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Chapter Text

1985  

She knew she should be grateful for her promotion – that Maxwell giving her more responsibility was a good sign, that soon she’d be made partner and have some creative control over the business – but she knew Maxwell only delegated the position to her because he was too lazy and numbers overwhelmed him. Still, she had to admit that Business Manager sounded a whole lot better than Secretary, even though when she had asked Maxwell what her new position entailed he sort of just stumbled over half-sentences and gestured to the pile of papers on his desk. 

“Oh, uh, well, you…you can start with doing the payroll for the staff! Yes! Payroll. Good. Well, I’ll be taking off now. Good night, CC,” Maxwell was already out the door before she even had time to consider that they were in his home office.

She rolled her eyes, opening the payroll book, nearly cursing when she realized he meant the payroll for his household staff, not even for Sheffield productions.

“What do I care if the maids get paid?” she muttered as she scanned the list of names.

And then, like a beacon of light sent down from God himself, a name caught CC’s eye.

Not just any name. It was Niles, her favorite (or least favorite depending on which was more of an insult, CC didn’t know, nor did she care) maid of them all. Right there, on the page, his name. First and last name. Middle initial. His most precious, most guarded secret, right there in bold letters in Maxwell’s stupid payroll book.

“So that’s why he keeps it secret,” a slow grin formed on her face and she merrily laughed to herself as she immediately underlined his name in red ink, wanting to always be able to distinguish it from the other servants who ignored her and did not live to make her life a living hell.

Wanting to save Niles for last, CC set to work writing out the rest of the servants’ paychecks. Twenty minutes passed, and at last she was down to the final name. She grinned as she switched out the regular ballpoint pen for her much fancier fountain pen and signed the check with a flourish.

Perhaps she was going to like being a business manager after all 

“Ah, yes, CC, did you get a chance to finish those paychecks last night? It’s payday,” Maxwell asked as he waltzed into the office twenty minutes late and greeted her the following morning.

“Of course I did,” She replied with her fakest smile as she handed him the stack of enveloped paychecks. She neglected to mention the contracts she also edited the previous night without him. If he wasn’t going to give her a serious job, at least she could fix all the mistakes he made after he left for the day. She made a mental note to check out his taxes when she got a moment.

“CC, I don’t know what I would do without you. Keep it up, and I see a bright future for you here at Sheffield productions! Now, is there anything I can do for you?” He asked without really meaning it, having already headed for the door to hand out paychecks and waste some time hanging out with Sara and the babies, of course.

“Actually, now that you mention it…” she trailed off as she watched her boss try to mask the look of dread on his face at the thought of actually having to do something, “it’s nothing big. I was just wondering if I could give Niles his paycheck today?” 

Maxwell nearly sighed in relief upon realizing she was actually saving him something to do so he could go fawn over his wife.

“Absolutely, CC. You know, it’s so nice to see your making an effort to get along with Niles.”

He handed her the check and was out the door faster than she could say “As if.”

She practically skipped out the door to find her archenemy, realizing she already knew where he was. As much as Maxwell found ways to procrastinate doing any work, no one knew how to waste time like the Butler. Since breakfast was over and the other staff took care of cleanup, Niles usually spent his midmornings doing the daily crossword puzzle and drinking a cup of tea. She kind of hated herself for knowing that.

She found him in the living room, Maxwell having no doubt retreated to the nursery to stare at his wife and children. She rolled her eyes at him – feet resting on the coffee table, glasses perched on nose, eyebrows furrowed in deep concentration. She wondered what Maxwell was paying him for before realizing Maxwell paid himself to walk around the house pretending to be important.

“Five letter word for waste of space,” she started as he jumped in surprise at being interrupted, “N-I-L-E-S.”

“Oh, it’s only you,” he retorted, taking off his glasses and removing his feet from the table, standing up to square off with her as usual.

“Don’t let me interrupt, Niles. I’m sure you’re doing very important work here. That couch isn’t gonna get an indent of your ass in it all on its own.”

“You know, now that you’re here, I think you might have actually helped me out. Seven letter word for boozehound: B-A-B-C-O-C-K.”

CC rolled her eyes, “Oh can it, Spic ‘n Span. I’m actually here to do something nice.”

That piqued his interest.

“Why? You never do anything nice.”

“Well with my new promotion,” she paused to glare at Niles, who snorted. At least someone else knew her new job was just as much of a load of bull as being Maxwell’s secretary was.

“Anyway, Maxwell assigned me the task of doing payroll, so, happy payday, Butler Boy,” she smiled as she handed him the paycheck, luring him into a false sense of security.

