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“Oh my god!”
“Stop panicking.”
“What do you mean stop panicking?!” Jiang Cheng grabbed onto Lan Wangji’s shoulders and started manically shaking him back and forth. “We just murdered a Sect Leader!”
Lan Wangji looked down at Sect Leader Yao who lay motionless on the forest floor and then back at his brother-in-law. “Maybe he’s just resting.”
Jiang Cheng shot him an incredulous look, so Lan Wangji tried again.
“He may still be alive, just unconscious...”
Jiang Cheng huffed. “Well, that doesn’t make it any better! If Sect Leader Yao wakes up, then he’ll have us executed! And rightfully so! ”
“Fine.” Lan Wangji snapped. “Go check for a pulse then.”
“Wait, why do I have to check him?”
“...”
“What was that?”
“...I don’t want to touch him.”
Jiang Cheng slapped his palm against his forehead, his initial panic melting over into pure irritation. He could feel a migraine coming on, a common occurrence whenever he spent time with his brother-in-law.
“ Grow up Lan Wangji! ” Jiang Cheng hissed. “Go check his goddamn pulse.”
“Why can’t you ?”
“ You’re the one who threw the first punch!”
“And you’re the one who strangled him.”
“It was an accident!”
Lan Wangji squinted at him. “How do you accidentally strangle someone?”
“Keep up with your bullshit and I’ll show you how to do it on purpose.”
“And then you’ll have two dead bodies to deal with instead of one.”
Jiang Cheng’s panic returned tenfold. “Didn’t you just say that he’s probably not dead?”
Lan Wangji shrugged. “I take it back.”
“You can’t just take it back! For fuck’s sake, do you want to be executed?”
“Well if he’s dead, then who's going to execute me? You ? You’re just as guilty as me.”
Jiang Cheng sighed, “I guess you have a point-”
“And you can barely lift me now, so how do you expect to once I’m dead weight?”
Jiang Cheng pouted. “Hey! I can lift your brother just fine! I can definitely lift you.”
Lan Wangji gave him a blank look.
“Come here.”
“No.”
“Let me lift you little-”
“ No. ”
And as Jiang Cheng tried in vain to lift his brother-in-law who dodged his every attempt, the two failed to notice the hoards of footsteps entering the forest, disciples of the Yao Sect who had noticed their Sect Leader hadn’t returned to the Discussion Conference in over an hour.
“Put me down.” Lan Wangji demanded in a dangerous tone. Jiang Cheng had successfully distracted him- “Look Sect Leader Yao is awake!” - and had taken those few seconds that Lan Wangji had been off guard to sweep him up... bridal style of course, because he only lived to torment his brother-in-law.
“You’re actually really light-”
“Unlike you.”
“Are you-”
“Calling you heavy?” Lan Wangji interrupted. “Perhaps.”
Jiang Cheng narrowed his eyes at him, and then abruptly removed his arms, causing Lan Wangji to fall to the forest floor with a thud. Jiang Cheng cackled at his ruffled expression, but his laughter was cut short as Lan Wangji kicked out one of his knees.
He landed right beside Sect Leader Yao- he’s almost forgotten about the body- and quietly screamed, trying to back away, but Lan Wangji held him in place.
“ Check for a pulse .”
Jiang Cheng sighed and then reached out but his hand froze above Sect Leader Yao’s body.
“What is it? Are you sensing something is off?”
Jiang Cheng shook his head. “I can sense his spiritual energy, but it’s faded, so I have no idea whether he’s alive or not.”
“ Then check for a pulse. ” Lan Wangji repeated for the umpteenth time that evening.
Jiang Cheng paused. “...Where do you check for a pulse?”
Lan Wangji stared at him.
“I know obviously I can check the heart, but I’m not going to be able to feel it through all the layers of his robes.”
“Then-”
“I am not taking off Sect Leader Yao’s clothes.”
They both shuddered at the mental image.
Jiang Cheng repeated his question and Lan Wangji sighed.
