Chapter Text
Atsushi was, in one word, dedicated. It didn't matter what was asked of him, be it to deliver papers or to infiltrate a dangerous organization, he would do what was asked of him with scarce complications in the process. Dazai himself was impressed with how quickly the were-tiger had adapted to his new life in the agency. Dazai, however, continued to tease and fluster the smaller but didn't think anything of it. Atsushi was easily flustered and would easily beam at being praised for his hard work.
Sometimes, Dazai envied how much love the tiger could give and how he had such a zest for life, it fascinated him. How could someone, who had been hurt, beaten, and mistreated have so much positivity and care for others? Let alone for someone like Dazai..? No matter how many times he would get hurt, injured, or even impaled on the very few occasions, he never seemed to falter.
Atsushi had always admired his mentor, not only because he always seemed to know what to do in the face of danger, but because... when everyone else seemed to sneer at even his existence... Dazai still gave him a second chance at life when no one else would. He gave him more than enough and yet... he's still here by his side. Atsushi began to notice that he had begun to almost.... daydream about him?? Not sure if that's the exact term he'd like to use, it sounds almost creepy. It got to the point where Atsushi would feel a tight almost wrenching pain in his chest when he thought of his mentor or even had the smallest interactions with him. He thought he was getting better after he began focusing on other things.
However, Atsushi soon began to grow more distressed each morning when he would wake up in a coughing fit for days at a time, only remembering hovering over the trashcan dry heaving and coughing every morning. He never really thought anything of it as severe at first, he was probably just coming down with a cold.....
shit, he always hated those. It only reminded him of how he was in a constant state of sickness while living at the orphanage and how he would be given almost five times the work if he even dared to get sick. He hated it then, so he's going to hate it now.
"Hey, At-su-shi Kun!" Dazai greeted in a sing-song like voice while leaning far back in his office chair, which gained expectant glances, seeing if he would fall or not. Atsushi sighed, knowing if he brushed off the greeting, his mentor would bug him for the majority of the day. Dazai was always trying to find ways to get out of paperwork. As he sat down he felt the urge to cough again. "Not again..." He thought to himself as he struggled to keep his composure.
"Hello, Dazai-San.." He managed to choke out, his throat was sore and each time he coughed it felt like something was pushing its way up to his throat. But, no matter how many times he tried or how long he would sit there in the small bathroom dry heaving and coughing with the plastic trashcan in his grasp, nothing would emerge and he would have trouble talking for the rest of the day.
The entire day, for the most part, was long, boring, and uneventful. The office hummed with the sound of computer keys being pressed down and the occasional chit-chat as well as Atsushi coughing. The sound became dismissable by the others as he insisted he was fine, even after a few weeks of pestering, none of his coworkers could get a... satisfying answer.
Throughout the day Atsushi typed away undisturbed by most, and by most, he meant by everyone but Dazai. Atsushi was constantly being poked and prodded at by the other while he kept ignoring the light feelings in his chest with the undesirable urge to cough. This seems almost... familiar to him like this is almost becoming a pattern.
"Atsushi-Kun!!" It was about 20 minutes after the agency closed for the day that Atsushi had stayed behind for a bit to finish up on work he wasn't quite able to finish that he began to hear the sound of his mentor's voice, again, he feels the urge to cough and the feeling of something clawing up his throat. God, why now? Atsushi turns around to face the doorway where Dazai had just come through while calling out for his subordinate.
"You need something Dazai-san, are you okay?" Atsushi replies, worry in his voice being evident, Atsushi sped-walked over to where the man stood and tried to identify any injuries being present. Dazai chuckled at this as he put a hand on the younger's shoulder.
"I'm perfectly fine~! I was just wondering if you'd like to grab a bite to eat! I know this really good place a bit of a walk away and I heard it's really good!" He ended his request with his thumb on his chest, pointing towards himself as he gave the smaller male a slight grin. It took him a second to process what he had said and as soon as he tried to speak his reply was cut off by his abrupt coughing and... again, it's always the scratching, it's been getting worse and worse and it's almost unbearable to deal with.