“Oh, well, that actually is very kind of you. Thank you, Miss Bab---“ his voice trailed off as he ripped open the envelope and put two and two together.

“No,” he whispered dramatically.

“That’s right, Niles, read it and weep!” Oh, how she’d hoped he would weep. She had her camera tucked in her purse in case he did.

“I always knew you were Satan’s mistress,” Niles sighed in defeat. “Go ahead, have your laugh. My last name---“

“Is humiliating!” CC interrupted. “Boy, if that got out, you’d be up a creek without a paddle, wouldn’t you?!”

“And you’d be dangling a lifejacket just out of my reach,” Niles deadpanned. “You’re going to shout it from the rooftops, aren’t you?”

She rolled her eyes, “Niles, don’t be ridiculous. This is too big for me to just go ahead and announce to everyone. I’ve gotta milk this for all its worth. Plus the joy of having something over your head for once in my life? I need a cigarette.”

He gawked at her, “So you’re not going to tell for now?”

“Niles, with a last name like that, you’d have to do something pretty awful to get me to release it to the world AND NO, that is not a challenge, so don’t get any ideas, dust buster.”

He held up his hands in surrender, “Wasn’t planning on it.”

“You know something, Niles?” She asked.

“What?” He replied, still in disbelief that she wasn’t going to ruin his life…yet.

“I think I’m going to look forward to these biweekly encounters,” she winked at him before striding away triumphantly.

“Who are you?!” He asked in awe, sitting back down on the sofa.

She laughed and was nearly out of the room before she turned back around, “Tosspot.”

“Yes, I know you’re that but—“

“A seven letter word for boozehound, idiot. Tosspot.” She watched as he looked down at the puzzle and fit the letters in perfectly. 

“Thanks,” He replied begrudgingly. 

“I’d like sugar in my coffee this afternoon, not your usual salt,” She instructed.

“Fine. Maybe I’ll even put it in a clean mug for once,” He muttered.

CC smiled as she left the living room and headed back to the office. He’d still probably do half sugar/half salt, but it was progress.

Chapter Text

1995

She plastered her fakest smile onto her face and stood to face the crowd of backers. Schmoozing backers was one of her favorite hobbies. She could do this in her sleep.

“We’re at the Act One curtain. It’s a gorgeous ballad sung by Niles…Niles…” Oh crap. Oh no. She forgot she’d have to introduce him.

He had been a pain in the ass ever since Nanny Fine suggested they use him for their song: making her fetch him fresh croissants, making her make him tea, making her answer the door for him. But did she really want to reveal his last name over it? Did she really want to give up the one thing she had over him over a stupid backers audition?

She could feel his eyes on her as she contemplated her next step and couldn’t help the smug satisfaction she felt in having the power to utterly humiliate him.

No. It was too soon to give up that feeling.

So, in a split second decision, she decided to improvise, “…butler! Niles deButler, ladies and gentlemen!”

With a grand sweep of her arm and a slight bow, she returned to her seat amidst the polite applause of the audience. She smiled slightly as the song began. He really did have a beautiful voice.

Her enjoyment was short-lived, however, when Nanny Fine and her Merry Band of Idiots interrupted in the background. She knew she should have sat back and let Maxwell handle it, but couldn’t help the rage that bubbled up inside her. She took off after the nanny, Maxwell not far behind her.

Finally, after a frenzied chase, Maxwell dragged Nanny Fine off to the kitchen by her nose and she was left to pick up the pieces of the disastrous audition. She braced herself, knowing that wasted time meant wasted money, and wasted money meant angry backers.

So it was a complete shock when she wandered back into the living room amidst chatty, laughing backers holding open checkbooks. Niles must have made a lasting impression if they still cared about the show after what Nanny Fine did.

“CC, dear! That was simply spectacular,” Beatrice Palmer, one of Manhattan’s most prominent socialites called to her, handing her a check with a generous amount of zeroes.

CC recovered quickly as she placed the check in her purse.

“Yes, Niles has a wonderful voice, doesn’t he?”

Beatrice shook her head. “Oh, I wasn’t talking about him. I meant the wonderful comedy act in the background!”

It felt like a punch to the gut.

“The…the wonderful comedy act? But that wasn’t…that—that was just mindless drivel!”

“Darling, no one goes to the theatre to have to think,” Beatrice said with a wave of her hand.

“But the song,” CC tried desperately. “The song was the heart of the show!”

“The song stinks, luv. Focus on that Three Stooges bit in the background. There’s your meal ticket.”

With a quick ‘Ciao, darling’ and the toss of her mink shawl over her shoulder, Beatrice was gone, leaving CC free to collect checks from more backers impressed with ‘that charming lady in the background with the funny voice.’