“...I don’t know.”
“You ‘ don’t know ’?”
“Mn.”
“Who are you, Nie Huaisang? ” Jiang Cheng dubiously shook his head. “I thought you were smart? What the hell?”
“Quietness and intelligence are two separate things.”
“So you’re admitting you’re fucking stupid?”
Lan Wangji glared at him. “If I am, then you definitely are.”
“You-!” Jiang Cheng groaned. “Okay, okay. How about you try and find a pulse on yourself first.”
“I have no heartbeat, therefore no pulse.”
“...”
“My robes are thin. You may check.”
Jiang Cheng placed a hand on the left side of Lan Wangji’s chest and felt...absolutely nothing. He even placed his hand on the other side as well just to make sure they hadn’t mixed up which sides the heart was on because apparently they were both idiots, but it was to no avail.
Apparently Lan Wangji had no heartbeat.
“Honestly, Lan Wangji. What the fuck?” Jiang Cheng didn’t even want to begin to think about what that meant. “Why are you so weird ?”
“Brother says I’m special.”
“ Of course he does .” Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes so hard that they almost fell out of his head. “He probably just doesn’t want to tell you that you’re a ghost or some weird supernatural creature from hell or-.”
Lan Wangji ignored that. “I can look for a pulse on you instead.”
Jiang Cheng nodded, choking when Lan Wangji shoved two cold fingers against his Adam's apple.
“Apologies.” Lan Wangji looked amused. Jiang Cheng was decidedly not amused.
Lan Wangji jabbed his fingers all around Jiang Cheng’s throat, and it took everything within Jiang Cheng to not reach over and snap the digits in half. But then, Lan Wangji’s eyes lit up as he pressed his fingers against the upper corner of Jiang Cheng’s neck, just below the side of his jaw.
“This feels odd. It’s strong but annoying.”
“How the hell is my literal pulse annoying?!”
“Because it’s yours.”
Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes again and got to work seeking out the same spot on Sect Leader Yao’s neck. “Who needs enemies with friends like you.”
The corners of Lan Wangji’s mouth twitched upwards.
After patiently searching-well, patient was probably quite the stretch seeing as this was Jiang Cheng-and panicking, Jiang Cheng finally found the pulse.
“Thank god!”
“Oh no.”
They turned their heads to glare at one another.
“What do you mean ‘ Oh no ’. Lan Wangji, this means we didn’t murder a prominent Sect Leader out of cold blood.”
“It was an accident.”
“ Still! ”
“That may be true, but now that he’s alive, if he remembers what happened, we’ll have no way of covering this up.”
“...Fuck you’re right.”
“Mn.”
“Why did you have to punch him?” Jiang Cheng pulled at the hair atop his head, feeling like he was devolving into a spiral of insanity.
“Why did you have to strangle him?”
“I was frightened! Zidian reacted on her own! And why did you have to punch him again after that? You could also be the reason he’s knocked out still.”
Lan Wangji mumbled something incomprehensible under his breath.
“What did you-”
“It was a reflex.”
That startled a snort out of Jiang Cheng. “So when we’re caught off guard, I strangle people and you knock them unconscious.”
Lan Wangji was about to make a snide comment when they finally heard the footsteps and voice of the disciples from earlier. They could roughly see their figures in their vicinity.
“Shit!” Jiang Cheng whisper-yelled. “What do we do? Do we leave the body? Do we bring it with us?-”
“Jiang Wanyin-”
“I’m supposed to get married to Lan Huan in two weeks. Two weeks! He’s not going to want to marry a fucking fugitive!”
“Jiang Wanyin-”
“I’m too young to die!”
“You’re in your late thirties.”
“..You’re right... But still mmmph -” Jiang Cheng found his mouth covered by Lan Wangji’s cold palm. Lan Wangji stared at him directly in the eyes.
“Breathe.”
Jiang Cheng closed his eyes and took a deep breath when Lan Wangji removed his hands. The disciples were getting closer, but he tried to quell his panic.
