Chapter Text
Yugi was currently in his soul room after a disappointing therapist session this previous morning. He was ranting about none other than his stupid Grandpa.
“Stupid Grandpa!” he hissed to himself like a slimy snake (who happened to be wearing a new pair of baby starlight pajamas). He angrily threw his teddy bear onto the floor.
"Yugi, I am tired of hearing about your stupid, greasy grandpa! I told you that we should’ve killed him. ”
"Yami! That train is not fixed.”
Yami was silent and decided to finally fix Yugi’s silly baby train after two months of ignoring his request–despite his promise to do so.
...Stupid train…
“ It wasn’t so stupid when you kept playing with it without my permission and destroyed it!!”
Just before Yugi could mutter another argument to Yami, a loud roar came from none other than Solomon Muto. Yugi’s favorite grandpappi. Only his guttural roar could wake up Yugi from the soul room.
“OHHHHHH YUUUUUUUUGIIIII! Look what I’m doing! I’m finally following my doctor’s suggestion and eating something that’s not bacon or drinking shots of bacon grease. Look what I made for ‘us’ for lunch!”
To Yugi’s awful disgust, he gazed upon his grandpa’s horrendous creation, cubes of two week old, mushy watermelon followed by thinly sliced, dried, white chicken that had a stripe of pink on the inside.
“I couldn’t decide whether to cook the chicken or make it a tar-tar, so I decided to do both! I threw the chicken in the microwave for about 10 seconds and ta-da! SALLLLADDDDD, YUUUUUUGI!”
Yugi, I’m going to literally throw up if you make us try this inedible garbage.
“Grandpa! This is a health hazard–this is...this is just salmonella and food poisoning with extra steps! I–” He looked up to see his grandpa’s dead, greasy, fishy eyes, that were also turning slightly yellow from the obvious food poisoning he now has. “I…I don’t understand what made you think this is a meal. Don’t tell me you actually expect me to–”
“YUUUUGI! In MY day we ATE what our elder ponies provided us.” Solomon huffed and wheezed just to get each word out. His chest was heaving as he chomped on the thinly sliced chicken like a horse eating hay. Years of eating bacon and drinking grease has had this effect on this deranged old man.
In MY day we used the sundial to tell the time.
Yami - that’s not even - nevermind.
“Come on, Yugi. Don’t knock it till you try it. I’ve had two plates of this wonderful dish already! I can feel my heart disease disappearing! My arteries are unclogged!”
“YOU WHAT!!” Yugi’s face turned wan with green undertones.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
“...Shut up, Pharaoh!”
It is funny because your stupid grandpa may do my job for me.
“Here comes the traaaaaaain, my little Yuuuuuuuuuugi. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHOOOOOOO COHOOOOOOOO”
HAHAHAHA Look who’s playing with the trains now!
“Fine, your turn.”
WAIT WHAT? NO, Yugi! I promise I’ll really fix the train–
The two switched spots and thus began the unnecessarily long transition where they shouted the main title of the show. It was annoying from the very first time.
“YUGI-”
Solomon then popped some of the rancid meal he created into Yugi’s mouth in the middle of shouting. He was now feeding his little Yugi like a mother feeds her baby birds. From his own mouth.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“Doesn’t that taste amazing, Grandson??”
Yami shoved Solomon down the stairs as he ran to the bathroom to puke–or dry heave really since Yugi had eaten less meals than a student at NYU in 2020. Solomon screamed as he tumbled down the stairs like a bowling ball and bounced off the walls with each thud. STRIKE! A completely random stranger announced as if the Game Shop was a bowling alley.
“How’s my favorite duo in the whole wor-” Tristan tried to greet Yugi and Solomon, but was quickly met by the sheer velocity of a greasy, sweaty, fishy, SeaWorld Orlando Killer Whale, bowling ball of destruction that was Solomon Muto.