She was livid. All their hard work down the drain just because Maxwell’s nanny didn’t know how to stay out of the way. And Niles…

A slow grin spread wickedly across her face. Well. There was her silver lining. She hadn’t seen him since the song ended, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to let Maxwell find him first and break the news to him gently. She quickly found Maxwell in the kitchen, brought him up to speed on the situation, and instructed him to go deal with the backers while she set out in search of her prey.

She found him in the first spot she looked: Maxwell’s office, sitting in her seat nursing a glass of whiskey.

“They hated me, didn’t they?” He asked, not even turning his head to indicate he saw her.

Damn. She had so wanted to be the one to break the news to him.

“I heard you bounding down the hallway. Shook the whole bloody house. You’d only run like that if it meant you were on your way to crush my life’s hopes and dreams.”

“Your life’s hopes and dreams? Niles, we planned this audition three days ago. And even if the backers did like the song, like hell we’d actually cast you in the production,” CC said, taking a seat next to him.

“Still. It was three days of not having to fetch Mr. Sheffield’s breakfast, make his tea, answer the door…”

“You’re right. It was three days of ME doing that for you, you jackass,” she said as she elbowed him in the ribs.

“It’s a shame,” Niles sighed. “If the audition went well I was going to see if I could finagle you into mopping the floors.”

“I’m sorry it didn’t go well,” she said, surprising the both of them with her honesty.

He gave her a bemused look. “No, you’re not. You live for these types of moments.”

“True,” she admitted, “but it’s only fun when I’m the one humiliating you. In fact, where the hell is Nanny Fine? She’s the one who should be in here apologizing to you, not me.”

“She didn’t mean it,” Niles argued weakly, and she rolled her eyes.

“I couldn’t care less what she meant. She still ruined your audition, and as a result Maxwell and I now have to produce a stupid show based on her antics,” she let out a pained moan and rubbed at her temples. She was surrounded by idiots, and now she would be producing a play about said idiots. Would she ever get a break?

“Here. Looks like you need this more than I do,” Niles said as he handed her his glass of whiskey, which she promptly downed.

“Thanks. I better get back out there before Maxwell accidentally lets it slip that surprise! The moronic dancing in the background was not in the original script! He just doesn’t keep his nanny on a tight enough leash!” She slipped the empty glass into his hand and got up, moving to the door.

“Miss Babcock, wait! I just wanted to thank you for not announcing my last name out there to the backers.” He shot her a grateful smile.

“Niles, the show was a drama. Had I revealed your actual last name the backers would have laughed so hard they’d have missed Nanny Fine’s shenanigans in the background,” she shifted awkwardly on her feet, unaccustomed to him thanking her for anything, especially for doing something nice for him.

“Besides, it’s the one thing I have to hold over your head,” she added with a smirk.

That earned a chuckle from Niles. “Well, my pride took enough of a hit today. It would have been much worse to blow the audition along with having New York’s wealthiest have the opportunity to laugh at my full name.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. You have no pride.”

“Isn’t that your usual pre-date manta?”

She bit back a grin and rolled her eyes, exiting the office. She made it two steps before turning and peeking her head back in the room.

“Hey, Niles? For what it’s worth, you sang the song wonderfully today.”

He smiled proudly to himself.

“But if you ever coerce me into fetching your breakfast and answering doors for you again, I’ll have your last name blown up on a billboard in Times Square,” she batted her eyelashes sweetly and left the room, the look of dread on Niles’ face filling her with glee for the rest of the day.

Chapter Text

1997

It was all a blur. One minute they were tossing insults at each other about Stonehenge, the next she was watching in horror as EMTs lifted him onto a stretcher and wheeled him into an ambulance.

"Is he on any medications? Any prior heart history?" The medic asked as he cut Niles' shirt off and applied electrodes to his chest.

"I…um," CC cleared her throat and shook her head, willing herself to focus. "I gave him an aspirin before he went unconscious. He's not on any other medications, and he's never had any heart problems in the past."

"We need his arm," another medic interrupted. "You can stand by his head."

She stared at the medic holding an IV kit in his hand confusedly before looking down; she hadn't realized she had a vice-like grip on Niles' hand. She immediately let go and moved out of the way as the medics continued to monitor vital signs and start the IV.

It couldn't end like this. Somehow he had become the most important person in her life. He was her sworn enemy and lived to make sure her life was miserable, but her day wasn't complete unless she interacted with him. They weren't friends, he wasn't her boyfriend, but he was a constant in her life. It just couldn't end like this.

The beeping on the heart monitor interrupted her thoughts.

"Pulse is irregular, but it's there," one of the medics said.

