eventually opened. Tomoyo led him out of the elevator and down a long, sterile looking hallway. “He just stopped to ask me to make something for you,” She told him.

She opened a door at the end of the hall, to a room with walls that were lined with various prosthetic prototypes. In the center of the room was an arm that Kurogane knew from a glance was met for him, suspended in a long jar and surrounded by a clear liquid. He walked up to it and placed his hand against the glass.

“He stopped here just to ask you to make this?” Kurogane asked quietly.

“So it would seem,” Tomoyo said as she came up beside Kurogane. “He didn’t stay long, only long enough for me to promise him his request would be met. He was very adamant.”

Kurogane scoffed and shook his head. “The one I have now is fine.”

Tomoyo nodded. “He said that too, but he wanted the best for you. He wanted us to find a way to make it as realistic as possible, with a better sense of touch and feeling. And he said the most important thing was to find a way to ensure it would cause you as little pain as possible.”

“Doesn’t hurt that much anymore,” Kurogane mumbled.

“Well, I’d say he wanted to make sure it didn’t hurt at all ,” Tomoyo said with a smile. “We only finished it a little while ago. I was going to have Fuuma bring it to you, but that won't be necessary anymore. So, do you want to try it?”

Kurogane sighed and nodded. He unclasped the cloak around his neck and sat down in the chair Tomoyo pulled up for him while moving the ring from his left hand to his right to keep it safe. With her help, they removed the arm he currently had and carefully attached the new one. He flinched in mild pain when the new arm connected to his nerves, tendon-like cords sinking into his skin and linking the arm to him.

“It will be a bit tender the first couple of days,” Tomoyo told him as she checked over the seam where the prosthetic met his shoulder while tapping at a tablet. “The connection in this arm runs deeper than any other you’ve tried, so it might make your muscles a bit sore. But everything seems okay! It fits perfectly. Why not give it a try?”

Kurogane clenched his left hand into a fist and his eyes widened in surprise. To anyone watching, it probably looked like there was no difference between this arm and the last, but to Kurogane, they were worlds apart. The response time in this arm was immediate, as quick as his flesh and blood one, and the feeling of touch just as clear.

“Feels great,” Kurogane told Tomoyo as he rolled his shoulder and practiced moving his arm. He moved the ring back to his left hand and was pleasantly shocked to be able to feel the cold of the metal against his artificial skin.

“I’m glad,” Tomoyo smiled. She put a hand against Kurogane’s shoulder to get him to stop rolling it. “Just try not to move this area too much for the next twenty-four hours, okay? It needs the time to fully connect.”

Kurogane nodded and stilled his arm as she requested. He looked down at it—it even matched his skin tone perfectly, unlike the previous arms he’d had, that either had no fake skin covering them or always looked a bit ashy.

“Idiot,” He mumbled. “He ran away but decided to make a pitstop to have this made?”

Tomoyo placed her slender hand over Kurogane’s prosthetic arm and smiled comfortingly at him. “I think… No matter what’s going on with him right now, he still cares for you very much. Even if he isn’t there, he wanted to ensure you were as comfortable as possible.”

Kurogane nodded and looked at his left arm. It was no mystery to him that Fai blamed himself for Kurogane losing his arm, even though Kurogane had cut it off himself and had explained to Fai countless times that it was his own choice. And he’d do it again if he had to; it was barely a sacrifice with Tomoyo here to make him prosthetics this realistic. And even when the ones she made for him were less than perfect, even when they caused him lingering aches and pains, it still wasn’t so bad. Fai had been there to massage out any kinks and knots and found ways to distract Kurogane when the pain wasn’t so easily manageable. 

And even if there was nothing they could have done to help it, even if he didn’t have Piffle’s technology to make him a prosthetic and he had to go the rest of his life without a left arm, he still wouldn’t regret it. He’d make the sacrifice a thousand more times if it ensured Fai survived.

“How was he?” Kurogane asked her quietly.

“He was fine, physically speaking,” She said with a nod. “Perfectly healthy. But… He wouldn’t share anything with me, and he tried to act like everything was fine, but I could see that there was something troubling him.”

“Yeah, you can say that again,” Kurogane murmured. “He’d been having these nightmares and they freaked him out… Wish Tomoyo—er, y’know, the other one—was still a dreamseer so she could figure out what the problem is.”

“But wouldn’t that be quite an invasion of privacy?” Tomoyo asked while tilting her head, her long curtain of black hair falling over her shoulder.

“If it helps him…” Kurogane shrugged. He stopped for a moment, thinking. “But… maybe the Princess could help.”

“You mean Sakura?” Tomoyo asked.

Kurogane nodded. “Yeah, she’s a dreamseer, too. And she’s been training her magic since we defeated Reed—I bet she could help me out. Even if she can’t see what he was dreaming, if she could just find him…”

“Come on, then,” Tomoyo said while pulling on Kurogane’s flesh arm. “I have a feeling you need to meet with the others right now.”

“Yeah,” Kurogane grabbed his cloak, and left the room with Tomoyo. She led him back down the elevator and to a large banquet hall on the first floor that was lined with tables of food, though Syaoran and Mokona were the only ones eating.