With a hand covering his mouth, he was able to reply in between the fits.
"Yeah, about that, just-" again, the cough then the feeling of something in his throat.
"-let me.." Atsushi didn't finish his statement, instead, he gave Dazai an apologetic glance and immediately ran to the small restroom, locking the door behind him. He makes his way over the sink and immediately begins coughing, except this time, there were beautiful golden yellow and white petals in the sink, the tips coated with a dark, metallic, red substance that Atsushi could only determine to be blood.
His vision was blurred and his limbs felt as heavy as lead. How could this hurt so much?
He lost all thought as the petals continued pouring from his mouth and into the small, porcelain sink. God, it felt like if he stopped coughing for even a moment the petals would choke him out. In reality, it may not have taken long for the petals to stop emerging, but it felt like an eternity before the were-tiger could fully breathe. He slid down the restroom wall and took shaky, hesitant breathes as he tried to process what had just happened as tears ran down his face...
how-?
Knock.
Atsushi looks up, how long had he been in there?
"Atsushi-Kun, are you okay in there? I heard you coughing earlier and you haven't come out or said anything..." Dazai's worried tone could be heard through the door, Atsushi began wiping away the tears that clung to his pale skin and began to get rid of any evidence of the petals even existing.
As soon as he opens the door he flashes the biggest smile he could muster as Dazai's expression remains as the same, worried look he's had.
"Atsushi, are you sure you're alright?" Atsushi could barely speak, his mouth felt like it was filled with dry cotton and he struggles to focus on breathing.
"E-erm, y-yeah! Just h-have a strange cough that's all! I'm fine, I-i just didn't want you to see me cough for god knows how long!" He tried to give the most convincing smile he could as the other's smile softened, and for just a split moment, Atsushi felt as though he could understand him.
"If you say so... Anyways, I mean, if you're still up to it, my offer still stands!" He holds out a hand and gives the younger a second to think. Atsushi sighed, should he?
What if he coughs up the flowers again? He only has the slight idea of what's wrong with him, how could he explain it to his mentor if he wouldn't be able to stop himself from the onslaught of petals from his lungs? Just as he opened his mouth to explain why he shouldn't he looked straight into his superior's eyes and realized just how weak he is for him.
He sighs
"Yeah, umm I'm sure I'm up to it!" He cringed at how quick and high-pitched his voice was. He isn't sure if Dazai noticed, if he did, he didn't show any signs of acknowledgment. Instead, the older male brushes off the incident and chuckles slightly at the other's skittish nature. Atsushi can almost feel his whole face beaming in a bright tint of red.
The walk to..wherever Dazai chose was long and although silent, comfortable. However, Atsushi knew, or at least figured, that earlier's incident was weighing on each of them. Atsushi, out of pure instinct glances over at Dazai, he notices how his curly brown hair frames his face and how, despite his hair going in all sorts of different directions, it makes his face almost look symmetrical. Atsushi looks away, hoping he wasn't being weird or anything and before he can think he looks back over at the older male and sees two auburn eyes with slight specks of gold glittering the surface staring straight back at him with an amused look, he could almost feel the petals and flowers forming.
Please, not here, not with him...
Atsushi realizes he's been caught staring and looks away quickly, trying to hide the blush slowly creeping up his neck. He could practically feel the other's stare bore through him as they continued walking together in silence. He suppresses the urge to cough, he can already feel the petal in his mouth as he tries to act as though everything is okay. He hears slight laughter come from beside him.
"Aww, Is Atsu-Kun embarrassed?" Dazai begins to tease the younger, unaware of the situation happening. Dazai nudges his arm and cracks another smile.
"Ah, don't worry, I'm not going to tease you too much!" For some reason, despite the reassuring tone he had, Atsushi felt as though Dazai wasn't exactly as true to his words as he made it seem. Atsushi hums in response and it isn't until when Dazai begins to look anywhere but at him does he cough up the few petals and quickly stuff them into his pocket. He'll throw them away when they get to where Dazai was taking him.
