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“Is he fucking Macauley Culkin?!” Klaus groaned as he dragged himself up from Diego’s now marble filled floor. He was going to have several bruises, hopefully not on his face - that was his money maker.
“Well maybe if you stopped breaking in to his place, he wouldn’t keep setting booby traps.” Ben absentmindedly nagged, neglecting to look up from his book. Klaus could’ve chipped his teeth or cracked his skull, but all his brother could focus on was the book he’d read a million times.
“We really need to try and get you some new books...” Klaus mumbled, feeling a tinge of guilt over remembering he’d never gotten around to even trying. Ben stayed expressionless, he’d given up on hoping Klaus would attempt to conjure him something else to read. He liked this book, he really did... or maybe he didn’t anymore, it was hard to say. It was a distraction regardless. At least Klaus had conjured him in a cool outfit, being stuck in their uniform for eternity would’ve been a worse fate than hell.
Klaus stumbled over to Diego’s refrigerator, hoping he had something other than eggs for once. “I thought booby traps were just out of The Mummy or something...” he murmured. Klaus let out a weary sigh as his gaze landed on a lone carton of eggs. He slammed the refrigerator door like a disappointed child. Ooooh, he had a single slice of wholemeal bread! How festive! Klaus snatched it from the wrapper, and took a bite so greedy that only half the slice remained - he didn’t even like wholemeal bread.
“Just be grateful they were marbles, not knives.” Ben muttered, he’d lost interest in his book but decided to pretend he was still reading so Klaus would bug him less. Klaus chuckled in Ben’s direction as he swayed past, causing crumbs of bread to shoot from his mouth. Ben attempted to hide his amusement... though he did hope that wasn’t the last piece of food in the place, Diego was almost as bad at feeding himself as Klaus was. Ben could hear Klaus riffling through Diego’s medicine cabinet. “I thought we were here to ask for his help...” he called over, passive aggressively.
They were 22 and all Diego had in his medicine cabinet was mouthwash and a bottle of aspirin. Klaus would’ve expected more from a momma’s boy. “We are,” he sang over his shoulder “I can multitask!” Could aspirin give him a buzz if he took enough, maybe if he mixed them with some booze and actual fun drugs? Klaus shrugged his shoulders and began to open up the bottle when he heard Diego slowing sliding open his front door. Maybe another time, he thought, as he slipped the bottle back into the cabinet.
Diego noticed the displaced marbles and groaned. Wait... was that bread crumbs? He pulled his gloves off and inadvertently threw them directly through Ben. “Wow, thanks.” the ghost mumbled, crossing his arms with a scowl. Diego dodged his way past the marbles as he sauntered over to his bathroom, where Klaus was destined to be. The faucet was running, and the door was pushed almost closed - which Diego knew was as close as Klaus ever got to shutting a door. “You broke in so you could take a bath?” he wasn’t sure why he was shocked, Klaus had broken in for weirder reasons.
—
Klaus turned his nose up at the plate of scrambled eggs Diego had just shoved onto the table in front of him. Diego clenched his jaw to stop himself from grabbing Klaus by the hair and shoving him face first into the last of his eggs. Diego’s night had been extremely long and filled with pain - some asshole mugger had kicked him right in the crotch. Klaus reluctantly picked up his fork and began to pick at his “meal”. Diego frowned and slid down into his own chair, taking a sip of his shitty instant coffee. He knew there was no way he’d get any sleep with Klaus over, so he may as well try and wake himself up a bit.
In between mouthfuls of eggs - that had absolutely no flavor, by the way - Klaus decided to bite the bullet. “I need an alibi!” he suddenly blurted out. Ben snorted from across the room at his brashness.
Diego paused mid sip to glare daggers at his idiot brother. He was sure Klaus was utterly determined to give Diego an aneurysm, and be left with only goddamn Luther for a brother. Diego gently placed his coffee mug down, before grabbing his teaspoon and throwing it directly between Klaus’ eyebrows. Klaus let out a girly shriek, even though Diego had purposefully made the spoon barely touch him.
Since that hadn’t gone over well, Klaus decided to switch tactics and began to pout like the neglected puppies on ASPCA commercials. “If you want me to go back to prison...” he dramatically looked down at the floor, pushing his bottom lip so far out he could’ve tripped over it. Klaus subtly flicked his vision over to Ben, who was giving him his not mad, just disappointed look. Klaus irritatedly gestured to Diego with the slightest tip of his head. Ben rolled his eyes “Yes, it’s working.” Klaus bit back his smug grin and solemnly turned to his living brother. He was rubbing the bridge of his nose with his finger and thumb, clearly having an internal debate over whether to agree.
After a few moments of contemplation, Diego pulled his hand down and glared back over at his brother. “Just tell me you didn’t kill someone...” he grunted. Diego knew Klaus was too sensitive, and most importantly, stupid to commit murder, but he knew what junkies were like - he had to at least check.
Klaus seemed to forget he was pretending to be glum, as he dropped his act to let out a hoarse giggle. “God no,” he picked some chipped polish from his nail “just stole some candy...” he looked off wistfully. Diego didn’t have the patience for this bullshit so he harshly snapped his fingers in Klaus’ face “And then what?!”. Klaus flinched more than was necessary and swatted his hand away. “And then nothing, Di” he looked downright insulted “I’m just on parole still.”
A long suffering sigh escaped from Diego’s lips. “If you’re sat here right now, clearly they didn’t catch you - so I don’t know why the fuck you’d need an alibi.” he snapped. Was he so high he’d not realised that part, or was he just making up a terrible lie as usual? If he was leaving something out, it couldn’t have been good. When he told Klaus as much, his brother stuck one hand out to Diego, and one hand out to the empty couch to their side.
“Okay, okay, fine! Enough with the Spanish Inquisition.” he shrieked “I may or may not have fe...” Klaus’ mumbling became inaudible as he got to the important part. Diego had never wanted to stab his brother more. He slammed his fist down on the table with enough force to spill eggs over the side of Klaus’ plate “Talk louder!”
“Fine! Maybe I might’ve fell as I ran out of the store, and torn down a stand that may or may not have fallen through the window. They also maybe, might’ve seen my tattoos on my hands because the color of my gloves clashed with my shirt!” he sputtered out, talking faster than that one time Diego had seen him on meth. Diego’s head followed his fist as he threw his face onto the table with frustration.
”I told you not to get those!” Klaus’ alive and deceased brothers exclaimed in unison, which was frankly creepy as hell since the former wasn’t even aware of the latter.
“Well I am so sorry,” Klaus proclaimed with faux sincerity “that I’m apparently the only person in this family with a sense of humor!”