Mokona was gorging herself while Syaoran sat awkwardly, slowly picking at his food while looking at the security guards that stood silently along the walls. As soon as the door opened and he saw Kurogane, he perked up with a relieved smile. “Kurogane-san!”

“Kid,” Kurogane nodded and strode quickly over to him. “We gotta speak with the Princess.”

“Sakura?” Syaoran asked.

“Come, I’ll lead you to your rooms,” Tomoyo told them. “You can speak with her there!”

Syaoran, Kurogane, and Mokona—who bemoaned having to leave the feast behind—all followed Tomoyo out of the banquet room and back to the elevator. After a short ride up, they got off on a different floor that looked more like a hotel than anywhere else in the building. Tomoyo led them to a set of double doors that opened to a suite as large as a house, with multiple bedrooms and a living area.

“You can stay here until you leave,” Tomoyo said as she led them inside.

Syaoran smiled in gratitude and nodded. “Thank you, really.”

Just then, one of the many bodyguards that occupied the building appeared. She whispered something into Tomoyo’s ear, and the girl smiled apologetically at the group. “You’ll have to excuse me,” She told them as she went to leave the room. “Good luck. I hope you find something that will help you. I’ll be back to have dinner with you!”

Kurogane nodded at her, and then she was out of the room and the door shut behind her. Syaoran turned to look at Kurogane and frowned. “So… You need to talk to Sakura?” He asked.

Kurogane nodded and looked at Mokona pointedly. “She’s a dreamseer,” Kurogane explained as Mokona’s gem began to glow. “She might have been in contact with him, or seen where he was, or… something.”

An oval of light emitted from Mokona’s gem, and then an image of Sakura fizzled into view. For a moment, she was looking at something else, not noticing the connection Mokona had made at first. When she caught sight of them in the enchanted mirror they used to communicate, she turned and smiled at the three of them, not at all seeming surprised that they were together. “Hi everyone,” She said with a candy-sweet smile.

“I told Sakura what happened when we were in Nihon,” Syaoran told Kurogane, looking sheepish like he had shared what was supposed to remain a secret.

Kurogane shook his head at the boy to ease his worries. “It’s fine,” He said before returning his attention back to Sakura. “Think you can help us?”

“I can try,” Sakura nodded. “What do you want me to do?”

“Well, if you can find him in the dream world and get any information out of him, that’d be best,” Kurogane told her. “But before he left, he’d been having these nightmares. He never told me what they were about, but they really shook him up. I think they’re the reason he left. You haven’t seen anything about them, have you?”

Sakura was quiet and contemplative for a moment, and Kurogane thought that she looked much more mature than the last time he’d seen her. “I did see him a couple of times,” She admitted, and Kurogane felt his heart leap to his throat. “But I wasn’t able to reach him. He had closed himself off completely. I couldn’t see what he was dreaming of, either, just that it was… trapping him. He was surrounded by despair, and I couldn’t get to him.”

Kurogane felt something stab him deep in his chest at the image of Fai being tortured by his own mind, completely alone. “So he cut everyone off,” He murmured. “He didn’t contact you at all.”

Sakura shook her head. “Other than what I saw in the dream world, I didn’t think anything was wrong… I thought he was just having nightmares, and then Syaoran told me what happened, and...” She lowered her eyes that were full of sorrow. “I’m sorry, Kurogane-san. I should have tried harder, or contacted him earlier, or…”

“Don’t apologize,” Kurogane told her. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’ve been trying to contact him since I found out. It… hasn’t worked, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll let you know if I hear from him or see anything,” Sakura said with determination. “You’ll find him.”

“We know we will,” Syaoran smiled at her.

Kurogane looked between Syaoran and Sakura, the two kids he’d met that had grown up quite a bit in their time knowing each other. “Thanks for the help,” Kurogane said to Sakura as he began to walk away. “I gotta go talk to Tomoyo about something.”

“Oh, okay,” Syaoran said with a frown. “Should I—?”

“No, stay and keep talking,” Kurogane told him. “You don’t gotta worry about it.”

“Sure…” Syaoran nodded, but he looked very much like he didn’t believe Kurogane.

Kurogane didn’t stay long enough to get questioned, though. He thought the two should get some time alone to talk, and he didn’t want to get in the way of that. The problem now was that he didn’t actually need to see Tomoyo, so when he stepped out of the room, he found himself not knowing what to do. He walked back to the elevator, hit the button, and stepped inside. He pressed one of the top floors and was quickly whizzed up to the top of the building, past the off-limits research areas and to the large dining halls they had parties in, like the one Tomoyo had put on after the race the first time they went to Piffle.

Kurogane wandered a bit until he found a flight of stairs that led to the almost terrifyingly high roof of the building. The edge of the roof was lined with glass so thick, Kurogane figured it would be near impossible to break, and stood about three times taller than Kurogane. 

Kurogane walked to the edge and looked out across the bustling world of Piffle through the glass. The sun was beginning to set on the city, reflecting off of other tall, shiny buildings that stood up like a massive silver forest. 

“Where are you…?” He murmured as he looked down at the people below. He could feel Fai wasn’t in Piffle, he could even feel that Fai was alive, but… that was it. The connection that linked the two of them, whatever it was, it wasn’t enough to lead Kurogane straight to Fai.