“Now, you grab onto his legs. I’ll take the arms.” Lan Wangji ordered in a neutral tone.
“ What? ” Jiang Cheng stared at him with wide eyes. “Lan Wangji what-”
“Just do it.”
Jiang Cheng winced, but reluctantly grabbed onto Sect Leader Yao’s legs- something that would surely haunt him for the rest of his days- and together they lifted Sect Leader Yao’s unconscious body. Jiang Cheng noted that this was the longest he’d been in the presence of the other Sect Leader without wanting to strangle him.
Well...well he had strangled him already, so maybe it didn’t count...
“Okay now what?” Jiang Cheng asked, acutely aware of how close the disciples were.
“Turn around. Hold him like a wheel-cart.”
Jiang Cheng did so and was just about to ask Lan Wangji what else to do when his brother-in-law hissed, “ Run !”
And Jiang Cheng ran. He ran as if his life depended on it. They bypassed the disciples with ease and sprinted into the forest, Sect Leader Yao’s heavy body hardly impacting their pace. The two were motivated by fear which overpowered any of their physical limitations.
“ This was your brilliant plan?” Jiang Cheng shouted once they were far enough away from the disciples. He dropped Sect Leader Yao’s limbs to the ground and then wiped his hands on the tree. “We’re practically criminals on the run!”
“ Like I said earlier, I never claimed to be smart! ” Lan Wangji had a manic look in his eyes. Perhaps the weight of being a fugitive had finally gotten to him as well.
And then all of a sudden, Sect Leader Yao’s eyes shot wide open and he coughed, bolting upright, looking dazed and confused.
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji slowly turned to look at him, gripping onto each other for stability.
“What happened? Why am I out in the woods, with you two of all people?” Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji had never been happier to hear his grating, annoying voice.
“Wait, so you don’t remember anything?” Jiang Cheng asked, just to make sure.
Sect Leader Yao shot him a strange look but shook his head, stroking his obnoxious goatee.
“You got drunk at the conference and wandered out into the woods.” Lan Wangji lied, straight through his teeth. “Your disciples are looking for you now.”
“And what are you two doing out here as well?” Sect Leader Yao sniped at them, stumbling as he tried to regain balance. He rubbed at his throat, but thankfully Zidian hadn’t left any visible marks nor had Lan Wangji’s punches left any prominent bruises.
“We’re…”
“Ummmm.”
“Sect Leader Jiang had to vomit.”
“Yes, I-...Wait what-”
“He drank a lot as well. We ran into you...while he was vomiting.”
Jiang Cheng nodded, going along with the lie. “I threw up so much .”
“Mn. A lot.”
“Why couldn’t your fiance or Wei Wuxian accompany you if you were sick?” Sect Leader Yao asked, suspiciously, and referring to his brother and fiance in a mocking tone.
“They were busy.” That wasn’t exactly a lie. Wei Wuxian was in charge of helping the juniors during the meeting, and Sect Leader Lan was the host.
“And why did the esteemed Hanguang-jun need to accompany you?” Their relief at not being criminals was quickly starting to fade at each question.
“I needed someone to hold my hair back while I was vomiting!”
“Mn.”
And thankfully at that moment the Yao disciples finally located them and looked relieved-for some reason- upon seeing their Sect Leader and confused upon seeing Sect Leader Jiang and Lan Wangji there also. But the two used this as their opportunity to quickly leave whilst Sect Leader Yao was preoccupied.
When they returned, the Discussion room looked to be empty, so they entered, grinning and high-fiving all the way.
“We’re not fugitives!” Jiang Cheng exclaimed to the seemingly vacant room. “We’re not going to be executed!”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji agreed, and they high-fived again. But their hands paused mid-air as they heard a series of forced coughs to their right.
Sitting at one of the tables were Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen with two cups of tea sitting in front of them.
“Do we even want to know?” Wei Wuxian sighed.
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji shared a quick look and then shook their heads in unison.
Lan Xichen downed his entire cup of tea even though it looked to be steaming hot.
