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“How much you buy those for?” Klaus mumbled as he lazily pointed at the Umbrella Academy memorabilia sat in the store’s window. Ben could already tell where he was going with this - possibly before even Klaus himself knew.
The cashier looked Klaus up and down, taking in his not-so-stylishly bedraggled appearance. She popped her bubble gum to speak. “You wanna buy?” she asked incredulously.
Klaus wasn’t exactly pleased with her customer service, but she had a fair point. “Do I look like I want to buy?” he deadpanned. Ben had been kind enough to tell him he looked like “death warmed up”, which Klaus thought was a pretty good euphemism for his life. Maybe he was currently looking a little more shabby than chic.
“We buy the first editions for like, thirty each.” she droned, seemingly barely stopping herself from rolling her eyes. She stifled a yawn behind her hand as she handed Klaus $10 in return for the ring he’d stolen earlier that day. Thirty dollars for each... he could make just one trip to the academy and get hundreds of dollars worth of stupid comic books. The fact that anyone bought those things utterly baffled Klaus. He stumbled out of the store with Ben on his heels. No Klaus, you’re on parole Klaus, Luther will kick your ass Klaus, dads probably home Klaus, blahblahblahblahblah. Klaus simply ignored his brother’s nagging as he went on his merry way to rob their dear old dad.
—
As Klaus clumsily climbed up the fire escape to Five’s room, he couldn’t help but internally berate himself for being such an idiot. He’d been too focused on stealing Reggie’s trophies and ornaments to actually take advantage of the real goldmine. All those dumb figurines and comics had been sat collecting dust in the mansion this entire time. There were probably comics and figures that had never even been released to the public. Ben was outwardly berating Klaus, but for very different reasons. Klaus thought he should just go people watch, or go into whatever void he enters when he doesn’t want to see what Klaus is doing. After so long, they often forgot that they weren’t literally attached at the hip.
Five’s room always made Klaus feel kind of strange when he passed through. It was like the kid was still living there, no layer of dust or stench of mothballs. They’d all had their own theories for why Five’s room was upstairs. Klaus’ personal belief was that dad put Five on another floor so he could trick him into using (and therefore practicing) his power more. Their dad always had been a conniving old bastard. Ugh, he hoped dad wasn’t home. Even being in the same building as him gave him the creeps. Klaus thought it was a shame none of the stuff in Five’s room was signed or anything... the general public loved to have their little theories about where Five vanished to. Klaus knew it was the future, where else would he go?
—
“Pogo’s coming!” Ben yelled around the corner of the door. Klaus groaned and shoved as many comics he could grab down the back of his pants. Curse his love for tight pants.
Ben had been half tempted to lie about Pogo or Luther just to scare him, but had decided against it... it would’ve been deserved though, Klaus had been pissing him off lately. Just because he’s a ghost doesn’t mean Klaus should just ignore him.
The old chimp limped into the memorabilia room that had taken Ben and Klaus nearly an hour to find. Klaus wished Pogo would let him give the guy a makeover; the whole outfit was sooo stereotypical monkey butler. “Master Klaus,” Pogo greeted stoically. Klaus dropped into a wobbly curtsy. “I see we are feeling nostalgic...” the chimp muttered. Klaus wasn’t a fan of the judgemental tone. Ben was leant against the wall with his arms crossed, clearly amused. Klaus wondered if Ben felt like he was leaning against something, or if it just felt like he was stood weirdly... did physics effect ghosts?
Luther’s huge steps sounded down the hall, “Pogo have you seen my-“ he stopped abruptly as he spotted Klaus from outside the door. “What are you doing here?” he puffed his chest out like a pigeon. Straight men were so silly, Klaus thought. Luther was in his training gear, hopefully he’d be too worn out to put up much of a fight.
“Obviously I’m here for my date with Pogo.” Klaus winked at the chimp’s direction. Pogo physically recoiled - which Klaus thought was a bit fucking harsh, he should consider himself lucky. Who was Luther to come between the sacred love of a man and a chimp? Ben sniggered, honestly just enjoying the show. Klaus’ sarcastic flirtation had served its purpose, leaving both Luther and Pogo in stunned silence. “Anywhooo...” Klaus whistled, attempting to slide past the pair “I should get going, busy schedule!” Klaus knew when Ben didn’t follow that Luther was going to grab him. Sure enough, he grabbed him by the scruff of the neck like a stray kitten. Klaus let out a squeak not so dissimilar to said kitten.
“Give me the comics, Four.” Luther demanded, sounding thoroughly bored. They’d been through this routine so many times it was almost pre-scripted. Klaus shrugged off Luther’s grip, and threw his hands above his head arrest style. He edged closer to the exit. Ben rolled his eyes, he could see the cogs turning in Klaus’ tiny brain.
“Okay, okay, help yourself...” Klaus placated with a casual shrug “they’re in my pants.” he explained with a wiggle of his eyebrows. Luther face palmed so hard he seemingly accidentally used his own super-strength. Klaus took a moment to take stock of Luther’s self inflicted punch, and Pogo’s lame legs - and made the decision to bolt down the hallway. The speed he’d taken earlier had come in very handy.
Ben didn’t catch up with Klaus’ escape until he was halfway through the front door. He had found Luther’s predicament so hilarious that he couldn’t drag himself away. Klaus attempted to sprint for a block or two before he doubled over to gasp for wheezing breaths. He’d blended into the crowd of the street now - they’d successfully escaped Number One. Ben and Klaus glanced at each other and giggled - well, Ben giggled, Klaus spluttered a chuckle as he caught his breath. Ben knew he shouldn’t encourage this kind of thing - but it was a pretty fun break from their usual scheduled programming. Watching your brother choke on his own vomit, and run around looking for his next fix was exhausting.
—
“Nine first editions, all mint condition!” Klaus exclaimed as he slammed the comics down onto the pawn shop’s desk. He neglected to tell them they’d been down his pants. The cashier raised an eyebrow with suspicion, but seemed to decide she didn’t give a shit how he’d acquired them.
“I need to go get my dad to check them.” she muttered, as she grabbed the bundle and walked behind a beaded curtain into the back of the store. Klaus was practically jumping from excitement - and maybe partly from the speed... mostly the excitement, though.
“Maybe we should stay in a motel for a couple of nights?” Ben gently suggested, hoping his casualness would persuade Klaus. Of course it fucking didn’t. Klaus scoffed and waved a hand dismissively. “I didn’t do all that for a motel!” he shout-whispered from the side of his mouth. Ben clenched his fists from within his jacket pockets.
“You’re going to OD.” he spat warningly, unable to contain his anxiety. It had only been a month since the last time they had to restart his heart.
“I’m not going to OD!” Klaus defensively yelled over to Ben as the cashier and her dad came back through. Klaus cleared his throat awkwardly, and flashed a grin that he clearly hoped was endearing. Ben had never seen such a shifty grin in his whole (after)life.
“Two-seventy.” the dad grunted, seeming unimpressed by the situation. Klaus skipped over to the counter and made manic grabby hands at the cash.
—
He predictably overdosed. Ben sat in the ambulance, and wished he could unleash his tentacles on the idiot the next time he inevitably bought drugs.