He questioned, for a moment, if he should even be here. If he should be looking for a person that so obviously did not want to be found. He’d never left Fai behind before—even when it cost him the freedom of returning to Nihon by binding his blood to the mage, even when it meant cutting through his own muscle and bone, he did whatever he needed to in order to keep the man alive.

But… that was why, wasn’t it? To keep him from dying. Ultimately, Fai was free to go where he pleased, to do what he wanted, even if that didn’t include Kurogane. He’d kept the idiot alive, now what Fai did with his life was up to him.

And if Fai didn’t want to be in Nihon with Kurogane… Kurogane wondered if it was his place to try and change his mind.

Kurogane shook his head. It wasn’t only that—there was something wrong with Fai, something unseen that was torturing him, and Kurogane couldn’t help the worry that Fai would fall victim to the demons in his mind once again. He supposed Fai didn’t need to return to Nihon with him, but he just wanted to know what was wrong, and to help him as he always had, to ensure he was safe. And, Kurogane couldn’t help but think, if they could figure out the problem, maybe they could fix it and Fai would want to return.

That was the hope Kurogane held onto as they jumped from world to world. They spent only one night in Piffle before Mokona’s earring glowed, and from there, they were traveling constantly. It felt like they got barely any time to settle in a new world before they were moving again, like the magic powering Mokona’s earring knew that there was no reason to stay if Fai was not there. Kurogane was grateful for it in a way, even though it was exhausting—in each world they landed in, he could feel immediately that Fai was not there, and there was no reason to waste time in a place that was basically useless to him.

“Are you doing okay?” Syaoran had asked him one night in one of the worlds—Kurogane had lost track of which one it was. “Your arm doesn’t hurt or… anything?”

Kurogane rolled his shoulder and shook his head. “This one doesn’t give me any trouble.”

Syaoran gave him a weak smile and nodded. “That’s good.” He awkwardly wringed his hands together and then vaguely gestured at the bottle of wine Kurogane was hoarding. “Can I join you…?”

“‘Course you can,” Kurogane nodded. “Grab a glass.”

Syaoran grinned and quickly scurried to the kitchen to grab a cup for himself. He returned to Kurogane’s side and sat beside him on the couch, and Kurogane poured him a full glass. “Thanks,” The boy said gratefully. When he took a sip though, Kurogane didn’t miss the way his face scrunched up in a grimace from the taste.

Kurogane snorted and nudged Syaoran’s arm with his elbow. “At least you didn’t spit it out.”

Syaoran smiled sheepishly and nodded. “It’s good, just—strong.”

Kurogane nodded and took a sip as a show that strong alcohol was exactly what he liked. He looked around and quirked up a brow. “Where’s the manjuu?”

“Sleeping,” Syaoran nodded. “I think all the world hopping is tiring Mokona out. We’re traveling more often than usual.”

“Then it’s good she’s getting sleep,” Kurogane nodded with a mild pang of guilt. “She needs it.”

“And… how about you?” Syaoran asked quietly.

Kurogane looked at the boy through the corner of his eye. Well, maybe it wasn’t fair to call Syaoran a boy anymore—he was a man, adulthood creeping up on him far too quickly. But no matter how tall he got, he’d always be a kid to Kurogane. “What d’you mean?” He asked.

“Well, you…” Syaoran cleared his throat and looked at the glass cupped in both of his hands. “I just noticed that you don’t seem to be sleeping very well.”

Kurogane looked ahead at the blank wall in front of them and slowly lifted his glass to his lips to pause the moment with a long drink. “I’ve never been a deep sleeper,” He said nonchalantly.

“I know that,” Syaoran said while looking at the man. “It just seems a little… different lately.”

Kurogane thought about coming up with an excuse or a lie, but for everything Syaoran was doing to help him, with how much he cared, it didn’t feel right to keep the truth from him. “Guess I haven’t slept well since he left,” Kurogane murmured lowly.

Syaoran’s eyes widened and his lips parted slightly in surprise at the confession. He looked away from Kurogane, skirted his gaze somewhere to the other side like it could give Kurogane a moment of privacy or something. “...Sorry.”

“Not your fault,” Kurogane shrugged. It was his for being so dependent on Fai. He wasn’t even sure when it had happened, when he had gotten so used to Fai’s warmth beside him that he couldn’t sleep without it, but that was just how he was now. And after Fai had disappeared, he thought the first week or so—hell, maybe even the first month—would be the worst as he got used to sleeping on his own, but then he would get used to it.

Except he hadn’t and even now, months later, he couldn’t sleep comfortably through the night on his own.

Kurogane glanced at Syaoran and the sad look in his eyes. He sighed and put his hand on top of Syaoran’s head to ruffle his hair, so roughly Syaoran was bent forward and some of his drink sloshed over his hands. When Kurogane let up on the pressure, still keeping his hand on Syaoran’s hair, Syaoran looked up at him with big, sparkling eyes like a puppy’s.

“Wipe that look off your face and drink up,” He said. To ease some of the boy’s worries even more, he offered a small smile. “I’m fine.”

Syaoran nodded and his shoulders slumped a bit in relief. Kurogane patted his head once before pulling his hand away. He held his drink up to Syaoran and Syaoran clinked their glasses together with a small laugh.