“Did the Conference go well?” Lan Wangji asked. Jiang Cheng elbowed him and Wei Wuxian let out a loud snort. Lan Xichen shot his brother a scathing look.
“You would’ve known it had if you and Wanyin hadn’t disappeared halfway through.”
“Yeah.” Wei Wuxian nodded. “Why did you two leave.”
“We had to check on our turtle army.” Lan Wangji explained solemnly. That actually wasn’t a lie. Their army had been expanding for months now, and they had to check on the turtles frequently to make sure that they were all alive and healthy and…
... Weren’t staging a coup.
“What took you two so long?” Lan Xichen sounded both worried and exasperated at the same time.
“He vomited.”
“I vomited.”
“I-”
“What-”
“I had to hold his hair back.”
“I have a lot of hair. You see-
“We did not want to get vomit-”
“In my hair.”
“In his hair.”
“Because-”
“He has a lot of hair.”
“ So much hair…”
Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen glanced at each other and then shook their heads. Lan Xichen held out his cup for Wei Wuxian to pour more tea in. They clinked their mugs together and downed them as if they were taking shots of alcohol.
“Same time tomorrow Xichen-ge?” Wei Wuxian asked, standing up to stretch his legs.
Lan Xichen nodded. “I’ll bring the tea next time.”
Wei Wuxian grinned. “Will you have-”
“Spicy tea?” Wei Wuxian nodded. “Of course, Wei Ying.”
“You’re the best Xichen-ge!”
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji watched as their brothers essentially ignored them, and planned their next “tea date” for tomorrow.
What the fuck Jiang Cheng mouthed to Lan Wangji, who shrugged helplessly.
“Ah, anyways. We should get going. Come on Lan Zhan. Bye A-Cheng! Bye Xichen-ge, I’ll see you tomorrow!” Wei Wuxian said, pulling his confused husband off to the Jingshi. He and Lan Wangji shared one more confused look before he left.
“Is your stomach feeling better?”
“Huh?” Jiang Cheng asked distractedly, but then he remembered their contrived lie and nodded his head.
Lan Xichen sighed and gave him an amused smile. Jiang Cheng leaned in to kiss his fiance, grinning as their lips met, Lan Huan’s so soft and gentle against his own.
He really couldn’t wait to marry him.
After decades he’d finally found someone who could deal with his temper...and his chaos. He’d finally found someone that could love him for who he was, no matter how exhausting it was.
“Wanyin?” Lan Xichen whispered, pressing a light kiss against his cheek.
“Yeah?” Jiang Cheng felt himself melting.
“You’re a terrible liar.”
“...”
“Are you pouting?”
“ No. ”
“Awww.”
“ Lan Huan-”
“My fiance’s so adorable.”
“I’m not adorable . You don’t know what you're saying.”
Lan Xichen smiled and then pecked him on the nose.
“Wanyin?”
“Yeah?”
“...What did you mean when you said ‘We’re not fugitives’ and ‘We’re not going to be executed’?”
“...”
“Wanyin-”
“Have I told you how much I love you?”
“ Jiang Wanyin-”
“Well have I?”
“Yes, you do. Everyday. And I love you for it, but that’s not the point here-”
“I love you so much Lan Huan.”
“ Wanyin.”
“You know, this room is pretty empty right now. Maybe you and I could make use of it?”
“...”
“What was that?”
“I haven’t forgotten what you said you know?”
“Don’t worry. I’ll do my best to make you forget.”
Lan Xichen chuckled as Jiang Cheng lifted him out of his chair and against the wall. He wrapped his legs around his fiance, and Jiang Cheng set forth determined to make good on his promise.
~
“Hey Lan Zhan, about what A-Cheng said earlier...when you guys thought the room was empty-”
“Wei Ying.”
“I-...yeah?”
“It’s time for every day.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Wow! You’re right! I almost forgot. Well, then, what are you waiting for Lan Er-gege? Come here...”
“Mn.”
~