She let out a breath she hadn't know she'd been holding and relaxed her fists, her nails leaving crescent-shaped indents in her palms. With shaky hands she smoothed out her hair and fidgeted with her coat, unsure of what to do with herself. Finally, she allowed her eyes to settle on his face.

He was pale, his face a white sheet in stark contrast to his newly dyed jet-black hair. Tentatively, she reached out and brushed a piece of hair off his forehead. His skin felt cool and clammy and she once again was reminded of the gravity of the situation:

Niles had a heart attack. Niles could be dying. She might never see him awake or alive ever again.

She bit back a sob and continued stroking his hair until the jolt of the ambulance coming to a stop let her know they had arrived.

She mutely followed the medics and the stretcher into the hospital, where a nurse handed her papers and pointed to an area where she could wait.

"Can I…um, can I say goodbye to him first?" she asked meekly.

The nurse nodded in understanding and motioned her over to where Niles lay surrounded by tubes and monitors and staff.

"Make it quick," a doctor said sternly but gently.

CC nodded and bit her lip. A million thoughts swirled in her head. There were so many things she wanted to say and so many things she couldn't say and so many things she couldn't even begin to piece together to figure out what they meant for her and for him and for what she felt about him.

She leaned down close to Niles' ear and whispered, "If you die, I swear to God I'll bring you back just to kill you myself. So don't die, Niles. Just…don't die."

She squeezed his hand and stood back up, nodding to the doctor. Immediately, the team whisked Niles away down a hallway and behind a swinging door.

She watched the door swing back and forth until it settled, and then she wearily trudged back to the waiting area, quickly filling out the forms and returning them to the front desk and then placing a quick call to Maxwell to apprise him of the situation. Not knowing what else to do, she sank down into a chair and closed her eyes in an attempt to clear her head.

Minutes later, a voice startled her.

"Ma'am?"

CC opened her eyes and found a nurse standing over her.

"Oh, God. He's dead isn't he?" She felt fresh tears prickling her eyelids.

"Oh, no!" The nurse shook her head vehemently. "Nothing like that! He's hanging in there. It's just…his paperwork. You didn't fill out his last name."

CC almost laughed. The man she … had no idea how to define her feelings for was fighting for his life and this woman was nitpicking his damn forms.

"I gave you his insurance card. If there's a problem with billing, just let me know. Money is no object." She reached for her purse.

"Oh, no," the nurse said, shaking her head again, "nothing like that. This is just hospital policy. We need his first and last name for his bracelet and security reasons."

She knew Niles wouldn't be offended if she told the nurse his last name, but something stopped her. She hadn't even realized she left out his last name in the original forms, and she wondered if on some level she was still trying to protect him.

"Oh, give me that!" CC snatched the papers from the nurse's hands, jotting down the first thing that came to her mind and handing them back.

The nurse offered her a small smile and left, leaving CC to wonder what the hell she just did and why.

Eventually, Maxwell and Nanny Fine arrived and CC humiliated herself by mistaking a dead body for Niles. The two took pity on her and let her stay at the mansion for the night, where she moped around the house clutching Niles' feather duster the same way she had his hand in the ambulance and again in the hospital. She even had her own version of a heart to heart with Nanny Fine. She felt as though she were living in some sort of weird alternate reality.

Reality smacked her in the face when she entered Niles' room with flowers and a huge smile of relief that he was finally awake, and he immediately played a trick on her, getting her to walk in on Maxwell and Nanny Fine making out in the neighboring hospital bed.

The piercing shriek she let out was loud enough to wake the coma patients in the ICU, but surprisingly no hospital staff rushed in to see what the commotion was about.

"Ah, CC! We didn't hear you come in," Maxwell explained, as if that were reason enough for getting it on with his nanny in the hospital bed next to his sick friend.

"I gathered as much," CC retorted, wondering if she could snag some of Niles' blood pressure medicine.

"Niles! You're awake!" Nanny Fine exclaimed as she wiped the smudged lipstick from the corner of her mouth, tugged her skirt down, and flounced over to his bedside to kiss him on the cheek. "We were worried sick!"

CC snorted under her breath.

"Ah, Niles! Good to see you awake," Maxwell stood up and adjusted his pants as discreetly as he could.

"Thank you, sir, Miss Fine. You didn't have to cut your London trip short for me," Niles replied.

The three proceeded to have a giant love fest, throwing around words of gratitude and admiration, so CC tuned out, wondering why she was still even there.

Eventually she noticed all three pairs of eyes on here.

"What?"

"I was just tellin Niles how worried we all were about him, including you," Fran rolled her eyes, as if CC tuning out was more offensive than the dry humping she and Maxwell were doing a few minutes ago.