Syaoran went to bed tipsy that night and Kurogane stayed up a bit longer to do nothing but sit in the dark and finish off the wine. The next morning, Mokona’s earring glowed and once again, they were taken to a new world.

And as soon as Kurogane’s feet touched cold snow, he felt it. He knew.

“M-Mokona, winter c-clothes?” Syaoran asked through chattering teeth as icy wind howled around them.

Mokona opened her mouth wide and spat out two big coats for Kurogane and Syaoran and a little cloak for herself that Kurogane pinned around her body. In the near distance was a village that glowed warmly with street lamps and lights pouring through cottage windows against white landscape and an imposing mountain that towered behind it, smoke rising from chimneys and promising warmth.

“He’s here,” Kurogane told Syaoran and Mokona.

“Fai?! Fai is here?!” Mokona cried excitedly while hopping up and down on Kurogane’s shoulder.

“You’re sure?” Syaoran asked.

Kurogane nodded at him. “Come on, we gotta get inside before we freeze out here.”

Syaoran agreed and together, they trudged through the snow and to the village. As they went, Kurogane’s mood soured little by little as he tried to figure out why the hell Fai would ever want to live in a place like this. It was icy and cold beyond imagination, the same as Valeria and Celes. Maybe, Kurogane thought as his mood hit rock bottom and his legs went numb from the snow, he chose it on purpose to make himself as miserable as possible.

As they reached the entrance to the village, its citizens noticed them immediately—Mokona quickly hid inside Kurogane’s coat before she was spotted. “Travelers!” One man called as he ran over to them. “Oh, you must be freezing! Come, come.”

“Uh, we’re actually—” Syaoran tried to say, but the man grabbed his wrist and dragged him towards an inn before he could say anything. 

As soon as they were inside, Kurogane and Syaoran sighed as they seemed to thaw at the same time. “Better, isn’t it?” The man asked with a hearty laugh. “So, where do you hail from?”

“Far,” Kurogane said shortly.

“Actually, we’re looking for our friend and we think he’s here,” Syaoran told the man in a politer tone. “His name is Fai. Do you know him?”

“Fai? Of course I know him!” The man exclaimed with a grin. “He’s been a lifesaver since he got here! We probably would have been buried under snow by now if he hadn’t stopped the avalanche his first night here! Never seen magic like that before, so we’re grateful to have him.”

Syaoran and Kurogane glanced at each other and then looked back at the man. “Could you take us to him?” Syaoran asked.

“Oh, I’d love to, but Fai’s not in the village right now,” The man told them with an apologetic smile. “He’s up on the mountain, dealing with a problem with our water. He should be back by morning though, if you don’t mind waiting.”

Kurogane nodded. “Yeah, we’ll wait. Got a room?”

“Of course! And for friends of Fai, I’ll let you have it free of charge,” The man said happily. He looked between the two of them and frowned. “Uh, where’s all your stuff?”

“We travel light,” Kurogane told him. “Have any wine here?”

“Oh, loads of it!” The man said as he went behind the inn’s desk to grab a key before leading them up the stairs. “We specialize in mead, so you’ve gotta try it.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Kurogane grumbled as the man opened the door to their room for them.

He set the key on a nearby table and grinned at them. “Come on down whenever! I can show you the way to the pub if you’d like. They have great food, too. Enjoy!”

With a wave, the man left and shut the door behind him. Syaoran and Kurogane looked at each other and Mokona wiggled out of Kurogane’s collar. “Fai-san has been here for a while, it seems…” Syaoran said as he put a hand to his chin.

“Everyone here likes Fai!” Mokona squeaked.

Kurogane took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, then turned to the door to yank it open, Mokona yelping on his shoulder in surprise. “Kurogane-san? Where are you going?!” Syaoran cried while running after his companion.

“To get a drink,” Kurogane told him. “No reason to sit around doing nothing until morning.”

“Okay, just—wait! The key!” Syaoran yelled as he scrambled back to the room.

The innkeeper led them to a pub just down the road that was warm and decorated with dark wooden tables and left them with a yell to the owner that they should be given all the mead they want for free. Kurogane and Syaoran found a lonely table in the back corner, where they wouldn’t be bothered and ordered a glass of mead each. 

With their drinks in front of them, Syaoran was silent for a long time. He chewed his bottom lip nervously and stared at the honey-colored liquid in his glass. He idly tapped his fingernails against the glass, creating some anxiety induced song.

“So…” Syaoran eventually said as Mokona snuck onto the table to steal sips of their drinks. “What… What will you do?”

“I’ll try to knock some sense into him,” Kurogane shrugged.

“Kurogane has to bring Fai back, he has to!” Mokona cried before being flattened under Kurogane’s hand with a squeak before anyone noticed her.

“Listen,” Kurogane sighed as he freed Mokona’s squishy body. He took a deep breath as he thought of the right words to say. “I can’t force the mage to do anything. If he wants to stay here, then…”

Kurogane shrugged, but there was a sharp pain blooming in his chest as the realization of everything that was about to happen weighed down on him. Now that he was here, mere hours from confronting Fai… His own words felt hollow, like he, himself, didn’t want to hear them. He didn’t want to admit to himself or anyone that he couldn’t make Fai come back with him, but Kurogane had an annoyingly rational part of his brain that told him...