Sometimes when it's just the two of them like this, walking side by side chit-chatting without a care in the world, Atsushi can see Dazai for who he truly is. Yeah, he's done some bad stuff in the past, even if he isn't aware of what he did exactly, Atsushi can tell that Dazai is trying to become a better person and help others. Atsushi liked these days, they were... nice. But today, he felt as though Dazai had something else weighing on his mind.
Should he ask? Probably not, it'll probably upset him anyway...
"Hey, Atsushi-kun.. have you ever just walked without any kind of sense of direction? Just admiring the lights and eerieness of the city..." This statement made him stop in his tracks. Why was he suddenly being so... odd?
"Dazai-san please tell me we aren't lost.." Dazai laughed and wrapped his thin, bandaged arms around himself, his honey-like laugh filling the empty void of the street around them. When he finally subsides his outburst he slowly raises his hand and ruffles the younger's hair.
"Haha, Nah! Don't worry your pretty little whiskers! We're almost there, don't worry!" Whiskers? That bastard. Although Atsushi has expressed that he is not a cat, Dazai still insists on the jokes and nicknames. It didn't bother him too much if he was completely honest, there have been a few he...liked.
He remembers the first time he and Dazai walked side by side like this. It was just the two of them walking down... wait. Now that he thinks about it... this is the same road he and Dazai took that day. It was right after he found he was the were-tiger.
"Dazai-san, where exactly are we going? This road seems so..." His superior chuckles.
"Familiar? Ahaha! Alright, alright you caught me!" Dazai raises his arms in surrender as the two turns a corner and approaches a small restaurant that Atsushi remembers quite clearly, it's the same one that he and Dazai went to a few months after he joined the agency. He doesn't count the time he first met him though as he and Dazai weren't even acquaintances at the time. So, when Dazai asked to grab a bite for the first time, they were at least somewhat close, or as close as you can get to the former port-mafia member.
The atmosphere was warm and the light being cast out of the larges windows slowly etched itself on the pair as they grew ever closer to the small building. Dazai began to walk ahead and held one of the two glass doors and gestured for the tiger to go ahead. Amused, he goes through and is immediately hit with the smell of spices and something rich. He looks around and notices the way the decor had barely changed since he had last been there.
He feels a hand on his back and is guided towards a table, he turns and sees Dazai. His heart begins to flutter when he notices the smallest hint of a smile while the two are seated nearby a window, with the river being cast in full view, it's calm essence being illuminated by the eerily full moon. Atsushi continues to drift in and out of focus of the sight, too awkward to face the other direction. He can feel the tinge of butterflies in his stomach blossoming into petals as he taps his fingers idly along with the soft music.
"Beautiful, isn't it? Almost makes me want to drown in it~!" Dazai sang in a wistful voice despite the darker meaning of the statement. Atsushi holds back the nauseating feeling creeping into his mind.
"Uh-huh...er- well the part about the river is beautiful tonight. Not about the whole drowning..thing..." He had mumbled the last part, not caring whether or not Dazai heard it. He never liked the fact Dazai was so open about his suicidal.. tendencies. It worries him on how he could be so adamant about ending his own life.
"You okay Atsushi?" That question brought him back to focus on reality, it was unusual not to hear the honorific after his name, especially form Dazai of all people.
"Oh! Uh, Y-yeah, why? Is everything okay with you?" He turns to face the other and is taken aback when in place of his once wistful smile and peaceful expression is a stoic and.. worried... expression? His eyes aren't as lively as before, instead of flecks of gold scattered across, there is only the reflection of the restaurant's lights. His smile is no longer cheery and is instead concentrated as if he wanted to smile but couldn't. It pained Atsushi to see him like that, maybe he was wrong, maybe he doesn't know him as well as he thought.
A wave of hopelessness washes over him and he feels as though he's not meant to be here.
"No reason, you just don't sound like yourself.. that's all." A spark of life flickers in his eyes as he props his head on his arm while gazing out the window, his smile faltering and seeming real as he traces circles into the polished wood of the small table. The two sit in awkward silence as both begin to fidget. Dazai releases a sigh and looks up at the silver-haired male, the life seemingly returned to his expression.