"CC saved your life! Called 911 and everything!" Maxwell exclaimed, and CC wondered if he was impressed that she found it in her heart to do it or if he was just impressed in general that someone knew what to do in that situation. Suddenly she found herself grateful that she was the one there with Niles when it happened.

"I just reacted the same way anyone else would given the circumstances," she shrugged, but Fran was already monopolizing both Niles' and Maxwell's attention by talking about meeting Celine Dion.

"That's great, Miss Fine," Niles said through a yawn CC could tell he was faking, "I'm feeling rather tired though if you don't mind…"

"Oh, certainly. Again, good to have you back, old man," Maxwell patted him on the shoulder.

"Love you, call me if you need anything. We'll talk about the hair later," Fran said, kissing him on the cheek.

CC watched as Maxwell guided Fran from the room, his hand resting precariously close to her bottom, the two not even realizing she had stayed behind.

"Well, as fun as the last 24 hours have been, I think I'm gonna head home," she said awkwardly.

"Miss Babcock," Niles called, trying to sit up in the bed, grabbing the remote control.

She watched as the remote's cord tangled itself in with his oxygen tubing, knocking the nasal cannula out of his nose.

"Oh, let me do it, before you make things worse," she interrupted as she strode over to his bedside and expertly detangled the wires and tubes. Before she realized what she was doing she was guiding the nasal prongs back into his nose and wrapping the tubing around each of his ear. Finding the moment oddly intimate, she quickly dropped her hands and took a large step back.

"I seem to be doing a lot of that lately," Niles remarked.

"What? Making things worse? I guess having a heart attack and knocking at death's door makes you more self-aware, because you've been making things worse the entire time I've known you."

"You don't understand, I woke up, I heard a couple moaning. And my first thought-"

"Was to mess with me? A therapist would have a field day with that one, Niles."

She swore she saw his cheeks redden, but it didn't stop him from arguing back. "I heard Mr. Sheffield and Miss Fine moaning, and I saw you! It was just my natural instinct."

"That's great, Niles," CC bit out, shaking her head. "That's just great. You had a heart attack in front of me, I saved your life, I spent the day here worried sick about you, to the point where I embarrassed myself in front of Maxwell and Nanny Fine and some widow when I thought her dead husband was you, and this is the thanks I get?"

"What was that last part?" Niles asked amusedly.

"Oh, forget it!" She threw her hands up in exasperation then moved to gather her things.

His voice stopped her at the door. "Babcock, wait!"

She turned around slowly and looked at him expectantly.

"I think I'm on some powerful drugs, because I didn't know where I was or what had happened when I first woke up. Everything was all fuzzy and jumbled together. I'm sorry. Had I known, I wouldn't have done it, I swear to you. It was cruel, especially after all you've done for me in the last couple of days."

The look in his eyes and the pleading in his voice unnerved her.

"Well, alright," she relented. "But only because you're all drugged up. And just had a heart attack."

She walked back to his bedside, arranging the flowers she brought to look more presentable. She set her coat down on the chair next to his bed and took a seat.

"Now," Niles said, "what was that about you embarrassing yourself in front of a widow?"

"Don't even—" CC started but was interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Mr. Babcock! So glad to see you're awake," Niles' doctor greeted.

"Mr. Babcock?" Niles looked around confusedly, his eyes finally settling on CC.

"He's still a little groggy," CC explained to the doctor, avoiding Niles' eyes.

The doctor nodded. "Perfectly normal! So how are you feeling, Mr. Babcock?"

CC watched as the doctor examined Niles and wrote a few notes in his chart. After a few instructions on what to do after discharge, he said a quick goodbye and was gone.

"Mr. Babcock?" Niles asked.

"They wanted your last name. It was the first thing that popped into my head."

"It was a medical emergency! You could have given them my real name!"

"I wasn't thinking clearly! You had just had a heart attack! I didn't want you to be embarrassed on top of that. I mean, it's a pretty terrible last name, Niles."

The two sat in silence for a moment as he contemplated her words.

"So you watched me have a heart attack, saved my life, called 911, stuck by me through all that, and protected me from utter humiliation? And the first thing I did upon waking up was play a prank on you?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"My God," Niles said as realization dawned on him. "I'm a Grade A jackass."

"Well," CC smiled smugly, "at least you're self-aware."

He laughed. "Mr. Babcock though?"

"I wasn't thinking!" she said defensively. "Trust me, the thought of the two of us ever sharing a last name makes me feel physically ill."

"Trust me," Niles countered, "I'd rather put my real full name on a billboard in Times Square than ever share a last name with you."