Kurogane threw back the rest of his mead and flagged the waitress for another. “I hope everything works out,” Syaoran said very quietly.

Kurogane nodded, then gestured to Syaoran’s drink. “It’ll warm you up.”

They spent the rest of the evening in near silence. Kurogane drank so much that, despite not being drunk, the pub cut him off. Kurogane left grumbling in annoyance and Syaoran smiled sheepishly to the owner as they walked out.

Kurogane sighed when they were back out in the cold and rubbed the back of his neck. “Let’s get some—”

He felt something unseen yank on him, like a string tied to his sternum was pulled taut. Syaoran was looking past Kurogane with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open, and slowly, like he was afraid of what he’d see, Kurogane turned to look himself. 

He saw blue first—big eyes that still seemed impossibly blue after all this time and were somehow still bright even under the shadow of a large, fur-lined hood. Hair like threaded gold fell over them and framed a pale, narrow face and even from where he was, Kurogane could see how long it had grown.

Fai only let his mask slip for a short moment though, and as soon as Kurogane saw it, the mage had his eyes shut and a wide smile plastered on his face as he walked towards the group. Kurogane hadn’t seen that expression in a long time and it left a bitter taste on his tongue.

“Am I seeing things?” Fai asked with a forced laugh once he was closer to them. “What on earth are you all doing here?”

“We were looking for you!” Mokona said before hopping away from Syaoran and down the icy street, closing the distance between them. Fai caught her in his hands and held her up to his face. “We were so worried about you, Fai!”

Fai’s smile softened as he looked at Mokona and he stroked the top of her head gently. “Why were you worried? There’s nothing wrong,” He told her. As he said it, his eyes slipped to Kurogane and his mask fractured around the edges. He looked back at Mokona and grinned. “You all must be freezing! Come on, let’s go somewhere warm to catch up!”

Syaoran and Kurogane shared a glance as Fai walked past them. Syaoran followed after him first and, with a sigh, Kurogane made up the rear. They walked down a small road, past rows of houses until they were somewhat outside of the village, where one small cottage stood with thick snow piled on its roof. Fai opened the door to it and lit the lanterns and a fire with a quick spell.

“Fai lives here?” Mokona asked as Fai set her on the table.

“Yep! Home sweet home,” Fai said while holding his arm out to show it off. Something about hearing him say that made the pain in Kurogane’s chest grow.

The cottage Fai lived in was small, a tiny front room they all crowded into with a kitchen and lounging area. There were a couple of doors that Kurogane figured led to the bathroom and bedroom, but that was it. He had it sparsely decorated, just the necessary furniture. Kurogane would assume it was abandoned if he didn’t know any better.

Fai, after taking off his thick coat, pulled a bottle and a few glasses from a cupboard and set them all on a table. His hair was a bit longer as Kurogane suspected, tied back at the nape of his neck and trailing between his shoulders. He used to be pretty good about maintaining the length, but now it seemed like he didn’t care enough to cut it. “I figure everyone wants some wine?” He asked as he uncorked the bottle. “Though it smells like you already had some fun here!”

Fai was all laughs and smiles as he poured their glasses. Syaoran looked at Kurogane, the way his hands were clenched into tight fists at his sides, and silently scooped Mokona in his hands. “We have to—” He began to say, no doubt about to come up with a bad excuse to leave so Kurogane and Fai could have a moment alone.

Before he could though, Fai walked up to Kurogane and offered him a glass of wine, his head tilted and an overly bright smile on his face. “I’m surprised to see you, Kurogane. You’re traveling with Syaoran-kun again?”

Syaoran gulped and Mokona whimpered quietly. The tension in the room was as thick as water. Kurogane narrowed his eyes at the mage, the sound of his full name like a poison that shot straight to his heart, though Fai kept his ever-present smile pasted to his lips as if he had no idea. The urge to slap the glass of wine out of the idiot’s hand was almost too strong to ignore.

Kurogane’s chest rose and lowered with a long, deep breath before he finally asked, “Can I talk to you alone?”

Fai blinked like he was surprised at the question and nodded, which honestly Kurogane wasn’t expecting. He gestured to one of the doors and led Kurogane to it. Kurogane nodded his head at Syaoran, silently informing him to leave the cottage and return to the inn until things were done. Syaoran bit his bottom lip nervously, but did as Kurogane asked.

Kurogane couldn’t help his curiosity when they entered Fai’s bedroom, but there was little to see. This room was as bare as the last, and it left Kurogane thinking of the ornate mirror that sat in their bedroom in Nihon, the colorful ribbons and lacquered combs that still sat in front of it, of the many blankets Fai learned to sew with varying colors and patterns to brighten the room. This room was downright depressing in comparison.

Fai turned to face Kurogane and tilted his head, waiting. Kurogane waited a moment as well, hoping that maybe Fai would be the bigger person and… well, Kurogane wasn’t sure, really. Apologize, maybe. Explain himself, at least.

“Got the arm you had made,” Kurogane said quietly when Fai didn’t speak. “It’s perfect.”