BAM
“OHHHHHHH TRISTAAAAAAAAN, I’m glad I caught ya! You can run but you can never hide from me! I know where you live! Anyhow, try some of this wonderful watermelon chicken salad I made this afternoon. Yugi loves it! I like making healthy food. I am so proud. Yugi is proud too–aren’t you Yugi? ”
Yami was actually spewing chunks as they spoke to dispel the horrific concoction that was without a doubt Solomon’s worst dish he had ever created. At this point only tears were coming out. Yami threw himself to the floor as if he were Yugi. He was done. He would rather be in Ancient Egypt where he ate the delicious snack of sand as a child or in a conversation with Tea.
"S OLOMON! ” Yami hurled. “This is the most vile creation I have ever consumed! You horrific beast -”
“Oh, Grandson! You make Granpop-pop so happy and warm inside. Come give your old man’s old man a hug.” Solomon smiled, as he opened his arms for a warm embrace from his grandson.
Yami responded by punching Solomon directly in the stomach. He kicked Tristan down the stairs for extra measure (who actually bounced out of the window, perhaps for his own good). “Solomon, if I had my BB gun, oh! I would have ruined your life. And I would have reduced the amount of strife in Yugi’s life tenfold.”
Shockingly (but at this point, nothing is a surprise with him), Solomon absorbed Yami’s punch as if he was a sponge. Specifically, a greasy, wheezing, delusional, fishy, sweaty sponge. A dog collar labeled ‘Joey’ also popped out from the inner folds of his greasy stomach.
Yami, face it….you just can’t kill him! Some deux ex machina saves my stupid grandpappi every time!
...You’re right, Yugi. It seems like everytime I try to wipe your stupid grandpa off the face of the earth, he somehow manages to come back stronger and more insane. Even mind-crushing him didn’t do a thing...Perhaps he is immortal? If this...fruity chicken does not kill him, Yugi, I don’t know what else to tell you.
“Alrighty then! Well, you two kids go play in the park while I make dessert for later. I’ll give you a hint: it will have more healthy chicken strips in it!” Solomon rolled away with excitement. He was becoming more of a rolly polly every day. Most turn into a beautiful butterfly, but Solomon? Never.
Well, can’t you banish him to the Shadow Realm at least?
Yugi…You still believe in the Shadow Realm? I made that up!
What?! What the heck do you mean the Shadow Realm doesn’t exist? Where did all of those people go?
Uhh…
Forget it. I have to focus on escaping my stupid caterpillar rolly polly croissant Grandpappi.
...Croissant? That is a French delicacy, Yugi.
Nobody asked you dammit! My grandpappi is no DELICACY! Have you met the man? He’s not human. We are banned from virtually every chain restaurant. I cannot even go into MacRonalds because Grandpop bellyflopped there...naked once. That was the tenth restaurant we got banned from!
Neither are croissants.
Did you even listen, Yami? To my tragic McRonalds story?
Yes, we need to stop your Grandpop-pop-pop from destroying another French delicacy before it’s too late.
But my Grandpop-pop-pop-pop-pop -
Okay, that’s enough.
-pop-
YUUUUGI! Ra,, no wonder your parents abandoned you - yes, I’ve been listening in to your therapy sessions again. Well. The Game Shop has been set on fire multiple times, I’ve mind-crushed him...only for him to return and become even more obtuse...Perhaps…
Yami...I am talking about you next in therapy. How could you casually bring up my childhood trauma like that?
Why is everyone else allowed to but me? Anyway,..
“ YUUUUUUUUUUUUGIIIIII!” Speaking of Grandpappi, he rolled from the kitchen screaming. His face was covered in slick slime from the raw chicken he mishandled. There was also a stench of burnt bacon (but that was per usual). “Wanna have a sample of what I’m making for dessert?”
“GRANDPA! I don’t know how many times I need to tell you every minute, but wash your face! You have raw chicken juice all over your beard and face. Your eyes are literally yellow, go to the hospital!”
“I do?”
“I can literally see it dripping from your nose to your beard to the floor!! How the heck did the slimy juice even get on your face? Were you rubbing it on yourself?!”