"Well good, I'm glad that's settled. Now if you'll excuse me, I better get back to work. Maxwell got nowhere with Celine Dion and from the looks of it, he wasn't leaving here to try and fix that, so…" She stood up and patted his shoulder awkwardly and fidgeted with his oxygen tubing.

She was startled when his hand grabbed hers.

"Miss Babcock, thank you again…for everything."

"I…um, you're welcome."

He released her hand and she headed for the door.

"Hey, Niles," she called to him quietly from the door, "I'm really glad you didn't die."

They exchanged small smiles and she exited the room. She was headed for the elevators when Niles' doctor stopped her.

"Mrs. Babcock, wait! I have your husband's discharge instructions and prescriptions so you can have them filled for when he goes home."

"Oh. Um, thank you, doctor." She took the papers from him and shoved them in her purse, making a mental note to give them to Maxwell later.

After exchanging goodbyes with the doctor again, CC stepped into an open elevator, wondering why the thought of Niles as her husband didn't make her as physically ill as she had claimed it had.

Chapter Text

Chapter Four

1998

She felt like a damn fool. She opened up to him, let him be her friend, and for what? To be cast aside the moment Nanny Fine shed a few tears. He had been so nice to her that week, which had been a huge break from the cruel way he had been treating her lately. No remarks about Nanny Fine and Maxwell growing closer. No comments about her weight. No making fun of her lack of social life. No reminding her how useless she truly was to everybody. There had been teasing, sure, but it had been playful. But all that was taken away from her and, damn him, she would miss it.

She turned on her heels and marched back towards the office, intent on getting the last word in. She was CC Babcock for Christ’s sake! Who the hell did he think he was, dumping her for Nanny goddamn Fine?!

Not that she saw it as being dumped. Because that would imply she felt something for Toilet Duck. And she didn’t. 

She had her hand on the door, ready to swing it open, when Nanny Fine’s squeals of happiness attacked her eardrums. She stopped herself from opening the door, taking a page out of the nosy butler’s book and eavesdropping instead.

“Oh, Niles! Let’s never fight again,” the nanny exclaimed dramatically.

‘Well, stop screwing over Niles by manipulating Maxwell to get off work,’ CC thought, then cursed at herself. What the hell was she doing still defending him?

“Oh, Miss Fine, I never want to fight again,” Niles agreed, though CC could tell he was holding back a comment. She cursed herself again. ‘Stop knowing Niles so well, you idiot.’ 

“We’ll never fight again, or my name isn’t Fran Fine and your name isn’t Niles…uh, Niles?”

The scowl on CC’s face vanished. Her eyes widened and she glued her ear to the door. 

“Yes, Miss Fine?” he asked, playing dumb.

“How come we’ve been best friends for 5 years and I still don’t know your last name?”

“I told you, it’s just Niles, like—“

“Like Cher. I know, I know. I remember. But even Cher has a last name! Three, if you want to get technical. Cherilyn Sarkisian Bono Allman. Oy, talk about a mouthful! I can see why she just goes by Cher. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, you keeping your most guarded secret from me! What gives, mistah?” 

"Miss Fine, I'd just prefer my last name be kept private."

"So no one else knows your last name?" 

CC bit back a snort and marveled over how the men in her life could be so devoted to someone so stupid. 

"Nope, no one knows," Niles lied. “Just like no one knows your age,” he added for good measure, knowing that was a surefire way to get her off his back.

"Well, okay then. When you put it that way, I guess I can live with that," Nanny Fine said, apparently appeased with thinking no one else - not even Maxwell, who had known Niles his whole life - knew his last name.

CC backed away from the door, predicting that the nanny would hug Niles then traipse out of the office in search of her boss. After all, Maxwell's lap wasn't going to sit on itself! She hid around the corner, watching as Nanny Fine flounced out the door and into the living room, and she nodded knowingly to herself. Everyone was so god damn predictable. 

She counted to 10 and then headed back to the office. He was rearranging the flowers on Maxwell's desk. If he heard her come in, he didn't acknowledge it. CC knew he heard her; he never focused that hard on any of his butler duties. 

"Well, that was quite a glowing display of idiocy."

He didn't jump; instead he plucked some dead leaves from the arrangement. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You telling Nanny Fine that no one knows your last name and her actually believing it. Just like she thinks her age is still a secret. She probably thinks a magical fairy signs her paychecks every other week.” 

“You know Miss Fine’s age?” Niles’ interest piqued, he finally looked up from the flower arrangement and turned around.

“Not the point.”

“What is the point then?”

 The anger flared up in her again, “You’re lucky you work for Maxwell Sheffield right now.”