“Good,” Fai nodded. For the briefest moment, the mask slipped and the soft smile that painted Fai’s lips looked mostly genuine. “I’m glad.”

Kurogane waited for Fai to continue, pierced the blond with a pointed look, but Fai didn’t say anything else. He felt like he couldn’t if he tried. He kept the smile on his face, a task that was more difficult than it used to be, but his heart was in his throat and his lungs felt collapsed. He should have expected it, he should have known Kurogane was not the type of person to just sit back and accept something like this. Still, knowing that didn’t make this moment he feared would come any easier.

“Are you gonna say anything?” Kurogane eventually asked after an uncomfortable amount of silence.

Fai tried to widen his smile and shrugged his shoulders. “Like… what?”

“Like explain why you left,” Kurogane said with a step in Fai’s direction. 

Fai took a step back; he needed to keep distance between them, or else he feared he might—he clenched trembling hands into fists. This wasn’t one of his dreams that still tormented him now. Though he knew deep down that he wouldn’t hurt Kurogane, he still needed the space to keep himself from giving in to his desires and falling into warm arms that he knew would catch him with ease, even after all the turmoil he caused.

Kurogane stopped and Fai saw his jaw clench and something like sadness flash across crimson eyes. After taking another breath to steady himself and hardening his gaze again, Kurogane continued, “You just disappeared. While I was sleeping. Wanna tell me why?”

“I just—” Fai’s smile faltered and his voice trembled. He could feel himself falling apart as he tried to speak, hoping he sounded casual but knowing he was failing. “I wanted to go somewhere else.”

“But why?” Kurogane asked, and Fai felt like he was cracked straight down the middle at the desperation in Kurogane’s voice. He hadn’t seen that kind of look on Kurogane’s face in a long time—not since they were trying to escape Celes. That look of fear, of hopelessness through his own refusal to give up. “I don’t give a fuck about anything else, just tell me why, damn it. Why did you just leave? Why didn’t you say anything? What the hell happened?”

Every word Kurogane spoke split Fai’s heart more and more, his usually calm, measured voice growing more and more frantic with each question he no doubt had been asking himself since Fai disappeared. Fai felt his resolve fail and he lowered his eyes, unable to look at Kurogane anymore as guilt ate him from the inside out. Fai wondered just what it would take to make Kurogane give up on him because still, even after all Fai had put him through, Kurogane was fighting so hard. Fai loved that part of him. Fai loved everything about Kurogane, but…

“I didn’t want to stay long enough for you to start hating me,” Fai admitted, so quietly he wondered if Kurogane even heard him.

Kurogane flinched back like he’d been hurt, confused and shocked. “I—what?” He stammered. Fai still wouldn’t look at him, and he said nothing else, so Kurogane sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You must be more of an idiot than I thought if you think I’d ever—”

“Fine,” Fai shrugged passive-aggressively—or maybe just aggressively. “Maybe you won’t hate me, though I can’t understand how, but it’ll only be a matter of time until you get hurt again. Because of me.”

“What the hell are you talking about?!” Kurogane yelled, unable to help the rising tone of his voice. “Is this about still having the vampire blood? Or those damn dreams you were—”

“Look at yourself,” Fai finally looked at Kurogane to gesture towards him. “All of your worst scars—they’re because of me!”

Kurogane took a deep breath through his nose to calm himself and narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, and I don’t regret a single one of them.”

“But I do,” Fai told him, his voice almost like a hiss. Fai shook his head, and Kurogane thought he saw tears sparkling in brilliant blue eyes when Fai turned them away. “I can’t go back to Nihon.”

“Fine then,” Kurogane threw his hands in the air in an over-dramatic shrug. “I’ll stay here, or go wherever else you wanna go if you—”

“No, gods, don’t you see?” Fai gestured wildly to Kurogane again, the tears in his eyes apparent but refusing to spill over as he looked at Kurogane. “That’s the problem, you just—sacrifice everything, again and again, and eventually there’s not going to be anything left!”

“I already told you—for fucks sake, mage, how many times do I have to say it for it to get through your thick skull?” Kurogane asked, his temper rising with each word. “And you can’t—I can’t just leave you here, not unless I know you won’t—“

“Won’t what, Kurogane?” Fai cut in bitterly as his eyes narrowed. This time when he said Kurogane’s name, it sounded like a curse. “I’m fine here. You don’t need to constantly watch over me like a keeper. Didn’t I tell you I won’t give my life up for anything else?”

Kurogane sighed with an edge of irritation. Maybe Fai was right, maybe he didn’t need someone to constantly ensure he wouldn’t kill himself anymore and maybe Kurogane should have more faith in him. But that was only a sliver of the problem that mounted between them.

After giving them both a moment to breathe, Kurogane quietly said, “I don’t know where the hell all this is coming from, but I’ll say it again; I don’t do anything I regret. None of it’s been a sacrifice to me and anything that happens later won’t be either. I want to do it.”

For you, he thought, unspoken words lingering between them.