"Alrighty, so I'm guessing you want Chazuke?" Dazai claps his hands together and gives a mischievous grin as the waitress makes her way over to the booth. Atsushi nods, as he directs his attention towards the lady with her pen and notepad ready.
"Hello! I'm Malerie and I'll be taking your orders this evening! Are you both ready to order?" Her voice is soft but upbeat and she gives a genuine smile as she awaits their order, she has long caramel brown hair with golden yellow eyes behind her emerald green glasses, her cheeks are rosy and she seems to give off a positive feeling around her. Atsushi opened his mouth to give his order when he was abruptly cut off by the other.
"Why yes of course! You see, he'll be having cha-" Atsushi stopped listening when he saw the way Dazai propped up his arm to give his entire attention towards her with the tone he usually gave when he was considering a double suicide. Atsushi used to find it, annoying yes, but usually stupid and goofy. He knew he only really asked women who were externally attractive or beautiful, not saying they may not have a good personality but it's just a pattern he's noticed.
He's never cared before but now, he can't help but feel a sour pit forming in his chest at the thought of it, he's never felt this way before, he almost felt ashamed for feeling this way. How could he feel jealous over something so... minor? The women he asked would always decline, trying to laugh it off, so why was he getting so worked up over it? Atsushi began to panic when he felt the tinge of petals coming up from his throat again.
He waited until the waitress left to stand and excuse himself from the table, telling the other he needed to go to the restroom. He turned and walked away, except, when he heard Dazai call out to him worried he stopped, briefly but stopped nonetheless, and continued on his way. The restaurant was small but still had the usual standardized restrooms, stalls, and all. So, as soon as Atsushi entered the room he blocked the door the best he could with the trash can and bolted towards the nearest sink and began coughing uncontrollably. He couldn't risk him or anyone else walking in and seeing the..petals. God, saying that out loud sounds so stupid.
He isn't sure how long he was in there for, probably about five maybe ten minutes when he finally calmed down. He could feel the tears on the corners of his eyes threatening to burst as he looked at himself through this mirror.
Why did he become so jealous? It's not like the poor lady would accept his insane offer, and he sees him almost every single day since he joined the agency... so why would he become so jealous over something so menial like that? He'll figure that out later, right now he has to at least make it through.... whatever this is and the walk home and then he can have his existential crisis later.
In an attempt to cover up the tears and his reddened cheeks, he begins to splash cold and hot water on his face and dry it. By the time he was finished, he looked about as convincing as he could get considering his circumstances. Before he left he made sure no evidence of the petals or blood even existed. He opened the restroom door and saw that the waitress had arrived with their orders.
Was he really in there for that long?
Dazai immediately noticed the tiger approaching the table and greeted him with a smile. If it weren't for the fact the boy was distracted he may have tried to seem in focus. Atsushi sat down in front of the brunette, a concerned glance being thrown his way.
"Atsushi-Kun, are you sure you're alright? You don't look too well, your face is all sweaty and red.." Dazai gave the smaller male one of the two pairs of chopsticks that were given before he had arrived.
"Oh! yea, about that, I was just feeling.. odd and decided maybe splashing my face with water would have helped! I'm fine don't worry!" He didn't lie exactly, it wasn't like he wasn't telling the truth, he was just leaving out bigger details. Dazai, despite his demeanor, is almost too good at reading other peoples' words and could sniff out a full-blown lie from Atsushi right away.
After sitting down the two begin to have small talk. You know, the kind where you kind of just idly chatting about work, hobbies, and recent events. Most of the stories were similar due to the fact both were colleagues and how neither one of them ever got out much for activities.
"Do you eat anything but chazuke?" Dazai laughed between drinks as he held up his drink gesturing to the bowl.
"N-no of cour- well, actually... I don't think I know how to cook anything else really besides just... rice. Oh geez, I mean, I know how to cook basic meals like eggs and certain soups but for the most part..." Atsushi begins to babble on, realizing now that maybe he should take some cooking lessons. Yeah, chazuke is great and all but maybe getting lessons more than just that would be helpful. Dazai chuckled at his behavior and snapped him out of his rambling.