“Oh? Why is that?”

“Because he never wins any awards, so there are none in here for me to chuck at your head.”

“Well that’s not true, there was the one from last year and ... oh,” he stopped when he realized what she was saying. “What’s got your jock strap in a twist?”

“You!” she exclaimed.

“Well, Miss Babcock, I’m flattered. I wasn’t aware I did anything for your jock strap,” the butler wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, incensing her further. She stomped over to the desk, grabbed the largest script within reach, and smacked him over the head with it, satisfied with the yelp he let out.

“Ow! Are you insane?! What the hell was that for?!” He rubbed his head gingerly, dramatically feeling for a bump.

“You…you…you’ve been...” Crap. She really should have planned a speech out before storming in.

Niles shook his head and turned back to his damn flower arrangement.

She could feel the emotions bubbling up inside her and before she could stop herself, she let it all out. “For the last few months you’ve treated me like absolute crap! I mean more so than usual because let’s face it: you’ve always treated me like crap! But at least it used to be kind of fun! And this last week things were kind of…they were back to the way they used to be…well, not really, because we were never that friendly, but still! And now Nanny Fine comes crawling back and suddenly I’m tossed aside like garbage! What is this, first grade? What the hell, Niles?”

He turned around and leaned back against the desk stunned, his eyes wide. And CC wished the floor would open up and swallow her whole. Someday she would learn to think before she spoke. Someday.

“I mean, not that I care or anything,” she added lamely, saying a silent prayer that he’d let it go instead of being his usual smug self. She watched as his face morphed from shock to thoughtfulness and knew what he was thinking: he could throw it in her face that she cared, or he could let her off the hook.

“No, no of course you don’t,” he said with a playful smirk on his face, and she nearly sighed in relief.

She nodded. “Good. Because…because I don’t care. Except you’re distracting me from my job with all this nonsense, and I can’t have that.”

“You’re right. You being distracted means Mr. Sheffield is left to his own devices. And that never bodes well for the business.”

“Someone needs to talk him out of all his awful ideas. He keeps talking about wanting to produce a hip-hop musical. Can you even imagine?” CC shuddered.

“Oh, god,” Niles groaned. “No, you’re absolutely right. Things need to go back to normal around here.”

“Were things ever normal around here?” she asked, taking a seat at the desk to get some work done.

“Fair enough,” he agreed, gathering up his things to leave the office.

An awkward silence enveloped the room, when another thought occurred to her. “So, Nanny Fine still doesn’t know your last name?”

"Ah, we’re back to that. By the way – you were eavesdropping?”

CC waved him off. “You do it all the time. Anyway, I know your deepest, darkest secret, and Nanny Fine doesn’t?”

“It’s not like I told you! You found out by accident!”

“Potato, potahto,” she said with a shrug. “Still, you could have told her by now.”

“I could have,” he nodded in agreement. “But then within an hour all of Flushing would know.”

“I could have all of Manhattan know within an hour,” she pointed out. “Hell, I could have the whole country know within the hour. I’ve got connections.”

“That’s true. But there’s a difference.”

“How so?”

“Miss Fine would either slip up accidentally or just be incapable of holding the secret in any longer and need to tell somebody. You, on the other hand, would only tell the world if I deserved it.”

She sat back in the chair, staring up at him quizzically. “What exactly are you getting at, Sir Cake-Mix-A-Lot?”

“I’m saying I can trust you in ways I could never trust Miss Fine.”

The magnitude of his words and the way he was staring at her unnerved her, so she picked up a stack of papers and began shuffling through them, clearing her throat. “Oh, well…that’s, uh…wow.”

“Miss Babcock?”

“What?” she asked, still not glancing up from the paperwork.

“I’m sorry…for everything. How I behaved today. How I’ve behaved lately.”

She looked up, finally meeting his eyes, surprised by the sincerity in them. “Well, you should be, you jackass.”

“I am,” he insisted.

“Because if you ever pull anything like this again, Niles, I swear to God, your last name will be the top news story on every single network.”

He audibly gulped. “I understand.”

“Good,” CC said with a satisfied grin, happy she was once again on top. “You may go now,” she dismissed him with a wave and went back to work.

“Since we’re getting along so well, perhaps now would be a good time to tell me Miss Fine’s age,” Niles said.

She looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. “Niles, I am deeply offended you think so little of me!” She placed a hand on her chest for dramatic measure.

"Well, excuse me! I didn’t think your loyalties extended to Miss Fine!”

“What?” she scrunched up her nose in disgust and confusion. “They don’t. I’m offended you think I’d just simply tell you. What fun is that? I’m saving it for their wedding announcement. I’ll be sure to hand deliver it to the Times for Maxwell when that day arrives.”