“Well I don’t want you to,” Fai said in a much quieter voice as he turned away from Kurogane. His shoulders shook as he fought down the urge to push aside his own fears and run back to Kurogane with cries of apologies. But he couldn’t, because he felt deep inside himself that it wasn’t just his own love for Kurogane that tempted him, but the beast living within him as well, something primal that drew them together in a way that frightened him. “And I—I can’t be near you, I can’t risk it—I won’t hurt you. If I did… I don’t… I couldn’t…”

For a few moments, the room was silent, filled only with the sounds of their own breaths and cold wind howling outside. Kurogane stared at the the man he loved, the man who was pulling away from him in a way Kurogane wasn’t sure he could stop.

“...Why do you think you’re gonna hurt me? You're just not gonna tell me where this all came from?” Kurogane eventually asked, though he already knew the answer he’d receive. The dreams, Fai’s plummeting mood, his decision to leave—Fai wouldn’t share any of it.

Fai made that known by remaining silent. 

After all, if he told Kurogane the root of his fears, it would only put more heavy blame on Kurogane’s shoulders. They couldn't be together, Fai knew—he feared the predator within him too much to risk it—but Fai didn’t want guilt weighing down on Kurogane’s heart for the decisions he made to keep Fai alive. It would be better, he felt, to make Kurogane think it was all in Fai’s head, that Fai’s guilt was the reason for all of this, rather than admit he was terrified of the vampire Kurogane turned him into and what it would potentially do to the two of them, even if it meant the remorse pained him, instead.

Maybe it was a stupid decision, but… Kurogane had always called him an idiot for a reason, hadn’t he?

Kurogane shook his head and asked, “And what about the kids?”

Fai swallowed. “I’ll call them. From time to time,” He said quietly enough that the tremor in his voice wasn’t immediately obvious.

Kurogane sighed and his shoulders fell. “Y’know, you keep talking about scars and physical wounds and how afraid you are that I’ll get hurt,” He murmured quietly. “But you’re hurting me now more than any of that other stuff ever did.”

It felt odd to share such a vulnerable feeling, but Fai had always been the person Kurogane could confide in, and he admitted it because it was true. Kurogane thought back to some of his most painful memories—Tomoyo skewering his hand; Syaoran using Fai’s magic to shred his back; cutting through flesh and bone and severing his own arm. As with all his choices, he didn’t regret those moments because they were necessary. Tomoyo helped him in ways he could never repay, the scars on his back and the prosthetic arm at his shoulder were worth it because they kept Fai alive, and if he had to, he would go back and relive those moments ten-times over if he needed to.

But this, this rejection, the realization that Fai did not want to be with him—either because it was truly what he wanted or just what he believed was the best thing to do—it was like a piercing pain in his chest that hurt more than anything he’d ever felt and kept getting worse, and he never wanted to relive it. He’d rather tear his own heart out to stop the pain.

Fai took a quivering breath and coldly said, “You’ll get over it.” 

He turned slightly as he said it, though he still refused to look at Kurogane, but from there, Kurogane could see Fai’s skinny arms crossed over his chest and his left hand, his ring finger, bare. After so long of wearing the silver band, there was the faintest strip of slightly paler skin, a shadow of the everything he’d given up.

Kurogane felt another pain, a nail being stabbed into a coffin as his chest grew heavy, like his heart had turned to stone. The usual resolve he carried disappeared as if it had never existed. Slowly, with no remaining energy to try and argue, he turned away from Fai and stepped to the door. He stopped when his hand was on the knob, paused to look at Fai one last time.

“...Always thought you knew me better than that,” Kurogane said quietly.

Fai turned to look at him over his shoulder, his lips pressed into a hard line and his eyes shimmering, even in the dark, and as Kurogane opened the door and stepped out, he barely caught a glimpse of a tear spilling down a pale cheek.

Kurogane crossed the small cottage and opened the front door. He waited a few minutes in the winter night air, then a little while longer after that, waiting in vain for Fai to come after him, but… the cottage remained quiet. Fai wasn’t coming.

Kurogane continued onward through the snow, blamed his burning eyes on the cold wind as he made his way back into the town and to the inn. He stomped up the stairs of the inn and slammed the door to his and Syaoran’s room open, making the boy and Mokona jump.

“Kurogane is back!” Mokona cried like a cheer, but she was quickly quieted when she noticed Kurogane was alone. “...Where is Fai?”

“I need to talk to Watanuki,” Kurogane said shortly.

Syaoran frowned and stood from the bed he was sitting on. “Kurogane-san…?”

“Now, manjuu,” Kurogane barked.

Mokona yelped and the next moment, there was an oval projection in front of them and Watanuki’s face looking at them all. He honed right in on Kurogane and raised a brow. “How can I help you?” He asked.

“I want to go back to Nihon,” Kurogane told him.

Syaoran and Mokona both cried out in surprise. 

“But—Kurogane-san!” 

“Kurogane can’t leave Fai!”

Kurogane clenched his jaw and nodded only at Watanuki. “I want to go now.”

Watanuki regarded him for a moment, then slowly nodded. “There will be a price to pay.”

Kurogane clenched his hands into fists, then looked down at his left hand and the ring that glimmered under the light of the dim oil lamp. With a breath of hesitation and a vice squeezing his heart painfully, Kurogane took the ring off and held it out towards Mokona. It would be better if it was with its mate anyway, he told himself.