Instead of heeding his grandson’s advice, he thought of one better. He licked it off his beard. He slurped every last drop. He had nothing else to lose...right?
“MMMMMMMMMMMM that’s some good chicken.” Grandpa then guzzled a carton of expired 2% milk for a refreshing drink. The drink was slightly curdled but that it was okay, it added an extra tang .
“That’s it! I’m calling your doctor right now. This can’t be what he recommended you to substitute for your engrossed bacon intake.” Yugi hissed in disgust.
“NOOOOO, YUUUUGI! I hate him!” Solomon waddled over to the phone and smashed it against the wall repeatedly.
Yugi, I thought of a plan.
I’m listening.
We gamble all of the money in your stupid grandpop’s register, double it then triple it, then–
Get to the point.
Then we leave and go buy a new house. Or a studio apartment. Or a palace. Or a sand castle. I never lose so we have no risk involved with gambling.
What about that time you played the Seal and -
That does not count, Yugi! It was all your fault anyhow! Curses!
Solomon was still smashing the phone against the wall. He then broke through the wall and hit one of the supporting beams of the Game Shop. “I! Will Not! Listen! To! My! DOCTOR!” Solomon roared.
“Grandpa! Stop smashing the-”
Wait for it….
As soon as Solomon would take out the beam entirely…
*Ding!*
“Oooooooh, the pie is ready!” Solomon got on all fours and rolled into the slimy chicken juice that he spilled all over the floor while making his….pie. The juice propelled him forward into the kitchen, Solomon then crashed directly into the oven. A spark from the malfunctioning oven then soared through the air and then landed on the chicken juice stained floor.
Yeah, okay...it’s time to leave. Yugi walked over to the cash register and removed its contents.
“YUUUUUUUUGIIIII!” Grandpa cried. “You have to try dessert! It’s a chicken pot pie but healthier! The crust is three week old celery and the juice is leftover beef bouillon cubes and ramen packets! I also added a nice, curdled milk gaze to make the crusty crispy.”
“.....you think using three week old celery, along with beef bouillon cubes and ramen packets is healthier?” Yugi sighed. “How is this even a dessert?”
Yugi, it is time to RUN.
“Wait a second...The Crusty Crisp…” Solomon pondered as more chicken juice started to drip from his own legs. Yami had occasionally wondered as to what would happen if he stabbed the old greasy man and realized he would leak pure chicken broth.
“YUUUUUUGIIIII, I think I’ll retire from the Game Shop and open a new restaurant called The Crusty Crisp! What do you think, my sweet little grandson?” Solomon asked while rolling over to Yugi and the still unconscious Tristan. He was rolling more and more like a giant dough ball. He tucked his knees under his chin, rolling over to Yugi like a...disgusting slithery slug or piglet.
“Yeah...Great, Grandpa. Sounds perfect. I’m gonna go get Tristan a bandaid for his...unconsciousness. I’ll be back...later.” Yugi promptly ran as fast as his tiny stubby legs could propel him.
Solomon Muto, however, was evolving...or, devolving. He rolled into a large chicken juice filled dough ball and chased after Yugi.
Yugi screamed. “GRANDPA! LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“YUUUUUUGGGGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII”
The chase was on. Yugi, the frightened duelist running for his life to help his unconscious friend. Then there was Solomon, who was rolling at such an incredible speed to catch up to his grandson.
“YUUUUUUGIIII, help your dear grandpa come up with a menu for the new restaurant!”
“LEAVE ME ALONE, GRANDPA!”
Yugi then cut right into the nearest alley. Suddenly Solomon was at record speed, but couldn’t make the turn to catch up to his sweet grandson. At least his blinker was on for other drivers. Instead, he came dough ball to face to Joey Wheeler who was in the middle of sniffing a fire hydrant. He was also full clad in his dog fursona outfit.
“NYEEEEEEEEEEEAH!”
**CRASH**
To be continued...