She expected outrage on his friend’s behalf. She expected him to beg her to reconsider.

“But that could be years away!” He exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air in frustration as he left the room, cursing their boss’ inability to commit.

CC laughed wickedly to herself, wondering if that damn butler would ever stop finding ways to surprise her.

Chapter Text

1999

They collapsed on the bed in a sweaty heap of tangled limbs and gasps for air. He rolled off of her, and she immediately reached across him for his left hand, the one that sported a last minute ring purchased at the hospital gift shop. Smiling, he lifted his head up and turned to look at her, leaning on his other hand.

She knew her hair was sticking up every which way, the French twist now more like a French tornado. She knew she was flushed and her makeup probably a mess. And yet, he looked at her like she was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. CC would never tire of that look. He leaned over and kissed her languidly, easily, as if he had been kissing her his whole life.

They broke apart, and she wiped some of her lipstick off the corner of his mouth with her thumb. “Mmm, I think that was our best yet.”

“Better than Home Depot?” Niles asked with a raise of his eyebrow.

“I’m not covered in sawdust and we’re in a bed,” CC said with a laugh. “So yes. Better than Home Depot.”

“I think I know why it was better,” he said.

“Pregnancy hormones?” she asked.

The couple paused, sporting matching, elated grins on their faces.

“Well…that, too. But I was going to say it’s because we’re married. We’re married, CC!”

She leaned up and gave him a quick peck. “You have to promise me something, Niles. We may be married, but that doesn’t mean you can ever shush me during sex,” she said faux-solemnly.

Niles burst out laughing. “I promise. I’ll even allow you to see me relieve myself. Playwrights can sleep soundly, knowing you’ll never fall out of a building and crush them to death.”

“I like these wedding vows. They’re more ‘us’ than the ones we said in the delivery room. Speaking of our wedding,” CC said, suddenly sitting up, “I cannot believe that priest used my full name!”

“I’m glad he did. I love your name, Chastity,” Niles tugged her back down and she snuggled into him.

“You are allowed to use my full name once a year, and you just used up 1999’s. I just don’t think it’s fair that everyone found out what CC stands for while your last name remains a mystery,” CC said with a huff.

“Be reasonable, Chassy. My last name is much worse than your full name.”

“Well, yeah, that’s true,” she conceded. “By the way, don’t call me Chassy.”

“Chas?”

“Never.”

“What if we have a daughter? Can we name her after you?”

“We are not naming our daughter Chastity. It’s bad enough she’ll have your last name.”

“Oh, can’t she just take your last name?” Niles asked with a wince.

CC leaned her head up, looking at him in surprise. “You don’t want our baby to have your last name?”

“Well, no. I like our baby,” Niles explained. “I wouldn’t do that to her.”

She nodded in agreement, absentmindedly stroking his chest. “While we’re on the subject of your last name…”

“CC, you’re not taking my last name either,” he interrupted.

“Oh thank God,” CC breathed a sigh of relief. “I told Maxwell I was though, and that I insisted we change the business name to reflect my new last name.”

“You wicked, wicked woman,” Niles exclaimed, the pride evident in his voice. “How’d he take it?”

“I think he had a mini stroke. It was beautiful.”

“When are you going to tell him you were kidding?”

“When we get back from our honeymoon. He begged me to reconsider changing my name, so I said I would need two weeks of relaxation to think it over. How do you feel about Fiji?”

Niles looked at her in awe. “You’re amazing, Babs.”

CC patted his cheek sweetly. “You’re not so bad yourself, lover.”

The newlyweds reluctantly got out of bed and dressed. “Hey, I just realized something. Since we’re married, does that mean the threat of you releasing my last name to the world is officially over?”

Her face fell. “I guess it does. Dammit, I really enjoyed holding that over your head!”

“Ah, cheer up. I’m sure you have other ammo on me.”

“We’ll always have Old Time Rock and Roll,” she batted her eyelashes at him.

“Here’s looking at you, Chicken,” Niles shot back.

CC shook her head, fighting back a smile. “What the hell did I get myself into?”

“I don’t know, but I can think of something else I’d like to get into,” Niles said, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.

“Smooth,” CC said with a laugh.

“Thank you,” he said, taking her in his arms and kissing her passionately.

“Take me home, Butler Boy,” she said when they pulled apart, running her hands up and down his chest.

Niles took her by the hand and led her to the door. He stealthily peeked his head out, and, satisfied there was no staff nearby to catch them, the happy couple exited the hospital room to begin their life as man and wife. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, through good last names and bad.

The end!