“Kurogane-san, please,” Syaoran pleaded. “There must be something—”

“There’s nothing I can do,” Kurogane said quietly. “I can’t force the mage to do anything he doesn’t want to do, and he doesn’t want to come back. So I’m going home.”

Syaoran swallowed and looked down at his shoes. “Did you… at least get the answer you were looking for?” He asked quietly.

Kurogane thought for a moment, then shrugged one shoulder vaguely. Kurogane now knew that Fai left because he was afraid he would hurt Kurogane. Where that fear suddenly came from, Kurogane would never know for sure, though he put the blame on the dark whispers that he knew still had plagued Fai’s thoughts for his entire life, even into their happier times together, the nightmares his mind conjured that Fai vehemently kept secret.

He looked down at the inside of his wrist of his left arm, once covered in scars he’d self-inflicted for Fai’s sake, wounds he knew hurt Fai more than himself. Fai had hated him then, or tried to hate him. Fai didn’t seem to hate him now; he went on and on about Kurogane’s sacrifices, but now it seemed like Fai was the one making the sacrifice and Kurogane still didn’t fully know why he had chosen to make it.

“Kurogane-san…?” Syaoran questioned quietly at Kurogane’s pause.

Kurogane shook his head. “Come on, manjuu. Hurry up.” There was no reason to wonder anymore. Maybe he could continue to push Fai until he got a straight answer, but would that help? He’d done it before, but Fai was different before. He’d done what he could. Fai made his decision. It was over… wasn’t it?

Reluctantly and with tears in her eyes, Mokona opened her mouth wide and sucked up the ring. In only a moment, it appeared to Watanuki. 

“Sorry to cut our travels short,” Kurogane told Syaoran quietly, one of his hands landing on top of the boy’s head.

Syaoran shook his head. “I was happy we could do it again,” He said with a fragile smile and wet eyes. “Maybe... we can all visit Sakura soon.”

Kurogane nodded and gave a small smile. “Yeah. That’d be nice.”

“No need to say your goodbyes just yet,” Watanuki told them. “Mokona will be the one taking you back, so Syaoran will be with you.”

“Good,” Kurogane moved his hand to clasp the back of Syaoran’s neck, the same way his dad used to do with him. In a futile attempt to try and lighten the mood, he said, “Maybe I can finally teach you how to drink sake properly.”

“Yeah… maybe,” Syaoran said with a quiet little laugh, though it was clear to all that he was as far from happy as he could be, the same as Kurogane.

“Then, I’ll take my leave,” Watanuki said with a nod. “And Kurogane, don’t worry about the rings. I’ll keep them safe, so if you ever want to get them back…”

Kurogane nodded at the boy. “...Thanks,” He said, though he had a horrible, dreadful feeling deep in his soul that he wouldn’t see those rings again.

Watanuki gave the three of them a pleasant and somewhat apologetic smile before the projection disappeared. Mokona hopped across the room and landed in Kurogane’s hands that he held open for her.

“Guess we gotta wait until the earring glows,” Kurogane murmured. “We should get some rest.”

“Kurogane,” Mokona said sadly. “Are you okay?”

Kurogane looked at her, thought for a moment, and eventually said, “I will be.”

He wasn’t entirely sure if he believed himself, but it seemed to reassure Mokona a bit. That was something, at least.

Syaoran lowered his head, looking very much like he was going to cry, and so Kurogane nudged him towards one of the beds. Syaoran nodded, quickly swiping the back of his hand against his eyes, and lied down. Kurogane took the other bed, and Mokona nestled herself against Kurogane’s neck.

That night, Kurogane didn’t sleep—he couldn't. He stared up at the ceiling, thinking of everything that had happened, not just now but each moment since he met Fai that led to this moment. From that moment in the Witch’s garden that changed his life forever to this sleepless night, he thought of how far Fai had come, how happy and honest he had become, and then thought of how quickly it had crashed around them. He wondered how long it had gone on without him noticing, how long Fai had continued to keep his secrets that slowly tore him to shreds and eventually pulled them apart.

Kurogane, for as hard as he was willing to work for Fai, to keep Fai by his side, felt exhausted and defeated. He’d done what he could, he’d kept Fai alive, helped him move on from his past, that should be what was most important. But there was a selfish part of him that wanted to scream in anger at what had been lost. What he wanted more than anything, the person he loved more than anything, he’d let it all slip away.

There is no such thing as coincidence, the Witch had said. This failure and misery… was it meant to happen? Despite how far they both had come, were they simply fated to end up like this?

The next morning, right as the sun was rising, Mokona’s earring glowed. They walked out of the town to give her magic circle enough room to activate without anyone seeing, and from there, Kurogane could see Fai’s lonely little cottage. Syaoran gave Kurogane a look, almost like he was silently urging him to try one more time, but the spell was activated before Kurogane could even entertain the idea.

And as they were lifted up, Kurogane miserably felt like he was being exiled once again despite going home, especially when he saw blue eyes watching from a small window as he was pulled from that world to return to Nihon on his own.

(His first night back in Nihon, Kurogane dreamed a sweet dream—one of crystalline blue eyes looking at him with love and a small smile, beautiful and true—that left him breathless as if it were a nightmare. 

Syaoran asked what was wrong. Kurogane refused to share.)