"You know I was just teasing you, right?" Dazai's voice was condescending but in the.. good way? Is there even a good way? This caused Atsushi to stop mid-sentence and process what the brunette had said.
"HEY! You said you wouldn't do that!" Atsushi pointed a finger at the male accusingly as he stuck the chopsticks into the half-empty bowl of rice. His hand gripped the table as he glared at his superior, unamused by his jokes. Dazai takes his hand and holds it firmly in one hand and pats it with the other. This caused other passersby to avert their attention to the two.
"Oh dear, Atsushi-Kun~ You've got it all wrong! I said I wouldn't tease you much!" Dazai's voice melted into the warm feeling of the room. And, despite the feeling of his heart leaping from within his chest and heat creeping upon his neck, Atsushi slowly brings his captured hand away from the other and sets it lightly on his lap. His other hand, still on the table, in pain from the amount of pressure he's placed on it.
"You're a bastard you realize this right?" Atsushi's voice is small and tired and has little to no venom to it. This caused him to burst out laughing, attracting the attention of staff and other customers. He curls in on himself and struggles to breathe while hunched over the table and his now empty plate as the tiger continues eating from his bowl.
"W-wow!! Never thought I'd hear that from you!" Dazai finally managed to get the words out and continued to laugh for a minute or so until he began to calm himself down. Atsushi at this point didn't care if Dazai attracted attention from this, anything was better than what..he had just done. He can still feel the heat of his hands radiating from his own. Atsushi takes one giant mouthful of his food to avoid talking to the maniac across from him and when he looks down he realizes his bowl is empty.
The meal didn't cost much as each had relatively small portions and how the restaurant was known for being good quality for cheaper prices, and despite the weretiger's attempts, Dazai decides to pay for it while Atsushi leaves a tip for the lady.
The walk back is pleasant, neither one has to speak at all for the atmosphere around them to be that way. Despite this, the two still strike up a conversation and begin joking around with one another. Atsushi liked this, he liked the way things were and wouldn't ask for anything more to change. But, something in the back of his mind, a part he tried to ignore wanted to become closer with him, to have things be...different. He hated it, he hated thinking that way. How could he want anything more when he was already given so much from the kindness of someone else? It scared him to think this was his thoughts, to think that this was his mind.
When the two are standing in front of the door to their separate dormitories each one gives the other a simple nod. Except, when Atsushi began to open his door he felt a warm presence on his chin when he's face to face with the brunette. Unlike all the other times he had been able to decipher the emotions of his superior based solely on his expression and especially his eyes, this time was different instead, a spark of life along with something else sparkled within his features and flashed across his eyes in an instant. Atsushi's heart fluttered and he could feel the petals clawing their way up.
"This was fun, we should do it again. That is until you're feeling better." Is all he said, he looked as though he had more he wanted to say or do but within in instant he's gone and Atsushi is left alone in the barren hallway and is only snapped out of his trance when he hears the click of the other's door.
Oh god, oh god, oh god. No this isn't happening.
Atsushi began to feel himself choking on the petals forming from within his lungs and begin to push themselves out from his throat. It isn't until he's inside does anyone of them spill. In most cases, he'd at least try to find a trash can or something to avoid Kyouka seeing, except she went to spend the night with Naomi after the two had gone somewhere after work.
He waits until he's calm and not choking to grab his laptop to make quick frantic searches for what could be possibly wrong with him.
After some deep digging, he comes across an old medical science journal explaining the Hanahaki disease, which for the most part did include his exact symptoms but the cause was...well, he had to be in love with someone for this to take effect. Atsushi of course wasn't aware of who in the world he of all people he could be in love with. Well, the whole flower thing only started recently which means that the few past weeks of coughing were early stages, and if the small petals being coughed up only started earlier this afternoon after Dazai had-...
Oh god.
OH GOD.
The realization right then hit him and everything made sense. The fluttering, the petals, the aching, and pining. He didn't know how to react, he was going to die within the next few months or even weeks... all because he was in love with Dazai Osamu.